well, that's too bad, Hold, i am sorry to hear that.
I think your idea about the letter si a good one.
be nice to her...i am sure she feels bad about not being chosen for the position.

and thanks for explaining your other post.
I think it's good that you focus ont he positive...as long as you really do consider it a positive....if you don't, you are going to end up reenforcing soemthing that causes you resentment.

Thanks for the friendly warning.

I do consider it a positive that she is understanding when I unexpectedly have to stay late at work. Especially now that she is working herself and doesn't have oodles of time to herself. So resentment should not be a problem.

Today I complimented her on how she uses her cell phone. A few months ago we got a huge bill. Once she started working full time she was using her phone like crazy and we got hit for big overages. I told her to always call me on my cell, because we have 1000 extra minutes free on calls within the network. And she did! This month: no overages. She went 100 minutes over our limit. But 250 of those minutes were within the network. So we had plenty to spare. Yippee! I was sincere on appreciating her for changing her behavior in response to my request. I am determined to do more of that. Who knows, if I keep it going maybe my feelings toward her will change.

Last night we went to S12's middle school orientation. They seem to have a very well developed structure in place to help kids deal with adolescence and the transition from elementary school to more "serious" studies. We feel good about where S12 will be next year.

Tonight is D10's synchronized swimming show. She is very excited. The grandparents on both sides are flying up from Florida to see her. At all 3 shows this weekend. Great support for D10.

Mrs. Hold was unhappy with me this morning. I asked what was wrong. She said she didn't know why, but she was upset with me. Oh well. Too busy today at work to worry about it. I'm sure she'll let me know when she is ready.

Have a nice weekend everyone.

severe emotional immaturity on your W's part, bordering on unfulled fantasy, narcissism and well honed borderline traits. . .

you are doing well Hold, keep it up. . . oh, and the private school education for my son has paid off, admittance into a top 20 engineering school with grants. . . private school is a wonderful environment for hard working children. . . and to help afford college later. .

wiftty

as far as the lecture on her spending goes, its not a love bust, but a reminder that she has a hard time reconciling ber behaviors in the past to her position at current. . . again, very immature emotionally. . .

stunted emotional growth around the age of 15. . .

wiftty

ah, top 50 engineering college. . .
using several different rankings. ..

I was using the most ego gratifying. .

wiftty

wiftty
Congratulations on your son. Glad to hear it worked out well.

As for the weekend, D10's swimming show went well. She loved performing. Wants to be on the regular team next year. My sister and her husband and son came up from New York to the afternoon show. So D10 had 10 fans in the audience, 7 of whom came from out of state to support her. Nice.

My Dad gave me money to cover summer camp for both kids. Last night at dinner my Mom was telling stories about my time at camp. Two stand out.

One year I got pushed into a concrete post and hit my head. Needed some stitches. Apparently, I convinced the camp director not to tell my parents because I ended up being fine (the neurosurgeon at the hospital checked me out) and my Mom would totally freak and take me home if she found out. And he listened to me. Then I did a dumb thing (I think I was 10 or 11 years old). I wrote my Mom and told her I was OK after being in the hospital and getting stitches. Mom went ballistic. Called up the camp director and ripped him a new one over not calling her. He said "in 30 years of being a camp director, I have never NOT called home when a camper got hurt. Until last week. Your son was so poised and so pursuasive and so obviously not suffering any ill effects that I let him talk me into not calling you. You are right. It was a mistake." So I guess I am not as unfit to be a lawyer as I think!

Another year on parents visiting day I borrowed crutches and bandages from the nurse's office and limped down to the greeting area with ketchup smeared on the bandages to make it seem like I was battered and broken. Then just as my horrified Mom started to cry, I flung the crutches away and tore off the bandages and yelled "fake out!" My Mom wanted to kill me. Gee, I guess when I was a kid I was more fun. Mrs. Hold was laughing so hard she couldn't breath. She was trying to tell our kids "don't you dare do that to me", but she was laughing so hard she couldn't talk.

Sure wish I felt and behaved now more like I was back then.

Yesterday Mrs. Hold interviewed with the principal of an elementary school in a neighboring town. The pay would be about what she makes in the doctor's office. Sligthly fewer hours per week. But she would be done around the same time our kids get out of school so she could be home in the afternoon. She doesn't know if she wants to work in an elementary school. But she likes the idea of having afternoons and summers off. Tough choice.

Last night we drove 2.5 hours to Passover seder with my Mom's counsin. Whose husband died 2 weeks ago. I had to leave work especially early and we got home very late, but I am glad we decided to go. Passover is partly about passing along history to children, and if we had not gone there would have been no children at the seder. Also, 10 people is much more festive than 6.

I am still not happily married. But I seem to be less unhappy about that than previously. Not sure why. But I'm not complaining.

She is working. That changes everything!!!!!!! Remember my list of 100 things that would change if she went back to work???? A huge step in the right direction!

Maybe so. I can't tell if that is the trigger.

For whatever reason, I am finally (long past time) getting comfortable that I am choosing this life. It still bothers me that our sex life is unsatisfying and that she is quite overweight and out of shape. But I am choosing to stay despite that. I could leave to seek a better sex life or a more fit partner. If I don't, I have no one else to blame.

I think that withdrawal has helped alot. I am no longer trying to improve my marriage. So I am not frustrated by the lack of progress. I think that is a huge part of what bothered me in prior years. Expending so much energy trying to improve my marriage with little or nothing to show for it. Now it doesn't bother me that our marriage is the same way it was months ago, because I haven't done anything to make it better. And I don't have huge marriage counselling bills to pay with nothing to show for it.

Mrs. Hold working may also play a role. Not sure. She keeps 100% of her income, so it not like I have any extra money coming in. She constantly complains about how little she makes and how she misses the free time and being home for the kids. But I do feel less resentment over her laying in bed all day while I am working. And maybe some day she will earn more or get some benefits that ease the FS burden.

In any event, being less anguished every day is a Good Thing.

Yes! When she complains, just smile. Or whatever else works.

a huge step in the right direction is her working and even looking out for BETTER jobs! I have more respect for her already.

ah, top 50 engineering college. . .
using several different rankings. ..

I was using the most ego gratifying. .

wiftty

I have a future engineer accepted to a few top universities, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

stella...you'd love me right now...I'm a workin' fool these days.

Hold, you sound better. That's encouraging!

Thanks. In many ways it is easier now that I am pretending less. I am still pleasant to Mrs. Hold. I still compliment her on those things I sincerely admire. But I am not kissing her feet or walking on egg shells. There is an emptiness now that my conflicted feelings are closer to being out on the table. But it is a different emptiness than when I was trying desperately to woo her and getting rejected.

How are you doing?

Sometimes I feel profoundly sad. It all seems such a waste. At this point I do not see any great options.

Like Mrs. Hold, my husband tries in his own way to be a good husband and father, but mostly his efforts do nothing for me. I do recognize and thank him and I do appreciate what he does, like lawn and car work, it just doesn't flip my switch. He is being a much better dad, after going through a weird disconnected unpredictable period.

Every once in awhile I talk to him about how I am feeling, but that is a waste of time, too.

But somehow just when I feel completely hopeless and start thinking of my escape plan in a few years, I will hear him laugh or see him smile and it warms me.

I wonder how much of my marriage and my husband I made up in my head.

He is not getting his needs met by me. I will never be the quick moving efficient chore minded person he respects. I don't think he likes or respects me. That's fair enough, I guess, I can't say I like or respect him, either. I did and call me crazy, but I could again.

Honestly I think he is depressed and I think he has some personality disorder that is either exagerated by his depression or midlife.

On the bright side. I am doing well at my jobs and I like them. When others appreciate me and interact with me, it helps me to believe I am not crazy and I am not a loser. I am a productive, intelligent, fun person.

It is not fair to say my husband MAKES me feel like a crazy loser or TRYS to make me feel like crazy loser. If we teach people how to treat us and we are responsiblie for our own feelings and reactions, then I am accountable for feeling like a crazy loser. When we are together, we get along just fine. And the kids are all great.

In fact someone came up to me the other day and said he knew all of my kids and actually thanked me for raising them to grow up to be contributing members of society. I thought that was kind of cool.

Now I am rambling, but hey, you asked. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the update. JMHO, I don't think you rambled at all.

I think we are in similar situations. It is bad, but not bad enough to leave. We aren't what our spouses wish us to be, and our spouses aren't what we wish them to be. No one is willing to change to become what their spouse desires. All of us are too tired of fighting to keep pushing for change.

I am glad to hear that your jobs are going well. And that you take some satisfaction from that.

And I am glad your children are doing well. It is VERY cool that your kids are contributing, and that someone noticed, and that they thought to mention it to you. I hope for a similar outcome for my kids.

Finally, I am glad to hear that your husband's laugh and smile warm you. That is huge. You don't want to know what it is like when that feeling goes away.

Hold, I don't know why I think of you on the Jewish holidays. To me you represent the Jewish constituency here at MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I was singing, "Da, dayenu, da, dayenu, da, dayenu, dayenu, dayenu! Dayenu" I don't remember the verses, only the chorus, but I remember what it was about. If God had even blessed us in smaller ways, it would have been enough. Yet he kept blessing us more and more richly. First with freedom from oppression, then with physical safety and physical needs like food, then he provided for us spiritually, with the Torah, with a homeland, with a Sabbath.

I feel overflowing with blessing, and wanted to wish you a Happy Passover!

Well, I am far from the only Jewish person here, but thank you for thinking fo me nonetheless.


Thank you. The same to you.

And a darn good point you make. I am richly blessed. Even if lacking in certain areas. And I should spend more time focusing on the blessings than on the shortcomings.

I spent the weekend out of town with family and friends. Truly a blessing to be surrounded by so many people who care about me and my wife and kids. Yet Mrs. Hold spent most of the day Sunday complaining that she does not enjoy her life. And I spent the day thinking that I wish I were married to my friend's wife or any of my counsins' wives. Every time one of these women gave me a hug hello or goodbye it tore a piece out of me. I am such a sick puppy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Meanwhile I must have faith (confidence?) that things will work out. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Recently a friend of Mrs. Hold's got her an interview with the principal of a nearby public school where she can be a teaching aide part time. Same pay as the doctor's office and hours that better fit our children's schedules. So Mrs. Hold is quitting her current job. Mrs. Hold was very nervous about giving notice and about how upset the doctor's wife (who is his office manager) was going to be. She gave notice this morning. And the doctor's wife said "oh, well we were planning to close the office at the end of the month so this makes it easier since we don't have to worry about how to get you a new position with the doctor who is taking over my husband's practice." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Here we were worried about being fair to the doctor and they were going to cut Ms. Hold off at the knees.

Today I am supposed to hear from a big new client. Wish me whatever.

whatever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. Hold heard back from the principal. She starts the Monday after spring break ends. We'll see if being away from the obnoxious boss helps her mood.

As for me, I am still waiting for the immensely rich guy to hire me. But the guys next door seem pleased with us and want to give us more business. So things are slowly improving here.

Still have to find a way to add non-work activities. Looked online for a book club to join but the sites in the magazine are all about how to start a club, not how to join an existing club. If I had enough friends to start a book club myself, I wouldn't need to join a book club!

The local gardening club has a meeting at the library at night next week. I'm thinking of going. In the past I avoided that club because it is mostly females. Now my resolve to stay "safe" is waning.

The garden club would be fun, also check into non profits near you, the local Arts Council, Community Theater, etc. See if any of them have open Board positions. It might open up some great networking possibilities for you.

What other types of clubs are you interested in?