While I realize that I have put our M in this position, I also want to work things out and come out with a stronger M. My BH has taken to secrecy and it concerns me. Is he having a RA? I don't know, I don't necessarily think so. But suddenly the cell phone and laptop are never out of his sight! He says that b/c of what I did, I have no right to know what goes on in his life anymore and that "snooping" is out of line. I know how vulnerable BS can be at this early point and I just want to protect our M. I know for a FACT that he has a couple of new friends that are female that he speaks to. How much is too much conversation with the opposite sex? Especially when trying to recover from an A???

Oh boy!!

This is not a good thing at this time or really ever.

I was a BH and after dday I sure was hurt and looking at other women all the time. I could see myself going out on a date with someone. That was all before I found this great place.

Now if I had a female friend that would "be there" for me well I guess it could of very easy go too far.

Big red flag about the cell phone and laptop.

You need to talk to him about this ASAP.

I have ... he says I have nothing to worry about and that he can and will have female friends. He states that he does not discuss our M with his female friend(s) ... I wonder if they even know he's married!?! This is why I want to talk to the Harleys asap, but he's informed me that he may spend the night out tonight and he is going out of town tomorrow. I really think he needs some guidance here, but I think he needs to hear it from someone other than me!

This just smells of not good.


Does he see that he is doing the same as you did? He may not be having an A, but he is keeping secrets from you and op sex relationships. That is the way A start out.

I would ask him: "How is this helping our M?"

you really ought to consider a GPS for his car .... knowledge is power

Pep

Tell him: "ok honey, then if I have nothing to worry about I'm sure you wouldn't mind showing me your cell and laptop. In return I will show you mine anytime you wish."

I feel like I'm going crazy! I have tried everything I can think of ... he says he'll do what he wants, when he wants and I have no say about it because of what I did. This is NOT healthy ...

You are absolutely correct time_for_change, it isn't healthy. Your M is in the danger zone at this very moment - he does need to hear it from someone else that holding on to the resentment/seeking revenge/etc is DANGEROUS.

I'm a BH myself, and I know that it is difficult to deal with my WW's A. Anger, Sadness, Depression, all of those emotions run through us. Every thought and feeling has - including the Revenge A! The past can't be held over your head, or both of you are NOT recovering.

I would seek a professional's help personally -

TFC,Hey girl!Man it just seems to get harder dosen't it!Just when You think things might start going in the right direction they take another ten steps back!Sometimes it seems like a hopeless battle!I saw my IC, who happens to be a pastor,yesterday,and he told me to tell my H I want to move back in the house even though I know he will think I'm crazy!I have always been strong and outspoken and could tell my H anything,but man has this made me insecure!I hate it!I get anxiety just thinking about calling my H anymore,cuz I fear his rejection!He sent me a txt last night to call him after work to discuss a bill I had left at the house!When he answered the phone he had a angry tone!I took my IC's advice and kept completely calm,and within minutes his tone changed,but only discussed the bill and said goodbye!It hurts so bad that he dosen't even want to talk to me anymore!I am afraid that he is also talking to other girls,but like your H,he says no!I truly don't know what to do anymore!I almost feel like things have gotten worse!He hasn't called me to hang out in over a week!

Oh, mine admits to talking to them ... well, emailing and texting. He says no "airtime" though - which is a lie b/c I saw the phone bill.


(p.s. - jk, did you see my thread for us?)

Which thread are you talking about?

This is a perfect example of a BS not understanding the power they have, or actually understanding it all too well. Although our human minds like to think we have the right to crap like this, once we've been betrayed, it is not true.

You need to define your boundaries, yes, you still get those, when they are apporpriate boundaries. Tell him he has two options, open himself up to you, or there is the door. Do not allow yourself to be a doormat just because you messed up, no matter how big a mistake it was. If you are truely remoseful, and have demonstrated that to him, then you need to be sure and step up and lay down the law.

-don't let him run you over on this, because you will never be able to stop this freight train once it gets going, and you will be right back where you were when you had your affair....hating him.

You are right ... he understands his power all to WELL!

Everyone keeps saying to quit being his doormat! I guess I just feel that I deserve it and I really don't want to lose him! Each time I stand up for myself he says "I need to stand up for myself to you ... that's why I'm leaving". But he doesn't go, he just keeps being secretive and staying out all night. It can't be good for DD to wonder why Daddy didn't come home last night!

come on, that is not the marriage you want. nor the father you want your daughter to see.

So how do I fix it!?!

You can't fix it. It is up to him to do it. He is right... you have given him the ability to act this way with your actions... BUT he is very wrong for doing it. I would say that any thoughts that he is not screwing around are very naive. If he isn't coming home... bet that he is up to something.
He really has two choices as far as I can see... he can commit to making the marriage better (which I doubt he will do since he is obviously furious) or he can send you packing because of your A. Anything else is just not okay at this point and you need to point that out to him right now. Just be prepared for an answer that you will not like.

MEDC

Be open and honest. Tell him this is what you need from him too. Many people have come here saying they had an affair because they thought their marraige was over, so they justified the affair. Well, you can actually file for a divorce, without having an affair people. I'm not saying you should go file for divorce, but I am saying that you have choices to make.

I dont think this bodes well. I would be very worried. I have bumped a thread that I wrote about a month ago that may give you some insight into your dh's behavior. I think you should be trying to do a plan A here, there are many here that can help you with that, certainly better than I have managed.

I have been plan A-ing ... I have followed the Harley-methodology to the nth degree. I just don't know what else I can do.