I have been pondering a post on my feelings of the differences in the WS, FWS and the RWS .

I feel this might be an important distinction for all of us, meaning the BS and any of the above WS's. I feel it might be easier for the BS to respect the RWS and not confuse them with a WS or a FWS. RWS have worked hard and I think it will make their voice more easily heard if they are given a separate title from the others.

Let me start with the WS, the most obvious one.

The WS is in the throws of their A. Making bad choices telling lies, and cheating their butts off. They lack self respect, they have low self esteem, they have little self worth, they are people pleasing, weak minded, conflict avoiding, character flawed individuals willing to sacrifice all that they have for one moment of euphoria.

The FWS is a Spouse who was either busted, or confessed after or during their A. Most times they struggle to keep NC, they fight withdrawals, they justify, they are still not completely truthful, they are often on the defensive, they think they have found their soul-mate, they think the A was a beautiful thing and nobody understood them like the OP, and they are constantly rewriting history.

The FWS, is still very vulnerable to having an A. If your FWS is not doing the work, does not know what truly drove them to their choice to have an A, then your FWS is very likely to become a WS again.

The FWS is a work in progress, and no BS should stop here with their recovery efforts.

For your FWS to change they need to, you need to, understand fully the dynamics of the A and understand fully what the brain does to your heart when you are in the throes of this A. Then you need to research yourself, figure out why you were vulnerable to this. I have listed some major character flaws above, all of which I had, all if which led me to my A. Once addressed, learn how to over come these. Seek council, read books, read MB, communicate with your S do what ever needs to be done to self improve.

During this transition of becoming a RWS, you will start to see remorse and regret, your spouse might want to apologies to all involved, they will start living by radical honesty, their defenses will diminish.

The RWS, lives by Harley's principles, they protect their marriage, they are a new an improved version of themselves. They have worked out their character flaws. They are no longer vulnerable with their actions or with their thoughts of becoming a WS. You will not hear a foggy comment from them, and they truly understand where the A came from, they understand the OP was only a vessel in this very sad self destructive, self indulgent process.

Open for discussion

KY

Hi

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

the recovered are happy people and a pleasure to be around

Excellent post KY-- and very true. There's a huge difference between FWS and RWS. When my husband first came home he was no longer a WS but was definitely a FWS. Thank God he's now a 100% RWS.

K4,

What you write makes alot of sense. After my WH first affair he was a FWS, not truley committed to recovering. Only did MC for 6 months and during this time he was still in contact with OW. Marital recovery never seemed to be a priority to him. Everything was going okay as long as it was going his way. Mentioning my EN would have him tell me I was trying to start an argument...I was never satisfied. Looking back now this did make him more prone to have another A. He never became a RWS or even wanted to try.

Pepp,

I love you by-line.... I hope you're right about that as I'll soon be entering Plan B

Still

I think it's important for the boards to realize the difference in the FWS and RWS, there if often offense taken by the generalization of the labels,if there are separate labels, then maybe there will be less offending.

I also feel it is very important for the BS to know the difference in the two. There are FWS who own up to the fact that they made a mistake and apologize for it, but that is where their recovery efforts stop for themselves. To truly recover you need to exam, digest yourself, and deal with your character flaws, and once you are aware of these, you improve upon yourself. This is when you will have marital security.

Oh Queen J,
You are soooo Wize! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You must share more of your Thoughts with the masses! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

But you are right on with this one.
There is a difference.
A HUGE One in fact.

Sad part is too many folks don't even want to look at this issue, let alone accept it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Cause it takes a heck of a lot More then simply Not currently boinking somebody else, and accounting for your time to become a RWS.

Sadly,
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAR to many never even get close to the "R" .....yet somehow proudly claim an F ....when in reality, their really not changing the inner person that let them to the "W" in the first place.

People want to claim it as a simple mistake and Not OWN/Admit to their character flaws which lead to those awful choices. (Somehow seems more palatable that way, I guess).

Yep
the selfishness and/or entitlement OR even no boundary issues still permeate many's thinking/attitudes.
You can clean up a pig ...and its still a sow/boar.

IT ain't the outside we're talkin about .....its the Real You. Clean IT up ...and for good.

Very true, nicely said my dear friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> May I add that unless NC is in place it is impossible IMHO to make that change from a FWS to a RWS. I floundered as a FWS for many years due to not telling my H the truth AND the occasional work contact with xOM. Once complete NC was in place and I was soaking up information here on MB did I become the RWS that I am today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Myself, I claim to be a recovered idiot.

Pep

How does one determine for certain if they are simply a FI still in denial?

Common folk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Of course NC, Faith, I do believe I put that in there, I just didn't emphasize it.

Pep, a true Idiot is always an Idiot. HI - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Top rope said boinking. hee hee

Frozen - FI???????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Kyellow4!

This is a really good idea, it would probably help posters a great deal to readily tell what is good advice and what maybe isn't?

Maybe the BS should have similar labels to differentiate them as well. I remember very early on when BS that were not recovered replied to me from their place of pain and bitterness, and had I known that at the time, I may not have wanted to shrink back and give up!

Of course, my personal opinion is that once you are fully recovered the label should be completely dropped.

NOW

FI = Former Infidel?

stillhurting - that's what I mean, and that is what Top rope said so colorfully, you can't just stop the actions, you need to do the work.

Princess- thanks.

Top rope, I had a thread called WS own your affair, stop playing the victim, this would go well with this, especially on that recovery thread where this came from.

Many times the BS holds the WS back by placing blame on the OP, this I feel enables the WS. It allows them to play the victim, they can avoid accountability and just point the finger at the OP. I would love to bump that, but I can't find it. GRRRRRRRRR

That's a good question....and I think it's one that only the FI can answer...I think deep down, you know if you are in denial. Nobody else can "tell" if you are...people are sometimes just too good at "playing the game".

Then there are those FI where it is obvious to everyone.

thanks NOW - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think it would be obvious to spot a fake.

NOW - I understand the use of the labels for the boards, it is our history, our story, our perspective, and therefore I feel it is important here.

I thought Froz meant Former Idiot, but as Queen Jel says "once an idiot, always an idiot"

Glad to see you back here for a bit. I bump your thread every so often for new FWS's

Oxymoron.



I'm not certain that is true for the Wookie, though from your lips to my ears I've heard you speak this...and I recognize it's truth for you. Perhaps it is because of the continued disguting things (yes, lice still) we have to deal with regarding VD that keeps him (sober).



When this, THIS THIS person arrives in your life, the WS is no longer recognizable as the same entity (excepting the name and similar basic hairy legged form are vaguely familiar).



It is a hard mirror to look into....the ugliness is sometimes harder for the Wayward to cope with than the Betrayed.

Dearest Queen Jelly....smackaroonies...because you pulled me up and pulled me through...and it was some hard towing.

And...I think you've done lost my number....but I miss you.

- Kimmy

There's a lot of missing labels around here.

I'm not so sure, still, that it's always "obvious".

Often you can't tell when someone is depressed.

I can't tell by looking at or talking to someone if they are a murderer, child abuser, alcoholic, etc....or not. Well, unless they are actively murdering, abusing or drinking of course.

It's a heart condition, being recovered. Sometimes there are signs, yes. But think about how many BS say they had NO CLUE WHATSOEVER that their spouse was having an affair!

Why?

Because WS's are "pretenders". And very good ones.

And so can FWS be pretenders. And even people who have never cheated.