My wife had a PA and EA back in 2005. The D-Days depending on what version of the story started in 11/05 all the way to 10/06. She is halfway sticking to the 10/06 story.

Anyway, she states that she is a weak person and that she can not "be there" for me during the recovery process. She says that just by remembering what happened or seeing my pain causes a great deal of hardship on her both physically and mentally. She says she starts to fill with stress and they are causing medical problems, pains, aches, etc. She thinks the recovery process is "killing her" literally.

The fact that she can not be supportive or compassionate to me because of the stress it puts on her leads me to the question.

Is it possible to recover with FWS without her support / confort in times of pain, etc?

She has changed a great deal. More spiritual, attends church, meditates, journals, all things to help her be more in tune to her own thoughts, desires, etc.

However, can I recover without her. Can I put this is the past and just move forward not worrying about the future and just trusting that everything will be OK? Has anyone experienced this. Maybe I will post on the General Questions board as well.

Hopeful

ASK HER:


[i]"If I were sick with cancer or parkinsons disease ... would you be there for me under those difficult circumstances? Or would you be likely to abandon me then as well?"

I am going to ask the obvious question. What is keeping you from recovery?

I need to know as my BS is also moving slowly to recovery.

Maybe we can help each other in this process.

A - 10/05
18 months in recovery and still unforgiven.

lilmom

What is keeping me?
I saw this list of things the BS must do. I listed the things that she is not doing and showed it to her and asked if she agreed. She said, yes, she agrees however those items are difficult to do because of the stress, guilt and such that she experiences. I feel like I need her to be conforting and reassuring and to yes, hear me vent or talk about the A. See below.

1. She must be totally honest with you about everything
2. She must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
4. She must prove her love to you...She must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
9. She must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. She must reassure you that you will not drive her away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. She must recognize when you are struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
14. She must put her own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.

So, brutal honesty. It has been over a year since the A or 5 months?

1. Is she telling you the truth and you just don't believe her? If so this is a trust issue.
2. Who is to say if the questions have been answered truthfully and fully. --- I can not tell you the level of frustration that I feel when I have answered a question for the millionth time the same way. It is like having s*** thrown in your face and forced to eat it. Imagine having emotionally raped a person, and then being forced to relive that moment step by step everyday - just because someone has a question. Is it possible that she answered the questions?

BTW I have a hormone imbalance and go into panic attacks when lots of questions start(it's not pretty). I feel like I'm having a heart attack. So, I feel I may understand a little of what your wife is going through when she thinks she can't handle it.
4. Prove her love to you --- how do you prove your love to her? Look to fill her EN and discuss ENs with her. I get no ENs filled. AND, IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE to give love to someone that does not want to be touched, ignores you, or calls you names. Make it safe for her to love you.
9. Do you make it safe for her to answer questions or do you go on to the attack when you hear the answers. She has to feel safe to be honest.
10. -- Can't help you there --- If she is seeking medical help or IC I would take this as reassurance.
11. Did you tell her your triggers. My BH has so many that it is like a mine field. Take a step back and imagine what she is trying to do --- IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE TO THE WW TO FIX WHAT SHE HAS DESTROYED.
14. You may not get this one. If she truly has problems like I do the imbalances were a trigger for the A. Although she may recognize and be able to deal with the triggers and not fall again, the imbalances are still there causing mental fog. Guilt and shame are powerful and can destroy a person mentalily.

Please keep writing. I need to know what will help you with recovery as much as you do.

lilmom