Hi Everyone,

I'm back and doing better than before, I think. Although I have a question for you. I've been dating a girl who is 10 years younger than me for a few weeks now and last night I thought I would ask her what she thought of monogamy while at the same time assuring her that I was not looking for an exclusive/serious relationship discussion just monogamy in dating.

So she says that she has some concerns about my being married before and living in the house that I shared with my wife and that she likes the way things are going but that she is dating other people and wasn't sure how comfortable she was with the age difference.

Not the type of response I was looking for. Just kinda thought she would say something like, yeah, I believe in having sex with one person at a time.

So, I basically am pretty freaked out by her response although the reason I asked it was because I felt like things were not developing between us and that she had a wall up. So now, although I care about her and would love to get to know her and date some more, there is really nothing I can do about the fact that I was married before and I think I'm just gonna let her be and see if she has a change of heart about whether or not she wants to be with me and "only me". I hope that's not too much to ask for. I mean, what's the point of dating if it's not gonna go anywhere, right?

Coughlin,
Have you lost your mind? Why are you dating a 26 year old given what you want out of a relationship now? This woman may see a whole lot of reasons to date even if it’s not going anywhere. What exactly do you mean by “dating a few weeks”? Are we talking 3 or 8? For me 3 weeks would be a little soon to expect exclusivity. If you ask me, it sounds like you are heading down the same path again. I doubt she’ll get more comfortable with the age difference. Age difference issues become more apparent as a relationship progresses, not less.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />Let's get this straight:
*You've been dating only a few weeks and are already having sex.
*You aren't interested in a serious relationship but want her to be interested in only you.
*You don't want her to have sex with anyone else but you.
*You're freaked out because she gave an honest answer to what she interpreted as a relationship discussion when you asked about "monogamy".

First of all, you need to develop a relationship first if you expect sexual relations to be exclusive. Secondly, she didn't say these things were deal breakers, just things that concerned her.

u r looking too hard coughlin... and too young again.
it hasn't been all that long since you were on here about another younger woman....

still sounds to me like it is too soon for you to be dating or looking at relationships. still sounds to me like you are not healthy enough to and not looking at healthy relationship possibilities. i am seeing many similarities with this woman as the last woman. she is young, of course she is not going to want to date exclusively.

once again dear, you need to be looking more into your age range, like 32 and higher, to find healthy and closer to your goals and mind set and life experience. if you keep going for these younger women you are going to keep running into the same issues.

you keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

mlhb

A 26 year old woman is NOT (too) young to settle down and have family.
I don't understand you guys - I know some women they were mature and good wives/mothers at even younger than 26 age!
(And some of them they are 35+ and good for nothing but just "fun")

I.e. I believe he can find a woman for him the age he prefers (younger 10+ years than him). It just looks he's looking for her in wrong places...

Coughlin, that response of her (to me) means - she's not so much into you; she likes you but not enough for what you'd like to have with her...

B2M, I think people came out of the gate in such a strong way because Coughlin has said much of this before concerning another person. The situation sounds similar as does the her lack of the same level of interest he has.

Gotta admit, when I read this thread I thought, geez, here we go again. I'm also of the opinion he ought to look for either women his own age or find women who actually do want a LTR. Something he can do before investing in the person.

just going from my personal experience belonging, and from what i have personally seen over and over again.

i was 25 when i got married and in hindsight i was so young! i was so not ready maturity wise for that responsibility and commitment. i was impulsive and made a huge mistake. the older i get, the more i think that the longer one waits to get married the better.

do i think 26 is too young? not necessarily for everyone however i do think the age difference is a factor. less than 50% of the time i have seen relationships with huge age differences work out. the difference in experience and expectations,etc, eventually catch up to you.

does it work some of the time? sure. my dad remarried someone who is only 11 years older than me, and my mom remarried someone 17 years younger than she is. and they have both been happily married for many years.

but this is coughlin who unfortunately does not look for or find healthy younger women. if i were 26 i would not have any interest in a 36 year old. i find myself more interested i someone with the same life experience. i have nothing in common with someone that much older than i am.

just my 2 cents.
she sounds like a typical 26 year old, want to date around and experience life. nothing against her, most 20 somethings are going to be like that. that is why i feel if coughlin wants what he is looking for, ltr, commitment, exclusivity, he is MORE likely to find that with someone his own age. i think that girls concerns and feelings are very valid and she will be better off continuing to date in her age range where she doesn't have to worry about exclusivity yet.

mlhb

Coughlin,

I don't know where you are finding these younger women.It's a trend with you that isn't panning out so great.

And you sound contradictory too.You don't want exclusivity but yet you talk about monogamy? So it's ok to date around but only just have sex with you? Sounds a bit messed up to me,emotionally.

I was 25 when I got married and I was then a very mature person,maybe for my age.My then H was also the same age,not 10 years older.I had my children relatively young too so I am not sure the concern is with the age of this latest woman but with the age difference again.And because of that she is uncomfortable with you being married before.

Why would you be freaked out after only a few weeks? And how can she be only vested in you? Sex for women largely means you get the whole package,not just the sex part.

I think what's the point of dating if you feel fine only having sex with a woman and it's also ok for her to be out dating other guys at the same time and vice versa.How can that go anywhere? Sometimes I wonder about you coughlin.....

I think one reason I addressed her age is that there seems to be a recurring theme of much younger women who are less than comfortable with Coughlin’s age and marital status. In addition, for sociologists generations are define now in terms of ten years. In other words, someone who is ten years older or younger will have different cultural reference points and experiences. Often, they have different mores, too. In my own experience, these cultural differences were enhanced over time, not lessened. However, there can also be a power inequity in the relationship when there is a large age difference. Not always, but often enough.

I agree about the power thing.My Mom is 7 years younger than my Dad.At the time she married though,she was only 21.She was very naive and inexperienced and was under the impression my Dad,being so much "wiser",would "teach/guide" her along,show her what married life was like and take care of her (promises,promises).

Long story short it was not a happy life for her at all.They have been D'd a long time now and there is still some resentment on both sides,that,lucky me,I still get to witness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My Mom never really had her independence until after the D.She's a lot happier since.

Oh, I hear you.

Coughlin, if you come on here and say you have met a fabulous 27 year old who has no problem with your age, and brings her own deep understanding of relationships, then I'll sing a different tune.

My XWH is 41 and tends to date younger women (anywhere from 19 to 28) because it makes him feel young. He also mentioned that younger women are more easily impressed, they expect the older men to wine and dine them. Many younger women prefer to date older men because the are financially stable, versus men in the mid 20's.

I stayed off because I think Coughlin has his own issues to deal with before he dates seriously.

When I was 25 I dated a 40 year PhD who was worldly, intelligent, a fantastic skier and of my faith, yet I was too intimated to continue dating him. Big mistake on my part. I could be living abroad and traveling constantly. And, no MIL or FIL to deal with. I sometimes wonder what happened to him!

I am 38 and find that I tend to gravitate towards men 5-10 years older. I think this has more to do with life experiences. I had my DD young and find I don't have much in common with men my age that are often wanting to start a family. I've recently started dating a guy that's 47. My rule is that I won't date anyone that is closer in age to my DD or parents than myself.

I agree with newly and think this has more to do with issues that Coughlin needs to deal with than the age difference.

I thought I would ask her what she thought of monogamy while at the same time assuring her that I was not looking for an exclusive/serious relationship discussion just monogamy in dating.

What is it that you are looking for then? An exclusive/NOT serious relationship? Or a NOT exclusive/serious relationship?

Surely you can see how moronic that sounds.

Exclusive IS monogamy in my book.

committed

I agree that age difference might impact 'quality' of a relationship, BUT - Coughlin's problem is not choosing a younger ('10+') woman, but being attracted to - such 'character flow' of a woman he keeps dating (which the one can find it in a woman no matter her age...).

Much to think about this (why is this so, what this tells about - you, should you change it or you can be happy with it...), Coughlin.
That, in addition to some of your own (unresolved yet) post-divorced issues that you have to work out, by and with(in) - yourself.

belonging, i agree 100 percent with that post. and i think that is exactly how many of us feel that posted, we just did not word it that way...

mlhb

Hi Everyone, I was surprised to see so many responses as I checked the board this morning. I know it sounds like I was asking to be exclusive but I really wasn't trying to. I guess I have this idea that if she is having sex with other guys while she's having sex with me in the beginning of our dating relationship then who's to say that she would ever want to be exclusive and why would I want to try to make this work. Does that make sense?

I mean, isn't a bad start to any relationship to be having sex with more than one person? It feels like a competition. I don't know. I really have come a long way since my last relationship and the reason why I tend to date people younger than me is that they have the same mindset about having fun and building a relationship slowly, maybe not sexually, but their is no hidden agenda. With most of the women my age (from my personal experience only-don't hate me for this) they ae on the fast track to wanting to get married and have children. To me, that almost feels like I'm just a means to an end. I'd rather find someone who want to be with me, for me.

All your points are valid and I know that having sex early on in a relationship complicates things but in some ways it makes things more real and less like a game. There are no rules to dating. Anone that thinks that there are is playing a game.

Coughlin,

This is one of the most immature, most misguided things I have read lately.

Sex does not make a relationship more "real". It provides a sense of false intimacy. Nothing real about that.

Sex was meant to be a sacred act between two people in a committed relationship. An act which celebrates the very sacredness of the relationship itself.

You will continue to be attracted to women of the same intellectual/emotional place as you reside, and likewise be turned off by women who have grown beyond such a teenage mentality.

Please, keep your zipper zipped until you have something of value to offer another, and she accepts that offering by committing to you...exclusively.

Coughlin,
I'm not an elegant or insightful writer, but as a 28-yr old woman, I will try to give you some helpful advice.

Slow down. Seriously consider, for yourself, just not dating for a while. Pick a hobby, skill, sport, trait, habit, friendship, whatever that you would like to learn/improve/make better and focus on that for the next couple months. Consider taking inventory on yourself - what would make you a better person? Then focus on achieving that goal. Build a happier, better life and "you." Then think about adding someone into that mix.

When you do look to date someone, same advice--slow down. Ok, you meet someone you are attracted to, try doing things in this order--not as a game, but as a way to avoid hurt, crazy relationships, and wasting your time.
--no matter how attracted you are to her, spend some time just getting to know her as a person & decide if she can offer what you need
--date others (or at least keep busy with your regular life), and expect her to as well, during this getting to know you process; it's not less real, just fun, no pressure, no expectations
--if you've spent some time getting to know her and if you like her enough to move on to the next step, then you can tell her how you feel and see if she's willing to be exclusive
--once you've agreed to be exclusive, then it's a personal decision about the level of intimacy

On a separate note, I think the posters are correct in that certain personality traits can exist regardless of one's age, so focus on those traits. However, I also think that certain traits/behaviors/issues/problems/etc. are more likely to occur when someone is in his/her 20s. I read an article that the brain is not fully mature until, on average, 25 for women and a little later for men. (!) Think about that.

Also, think about why you are so flattered when a younger women is attracted to you. Get that confidence/ego boost from your own life/accomplishments not from an outside person.

I've learned so much from these boards (and I'm still learning). I wish I could return the favor and give advice back, but I'm really a math geek, so I hope my words don't sound harsh.

Thanks