Hello all,
I've been trying to work on my marriage for the past 2-1/2 months. Very short timespam I know. I have used the advice on this site since mid. Dec. I know it has helped me tremedously.
I am not sure how to post a link to my main thread, I am sure you could do a post search using my name if you wanted to spend the time reading about my ups amnd downs.

Currently, my wife and I are in weekly counseling sessions with Jennifer. She is great! I have read SAA, and HNHN, working on LB it's a slow read though. I had been unable to pry the EN's out of my wife. So I tried to meet them all. That didn't work so well, it stressed me out too much and drove my wife nuts.

Well this past Sunday after only our second session with Jennifer, I have discovered my wife's top 3 EN's. I will focus on those for now. The thing is I don't know how to do that. I am horribly out of practice. I wanted to ask for some creative tips on meeting some of her needs.


1) Conversation

I think I know how to have a conversation. Any ideas regarding what to talk about after being married for 15 years?




2) Admiration


I understand the meaning. How do i express it though.



3) Recreational companionship

Any creative ideas regarding recreation. Keeping in mind the fact that we have two 11 y/o daughters.





I thought about this last night. I went over them in my head while praying. I asked the lord to help me learn how to meet these needs for my wife. As soon as I asked him for help, my resentment towards my wife faded. It turned to a feeling of compassion for her.


I pieced together all of the things I've read here, in books and been told by Jennifer. I realized that it all makes sense. I haven't been very caring at all for a while now. The poor thing, all she wants is someone to talk to, someone to admire her, and to have a good time.


Now, I need to work on providing those needs for my precious wife. Your creative tips would be greatly appreciated.



Thanks,
CD

"How was work today? Here's what happened during my day at work." What are her interests? Show an interest in what she likes and have an intelligent conversation about it. Is she into the arts, pop culture, politics? What did she talk to OM about. When she's talking to you don't half listen while you are watching the TV, stop what you are doing and look at her.


You look really good in those jeans. I'm really proud of that raise you got at work, you've really got your career up and running. You such a great mother to the girls. Mmm honey, dinner was great. I really appreciate you running the girls around and still having time to cook dinner. Etc.


Keep in mind that there is such a thing as a babysitter. If you can't get a sitter one night a week, at least get one every other week. My WW and I went to a murder mystery dinner last Saturday. Take her to a new exhibit at one of the museums. Is Wicked still playing at the theate? What does she like to do? Print and fill out the recreation questionnaire.

Heres a way to help. When your wife talkes to you - you just repeat back part of what she said. Do this word for word.

Mrs. "I feel so lost at times. I don't know how to move past these feelings."

You "You feel lost at times. I'm sure you do and I want to help you find your way back. We can work on this together."

This works very well. After you do it enough it becomes second nature.



Sometimes Admiration also means to admire you and respect you. By doing Plan A and making yourself a better more manly peroson she will grow to Adimre you for it.

You can show her Admiration by letting her know when she has done something good. Also acknowledge her pain. Let her know that is must be hard for her to be in this sitch and that you Admire her for her trying and work. You also admire her for being a good mother to your kids.



This can be anything. Auto, boat RV shows, ice skating, Sunday Family Fun Days where you go out and so something then dinner out, a night or two at a hotel with a pool and hot tub, you are about 3 hours away from Wis Dells that is home to many indoor water parks, check the news paper for things to do, circus.

I spent lots of time doing family things. I mean LOTs of time. I played heavily on the family part. I wanted my wife to know that this was our family and we had FUN FUN FUN. She would not have that with OM.

Also, you need to spend the 15 or more hours a week with just the two of you. Walking in the park, dinner at a new place, short day trips.

Your are Chi DAD and you are good, not LB, a mans man, the only choice that your wife has and she would be nuts to want to leave you.

Go plan something now!!!

Thanks guys,
Hey there is a board game that helps encourage conversation. I read about it somewhere in the posts. Can't remember where does anyone know what it's called. I think that would be a good way to meet 2 EN's.

Here are some ideas...

Conversation Starters


The Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

As far as meeting the need for admiration, people who have a high need for this vary on the type of admiration that makes deposits. Your W would be your best source of information on which things meet her need for admiration.

when engaged in conversation, be sure to look into her eyes. Give her your undivided attention and enjoy what you are looking at. Do "active" listening--state back to her what she is saying to you as well as the feelings she seems to be expressing. Like "you sound tired" or "you seem really excited about that".
Lake

Are you spending 15 hours a week doing FUN things together? That should take care of some of the conversation. What kind of things does your wife enjoy? What did you do while you were dating?

CD,

This is what works for me with conversation:
As 1anddone said - look into her eyes.
Remember 85% (or whatever) of all communication is non-verbal. When you're listening have your body square on (so your shoulders/chest are at 90 deg to where she's sitting) & adopt an open stance (do not fold your arms etc.).
Give her 100% of your attention - when she speaks you listen; the trick here is to really, really listen (when 'listening', most people are thinking what they're going to say next when the other persons stops speaking - clear your mind & listen).
Pauses & silences are OK, good even. When given an attentive audience people are (generally) comfortable with quiet moments & will fill them naturally.
Everybody loves to talk about themselves - this is always a rich seam (& will give you a better appreciation of your spouse, & she'll pick up on this).
Don't interrupt (however tempted).

I need help myself on demonstrating admiration so I'll keep quiet on that one. I expect that ideas for recreational activities will come along as communication improves.

Em

Well,
We had a nice time last night. WE talked for about an hour. Things happening on her job, with her friends, the kids etc. It was nice. I think I can manage the conversation thing ok.

Showing Admiration I still don't get. Very few of my EN's are being met right now , since we are early in the withdrawl stage.

It is hard to see things to admire. I do all of the cooking, most of the housework, homework with kids etc. Maybe it's resentment I am feeling at this point. I guess this is one of those needs that will not be possible to meet until she is ready.

Perhaps when we get to a point where we are both working on meeting each others needs, i will admire her for doing that. I just don't know where to "find" admiration right now.

maybe you could tell your W her hair looks nice or she looks sexy.
i know that would mean a lot to me, as a woman.

Your hair looks nice forgivingone

lol jk thanks.


She is a lovely lady I will let her know that I recognize that about her.

Come on man - get with it. What did you say and do while you were dating her? Evey guy has some nice things to say while trying to woo a woman.

You will not be getting many if any EN met right now and not for a while yet. This is the hard part, the waiting for her to "come a round".

Are you doing the repeat back to her thing? Trust me on this one - it works great. I felt amost like I was cheating some how.