i have filed pfa against my husband (extremely overwhelmed right now)and am filing for divorce. He has also filed a pfa against me in retaliation... claiming it was ME that was the abuser... I am just totally out of my mind right now... nobody would take my case on such short notice.. and i was told at the abuse center that my case wasn't up to standards to have someone there represent me... isn't abuse ABUSE? I know that i may be living in fear of what will happen next and my case may not be as bad as the battered wives/husbands that need it more... but how can they turn down my case for legal representation.. i was being ABUSED mentally.. and verbally.....
my boss helped me out this morning and told me that our company has an employee assistance program.... i was able to attain a laywer and i received 25% off his fees... PLEASE look into this at your place of employment if you are in need.. there are many many many availabilites to this program.. i will also receive 5 free psychological sessions for the mental health program....
but i still have this underlying question... do i want to stay???? i love him with my entire heart... but i cannot face the continuing abuse....
any advice?

OF COURSE you can stay here.

I personally am a Lifer, I think.

There are others who have been around even longer than me.

So, fill us in on what happened that you need an emergency pfa. What is a PFA, btw?

a pfa is a protection from abuse... we had a big blowout this weekend and my brother came over to TALK with my husband... well, the police were called and i was afraid of the ****** i may go through after everyone left.. so i applied for one... the police suggested it... well, in turn my husband filed one against me in retaliation...
the attorney i have is suggesting a cooling off period of 90 days.. the pfa will still be in effect... and i can make my decision before the time is up... but i'm so unsure.. i want out in the worst way... but i also want to try to make things work... it will be hard and it will take TIME... this is one of the toughest decisions i've ever had to make..

So, has your h moved out of the house? What’s the sitch?

he was removed from my house by the police...
i'm not sure what the stitch is... i can't figure it out.. maybe it's part of the mental abuse... that i'm trying to break free from.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How are you doing? Okay?

i'm doing ok.... thank god i had a lawyer yesterday... it worked to H's advantage too... we agreed to a 4 month pfa.. and in that time my H will sign for a no-fault divorce. If he does not grant this to me by june 14 (rescheduled court date) then i will file for the 3 year pfa... and i will be divorced in 2 years because he will not agree and after 2 years it is granted... i'm very upset about losing him in some ways... i cry myself to sleep every nite...
he even looked at me in the courtroom and whispered "call me"... i whispered back.. "no"... it took all i had to not call him... but with the pfa in effect, NO CONTACT is allowed or there is jail time involved... i don't want any tricks from him to get me into trouble... yet he looked so said and sincere.. he had NO idea i was going to hit him with a divorce yesterday... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
i just have to keep thinking the way my family tells me... i'm beautiful, STILL young.. and have the rest of my happy life ahead of me....
but part of me still wants him back... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

HUGS!!!

Just remember... YOu want the "nice" part back. But, that is the trap in an abusive situation.

thanks for the HUGS i need them right now... i'm at my desk ready to fall apart <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> i will be home alone this weekend too... my kids are with their dad.... so, it will be tough to get through.... but i have a great supportive family and i'm hoping the my sister can have her husband watch the baby and come for a sleepover <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> haha.. we are in our 30's and still have sleepovers.. it's great bonding...

i am soooooo confused right now.. i know what is best for me and my kids, but i am hurting sooooo badly... i want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him how much i miss him.... but legally i can't!!! i just wish he would have agreed to the next level of counseling.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> i feel like i will never overcome this feeling of loss i have right now...

So you asked for "help" and the "system" took over, and you can't make decisions for yourself anymore. This is how "they" vicitimize the victim to a certain degree. You now can't think for yourself because you are a victim. They are giving you a cooling off period because most couples move back together and according to the system this isn't good, so they are "helping" you.

Yes you have to decide if you are going to divorce him immediately. You don't have to. But if you want more rights in terms of the kids, etc. it's best to do it now with this over our heads. Plus we as women are natural nurturers and even if he's in trouble that he deserved, we feel bad and want to "help."

It's best if you do what the "system" tells you to or your children can wind up in social services at the very least. You say your kids are with him and that's being allowed but no contact between you? You don't have any idea how much "they" can take over your life. So if you can, hire a counselor, get assistantance and try to keep the government out of it as much as possible, try not to argue with them or things will get worse.

Knowledge is power and there is help out there. Contact your domestic violence group in town, there should be free counselors. If you are in a bigger city they won't "tell" you to divorce your husband, they'll help guide you through the process of deciding for yourself what is best. There are some very good books out there on domestic violence and controlling people, go to the library check them out now so you can read and learn about what you are going through. There are trends, and statistics about this - the worst is that once violence has started rarely does it discontinue... these things go on and on and on.

Get some exercise, try to eat right, do yoga, whatever it takes to try to get centered and through this crisis. You are in crisis mode. Get support from friends and family, people who will just listen. This will be insane to a lot of them if they've never been in a situation like this - they won't understand why you'd even want to go back. Most women do want to keep their marriages after violence, they just want the fighting to end. You have children together and you've seen the good in this man. Not just the bad.

It is true that if you could have agreed to counseling before the system took over it would have been best, but that is the past. Now you are in the middle of this mess (I once was too) and it's going to consume you for a long time. You can slowly get your life back, step by step, try to go in the right direction - the high road - up and not down.

no no no .. my kids were with their dad (i should have specified that)... the kids are not my husbands... they are from a previous relationship.. so, the kids issue is not what i need to deal with .. thank god...
I am a mess right now just trying to keep my head on straight... i told my sister this morning that i wanted to call him so badly and she reminded me of all the bad things that have happened... but i dismiss that and think of the good... i am waiting for my counselor to call me back (the one i used with my husband) and i am hoping he'll take me even though my husband is still his patient as well (atleast for his sake i hope he's still a patient)..
i am trying to get there.. and i know it will take time... i just need to believe in myself and KNOW that i do not want to live a life of abuse...
How is it that these men can move on so quickly...? it makes me feel like i was worthless....

i need a BIG HUG right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{maria}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hows that to start?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there.You have to get thru the withdrawal and the ending of things and that is one tough time to survive.There is a better life for you out there.





No you're not worhtless at all.They are just messed up.Who cares if they "move on" quickly.It just means they are adept at avoiding conflict.It will affect them later on or,they will just keep living as is,which isn't so grand.

I had someone at church once say to keep a list of everything "he" did wrong by the phone. He hit me, he shoved me, he cheated, you name it... and it's good to have a list of excuses to hang up when he calls you, something in the kitchen is burning, the kid needs help, the dryer is done, whatever. Monotone voice. Goodbye.

There's a good domestic violence book I read at the library lately and it's really good. I wish I could tell you the name of it. It has ideas to help with healing and how to get through this. There's a number of them.

It's a conflict of interest for you and your husband to see the same counselor separately that you saw while married unless it's a very, very good counselor - which most aren't in my humble opinion. Counselors are typically wary once someone has been involved in a reported incident of violence, they can get in trouble ethically counseling you in a way that encourages you in any way to stay together. You likely need your own counselor and he needs his own at this point. Most will say when there's violence marriage counseling doesn't work. You both have issues to work on separately, obviously.

i spoke with the counselor last night... he agreed that i should see someone else... but he would recommend someone in the same practice... i felt much better after talking to him...
i do need to start doing some self-research on the affects of abuse... because i am NOT dealing with it very well right now... i cry myself to sleep every nite.. missing him.... and then i ask why...??? and i can't figure it out... so, i know i made the right decisions... for me and my children...
you're right about him moving on so quickly... this pattern will continue to follow him....
and my pattern will follow me.... i will take the time to heal.. as i have done in the past... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
THank you so very much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BTW.... Thanks sooooooo much for that hug!!! it felt great!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't you have a domestic violence agency in your area? They have trained counselors you can call at any time. If you don't use your cell and call one out of your area in the evenings. I was like this and called them often. I thought they were quite biased though at the time as I like most women dreamed that I could work the marriage out. I was a real wreck and still am sometimes. My ex really smashed me around over and over again. Since he never "hit" me and only pushed, shoved and grabbed he still doesn't think he did anything wrong. Now and then I'll pick up a domestic violence book at the library and speed read just to remind myself of how absurd all of this was and is.

Other good books are by Pat Evans about Contolling People and the Verbally Abusive Relationship, she has some good ideas too and helps you to understand some of this "abnormal" stuff going on. I believe knowledge is power but I'm a book geek. However talking to those live counselors when you have these moments of stress and anxiety really helps, they are free and will let you go on and on about the same thing over and over again.

More on the subject of course is about self esteem issues, and how to improve yours. People will say your self esteem might be low but I had counselors said that if I really knew my ex was like this I wouldn't have married him. Abusive men dont' show you "this" when you are dating them, since I have access to my ex's emails that I need to stop reading I can see how "good" and believable all his lies to the bimbo he's calling and emailing are. We aren't stupid, but we get emotionally wrapped up in warped situations and we as women are nurturers taught in ways by our society to stand by our men and to try to make things work, we blame ourselves more then anything even when a man hurts us. It's a strange and complex issue, I of course never thought I'd be in the middle of.

Journaling is really healthy. Writing down your feelings when you hit this mode of being so upset. There's something about the writing process, including on this board that's helpful in healing. Some of the abuse issues can help you go back and recognize patterns not just with this man, but in your life as a whole, issues you can work on. And you can develop a "plan" on what to say to him when you do contact him, or he contacts you. He'll likely want to get back together again - without the work in making things different in your marriage - and if you go back it'll be what it was without counseling or help. You can have a plan and stand firm that you are not going back to an abusive relationship and you wont' have your kids exposed to this any longer. Period. If he goes to classes, counseling and proves things have changed you might reconsider - but not now. Period. Guys like this don't deserve second chances at least immediately - they need to hit a bottom, look at themselves and realize how they wronged you - and he's not going to do that if you call him, chat with him and take him back. A lot of these guys won't change, the ones that have hurt women, the domestic counselors will say it's less then 10% even with violence courses and it's because these men are doing the "poor me" thing and don't look at themselves to begin with, which of course is required to change. And you are going to need serious change here.

Best wishes and hugs

Thanks horsey.... i am heading to the bookstore today to get some books.. i do love reading especially when i'm alone... which now, will be every other weekend...
i have always been a strong and big hearted woman.. and i'm still trying to figure out how i got myself into this mess... but i'm also glad that i was strong enough (with the help of my family) to get out so soon... You're right about them changing... they won't change until they hit rock bottom... that's when they're ready for help... when they ask for it... i made my husband go to counseling... he admitted that it was helping him.. but i still felt he was going to prove to me that he was GOING... but now it's in his court.. he can improve himself for his future... it's HIS decision...
but i've made the decision to better my life... get back to where i used to be... happy... and have my family and friends back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just wanted to check on you today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope that you are doing okay!

Keep your head up...hope you plan to keep busy this weekend!

I met a retired counselor at Starbucks last month and got to chatting about these very issues. In his over 30 years of working with abusive and alcohol men, he said that you can't FORCE a man to go to counseling and change. It won't work, it simply wont. I did the same with my husband, I think he just learned how to "use" counseling in his favor, he'd pick and pull out a few things counselors would say... and wouldn't listen to the rest, or make changes in himself. The counselor said it's like these men have a "hole in their soul" and nothing works until they have some sort of wake up call, and yes usually it's that hitting rock bottom. We women don't mean to enable men like this, but we want to help... we want to see change. If we are mostly "normal" then we don't understand the need to self destruct and hurt, we don't really understand it, or the dynamics but a counselor who's seen this over and over does. Yes we women tied up in this muck usually have some of our own problems - and I encourage you to do some exploring with a counselor, or some reading. However I think women just get drawn into bad situations and as someone said, the disfunction becomes normal. One way to make sure you realize how "abnormal" this is, is to surround yourself with good people, through church, health club, whatever... get some reality here even if you want to be depressed. Talk about it, be open with people, your old friends just might help you out and make you realize what you were before htis man. Everyone said I changed so much, there's some isolation involved in these types of relationships - so don't isolate yourself here ok? Get some help and support. I hope you learn from the books - I like to read too - some of those books I bought and keep locked up, I go reread them now and then when I'm feeling bad or disfunctional just to remind me of the dynamics... it's all so sad and hard to deal with. We can all take one day at a time, I just hope you move on quicker then me, I've drug this on forever....