sounds like a busy spring week-end!

"MY" NHL team won the he stanley cup when i was about 11....being part of Playoff games is indescribable!....some of my very favorite memories.

have fun! son12 will love it!

Had a very nice weekend. S12 loved the game Friday. He was amazed to be at the playoffs and to be so close to the action. Glad we went.

Saturday I planted several trees. Lots of hard work and sweating. S12 helped me move some of the bigger rocks out of the way and we made a circle around one of the trees. Not sure why I bother. We'll probably have to sell the house when we split. But I enjoy the physical labor so I am going to keep doing it to feed my soul even if I never get to see the eventual results of my labors.

Yesterday S12 and I walked in the charity walk. We raised money for the rape crisis center where Mrs. Hold volunteers. I wore baby blue patent leather boots with 5" clear acrylic platform heels and matching blue shorts and tights. The ladies from the center loved it that we guys got so into it. And we raised lots of money. Based on my wild shoes, I was interviewed for a newspaper article that appeared on Saturday and I was interviewed by a tv reporter who used my comments on the air on both the 6 and 10 news. Mrs. Hold was proud of me for participating.

So last night we crawl into bed. And Mrs. Hold rolls toward me. And grabs my arm and pulls it around her. Which she hardly ever does. I figure we could have had sex if I had pushed for it. But I didn't want to. Despite not having orgasmed for several days. And I usually maturbate daily. I just wasn't interested in sex with her. Had no trouble taking care of things by myself this morning. But last night I was not at all aroused by being near her and getting what seemed to be consent to take it further.

For years people wondered why I continued to seek sex with her. Well, I guess we have finally turned a corner. I'm not seeking it with her any more. I told her years ago she should be careful what she wishes for, because she might get it. Well, she wanted a guy who wasn't constantly pressuring her for sex. Now she has it. And I plan to leave her. I hope she is happy with what she is getting. But I don't think she will be.

Today was Mrs. Hold's first day at her new job. She doesn't love it. But she says she can tolerate it 4 hours a day. And she loves the location and the hours. So she will keep it for now and see what the future brings.

I am not sure what to tell her when she asks me about taking on more hours. She wants to be home with the kids in the afternoon. I too would like that if we stay together. But if we don't, she won't be able to financially. The thought of that hurts me.

I hate these thoughts. But we can't keep living like this.

why don't you tell her exactly what you said above?

Because I don't want to spoil s12's Bar Mitzvah. If I tell Mrs. Hold I am thinking of leaving her, she may decide to take action before then.

Am I proud of how I am behaving? No. That is why I am considering doing something I told myself I would never do (divorce my children's mother). Because I am happier behaving this way than I was when we were coaching with cerri and I was abiding by the MB principles.

I would rather live the MB way. But I don't see myself choosing to do that with Mrs. Hold. It is too painful.

i apologize if you have posted your reasoning and i missed it.
WHY are you afraid that Mrs. H will take action before YOU?
Why does that thought bother you so much?

Because I am not ready to face the carnage that is going to occur. I still might back down and wimp out. Once I tell her I am thinking of leaving, it is over. She isn't going to beg me to stay and promise to change. She is not going to ask for time to get prepared. She is going to want me out of her life ASAP. I can't say a word until I am ready to hand her the papers. Because once I say anything, we're done.

How can you be so sure?
or rather....why do feel so sure about how she will react?
what are you basing your assumptions on?

8 years of marriage counselling. 15 years of watching her attack whenever confronted with an unpleasant reality, and run away whenever I didn't back down. Zero times when we worked together cooperatively.

Not saying I was any braver or more mature. Just saying that she has been consistent from day one and I don't expect her to break form over this.

Is it conceivably possible that she will react differently this time? Yes. Am I willing to rely on her reacting differently? No.

Past results are not a guarantee of future performance. But they are relevant evidence.

Mrs. Hold is no dummy. You have been giving signals for some time - think how you have changed. You no longer beg for sex, you no longer appease, you no longer try to buy her favour.

You aren't a needy nerd anymore and she's no longer a trophy wife. You might not agree with the first part of that sentence, but trust me that Mrs. Hold is fully aware of the second part.
She probably even knows that the Bar Mitzvah is likely to be a watershed moment.

I think she sees that "carnage" coming and is just as unable as you to dodge it.

Agreed. Last night she said she needs to see an orthopedist. She said her hips hurt. I said OK, make an appointment. I hope nothing is seriously wrong. But you know what they are going to tell you." She said "yes, they are going to tell me to lose 50 pounds." She knows.

I don't know what she is going to do for health insurance if we get divorced. She is SOOOO not prepared for the next phase of her life.

Yesterday we were talking about her new job. It is OK. But she doesn't love it. And even if she could see herself doing it for the next few years while the kids are home, she can't see herself doing it after they leave. I asked if she wanted to "tread water" for 5 or 6 years and then not be any closer to qualifying for a job she likes when the kids are getting ready to go. She agreed that letting time pass without making progress toward a higher paying or more rewarding job is foolish. But she doesn't know what she wants to do instead. Perhaps necessity will be the mother of invention here.

Does anyone here have your e-mail? I wanted to send you the pictures from the walk.

i want to see those pictures!

Me toooooooo!!!!!!

I tried to e-mail them to Starfish from the office. Didn't work. I'll have to e-mail them from home.

This weekend is mostly planned out. Saturday morning I take S12 to services and Mrs. Hold takes D10 to art class. Sunday Mrs. Hold takes S12 on an all day field trip and I care for D10. Saturday afternoon my new riding mower arrives. Yippee! So unless it rains Sunday, D10 and the neighbor girls will be getting rides in the spray painted cart that I pull behind the mower. 24 hp V-twin with auto trans should be able to whip them around good. Doesn't K always say that there aren't any marriage problems that can't be solved by enough time spent with a nice shiny tractor?

I probably won't be spending any time with Mrs. Hold this weekend. And she announced this morning that she has been waking up several times each night to pee, so she doesn't think she will be able to come with us on the Memorial Day camping weekend. Guess no one is shocked to hear that I am relieved to discover she won't be with us.

Hanora is probably correct. Maybe Mrs. Hold can see what is coming.

I kind of doubt that Mrs Hold knows that you have checkedout of the marriage. Many times where one person keeps pushing for change, when they stop the other person feels relieved and assumes that the spouse has finally seen things their way. Such people are completely flabbergasted when the bomb drops.

What is it with guys and tractors? I sort of understand cars and motorcycles - but tractors?
Maybe I spent too much time on or behind those John Deeres and Massey Fergusons for there to be any sense of allure to them.

I have to see those pictures. Did you do the entire mile in those killer boots? Starfish used to have my e-mail, but that was quite a while ago.

I agree with webfootgirl. When my wife checked out of the marriage, I actually assumed things were getting better between us, because we weren't fighting anymore, and she wasn't getting mad at me all the time anymore. When I found her emails and saw she couldn't stand me and wanted to divorce, I was flabbergasted.

In her emails, I saw her mention events from our recent past, and I had no idea she felt so strongly and so negatively about me. I had drawn completely different conclusions from the same events about how she felt about things.

It could well be that Mrs. Hold thinks things are finally getting better because you're not badgering her anymore, and because you aren't complaining about things. And it could well be that if she read here what you write about her, that she'd be very surprised.

WFG and CC are probably right. She probably has no clue. We had sex this morning. She snuggled with me and I got aroused and figured I might as well go for it. We haven't had sex in weeks. I lasted about a minute. She was very nice about it. I feel like crap. So what else is new.

Starfish and Seekingjoy have the pictures. Those are the only e-mail addresses I have for MB people.

Yes hanora, I walked the entire mile in the boots. Actually, it wasn't so bad. Painful, but not debilitating. My boots had chunky heels, lots of ankle support and lots of leather for the front of my foot to strain againt. Some of the guys had pumps with stiletto heels and kept turning their ankles. Other guys had open toes shoes with straps that bit into the front of their foot. Compared to those guys, I got off easy. Next year, white or hot pink! I am working my way up to the bright red thigh highs!

And yes, I think the tractor thing is for guys who work in offices all day. Like last weekend, I dug holes and planted trees for a few hours Saturday. I loved it. Sunday S12 and I moved some very large rocks around. More fun getting dirty. But I imagine if I worked a job where I spent all day 6 days a week digging holes and moving rocks, it would feel like drudgery. All good things in moderation. An hour or 2 on Sunday driving my tractor is fun.

I think I figured out what is bothering me. Before I got married, I often felt uncomfortable about having sex with women if I knew they weren't "the one". After I had sex with Mrs. Hold yesterday, I felt like I used to feel back then. That it was wrong for me to have sex with her. Because she is no longer "the one". And because I can't convince myself that she wants the sex for her own enjoyment.