It was recommended to me to write a letter to my husband (following a book entitled Respect & Love to let him know that I do respect him and in what ways. As a BH, is this a letter you would want to receive? If so, how would you like it presented to you? If not, why?

Well, yes I WOULD want to receive it. Realize that an affair totally devestates a BS's sense of self-esteem, and a host of other things as well.

I think that if you feel that way about your H, writing it so that he can read it and see it...ALONG with SHOWING him that in your actions and deeds, can go a long ways towards helping your whole situation.

Have you done the EN questionairre? Do you know if admiration is one of your BH's top EN's?

Do you have any brothers or sisters? Do you ever brag about them to other people? Do this about your husband, when he isn't around, and maybe, let him be around but do it in a fashion that maybe appears that you don't know he is there listening. Nothing will boost his ego like you bragging about him.

I'll buy some of that.

I actually put this on my EN questionnaire -- I have a huge need for Admiration and nothing screams "I Admire You" like a wife telling one of her friends that I'm good at xxxx or that I really did a good job on xxxxx.

If it can be done so he doesn't think he's the intended "target", then so much the better.

I think I would like to receive the letter if I felt my wife wasn't doing it "just because the book said to". One thing my wife gave me for Christmas that has given me hope that she may be finally coming around was a scrapbook of things she loves about me. She put countless hours into this, but I think a unique approach to the letter might be a mini-scrapbook. Even if you take pictures of the room he painted or the deck he built or the car/house his income provides or the kids and put them in a book with a short personal message about how thankful you are for him and how this picture reminds you how great he is -- that would be different and potentially more meaningful than a letter.

Just my thought

Blessings

Yes, I would like to receive such a letter.

I like Artor's approach as well.

You really need to *show* your BH that you want him. Words are cheap. Actions speak a lot louder to us BHs... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Yeah, I would like to receive such a letter.

FWW actually wrote such a letter at the end of the LTA. It was beautiful, heartfelt, the most emotionally expressive letter I have ever read. And it sounded like she was describing superman.

It was to OM.

time_for_change,

I love your post and your idea about a letter. But I am humbly going to vehemently disagree with most of the replies you have gotten thus far.

Usually, before I reply to a post, I look and see when that poster registered to this site. It tells me volumes about what stage of recovery they are in or not.

Based on the info you have provided, you are not very far along the full path of R yet. If I am wrong, I truly apolozise. You need to realize that there is a lot more to do than writting a letter to your WH before he begins to feel better about himself and his M to you.

At 2 to 3 mos. after DDay, your BH is damn, damn angry and bitter and resentfull. How could he be anything else?? If you give him this letter, he will chew it up and spit it out in your face.

Disclaimer:: this is my VHO.

How about you write this letter and seal it up and save it for at least a year or so? He will be much more inclined to receive it then, as opposed to now.

I speak as a BH, and I know what I would do with such a letter 2-3 mos after DDay. Maybe that's just me, but I would disagree with others here and caution you to tread with discernment.

If he does as I have said above, how will that affect you and your recovery? Will you feel all is hopeless?

Timing is everthing in this sitch. I simply question your timing.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Dear Time,

I'm a BW.

I wanted to weigh in here on the letter idea.

About two or three months ago, I was feeling very low. It was about the one year anniversary of d-day, combined with the holidays, and his cancer surgery anniversary as well. I was about as low as low can go.

I was thinking of walking away from the whole mess.

I BEGGED FWH to just tell me 3 things he liked about me. Just list 3 things on a sticky note, 3 things that were "okay" about me, that he didn't find "repulsive" or "disgusting" about me (see what I mean about feeling low about myself????).

He was in shock!

I thought it was because I asked him to write it down. So I said, "Could you at least, right now, just NAME ONE THING, so I can hang onto that?"

He wouldn't name one thing. Just shook his head, and remained quiet, with his eyes looking at the floor.

I was devastated.

He left the room, and I cried. He couldn't get past the fact that I thought he didn't love me, didn't think he could find even one thing likeable about me, and that I had disregarded his whole year of efforts to show me his remorse over the affair. That I had ignored his efforts, had not seen his changes, and that he had NO chance to fix things.

I was devastated because I was just so depressed that I was feeling worthless and could not see his side at all.

I thought we were NOT communicating.

But he did hear what I said. I was sitting there focused so much on myself, my pain, my devastation, and FWH was listening - and I thank God for that. I thank my FWH for his ability to see my pain and do what he did.

He went to his computer and started on a list.

He came back about 15 minutes later, and told me that he couldn't write it fast enough to make it "okay" tonight. That he would just have to hold me for now, and dry my tears, but he needed time to think about the list. But that he WOULD write my list. I focused only on the fact that he had to THINK to come up with something he liked about me (you see, I was in so much pain, I still thought he just didn't even like me). I was wrong.

Turns out, the list was not a list at all. It was a love letter with three things he loved about me. Each paragraph started with "I love you because..." and he finished each paragraph with so much more than just a list.

The last sentence said that he had trouble keeping the list to just three items. That he had trouble listing the "top three", because there were so many that could have been the top three. And that anytime I wanted, he would add to the list.

I have not needed him to add to the list.

Because he has been there for me, and has done everything I have needed him to do to help me through this mess.

So yes, write the letter.

And tell him why you love him. Tell him the best things about him - about who he is INSIDE, what he DOES that makes you love him.

Because he needs to know that you see it.

And, because he needs to know that you REMEMBER it.

And because he needs to remember it himself.

And because YOU need to remember it, too.

SB

time for change:

Gotta go with shine through on this one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

If your D-day is as I suppect,
less than 6 months out ...........Don't Do It!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Remember that YOUR time line is Ahead of your H's,
so please give him that time to begin to catch up to you.
Sure,
Your Ready for this type of action.....doubtful he is
(to recieve it).

Its a Great Idea for later on.
However,
right now it will not only seem insincere,
but taken as a direct attack on his already devastated ego and male pride.

His heart will take it almost as a mockery .......like "well if you DID Feel this Way about me,
how could you Do This To Me"??

Believe me he's keeping a list of everything said and done,
and bringing this up to him now will simply force him to compare it to the Huge List he's attempting to wade through and make sense of ---(especially stuff concerning this OM).

He may even accuse you of writing what you Really Believe about the OM,
and are now attempting to Foist off onto him.
I believe this could really happen.
At this point he's doubting just about everything,
especially concerning YOU.

Unfortunately,
at this time .......he ain't trustin much of what your sellin .......so Until you regain at least a portion of that trust ....he's just gonna reject this too.
For his own Self Protection .....he really has no other Choice ......the alternative is just too hurtful at this stage of the journey.

Sure he pokes his head out now and again,
for moments like sex or other good days ....but then he probably retreats just as quickly ....and it tough for you to understand.

Again I agree that :
"If" you are as early out (time line wise) as shine through has mentioned,
your H is in no position (emotionally) to truly "hear" the message your trying to convey.

I believe you may indeed be sincere in your desire to reach him........Sadly he's just NOT ready and your message will only be twisted and warped by the prism your H is currently viewing the world through.

Please keep this great idea handy ........but put it on the back burner UNTIL your H is in a Better Place and will be able to RECIEVE the Gift your trying to give him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I know you mean well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />,
but its true ......that often timing IS EveryThing.

By the way,
(forgot to answer your question ....sorry....silly me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />).

So:
Yes .....I would indeed enjoy such a letter NOW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

However,
keep in mind we are talking 4 yrs later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
I'm in a much different place today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

On the other hand,
Waaaaaay back at the begining...
this would have only fueled my anger and despair . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, thank you, thank you all! I encourage more of you to give your feedback on this!

Some more info on my sitch:

He has forgiven and we are quite amicable.
He is no longer angry - but still feeling betrayed.
His ego is shot ... obviously.
He is planning on leaving when school is over for DD.

I felt that it was important to do something other than what I've been doing to display my respect for the man he is, has been, and will always be. I have followed the Harleys' advice to the nth degree. I have shown with my actions, not my words, my feelings for him, my resolution to repair this M, my love for him. I just felt that it was time for words too. I occasionally leave notes just to say "I love you" or "You are an incredible man, I hope you know that". But I just wanted something longer, more heartfelt than a sticky-note on the bathroom mirror and more than doing/giving.

Admiration is probably his #1 EN, though he hasn't filled out the questionnaire. I believe that I have studied him long enough to know that as a truth.

I hope that more BS will weigh in on this ... looking forward to gaining your insights!

when i discovered my H's A, i threw him out of the house

he begged me to let him come home

i asked him why?

he said because he loved me.

i asked him to tell me what he loved about me. He said "I love it when WE...."

and i stopped him and said "no. what do you love about ME? His list of things was so wonderful! so sweet! things that i didn't even think he noticed....things that were funny, things that were quirky

things that made mesee that he DID love me

he came back home that weekend

after he came home, he wrote be wonderful poems.....my favorite was "the ABC's of loving you" and he somehow found one thing that he loved about me that started with every letter of the alphabet.....imagine that!

and he gave me beautiful cards......all about how much he loved me, that we were best friends, and that he wanted to spend forever with me

one of the cards said "All I want is to love you forever. Will you let me?"

all of this was in the first few months after D-day...

eav ... this is just perfect! I'd thought about an ABC book too, now I think I HAVE to do it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep 'em coming BS ... this is great!

Top Rope When would be a good time for such a letter? You seem to have a pretty good idea of the BH emotional timeline.

TFC

A letter is a good idea, but I think it would be better face to face.

FWW and I attended a marriage workshop shortly after she emerged from the fog (not MB, but FWW did research on her own and suggested the workshop, and I was more than happy to do anything with FWW at the time) and one of the exercises really helped BOTH of us seriously move into recovery. It was called the 'gratitude' exercise, and it is similar to your letter idea.

One spouse remains standing and the other spouse either kneels or sits on the floor in front of the standing spouse to simulate a teacher-pupil role. The 'teacher' spouse does not say a word during the exercise. The 'pupil' spouse maintains constant, direct eye contact with the teacher, and should extend their hands and hold the teacher's hands in an act of supplication. The pupil should then spend the next ten to fifteen minutes stating everything that they are grateful to the teacher spouse for, and why.

Some of the things I heard from FWW were:

"I am grateful that (me - BH) pursued (FWW) when we first met..."

"I am grateful the (BH) is such a caring, attentive father..."

Some of the things FWW said had us both laughing hysterically, and other things said had us both crying. There are a lot of things that all of us are grateful to our spouses for, that we never really communicate to them. Ten to fifteen minutes is a long time, and you can communicate a lot of these things to your BH...face to face...while touching, holding his hands...and it has a dramatic impact.

Everything said, should not be rehearsed, or thought out previously. I think it greater impact when coming off-the-cuff and straight from the heart.

My FWW ended the exercise saying something like "I am eternally grateful that you (BH) were MAN enough, strong enough, strong enough for the both of us, to hold true to our family and values, and to recognize that there was still some goodness in me (FWW) when I was making hurtful choices..."

This was pivotal in our recovery.

Then after one spouse finishes, you switch positions and the other spouse does it.

FWW and I have made this exercise as part of our recovery plan, and we originally planned to do it every week, but then it starts to lose some of its power. Now, I think we will be doing it every few months.

A word of caution though TFC, I think that some of the people on here are correct that it may be too early for you and BH to do something like the letter or gratitude exercie. My FWW and I are only a little ahead of you on the timeline, but I was the spouse that wanted to 'work' on our marriage while FWW was in the fog, but in your case, BH is ready to leave after the school year.

For this exercise to be effective, I think both partners need to be 'present' in the relationship when you do the exercise, so maybe you should wait a while, or at least wait until you and BH are having a somewhat loving, quiet moment like some of the mornings when you said that he is cuddling with you. Just ask him to stand up, look in your eyes and not say anything! Then when it is done, you can explain the mechanics of the exercise...but don't be hurt if he chooses not to reciprocate at this time.

Hope this helps!

Good Luck,

LB

Hmm,

Too early for a spouse to tell their spouse they love things about them? I call hogwash. IF you MEAN what you are saying, and they are words of ENCOURAGEMENT, say it the insant you can. You know what, I don't care if your BS is so wrapped up in their own misery and anger that they can't pull their head outta their...

As Christ is getting whipped/beaten/killed , "father forgive them" ... what do you think that did to fuel their anger?

Words of love are words of love. Who are we to say it's too early or too late for her to tell her husband what she loves about him. If more FWS would take a more aggressive stance on recovery like this, we would see the time frames shrink on recovery.

I am all about shrinking time lines, but am completely willing for it to take as long as possible! I have been so cautious to use my actions, that I thought it was time to start using words AND actions! And of course I would mean it ... it would completely halt recovery to say something and it not be heartfelt and true!

I do think TFC should communicate what she loves about BH to BH, and that is why I suggested the exercise my FWW and I learned.

However, TFC's BH is withdrawing from her, stating that he wants a D, staying out all night, communicating with other women. Sounds like her BH may be in a fog of his own??

The standard Harley advice around here is no R talk during plan A, when a WS is in the fog. It only turns the WS off, pushes them farther away, and comes off as needy or clingy. If TFC's BH is in a fog, then I don't know if this will do any good.

IMHO, TFC should wait for a 'good day' (when her BH is somewhat loving, happy, engaging, etc) to give him the letter, or whatever else she decides to do. TFC knows her BH best, and she should know best when to communicate her love...but I certainly agree with you that words of love should always be expressly communicated.

Time,

I don't know if it matters if it's "early" or "late" in recovery. I think it matters if it's NEEDED by the BS.

Only you really know that.

I really needed the letter. I also needed the face-to-face exercises.

But, whenever I need a boost, I can pull the letter out and look at it again. And the list is there, still from his heart.

I never experienced the feeling of rejecting whatever my FWH said. What I experienced was more the feeling that although he said it, and I knew he meant it, I just couldn't move myself beyond the idea that:

He would not have cheated on me if he had loved me.

This turns out to be an error in thinking on my part. And something that I have had to work through, in order to understand that yes, he could both LOVE ME and CHEAT ON ME, at the very same time.

It is this conflict that makes things so hard. And remains so hard.

My vote is that anything you can do that shows him that you love him, and WHY you love him, can help.

In the end, I always think about things being left unsaid. If he were to walk away tomorrow, would I have wished I had said it?

If my answer is "yes", then I say it.

SB

I am so incredibly jealous.

I would love to get something like that in writing from my WW.