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Joined: Feb 2007
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Its been 5 months since I found out about my ww affair.Ive cried for almost all of that.I no it would have been easier if she had died.But then I think If she would have been moral she would have divorced me and went on her way.Niether one of us were meeting each others needs.I love my wife more than any thing but was so frustrated I didnt no what to do and I dont think she did eather,but she chose to have an A to have her needs ment.But I have never been mad except for the day I found out,Just crushed thought I was going to die.She realises how rong what she did was.Right now we both realise that we need to meet each others needs do things we may not be crazy about but you do it because you love your spouse.You dont no how to love till your heart has been broken.So what would every body like to live with an affair in the closet as a reminder to meet each others needs or a new spouse.If we were all open on comunication with each other we wouldnt heart the one we love. I choose my wife she makes me happy I wouldnt want to live with out her.We both realise marriage is a sacrafice. Just a thought!

Joined: Oct 2005
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Read the main website and MB concepts. Specifically the stuff about conflict resolution, love busters and the concepts regarding the giver and the taker.

Sacrificial marriages ARE vulnerable marriages.

Sacrifice breeds resentment.

I recommend you consider purchasing some of Dr. Harley's materials. His Needs/Her Needs, Love Busters, The One (or whatever it is called now). Implement a MB recovery program so you BOTH can learn to rebuild a loving and successful marriage TOGETHER.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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your going to tell me every thing you do in your marriage nothing is a sacrafice.You dont go to a movie that you dont want to see but you go because you no your wife wants to see it.You clean the house up before she gets home because you love to do it,You mow the lawn on saturday morning when you would like to sleep a little longer.We all make sacrafises. And ive read them all

Joined: Feb 2000
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I like this thought better--

Love is a balancing act where each partner gets equal time being *on top*. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Personally, I like getting my *fair share* of feeling valued and important (and yes, that means my hubby lovingly accompanies me to a chick flick when it's my *turn* to choose the movie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> ).

Hugs, ~Marie

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Quote
your going to tell me every thing you do in your marriage nothing is a sacrafice.You dont go to a movie that you dont want to see but you go because you no your wife wants to see it.You clean the house up before she gets home because you love to do it,You mow the lawn on saturday morning when you would like to sleep a little longer.We all make sacrafises. And ive read them all

Oh sorry...didn't realize you already knew it all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Movie choices and cleaning up aren't really sacrifices to me. But if you FEEL as though it's a sacrifice that is where POJA comes in and....abracadabra...it's now a trade-off and not a "sacrifice". But I guess you already knew that.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - POJA is often a difficult concept for the wayward spouse at first. It takes time for them to come out of the selfish fog and then it takes time for them to realize POJA is NOT a punishment for their wayward behavior. This is especially the case if your relationship, pre-affair, was typical of many marriages where the husband forever conflict avoids and the wife forever doesn't conflict avoid(i.e. - conflict with no means of resolution).


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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BTW

I don't view marraige as a sacrifice

I view it as a blessing

of His choosing

denied to many.

It is NOT designed to make me happy

It IS designed to bring me closer to Him

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 8
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Maybe sacrafice was the wrong word but we all do things for love dont we?

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It is NOT designed to make me happy

It IS designed to bring me closer to Him


I thought that God made woman to make man happy. Woamns role in the will of God was to be a "help" in every way including emotional, social and physical.

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MARRIAGE


Marriage is a sacred institution established by God for the primary purpose of bringing Him glory. It's main purpose is not, as some think, to procreate, or to have companionship, or to fulfill sexual needs. No. It's primary purpose is to bring glory and honor to God. It is only in marriage that we are able to carry out the commission of God to replenish the earth and to subdue it. This commission by God can only be properly accomplished in marriage where the husband and wife in faithful, covenantal relationship purpose to glorify God by having children, raising them in a godly fashion, and sending them out into the world having trained them in the ways of the Lord. This is what marriage is for. It is outward focused (for God's glory), not inward centered (for our comfort).
Unfortunately, in this world of feminism the biblical role of women has been compromised. Too many Christian men don't know how to be men since, unfortunately, many of them learn "manhood" from one of two main role models on TV: the wimpy, bumbling male buffoon who is the object of laughter or the macho stud who can kill thousands with his bare hands and then go fornicate his brains out. Add to this sad state of affairs the unbiblical allowance of teenage rebellion and disrespect (due mostly to parental failure) and it is obvious that families are under attack. What is a Christian family to do?
The answer is simple. Men, it starts with you. So listen up. You are the ones responsible for your families. You are the ones who are the heads of your families. This is how God set the family structure up. God made the first married couple in a certain order and gave them certain duties. Adam was made first and God put him in charge of the Garden (Gen. 2:7,15). Adam looked for a helpmate from among all the animals and found none suitable (Gen. 2:19-20). So, God made Eve to aid him in the commission God had given Adam (Gen. 2:22). It was Eve's purpose to aid Adam in accomplishing the will of God. Furthermore, remember that sin entered the world through Adam, not Eve, even though she sinned first (Rom. 5:12). God addressed Adam for the failure, not Eve. To use an analogy, it was Adam who was the captain of the ship and when it went aground, he was the one God came to. Therefore, the responsibility of the family falls on the man. If you don't like it, that is too bad. That is how God set it up.
The healing of the Christian family begins with the head: the husband. The husband needs to take the helm and lead the family in spiritual matters -- whether he likes it or not. He can't be perfect at it and that's okay, but he is responsible for carrying out his duties as a husband and for loving his wife as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25). This is a very tall order to love his wife as Jesus loves us. But that is our calling. It is love in the family, lead and exemplified by the husband that sets the tone of the marriage. He is responsible for the well being of the family. It is to Him that God will come and require an account. This is serious business and the man needs to take it seriously.
Aside from the unfortunate reality where women must lead due to divorce, widowhood, separation, etc., if the woman is the leader in the family it is because the man has not taken his proper place. The man is the spiritual head, the discipler of the family (1 Cor. 14:34-35), the teacher, the one responsible for the the material, financial, and spiritual well being of his family (1 Tim. 5:8). It is a tall order, but it is simply the way it is. And one more thing: a family is a family by virtue of the covenant bond of marriage. It does not become a family once children arrive. Children are welcomed into the family at birth and need to be taught how to be proper, godly members of God's covenant family.
But what of the wife? What is her responsibility in marriage? It is simple. She is to respect, honor, and support her husband (Eph. 5:33). She is to encourage him to be the leader. She is to not undermine his position has head. This means that wives should not show him disrespect by speaking ill of him behind his back to anyone else. In addition, though many women will not like it, the woman's primary responsibility is to take care of the home (Tit. 2:3-5) and to make it a suitable place for the family to dwell as she aids her husband and nurtures the children (1 Thess. 2:7) with love (Tit. 2:4).
Of course, the husband and wife are both responsible for overlapping and helping each other as they love one another (1 Cor. 13), but the primary duty of a husband is to love and provide. The primary duty of a wife is to nurture and respect.
Is this important? Absolutely! Is it popular? No. But, it is what God calls us to do as Christians. So I ask you, how important is your family to you? How seriously are you considering them before God, not just in provision, but in love, nurturing, honor, training, and godly upbringing?


[color:"red"]The above language is NOT my own. I googled "Eve's purpose" and this was one of the first things that popped up. It can be found at MARRIAGE COVENANT LINK [/color]

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,306
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Read Mortarman's infamous post on the roles of husbands and wives. Very enlightening.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=


Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids.

Plan A Thread
Plan B Thread
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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