Stray thought here. My wife once told me that she would not have had an affair with a married man. The reason is that she would not want to mess up the life of another woman. That is pretty admirable of her but how does that make me feel. Don't mess up the stranger's life, but mine is OK to destroy. She actually cares more about a woman she does not even know than the life of her husband.

Anybody ever feel this way. Has anyone ever said this? I would only have an affair with a single person.

It is difficult when you are recovery because your mind does dwell on just about every comment the FWS has made.

Hopefull

I have heard it said before.
I am sure some calculated W's prefer the idea of a single person to carry on with...less complication...
but that does not really mean anything....in my opinion, anyone lacking the values to go ahead w/ an affair in the first place....would find a way to justify doing so with a married person just as quickly as a single person.

Can't it be some kind of justification of the affair? Something like "I did not do everything wrong, at least he was not married".

I have heard really strange justifications of very bad things people have done. It seems like they try every possibility to find an excuse for what they have done.

Selective "morality," that is designed to make her feel good about an immoral lifestyle. "I am very moral when I am immoral." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Certainly agree with all said here.

Perhaps the "silver lining" in this incident is the implicit recognition that what she did was wrong, bad, evil -- in effect saying, "I know what I did was wrong, but it could have been worse!"

As I posted on this thread under "Recovery" I think she's wrestling with the dawning recognition that her infidelity puts her in a group of people of which she would rather not be a part.

The other thread Hope_Full posted was his wife's statement that her and the OM were friends/had a connection instead of the ONS it really was with a stranger.

She may be looking at herself in the mirror and seeing the reflection of someone who has no morals or certainly turned her back on her moral standards and "mortally wounded" her husband.

In order to try and stand looking at herself in the mirror (actual or metaphysical) she has to say, "well I'm not AS BAD as other infidels -- I wouldn't go as far as they did -- have sex with a total stranger or a married man."

Fog talk for sure, but I think it may be an indication that she is trying to salvage some shred of self-worth and dignity. Perhaps when fully emerging from the fog she will have a real struggle with reconciling the type of person she was to have an affair and the type of person she wants to be -- a good wife and moral person.

What she needs to hear and know is that the only real path to dignity is to return to her marriage, decry all aspects of the affair and recommitt to making her marriage the fulfilling relationship for her and her husband.

My $.02.

I believe that OP that are single present a more difficult situation most of the time because there is less leverage that can be put on them in most situations.

They don’t have as bad of a “worse case scenario” in which to wake up and find themselves swimming in after exposure.

They often times present cases of extreme desperation and pathetic-ness.

And though their emotional needs were obviously not met well by anyone before the A, they can tend to be more clingy when trying to establish NC because they see a situation where they will be right back into the lonely void that they were living before the A started.

This situation can also lend itself to the thoughts of the WS that by abandoning their adulterous lover, the OP will have nothing.

It’s just so UNFAIR!

Back under the rock,