I love this website. I got some powerful insite today when I definitely needed it. I think I understand my emotions a little more, which I think is the first step. However, a few things came to mind as I was reading through everything. I want to share some of my issue in hopes that people who have had similar experiences can give me some pointers. I realize, of course, a marriage is two people and obviously here is only my perception. But, know its true and I will do my best to explain. We've been married for 8.5 years.


My husband and I got married at 18 years old. We met when we were 16. We got married so young as a result of the fact he was given a job offer to move cross country that could support us. So, we decided to get married on Sunday, got married on Monday and we were headed to unknown territory on Wednesday, about 1800 miles from what we called home at the time. It was exciting and fun and my only thoughts at the time were I love this man and what on earth do we have to lose? Everything was to gain. And, I had often dreamt of going to college in this area, I really knew deep down it was all a dream come true.

So, given our ages, you know we hadn't finished college yet. Part of his employment was that he finish college while being employed. What could be better, you work, can support your new little family (he and I) and they will pay for you to finish school? Now, I had the same dreams of finishing school and there was nothing that would stand in my way. We moved in July and I had graduated from High School earlier that May. I began taking night classes for my degree that September. However, he did not. We both worked at the same company at this point, so the embarrassment was beginning. But, honestly I was okay at that point because we had just made this rather big jump and he was having trouble adjusting, so he said he would start in the Spring. So, I registered for the spring and I practically had to force him to register. I started classes as did he. He quit going to the classes two weeks into the semester stating he didn't like it and it was too hard. So I am really starting to be embarrassed and ashamed. His family was looking at this oppurtunity as his way of getting into the world and hes not sorta following through. I am affraid we rushed into marriage and now hes not going to finish. But, I kept going and he was performing well on the job. He knows exactly how I feel about his actions and etc. but I decided I wouldn't force the issue thinking hes just going to rebel really. But all the while thinking, geeze look at the risk hes putting us under? I just didn't understand. It was all extremely frustrating. So the years after that we had lots of fun, when to new places all the while working and my going to classes at night. Instead of him finishing school he develops a ton of new hobbies makes lots of new friends and basically nights I had classes hes out having fun. Now, I realize the pursuit of say a degree is mostly for selfish reason, one wants to improve themselves, however part of my driving force was my commitment to him and commitment to the life I wanted us to build.

So, I am in my last year of school and he comes home with fantastic news, hes been offered a position in another country. However, I'm in my last year of school and I am not about to quit now, no way. His response when I brought that up was well don't you want to life experiences. And, of course, I do, I love to travel and lived as an expat when I was a kid. But in my mind once I finished school we'd maybe think about children, etc. But I shelved all that figured out a way to squeeze in a load of classes to so that I could complete my BS in Comp Sci by the time we needed to move. Well, of course, reorgs happen at companies and it ended up not happening. So that was a major disappointment on many fronts. I mean he really wanted the new job and now I am taking a full-time load in school and working full-time (managed to get a promotion in all that as well). And whether or not he wants to believe it, part of the reason it all fell through was due to his lack of a degree. In the debrief about it all the VP recommended he stay where he was and finish. So, there is, yet another blow. Argh, I'm thinking, but decided to say nothing, what could I say at this point? He knows I love him.

So then the real fun starts. A friend of mine moved in with us for a short period of time. She also joined the social circle of people he was hanging out with (I'm not hanging out, I'm at freakin school) and she keeps dropping hints that hes hanging out with this other woman a lot and they are having private conversations for hours etc. I sorta ignored it because my husband is a very social guy and its rather typical of him to talk with lots of people. However, she would mention it here and there. But, again, I'm so busy. Then I notice a decline in our well time together if you know what I mean. Additionally he looses a lot of weight and decides to start dressing actually quite nicely. Of course, silly me, I'm thinking hes doing it for us/me, haha. Then it hits me, I was actually in class listening to a lecture and it was like wham, you idiot. SO I get home after class and I meet him at the door. I said to him look, there is no requirement for life for you to be married to me. So, if you are tired of me, etc. there is the door. I won't be second, third or otherwise. He acted completely shocked and said he had never slept with her etc. I said, well, you are certainly getting something from her because let me tell ya, you've distanced yourself from me. So soon after that she leaves the company and he changes to another job within the company.

So, I graduated! Finally, I have my degree. And that was a very anti-climatical experience. I had worked so hard to be exactly where I was. What a bummer. So we went on a vacation to celebrate and I thought everything was back on track.

And then, he starts talking about wanting to move back home. Now, I've finished school my career is really kicking into high-gear, I've been promoted I've actually gotten some direct reports, I'm feeling good. All my hard work is just beginning to pay off. So, we discuss it and I somewhat agreed. Well he took our conversation and starts talking to his boss, and well bad news typical travels fast, so I was called into my boss's office and was getting questions that I had no answers for, I just wasn't emotionally preparred. And, I felt completely betrayed.

So, we put the move on hold basically because I didn't feel comfortable and wanted more time to really sort things out and do something good. My whole philosophy about change is, there has to be something worth changing for, right? So, I actually relaxed after all that and kind of began enjoying myself. I mean for the last 5 years I've been working full time and going to school at night. There really isn't much time left over for much of anything else. It was rather scary, so I immediately worked on a certification and enrolled in my masters program. I like going to school and learning, thats just what I do.

So then he starts accusing me of not having any fun. Fun by his definition is taking on a hobby or whatever. My idea of fun (as I've finally realized lately) at the moment is bettering the situation. I feel I am young and have no children so this is the time to do it, won't be anytime after the first one is born.

So, about 4 months later he just simply comes to me and decides he can't live where we were living anymore and felt it was time to move back home. And basically it was put if you don't move with me, you can stay here... alone. So, I swallowed really hard and listed my house on the market. Now, of course, hes traveling 80% of the time. So, I didn't want to move and now I am doing everything for this move. I feel completely at odds about everything. And hes starting to say things are in my head and this was always the plan etc.

So the big day comes and we move. I've never cried so hard in all my life. I mean this was like 3 year old type crying. But, I got through it, and drove. And we arrive in Hickville USA to live with his folks. Now, we've been married for 7.5 years at this point, never have relied on anyone and I am now living in their house. This is just all wrong I kept telling myself. Now, I ended up keeping my job where I was, I just now have to travel and as is he. So I fly home one afternoon and decided, I'm going to find a house in the nearest city with an airport. So, I got out looking for a house and find one. He basically just wanted to stay there. All I wanted to do was find a house and start making a home again, we desperately needed it.

I closed on this house alone and pretty much felt alone in the whole process. He didn't help much and would complain about most everything I did. We would have one week together out of like 4 with our whacked out schedules and we'd spend most of the time making decisions, I felt like he was just another business partner, really.

Now, I am realizing the travel isn't doing either one of us any good. One of us needs to stop and focus on building this home and getting things sorted out. I am the one with the degree so it makes more sense for me to find a new job because its just easier. I found a new job actually relatively quickly. I got an offer and then flew out on an international business trip. I am completely shaken and disappointed at this point. I've worked extremely hard to get where I am in my job, have done really well for a young female and here is it, sure I've got another job but affectively I am starting over again. I didn't accept the offer right away instead I boarded the plan for my 2.5 week trip and decided I was going to do some serious thinking, I mean what else is there to do on a 14 hour flight and I had two of them. I had the best time on this trip. I met all sorts of interesting people saw all kinds of things. This is really what I was born to do. I decided at that point I just can't give all this up and I immediately emailed the other job and told them I would not be accepting the offer. My husband got very upset. His response was I thought we would have children now, I thought you were finally really moving into the new area. I am thinking, no way am I ready to have children after all that and do I really have to do something so extreme to prove to you I've moved?

Basically where I am at today is I just don't know what to do next. I love him, I really do. I feel nothing for him sexually or otherwise because I've just grown so withdrawn and quite frankly I am severely disappointed in him and where we are right now. He wants to build this life here, finally, after I've done all the work. I travel probably about 60% of the time and I just can't wait for my next trip because then I get to be alone and out of this situation. After reading about the emotional needs I realize how in danger I might be for other things I really don't want to do as a result of this disappointment and everything else. I've explained how I feel to him and he thinks its all in my head and that I just need to get into the new place. However, I think a lot of this disappointmented existed before I am just now starting to realize it because, hey, I actually have time to think. I've seen him quit out of so many things since I've known him when we talk about children all I can see is myself doing all the work while he takes them to the park and the zoo.....

Anyways, thanks for letting me get this out.

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Votes accepted starting: 03/07/07 07:28 PM
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80:

Welcome to MB.

Quite the story there.

Probably the first time you have really stepped back and reviewed the last 8 years of your life.

You are not the same person you were when you graduated from High School.

But your husband is. Or, at least alot closer to that person.

Sorry about that.

Maturity is a beast.

I was 30 before I decided what I wanted to be.

Your H is avoiding responsibiltity and will not do the things he is suspposed to do. Him not going to school when you first arrived at the new job after High School is really telling. And he has run away from resonsibility since.

Your not off the hook, either.

You are exhibiting independent behavior's in the purchase of houses, Masters's, Job's etc.

However. You are here. You can learn about the emotional needs (EN's), Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and Policy of Radical Honesty (PORH).

And get back to work on your marriage.

You may or may not decide to stay in it. You have moved far down the path of life. And your H is interested in the scenery. Nothing wrong with that, but you both need to understand what you want from the other.

This forum thread doesn't get much activity. If you continue to hang around, and want more help, head over to General Questions for the most activity, or mosey over to Emotional Needs forum. Most of your issues above are addressed in various threads there.

LG