My marriage is just about over. My wife formed a close friendship with a woman who had just lost her husband, I actually invited her to our home. Over time, their relationship eclipsed our marriage. It seemed she was only interested in life as long as it related to this woman,
It is a tradgedy, we have eight children. She celebrated our last son's birth with this woman, and seemed disinterested in me visiting the hospitol. They are both committted, bible verse quoting people. My wife told me this woman loved her, and I did not. She was only interested in sex when she had spent time with her. She sees me as controlling, but in comparison to this woman, it doesn't make sense, she is obsessively controlling and protective of her life and time, my control was trying to maintain order and direction for a large, homeschooling family, I easily made concessions, and no one actually listened to me in reality.
I used to tell her she should reach out to other woman, I felt I couldn't be everything, or she seemed down. I understand she had many children, I always felt I went through it with her, but had to motivate the family to keep going as well.
For most of our marriage, she seemed equipped for our lifestyle, and expressed her sense of being blessed. We chose to have each child with a sense of faith. Things were a struggle, but resources expanded with the growth. As time went on , I valued and appreciated my wife more and more, and preferred her and my family's company to anything.
Later, she would refer to her time mothering to it's value in daycare costs, pick the side of people who were obviously ripping us off, (renters who were Christians) , and acting like a visitor in her own home, recieving frequent intimate letters from this woman. One letter expressed the idea that their friendship was "coming to completion". What does that mean? Photos of them together seem to beam with a beautiful sense of knowing each other, to me they look like a married couple. I have no pictures of us in that time period.
It seems she baited me with comments in arguments to overwhelm me, and then used my reactions to eventually justify leaving and painting me the type of person who needed to be left, but if your losing your wife, your bound to eventually have harsh reactions. My intention was always to restore our relationship. This woman used to call each morning for prayer, encouragement, talking often to both of us. Eventually, I felt, I needed to get this, and give this to my wife, and felt intruded upon. We'd been involved with controlling people in the past. I tried to use whatever persuasion I could to keep our lives from being overrun, and my personal feelings. Over five years, my wife has expressed no remembrance of thousands of exchanges of sincere affection, family times and abondoned our vision for our family.
At the advice of articles on this site, I gave her her space, she found her own place, and is celebrating her new perogative in life.
Recently, after 2 years, I thought I heard a different tone in her voice as she suddenly seemed understanding, asking if I could take the kids. I fantasized she was going to a counselor. Later I found out she was going to celebrate this woman's birthday.
I was completly wrapped up in deep love for my family, and was run down with fatigue from living week to week most of our marriage in my own business. We've been physically separted for 2 years, no communication. I've driven thousands of miles trying to get a grip on the anxiety of having no control of being able to protect the emotional lives of our children.
My wife used many ways of invalidating me to accomplish creating the distance between us, she insisted on a wrong interpretation of my feelings, compared me to my father, called me retarded. I would attend church and she would ignore me and give attention to this woman. I could go on...I need help understanding and getting on with life, it seems insane that this has happened, that generations will be affected. The pattern for marriage and family is something I cannot let go of, and think if it were honored, we could return to it. Usually we took some degree of mutual blame in resolving arguments. When this woman came along, she was now " the righteousness fo God" implying I was not part of the club, no more need to aplogize. I don't believe salvation is exclusive, just another way of invalidating me.
I thing she would provoke bravado in me, I was needing of affirmation from her, she would mention other men having influence on ,my kids, but never a word about my relationship with them.
Any way, I can write more, the abandoment has scarred me deeply. She left me and she has the children, is living a Christian lifestye, and is celebrating "life"

Not sure I can follow this very well. I suggest more paragraphs and structure around a timeline from beginning to the present. Put more space btween paragraphs and sentences - easier on the eyes.

Read the story a couple of times and still cant follow it right.

Sounds like a very chaotic and an emotioal situation. So what have you done so far ?

How long has this scenario been going on?

Have you exposed to family and friends?

Is the w hving a affair or just walking away from the marriage?

Sounds like some far off cult - or am I reading this wrong?
How is she supporting 8 kids ?

What are the ages? Do you get to see your kids? Are they located close or far?

Sounds like an emotional affair at the very least. This woman is meeting some needs that you weren't. Try reading about emotional needs here. Was there anything that your wife complained about before this woman came on the scene?

She obviously was experiencing post partum depression, but I had the intentions and desire to "be there" for her.
The relationship with the other woman hit me like an affair, the obsessive way she went about it. She came alive to her, it seemes like she was being nice and suddenly doing things that mattered to me to cover up the strong feelings she was having.

I think maybe I'd felt somthing intimately with her that she wasn't quite there, so on some level this woman was setting me off, I wasn't comfortable with them being together, they were infatuated with each other. My wife was even picking up her speech patterns?? Late night phone calls in a hushed tone. It was creeping me out.

They are pentecostal.
The kids are with her, she had left after an argument, and went to stay with the woman, I went to work, she returned and had not seen the youngest boyst for 2 day. When I called and found she'd come home, I knew she'd leave if I came home, so I didn't. I wanted my family together. Then she took the kids and I didn't know where. I'd had some protective and somewhat agressive responses through this ordeal, I saw our family falling apart. I was pissed. I'm sure she felt threatened. I had been going through depression, some type of fatigue. Maybe I wasn't Mr. Personality. I was working my butt off, and our lifestyle was about homeschooling, feeding kids. It used to be more than enough, full of wonderful experiences and interactions. I knew I was struggling with depression also. so I'm sure it was a volitile mix. This woman came along and the two of them lived for one another, the interpretation of me and family changed, this was all that mattered. I guess I was needing her more than any other time in our marriage, instead I got kicked to the curb.

I am paying most of the child support, which with the way my business runs, I don't get paid weekly, larger sums spread apart. She knows this, but won't tell domestic relations. On top of everything, I end up risking contempt for more sitiuations beyond my control.Once this was an empathetic wife, now she could care less, and acts like a victim. I guess I have a pretty bad reaction to being abandoned, especially wth all the responsibilty, and having the emotional lives of eight kids a stake.

She's on her own now, I went to counseling, but they made it individual. It seems she just wanted me to admit I was this controlling person, and she just needed this friend. It would have been so simple, if she had said at one point, hey, this is a friend, your the most important person to me. Instead it was this abandonment. I guess I was there for her and wanted things right, she want to find what was wrong and justify a new lifestyle. Our kids thrived with the environment we had made for them, I think they've done well through this because of what was put in them. They are in public school now, I'm at my mothers.

She's gone on to say we have nothing in common, she's thought about it and she doesn't want anything from me,(besides support of course).

I guess my big offense is she seemed like one type of person, that would ask you to make decisions, and then she gets with this woman, and need to re-write the history of our marriage to justify her new direction, and I'm her first experiment in exercising a new perogative. I always felt we'd find freedom by mastering our responsibilities, I had now need to escape. It's very similar to the behavior of a woman to man affair, as far as I've read, saying things like "she love me and you don't", the appeal of the new relationship casts a shadow on the existing one.

Did you read my response? This IS an affair. The other woman is meeting emotional needs that you aren't. You need to figure out what those needs are, and meet them. Affairs never last, so I am very hopeful, IF you can make some changes.

She has no need, she's set up her life so she has little contact with me, takes every opportunity to make this look like she had to do this. I've tried to give it time, my kids are growing up and gettng ready for college. She's more and more involved with woman who seem to want to do anything but live in the shadow of anything male. I've been pretty alone for five years, and I'd like to either be with the wife I married, or find someone who likes boys.
My anger and depression has affected my health, I'm even more run down than I was when this all started. It's tempting to just call it quits. She has an attitude like it 's was my fault, I can deal with faults, abandonment is something else. I feel like I was murdered. Like Uriah in the bible, they pulled back support of him so the enemy got him, so David could have his affair with Bathsheba.

Please, HR, hear what believer is saying...your wife is wayward...she's having an A.

In marriage, when someone puts a third-party ahead of their partner, that's an affair.

Welcome to MB...a GREAT place to save your marriage, end affairs and gain a lot of knowledge...

If you continue to act your urge to escape, you're being wayward, also.

Wayward state of mind (see if this fits): Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

Very human...very hurtful. Terrible pain. You are NOT being abandoned...your WW is escaping into fantasy, not reality. You're real. You are her husband. We have plans here...Plan A and Plan B...read up on them...read the basic concepts, about Love Busters (LBs) and Emotional Needs (ENs)...form your plan...move back in your house...you're not committing adultery...when you put escape ahead of your marriage, you are.

Your WW is in a fog...comes from entitlement thinking...she needs you to be her husband and bring reality...which begins with respect, acknowledgment, truth of actions and exposure, which is sharing truth with others.

You don't leave your children...you stay for them. There is freedom from knowing and acting on our real responsibilities, knowing our human limits and power. Know YOURS...take your focus off of all her reactions, defining you, and center yourself in your own responsibility.

Wayward state of mind is genderless...read the formula again.

You cannot be kicked to the curb unless you choose to...you can get choose to allow fantasy to take over your life...believing your WW defines what's real and what isn't. Your choice. Remains within your power. Many here have been where you are...the elements remain the same. Read to know...learn how to listen and repeat...set your goal to save your marriage and set your intent to bring reality.

She can perceive things differently than you...doesn't invalidate what you believe. She can not make reality different...she's having an A, up to you to know and understand this and to expose the A for what it is...

This is a long-term affair...an LTA. Do a search for threads about it...PW1 has a great thread. By giving it time, without exposure or truth, it thrives in secrecy. Your kids are old enough to understand.

Rule #1 of Plan A (IMO) is authenticity. You are responsible for your own depression...for counseling, reading, prescriptions if necessary. You can do this. You feel massive pain from betrayal...and a LOT from self-betrayal. You are your own cause, control and cure.

We have all been through this...fighting not to be made the bad guy...when in reality, we weren't...and acting as if we could be made gave away all our power. In God's design, you cannot be the cause, control or cure for others...only you. Your WW has limited your influence...that doesn't mean you don't have any. Just means you're using it up to fight the wrong battles.

You have an army of support here...we do battle with infidels...of infidelity. What you feel is valid...acting from your pain will give you more pain down the road...this is where growth lays in wait...take it.

You can do this. You are capable, whole and complete. You are not alone. Keep posting and reading...get "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. Will help immensely.

And get to know that your wife is not your WW (wayward wife)...one loves you...the other doesn't feel loved...she's an alien...do not fight with an alien...get to know what the fog is, where it comes from, and learn to speak your truth, discern the truth.

You really can do this.

LA

I think to answer your advice, I don't know how I was not meeting her needs.
I thought I was a kind person, I expressed my infatuation with her, we'd walk past each other and she'd be offended if I didn' t kiss her. If I drifted off in thought, she'd say, you seem distant.... I think that's fidelity. I shared my plans with her. Then there's times her mood would change, one day you're a hero, the next, something's wrong, she compares you to somebody else, I think she had self-esteem issues. As an artist, I would get postive feedback from customers, but it was all for my family, but she interpreted that as me being full of myself, but I'd paid a price to get there. I think on this site they discuss how woman can feel oppressed indirectly by not having there perogative, as a man you think, I made this effort and sacrifice, and she is jealous of what she percieves as you "reailizing yourself" professionally, and other woman don't affirm a mother committed to child rearing, any way, something changed, and she said often " I'm not going back". So maybe there was something unexpressed all along, and it surfaced, and swallowed everything, I just can't understand it. Our family was precious. I blame the woman's movements to a degree, even in the church. I'll blame myself, I don't know how I could not have been angry, we were close, and it was taken away.

lovinganyway...

thanks, I've needed to hear something like that for a looooooong time.
Just because she didn't feel loved didn't mean I didn't love her. I believed there must be something defective in me when she went that route, it crushed me more and more as I dealt with the consequences.

good advice for spending energy, etc....

I'll give all that some serious looking into.

Thanks everybody for the input! Just hearing it is an affair brings clarity, as it was with a woman and a Christian, and I don't believe physical, but touchy, with these long held hugs...

The other woman was abused when she was younger, and lost some childern near term, and had lost her husband. Someone who you'd feel was a strong Christian and even inspiring if she hadn't stolen you wife. I've never been able to acutally say, "I don't want you to see her, or you can't see her." She has many sensitive and positve qualities. It's this personality that has my wife so "turned on" and turned away from me. Maybe if I go get myself martyred, she'll like me again.(jk) In reality, I don't think we shoud be the judge of our spouses spirtuality. I'd be on my knees about this constantly, and still seen as inadequate. That's when I realized I was being made to look a certain way to justify her need for this woman.

Glad you're kidding about the martyred thing...you can state if you feel like one...and not act from it.

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What we go here is for clarity...to react is to continue enmeshment and downward spirals...clarity is the antidote.

I'm very much with you on not judging...you said spiritually...I believe in all ways. Spiritual abuse is real...not talked about much. Your prayers are not inadequate, what they may be is misdirected.

Your focus is all in her...not you, in your own power. This happens. We aren't taught to share our stuff...we're taught to control our stuff. Tends to decimate ourselves...so we see our partners as completing us, not us as two whole individuals, growing side by side, knowing and being known intimately.

Not too late.

Include in your prayers your desire for clarity, hers and yours. That's where strength, honor and truth dwell.

Don't get enwrapped in her stuff...that break through with knowing you can't make her feel loved is crucial. Doesn't mean you don't. God's design gave humans the power to choose their thoughts, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives (expectations, desires and wants). Their feelings are signals to them from those very things.

Begin understanding you are two complete, whole and marvelously made equal humans...loved by God, made for each other and for him. Choose to have faith in repair and reconciliation. You are her husband.

Read up on LBs...knowing what they are changed my life and my relationships...especially with God.

You're not nuts to feel like you're defective...you are nuts to choose to believe God made junk. He didn't. He doesn't. And you're disrespectful to entertain the idea she is.

Or anyone.

I hope you really will look into understanding relationships...because you're half of every single one you have.

Here's my list of wonder books...

Healing The Shame That Binds Us by John Bradshaw
Between Parent and Child by Eincott
Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend
His Needs, Her Needs by Harley

Know your choices...you chose not to say, "I don't want you to see her." God's respect for you is pure choice. A lot of feeling done to, run over and manipulated lies within not acknowledging your own choices. Not to bash or blame...you don't have the power to control others. They choose. Know your choice to really see, feel and taste your human power, embrace your human limits...so you can see clearly, and hand back, hers.

That's self-respect and ownership.

To help you develop a plan, call the Harleys for counseling. Talk about clarity...

Please keep posting. The feeling of being overwhelmed, lost and crazy goes away...posts are sharing your truth, your insights, your struggles...holds you to highest honesty, which is necessary for clarity...and aids others. We always do, when we share.

LA