I am sharing my story in the hope that I can get some advice and the strength and conviction to continue to move forward. I've been married for 16 years and have two elementary aged children. I just ended a LTA with a co-worker. I never intended to get involved with him. He pursued me, not that that's an excuse. We got to be very close. He divorced his wife shortly after our affair began and tried to convince me to do the same. He promised me the world and that he would do everything in his power to make me happy. My husband and I had been living as roommates for many years and there wasn't a lot of closeness. I guess I loved being loved. I'd not felt that way before.

I always thought about ending the A, but never did. I believed it when he said he needed me and I didn't want to hurt him. Then last spring he ended the relationship, saying he'd finally given up and was moving on. Initially I was glad and figured it was time to restore my relationship with my husband. I made a half hearted attempt to do that, but when I found out my OM had started seeing someone else I lost it. I couldn't think of anything else but that he was with someone else and I was all alone. i was so unhappy.

I always said I never wanted a divorce, but i was desperate. In September I told him i would leave my husband so we could be together and marry. Subsequently he ended his relationship with his new girlfriend. I started talking with my husband about my unhappiness and about splitting, but I just couldn't leave. I dragged my feet. OM was so patient and loving through it all.

Eventually my husband confronted me and I admitted everything. We started having our first real discussions in years. I felt more optimistic about the marraige, but still i had made a promise to someone else. I spent months torn which way to go. I knew I should turn away from OM, but I found it impossible to do. He was so excited about our future together.

I communicated to OM my concerns, about leaving, about the likelihood of our marriage surviving, etc. I dragged my feet endlessly. Last week I finally told him I couldn't be with him. He tried to convince me to I was a fool. Now he says he's feels used, he's very angry, and devastated.

My husband through it all has been very caring and understanding. We've talked about what was wrong in our relationship that left room for an A to happen. I know he's been working Plan A on me. I guess it worked, but now I'm feeling so lost. I feel so incredibly guilty for how I treated OM, and for how I treated my husband. How could I have hurt people I care about so much? I feel so worthless. How do I manage this feeling of guilt and shame?

On top of that, I know I'm just at the beginning of withdrawal. It's only been a couple of days but I miss OM. We shared such a close bond and passion like I've never known. I know I need to transfer this to my husband and I have no idea if that's even possible. In our best of times, we were never able to communicate at the level OM and I could. But I feel like for my family I need to try. I regret what I've done and wish I could go back and change so many things.

I know many will read this and think the worst of me. Any advice is appreciated. I know it will be a long road ahead.

tgdma,

Welcome to marriage builders. I'm sorry for the situation that brings you here, but you are in a great place.

I'm a FWW, (you can click on the link to my story below) so I thought I'd respond because I can relate to so much of what you're feeling.

First of all, have you gone through the concepts on this site? It appears that you have NC (no contact with OM) in place. Did you do this verbally or through a letter? Is there some system im place to allow your husband to feel secure that no contact is being maintained (access to cell records, email, etc....)?

I know you feel some sort of guilt for the OM, I understand that, the OM in my situation claimed he was used as well after I declared my intentions to stay married. But I have this to say to both yours and mine. They knew they were getting involved with a married person...if they are going to blame us for doing the RIGHT thing, then what kind of men were they in the first place? In the end, our priorities belong on the person that we made vows to.

If your intention is to stay married and rebuild your relationship, the OM's feelings will have to no longer be important to you. Your focus has to be on your husband and yourself.

Withdrawal is a dicey time. It is very easy to slip and contact the OP when you're having a bad day or an argument with your spouse, you need to be aware of this so you don't fall into that trap. Posting here is a great alternative when those urges strike.

You are right to realize that this a long road. You will have many ups and downs, good days and bad days. Right now you need to make it through withdrawal, and keep away from the OM and begin a plan to rebuild your marriage.

Please reply and give as much info as you can.

Mom

Mom,

Thank you for the reply. It feels better to know that I'm not the only one who has walked in these shoes. I ended it over the phone. Even having read the advice, a letter seemed too impersonal after everything we'd shared. He said he'd never contact me again and don't contact him, but he sent me an email the same day with a picture. Again saying don't reply. Next day he calls me and tells me that he has something he needs to give me. I figured it was something I left at his house, but it was something he'd purchased that I'd forgotten about. I think it was an excuse to see me and to make me feel bad for leaving him. Spoke with him again, and had an IM conversation with him during which things were made clear. He was bitter before, but more so after that. It's hard not to feel guilty, but I also know that he put himself in this place. He has no understanding of my care for an intact family. In fact he makes me feel foolish for waiting my family to stay together.

I have reviewed the concepts but need to do that more. We don't have a system in place. My husband will feel better when I resign from my work. I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity to make a lot of changes in my life -- I've been with the same company for many many years.

I look forward to reading your story. It helps to know I'm not alone in this. Reading all the posts has been very benefical in getting me to this point. I'm sure I'll go back to them all to get the encouragement that I'm doing the right thing. Thanks.

I wanted to first say Welcome tgdma.

It's unusual for me to post first on most peoples threads but I read yours and Mom's response and felt compelled. I'm in the early stages of recovery with my WH, and I'm SURE that he feel similarly to you, except, at one time, we had a wonderful and loving R (initially VERY passionate lovers). Maybe you can revisit your thoughts on that later, after withdrawal.

OM's feelings are immaterial for YOUR marriage. He CHOSE to be with a married woman, and to have his own A with you, and then D his wife. HIS CHOICES. You choose now to be with your H. I don't really have advice, but to say that giving your M your all won't hurt you. It could be the best thing you ever did, and it will keep your H from believing that all of the years and children you have together mean nothing to you. I'm sorry if what I say hurts you, it's not my intent.

You choose your H. That's that. Deal with the guilt in your R with H.

Be open, honest, choose to show love (and I know this is tough, especially during withdrawal). Coming here to get help is a good first step, and it can help to keep you HONEST.

People don't seem to talk much during early recovery. I am and you are, so maybe we can help others here, while we work toward recovery. Hang in there. Keep posting.

One question, do you live in fear?

silentlucidity, yes I do live in fear. After saying I'd leave my M to be with OM, I lived in fear of what it would do to my children, my H, what people would think of me, financial worries, worries about if our relationship could work in the long haul.. you name it.

Then after discovery and admission, I lived in fear of going in either direction. The old fears continued, and new ones developed .. about whether I would be giving up something that was once in a lifetime (which OM continued to tell me). I knew deep down that going to OM would have a whole lot of issues but I was somehow able to ignore all those warnings and focus on the wonderful side of what could be. I'm sure it's the fog I've read about. Scary how an intelligent rational person could be lost in a fog.

Truth be known I am still scared. But I do feel like I'm making the right choices, so that helps.

Thanks for the response.

Tgdma,

Please read the "Withdrawal guide" in my signature (just click on the link).

Also read the following thread (it will help you on your recovery journey):

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives