I just found out that my husband has been exchanging sexual notes back and forth with my best friend. Two 1/2 years ago her husband thought that his wife and my husband had an affair they both denied it and I believed them. Come to find out that they did kiss, that is all they admit to but by the notes that I found it sounds like more has happened. The thing is that this couple is our best friends. I do not know what to do. My husband says that he loves me and that he was just infatuated with her. He says that it is over and that they never slept together just kissed. I don't know what to believe anymore because they both lied to me about this when it first came up 2 1/2 years ago and since then. I love my husband and we have a three year old daughter but I don't know if I can believe him or move past this. I don't want anything to do with my so called best friend but her 4 year old son and my 3 year old daughter are great friends and we hang out 3-4 times a week. I need help. Do I just fogive and forget and believe that this has stopped. I think that it only stopped because I found the notes and confronted both of them. This all just happened yesterday so who knows if it has or will stop.

The situation sounds similar to mine. I had an affair with my best friend's wife. The four of us were the closest of friends. Maybe that's not the case, but I'm proof that it could happen. Listen to your hunches and feelings. Snoop and find out. That's about all I can offer.

Welcome Angel,

Sorry that you have to be here.

To start with you and your husband (H) will not be able to see these "friends" anymore period and of story.

You will need to call the other womans (OWH) though and tell him what you found. The two of you will/can work togther that make sure that your H and OW no longer have any contact ever. Keep these talks short and business like - no friends here.

The kids will not be able to play together any more - sorry about this, but the four of you need to separate.

Your H will need some time without contact in order to "come around" and work on your M with you. When that happens you two need to start MC.

I know things look bad right now, but your M is not over and it can be better than ever.

How do I get past this, I feel betrayed, disrespected, ashamed, hurt. We promised each other that we would never hurt the other this way. I just don't understand, things seemed good with us and then I find these notes. How am I going to trust him again, is it possible?

Stick with us, and we will help you through this. Your feelings are perfectly normal. Realize that you don't need to feel ashamed, they do. Call her husband, and let him know, and have no contact ever again with her. Find another play friend for your daughter. It is a shame the kids have to pay for the adults actions, but that is the way it goes.

The OW is a teacher at my daughters daycare, I am going to see her almost everyday because I am the one who drops our daughter off and picks her up.
Do I leave it at what I know now or keep pushing to find out anything else that may have gone on? Does it matter if I get the whole story? The only reason I've gotten anything is because I found undeniable evidence in the notes. Even though my husband says he wants to work things out does he mean it, its not like he stopped this on his own. I am so confused, I don't even know where to start.

I would assume that it has been a physical affair. You can continue trying to find out, but it sounds like your husband is not being honest.

You will need to change your daughter's day care. I know, it sucks. Or you can talk to the director and expose the affair. Maybe she will get fired, but don't count on it.

Show the notes to the woman's husband. That ought to slow down the affair.

Maybe it is better for my daughter and I if I just give up, we can make it on our own just fine. I don't know that I am ever going to be able to forgive him especially if he has slept with her. Why put my daughter or myself through trying to make this work if its not going to?

Don't make any decisions like that right now--if your marriage was good before, then it absolutely won't be the best for your daughter to end it over this. It's way too soon to be thinking that way. What you need to do is make sure the affair is over.

If your husband is committed to your marriage (and he may not be right now) then he should agree to never see OW again. And I agree with believer--you should change your daycare. Does the OW's husband know? If not, you should tell him.

Congratulations on finding this place--you won't find a better resource for getting through this terrible situation. On the other hand, I'm really sorry that you have to be here.

I just don't know that I am strong enough.
Thank you for the advice, I will be back tomorrow.

You're stronger than you realize. The tools for rebuilding your marriage into something better than it was before are here. If you haven't read them yet, go over to the Just Found Out board and read WAT's guide. There is a post on this board by BobPure (toolkit for newly betrayed spouses) that has resources, too.

Hang in there. You can do this.

Go find another day care. Expose her to the daycare. If she can have an A with a 'client' then she is not trustworthy.

What is OW's H doing?

You and your H should call Steve and get a recovery plan going. If your H won't participate, you call Steve.

Read Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs. Find out what both of your ENs (emotional needs) are from 1 - 10.

Learn how to communicate with each other to make your M solid. A lot of trust has been lost and it is up to each of you to do your part in the recovery. Your part will be to improve yourself. His part w/b to earn your trust back and to make him self a valued family member.

JMHO,
L.

Angel--

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Betrayal by both your husband and friend is doubly devastating. I'm sorry you are going through this.

You have found a good resource in the MB website and this forum for questions, support, venting and just talk.

Hang in there.


The trouble all betrayed and wayward spouses face is in the immediate aftermath of D-Day, you don't know if it will work.

You are being driven by emotions, adrenaline and fear. This is not a good time to make a life-altering decision such as divorce.

There were reasons you and your husband married in the first place -- you can find those again.

Your daughter is a good reason to at least give it your best effort.

There are stories of betrayal and recovery all over these message boards -- it can be done! Take hope in that.

It's not an easy road, not a fun process -- but what you can have on the other side of it all -- a restored marriage with a loving mother and father for your daughter -- is well worth the effort.

The advice you've received here is spot on:

--contact the OW's husband and tell him what you know - maybe compare it to what made him think they had an affair years ago -- could be some similarities

--contact the owner of the daycare and tell her you will be removing your daughter and tell her why -- one of her workers was having an affair with one of her clients - your husband

--establish NO CONTACT between your family and OW's family; really stinks for your daughter, but this is something your husband will have to carry around -- not you -- you are doing it for the ultimate protection of your daughter -- to keep her family together

--read, read, read on this site -- all the MB concepts....there are many other good resources to help

--begin Marriage Counseling--either though MB or a local pro-marriage counselor; look into Individual Counseling if you need it



Be strong, Angel.

Blessings

The OWH is mad BUT he is seeing it as something he can use against her for everything he has done wrong, he has been unfaithful to her pretty much throughout their M and she knows it.
My H and I had a long talk last night and he swears up and down that it never went beyond the kiss and that he wants to and is willing to do whatever I want him to to make this work, he has agreed not the see the OW again. Does this mean he really wants to make things work? He has apologized and has told me he feels guilty and remorseful and I can tell that he does feel really bad for what happened and he says the reason he didn't come tell me is he was afraid, afraid that I would leave.
Is this a good sign that he is this open and willing? I just don't know what to believe/think anymore.

My daughters birthday party is on the 20th, I guess they will be getting an uninvite. Which is not fair to her but I don't want to be in the same room as her right now and I am not that happy with the way her H has decided to handle things either.

I appreciate all the advice that everyone is giving me, the OW was really my best and only close friend so I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this. Thanks

How has her husband decided to handle things?

He is just letting it go. He has confronted her aboout it and she admits to the kiss which is what she admitted to me as well. I think to him it gives him a better feeling of what he has done in the past becasue now she has done the same type of thing and she can't hold it against him anymore.

As you go through this, you may find that the people around you that you can talk with won't understand it. Most people don't understand how infidelity works, so continuing to post here is a good idea.

I think it is a very good sign that your husband has agreed to no contact. I agree with Orchid. You should do joint counseling with the Harleys to set up a recovery plan.

Well, then........ Completely IGNORE your husband's words, because words from a liar don't mean a thing. Watch for his actions.

He needs to explain the notes to your satisfaction, answer all questions, including the what, when and where, give you his passwords, look for another day care for your daughter, be an open book, account for all his time, and write a no contact letter to the OW, which you approve and mail.

The letter should say that he loves you and his family, made a HORRIBLE mistake, wants to work on his marriage and protect YOU. He should let her know that he never wants any contact with her for any reason for the rest of his life.