|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
Why does SHE have access to the discover card?? why isn't she paying for this herself with her own income?? She does not have access to the Discover card. This is her anniversary present from me. Dinner and a concert. At least, that is what I told myself when I decided not to have a big fight over going to the Berkshires and NOT going to dinner at a nice restaurant or attending a concert at Tanglewood "while we're there anyway".
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
Deleted. TMI.
Last edited by holdingontoit; 05/29/07 04:47 PM.
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578 |
Mrs. Hold is trying to turn it into an anniversary celebration. She made dinner reservations at a nice restaurant. Got us tickets for a BSO concert at Tanglewood. She may even offer sex! A few years ago I would have been on pins and needles worrying how to behave in the weeks between now and then. Wondering if I made all the plans correctly so maybe she would be in the mood. Now I am merely hoping that I won't be too angry with myself for permitting this little indulgence when the Discover bill arrives. Can't you just go and enjoy this opportunity and forget about the money? We all have a habit of living each day on automatic pilot--doing the things we are supposed to do or have to do day after day. Your wife has planned a special escape for the two of you are setting yourself up to have a rotten time. Have you been to Tanglewood before?
Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20
Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8
Happily married 30+ years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
Can't you just go and enjoy this opportunity and forget about the money? I agree that would be healthier. We all have a habit of living each day on automatic pilot--doing the things we are supposed to do or have to do day after day. Your wife has planned a special escape for the two of you are setting yourself up to have a rotten time. Yes, I can see how this would appear to be a nice occassion. I will try to go with a positive attitude and enjoy the music and the setting. Try to appreciate what a wonderful life I have. Try to appreciate what a privilege it is to leave the cares of the world behind and listen to beautiful music. I will try to ignore the past. Ignore the pain. Ignore my feelings toward my companion. And just relax and enjoy the enjoy the evening. Thank you for helping me put things in perspective. Have you been to Tanglewood before? No. I hear it is very nice. I am looking forward to finally getting a chance to go. Have you been there?
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578 |
Yes, I have been to Tanglewood. I live in Massachusetts and we often camp in the Western part of the state or just drive out for the day.
Tanglewood is expensive so we often go see the rehearsals for free--these are often held early in the day.
Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20
Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8
Happily married 30+ years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
Once again, I'd really recommend you read The Passionate Marriage by Dr. Schnarch. Well, now I am SURE I read Passionate Marriage in the past, because I just got an e-mail from Dr. Schnarch asking me to update my contact information in his database. So apparently I registered on his web site back when I read the book.
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
Yes, I have been to Tanglewood. I live in Massachusetts and we often camp in the Western part of the state or just drive out for the day.
Tanglewood is expensive so we often go see the rehearsals for free--these are often held early in the day. Earlier in the day we will be visiting S12 at camp. Otherwise the rehearsal sounds like a great idea. I understand Tanglewood is expensive. That is what bothers me. Expensive dinner. Expensive concert. Then back to the expensive hotel room to lie silent and motionless on opposite sides of the bed. Because if I move or make any noise, Mrs. Hold tells me to shush and stop moving. I am going to enjoy myself at dinner. And at the concert. But that is going to be in spite of Mrs. Hold. Not because she is with me.
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578 |
Is he going to music camp?
You need to bring a blanket, wine or champagne, cheese, crackers...
Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20
Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8
Happily married 30+ years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578 |
Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20
Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8
Happily married 30+ years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
Is he going to music camp? No, he is going to sports camp. But it is in Lenox so we are going to be nearby. And visiting day ends at 4:30 so Mrs. Hold was looking for something to do the rest of the evening. You need to bring a blanket, wine or champagne, cheese, crackers... That is another battle I lost. I wanted to get lawn seats so we could picnic. She insisted we get seats in the Shed in case it rains. I asked to bring food anyway, as I understood it is possible to eat out on the lawn before taking your seats. She insisted we go to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Which doubles the price. And detracts from the Tanglewood experience. We used to live in Highland Park, Illinois, which has Ravinia - the summer home of the CSO. So I understand what a lawn concert is like. I would have preferred that. But not to be. Yes, good point. We will bring plenty.
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578 |
If you have a chance--try to visit the Clark museum--it's just up the road (route 7) in Williamstown)
They own an outstanding collection of Renoirs and other impressionists as well as some French academy works (different style-same era)
They are having a special Monet exhibit this summer (beginning June 24th) "The Unknown Monet" We are looking forward to it.
The Clark is a small, intimate and romantic museum in a rural setting with beautiful grounds/stunning scenery.
Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20
Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8
Happily married 30+ years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
If you have a chance--try to visit the Clark museum--it's just up the road (route 7) in Williamstown)
They own an outstanding collection of Renoirs and other impressionists as well as some French academy works (different style-same era)
They are having a special Monet exhibit this summer (beginning June 24th) "The Unknown Monet" We are looking forward to it.
The Clark is a small, intimate and romantic museum in a rural setting with beautiful grounds/stunning scenery. Thank you. I will suggest that to Mrs. Hold. More generally, I very much appreciate your efforts to drag me out of my depression. My instinct is to reduce this trip to the bare essentials (drive to MA, visit S12, drive home). I don't want to spend more time alone with Mrs. Hold than is absolutely necessary. But I am shortchanging myself this way. I would probably enjoy the museum. Or a hike up a hill. Or something other than driving home so I can mow the lawn and watch tv. Thanks for treating me like a real person. A person who has a life.
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,578 |
The museum will set you back about $25 (for two) but it is worth it.
Unfortunately there has been a recent build-up of pricey outlet-type stores and shops in the Lenox area. If your wife is attracted to that kind of thing, a trip to the museum could be a way to distract her.
Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20
Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8
Happily married 30+ years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
The museum will set you back about $25 (for two) but it is worth it. Thanks for the warning. I am guessing the traffic on Route 7 will set us back more than the price of admission. Unfortunately there has been a recent build-up of pricey outlet-type stores and shops in the Lenox area. If your wife is attracted to that kind of thing, a trip to the museum could be a way to distract her. I may not get my way about much, but "we can go to the outlet mall if you want, but my credit cards are not leaving my wallet" tends to short-circuit those type of requests. There is always the chance that Mrs. Hold will pull out her debit card for the account where she keeps her salary. But if she is not working this summer (so far no job offers), she probably won't be in a position to go outlet mall shopping in July. So the museum is a great idea.
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531 |
Hey you are pissed off at her. You gave and gave your money, etc. Now you dont want to give any more not one thin dime.
I agree you have reached your "no more" point in the relationship.
You have reached this point unfortunately without having the skills to go beyond this point. You are hanging on the edge in the marriage. Once you develop the skills to separate from her and divorce then i feel you will do it.
You just dont have the skill level for that step quite yet. Hopefully you will soon before things furthur deteriorate.
I dont know how you can stand to be in the same house, the same car, the same vacation, be at the same functions, be in the same room and especially the same bedroom as her!
I would not be able to do it! Maybe fear keeps you there even with all your resentment and lovebank drained dry.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
I read an article in the NYT magazine about a movie producer. He tried to be a good husband and father. He was very upset when his parents got divorced, even though they both remained very involved in his life. He did not want to pass that pain on to his kids.
His wife made a couple of comments to him that really got me thinking.
1. "Don't think that because you don't yell you are not mean. What you just did was very mean."
2. "We don't just need you to be here. We need you to be involved in our lives."
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,900
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,900 |
Sunday NYT Mag? I missed that one. But it is good that those comments have make you think.
I've been following your story for a long time. The lap dog HOTI was not a tenable situation and I give you full credit for all you did to correct the situation through counseling etc. The taking a stand HOTI, was definately better and in fact did yeild some results. Maybe not as much as hoped but some. This simmering resentful HOTI is not good for you or anyone else.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
Sunday NYT Mag? I missed that one. But it is good that those comments have make you think. The cover story in our area was about the producer of the movies "40 Year Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up". Are there different versions of the NYT Sunday magazine? This simmering resentful HOTI is not good for you or anyone else. Exactly. I thought I could make it another 8 years staying for the kids and basically ignoring Mrs. Hold. Then I thought I could make it until December. Now I am hoping I can make it until the kids go to camp in 3 weeks. Everyone here is correct. I need to have the talk I have been dreading. So we are back to my original title for this thread. Wish Me Luck.
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,638
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,638 |
Hold - You have probably already addressed this early in the thread or elsewhere, so please have patience with me if you've already answered this...
What do you think the effect would be on your W and your M in general if you were to become assertive. Not an abusive LBer, but assertive and with clearly defined boundaries WITHOUT the specter of D looming over you. An assertive and confident H, not an assertive STBXH.
I understand that you don't feel like you're assertive or confident, and that you were a self-described "doormat" from the beginning of your M, but what if you changed yourself? You don't want to carry the issues that you own into another R, do you?
Last edited by Seabird; 06/01/07 02:21 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
Seabird:
Have no idea what assertive but not STBX looks / feels like. Have no idea how Mrs. Hold would react. Probably worth trying. We'll see how I handle the convo with Mrs. Hold.
Hanora:
Did you ever get to see the pictures of me in the boots?
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
1,299
guests, and
90
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,032
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
