I have no idea. I don't ask her how she feels about me. I am afraid to get caught up in relationship issues. I fear that I will get off track at work.

I have not told her about my new mantra.

I tell her about whatever success I have at work. She seemed pleased yesterday that I had a meeting with a possible new client. And Monday night one of the senior partners had nice things to say about me and I shared his comments with her.

I show off my arm and chest muscles if she happens to be in the room when I am changing clothes. She rarely comments.

She is emotionally needy these days. She calls me at work several times a day. She can't decide whether to quit her job. She is interviewing but gets anxious about how many days she is calling in sick. I am being supportive. I don't put any pressure on her to choose one way or another. I talk to her about her feelings and her choices. I tell her I am prepared to accept and support any choice she makes. That is as much energy as I am willing to invest in the relationship right now.

Then there is the ongoing stress about son's party. She knows we can't afford to throw the kind of party she wants to throw. So we have lots of stress and conflict over preparations. I am pleasant when she calls me to discuss some new caterer or florist she met with. But she knows that in the end I am not going to budge much on cost. So there is underlying tension. I know I am not meeting her need for Conversation about the party as well as she wishes. I am giving her all I have to give in the current circumstances.

And of course there is always the SF elephant standing in the corner. I had zero expectations of sex when I returned from the London trip. And my expectations were fulfilled.

The atmosphere at home remains very withdrawn. I am choosing not to be Radically Honest. I can't properly complain that things aren't changing.

You Rock, Hold! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks. Not sure how much I rock. But I am doing better than I was.

Last night D10 wrote me a note saying that she feels I treat her differently than I treat S12 as regards food - because she is fat. I was very proud of her for writing the note. I told her that. I told her I understood how hard it was to tell me how she feels. And I understand how hard it is for her to deal with food issues.

We talked about her weight and her high cholesterol. We talked about her needing to eat healthy foods. We talked about S12 being in puberty and growing taller quickly and needing to consume large numbers of calories to fuel his growth. So that his eating exactly the same diet as her might not be healthy for him. There was even an article last week talking about teenage boys and eating disorders and how they should not be eating the same low fat low calorie diet as their middle aged mothers.

I am glad she feels comfortable enough with me that she could bring herself to write the note. And I am glad that I live with her all week so that I was home last night for her to address me. She would not have called me on the phone to discuss it (she even wrote that she couldn't bring herself to say it out loud, hence the note).

It is for incidents like that one that I stay. I will keep staying whether I rock or not.

W interviewed for the victim's advocate job yesterday. She was grilled by a panel of 4. She did a great job. I told her so.

Still not exactly sure what she does. Or at least, not clear from what they say she would do why they call the job a "victim's advocate". But I guess we will learn more as the process continues. If it continues. But frankly I can't see them finding anyone better for the position. She has been on call weekly for the rape crisis center for 4 years. She is certified in helping victims. She gets along well with all the cops, so I'm sure she'll do fine with the probation officers who will be her co-workers.

Mrs. Hold is anxious but hopeful. Double her pay. Paid vacations. And a job that fits her "dark side" (Mrs. Hold spends hours watching shows on Court TV that focus on serial killers, unsolved crimes, forensics, criminal recreations, etc.). Anything that helps Mrs. Hold feel good works for me. The more she gets fulfillment from other places, the less she seeks from me. Given my focus on work now, that is welcome.

I know that for a healthy marriage she should be getting her fulfillment from her husband. Not a priority for me at this point.

good for her!
and you.....this could work out very nicely for you guys.
stay positive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hold--

You handled that discussion with your daughter so well!
Several events lately have made me reflect back on my own childhood, and how much of my own self-image and ability to handle things comes from the grounding my dad gave me. Dads matter, a lot.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kathi

Yes, I think it would be great for both of us if she gets this job. I have been encouraging her to go for it. It does fit her personality. And I have been extremely positive in my praise for her resume writing and interviewing. Plus she got a foot rub last night in celebration of her surviving the 4 person interview.

Still, I am in withdrawal (my choice) and will not permit myself (again my choice) to have any hope for our relationship. So while it may work out nicely for "us", I expect that means as separate individuals - not as a couple. For it to benefit us as a couple, she would have to make certain changes she shows no interest in making. And I would have to be coaxed out of withdrawal. Not bloody likely.

What is that old saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 987,654,321 times, shame on me.

Thank you.


That is why I stay. S12 and D10 need me around more than one weeknight every other week and 2 nights every other weekend.

not if you are Georg Bush. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I don't blame you for being cautious.

I just meant it could work out nicely for you guys for many reasons....who knows, ya know?
maybe something about the job will be fulfilling enough that Mrs. H will be pleasant more often.
or
maybe she will enjoy making $$ amd become $$ resposible.
or
who knows...maybe she will meet soemone who makes her realize she needs to DO something about her issues

never know, Hold...
I just wish you happiness and peace.

Hold, I wish you happiness, peace, and a new and better wife!

Just got back from D10's school entertainment show. The kids in her class play instruments and put on skits. D10 was in 2 skits and she and her buddy created a digital slide show projected onto a screen. D10 was so glad to see me there, especially since Mrs. Hold had to work (since she took off yesterday to interview). She ran up and gave me a big hug. That is one reason I moved to CT. So I could go to school events and get back to the office.


Or maybe she'll meet some rough and tumble probation officer and have an affair. Then I can say "gee, I guess sex wasn't unpleasant or unimportant after all."

You know you are a sick puppy when you don't fantasize about reconciliation, but instead fantasize about being able to say "gotcha!"

I'll take the first 2. Don't want another wife. I'm much too risk averse. If I ever find myself without a wife, can't imagine I would be willing to take my chances on another.

Well, I guess it would be OK if Mrs. Hold decided to become a new and better wife.

Ah, I got it. How about you wish for me to become a new and better person. That works regardless of how the wife thing turns out.

A new and better LIFE!

Mrs. Hold just called. She was making plans for Visiting Day at the camp we are going to send S12 to this summer. It is 2.5 hours from our house. She thought we should stay overnight nearby so we don't have to drive back late at night. She found us a lovely bed & breakfast for $260. I managed not to laugh. She suggested we could think of it as an anniversary getaway since it is only a week later and we probably aren't doing anything else to celebrate. She asked me for a credit card number to make a reservation. I again managed not to laugh.

Laughing is, of course, my way of deflecting the pain I feel over not wanting to celebrate our anniversary. I remember years ago when I planned elaborate anniversary celebrations. I remember years when I would have shed tears of joy if Mrs. Hold had suggested we go away to a B&B to celebrate anything - or nothing. Now I shed tears of sorrow over the loss of the "in love" feelings I no longer feel.

She is a CREEP. Tell her your love for her has died long ago and there is no way you want to suffer with her in a B&B! REFUSE! Refuse to rent it! It is YOUR money!

She is not a creep. She is a scared and lonely girl huddling in the corner.


Rest assured I am not spending $260 for the privilege of spending hours writhing in frustration "so close and yet so far".

I understand she is looking for reassurance. I understand that she does not enjoy my withdrawal. I understand she wants to reconnect. But she isn't capable of doing what I need. And I have had the football pulled away and fallen flat on my back too often for me to run toward it and swing my leg again.

Both kids will be at sleep away camp for 4 weeks this summer. I can't imagine what Mrs. Hold and I will do alone together for that long. To be fair, she made herself available the last couple of times the kids were away. Maybe she will be motivated to offer a repeat performance. At that point I would consider spending a night away with her. But I am not investing $260 on the chance that she feels frisky 3 or 4 months from now. BTDT.

She is not scared and lonely. She is an adult woman. Why not treat her like that and let her bear her own consequences.

The scared and lonely act is getting a bit old, if you ask me....this ACCOUNTANT was not scared and lonely enough to brazenly steal 112K of your saved hard earned money and blow it on junk and then lie about it.

She is brazen, bold, a liar, selfish, moneygrubber, cold, heavy and unhealthy, and cares more about appearances than reality. Who could live with her, who could stand her.

Hold,

My pastor said something this morning concerning romance in marriage, and refered to something he calls the 24/24 rule.

He was saying that when a couple take time away from the kids to spend time together the first 24 hours all the talk is typically surface things...the kids, work, the house, ect. ect...and it's not until the end of the first 24 hours that they even begin to emotionally reconnect and begin to see each other as the person they fell in love with, to where anything else can follow.

And it certainly seems that whenever you and the mrs are alone, with no kids, no stresses of kids, she seems to open up more emotionally and sexually to you. Granted maybe not as much or as often as you would like, but it does seem to happen that way...maybe not the second 24 hours...but at some point she becomes more relaxed and is more open to sex.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to go out and spend $260 on a room (as that will only take away from money that COULD be used for Son's b-day) but is there some where less expensive you could stay for a couple nights without the kids???

What a weekend! Up and down and all around.

Saturday we paid a condolence call to my Mom's cousin whose husband passed away. I hadn't seen her or her kids in years. Wish it had been under more pleasant circumstances. Mrs. Hold was very pleasant throughout the ride there and back.

On the way back, we listened to a guy on the radio interview some woman who got divorced and wrote a book about sleeping around with hundreds of guys since then. The host asked her why she got divorced. She said "my Dad told me that when the sex stops, the marriage is over and I hadn't slept with my husband in years so I figured it was time to end it." Then the host started talking about how wives who lose lots of weight often dump their husbands to play the field. I asked Mrs. Hold if she would leave me if she lost weight. She said "no, no one loves me like you do." Then she added "well, you don't really love me, you have a wierd love/hate thing going. But no one would feel about my children the way you feel." I agreed that no other man could love our kids the way I do.

The next morning Mrs. Hold was in bed when I came back from dropping the kids at Sunday school. That is one of her "signals". We had sex for the first time in weeks.

In the afternoon our neighbors invited us over to comment on the deep red color they are painting their living room. They wanted to know if it was too much for the room. Mrs. Hold and I both thought it looked great, and brought out the red in their rugs.

Late last night Mrs. Hold started complaining about our finances and our house. She said she can't imagine when or how we will ever get ahead of the bills. I told her that I am aiming for a raise at work. And she is getting a higher paying job. And in a year or 2 we might be making much more than we make now. She said it hurts her to see her friends and neighbors renovating their houses, knowing she can't afford to. And "we need it so badly because our house is a piece of crap". I said I was sorry she felt trapped, and sorry for my part in bringing that about by not being more successful at work. She said again how she can't understand how everyone else can renovate and we can't.

I lost it. I said I was sorry for my part in creating this situation, but my concern for her was running up against the fact that I still have not completely forgiven her for the past overspending - which we are still paying off. I reminded her how much more money we would have if she hadn't gotten crazy with spending in prior years. She said "but it was for the house". I said "the lunches downtown at expensive restaurants and the outrageous haircuts and the clothes for the kids from fancy department stores that they outgrew in a few months were not for the house. And even among the things for the house, the $1500 throw pillows and the multi-thousand dollar lace curtains were not within out budget. And you must have known they were extravagant, because you lied through your teeth when I asked you about them. You lied about misplacing the bills. You lied about how much debt you had run up. You lied about having already spent our savings. I am sorry, but there is a limit to my sympathy for your feeling bad about our not being able to afford to renovate our kitchen."

She said "I didn't mean to criticize." I snapped. "In what world is it not a criticism to say that our house is a piece of crap and you can't see how we will ever be able to afford to fix it up"?

She said "fine, I won't ever share my feelings with you again."

Ah well. So much for avoiding LBs. Where was my patented "thank you for sharing" line when I needed it?

Anyway, back to work. That is the priority. The good news is I have plenty of work to keep me distracted from worrying about Mrs. Hold.

TR

The idea is to stay overnight the weekend we go to visit our son in camp. There are basically no hotels in the area (a popular summer resort area) that are less than $200 per night on summer weekends. The cheap ones filled up months ago - long before we decided to send our kid to camp there.

I found an inexpensive motel. About an hour's drive away from the camp. We could easily get to the camp from there. But it would not be a "romantic weekend" to stay in a motel near the highway, in an urban area 40 miles from the camp.