Just found out he's spending Saturday (our anniversary) with her ... lovely.

This is tough, I know. Keep your head up. Have you truly confronted him on this issue yet?

Which issue?

If you are referring to the anniversary with her ... then only sort of. I asked if he would please spend it with me. He said we are done and he'll do what he wants, when he wants, and that he is doing something for himself that day.

If you are referring to the phone calls, then no.

Well ... I checked the IM logs. When he goes out of town next week, he is planning on staying with "her". Remember, she's "just a friend" and they "haven't discussed our marriage"??? Really!?! They HAVE discussed our M and their conversation was DEFINITELY on the inappropriate side of things! He said about my A: he could get over the sex-aspect of my A, it was the things that were said in our emails that bothered him. Well, I'd say we're "even" ... we both suck! I am so tempted to leave a copy of the IM log on his desk with a note that says "we're even. now let's work on the marriage". But I know I can't do that. What do I do now?

stay calm!!!

ok? the way i see it... you have the upper hand with information that you are getting. are you still plan aing? i know its tough.

That is easier said than done! Breathe, just breathe.

breathing is good

Plan A is in full effect ... he just called me and I was sweeter than apple pie. He even mentioned coming home early for sex ... that is the LAST thing I want after reading that. How do I handle this information?

ok, i read my posts... not much help. sorry. just not sure which direction youre heading... stay or go? let me know and we'll come up with something.

I want to stay ... he doesn't seem to know what he wants. One second he wants to go, then says he feels like that is a mistake. And then all this behavior. I want my M and am willing to fight my a** off for it, I just need some guidance before I go crazy with all this info.

Confront him with the information you have. And trust me.. you can NEVER be even in his eyes. Even if he were to screw 20 women, you would be the one that put your M on this path. He is doing this for revenge (or because he really believes it is over).

Confront this problem openly and honestly and with a maturity that you have not yet displayed before it goes too far. Tell him what you know and call him on his behavior. Personally, I can certainly understand his not wanting to celebrate your anniversary. That M has been broken. Perhaps one day you will be able to celebrate the rebirth of your M together... but to have any negative feelings about him not wanting to share that day with you is unreasonable. NOW.. please know that I do not think he should be spending it with another woman. If he wants out of the M he should clearly say so and you two should start making plans to divorce. If not, his actions are secondary responses to the hurt he is feeling... AND THEY MUST BE RECOGNIZED AS SUCH AND STOPPED BEFORE THEY GO ANY FURTHER.
Your H's feelings are very normal at this point. I truly hope that he stops lowering himself by involving other women in your M.
Confront him with your evidence and see what happens.

That should be fun ... he says that I have no right to any knowledge about his life now. I feel like because he is still here, he hasn't left, we are in MC, we are still having sex, and we are still married that I have EVERY right to know what he's doing. I realize that I derailed the M, but I am also trying to get it back on track. I understand his not wanting to spend our anniv. together, but I think it is cruel to keep rubbing it in my face what he IS doing that day. I don't want any of you to think that I feel like I am entitled to have our M back the way it was, I know better than that.

in my sitch i would(will) stay quiet and just watch. apparently i am glued to "the pot" and wont get off but i also have reasons for staying on the pot and these reasons take time.

what i am saying is... take your individual situation into consideration before doing anything..

if you expose everyting you know now... there will be no more plan a, there will be no more contact, he will know you defied him by spying, he will try harder to hide what he knows is wrong and you wont be privy to any of it or he will move now instead of later.

are you ready for that?

No way! These were my thoughts too. My mom actually thinks I should have him followed when he goes there, but I am not necessarily up for that either. I don't want to defy him, but I also don't think it is time to expose this info. I just want him to at least TRY to help put this M back together.

Maybe he is waiting for you to leave.... maybe he is testing how committed you really are after your screw up...afterall, if the M is truly over, why would he have to be the one to leave? YOU should leave if it winds up in divorce. Is it cruel what he is doing about the anniversary... yep... is it wrong... yep.

YOU need to let him know what you know. In a way he is right that YOU have no right to snoop on him... but if and I mean IF he is having an A, he has lost his ability to have that moral high ground. But you are being deceptive by keeping this from him and frankly you are risking further damage.

If he truly wants the M over let him know that you do not want that but will honor his wishes. But let him know what YOU are willing to do. Also, do NOT sleep with him if he is screwing anyone else... I think your relationship has already had too many people in your bed with your A and it does not need any further risk.

Clearly outline for him what you are willing to do and what you want. Let him know that you will be there for him. Forget about the anniversary... that is a thorn in his side... put there by you. Focus on the M and improving your approach. I know this will sound harsh... but there is something about your manner that would really rub me the wrong way as your BS. You seem so much less than genuine in your words and almost come across like... okay, hey, I made a mistake... now, BH... get over it and get back to meeting my needs. If I am wrong, sorry... but that is my take on you.

Do the hard work.. starting with letting him know what you know.

and if she sits back and does not let him know, she is practically handing him over on a silver platter.... at least this way she has some fight left to give.

That is not at all how I feel. I certainly appreciate your advice, but you are definitely reading me all wrong. I do not expect him to "just get over it", but I also don't expect him to have a RA. After all, 2 wrongs don't make a right. I just want what's best for our M - and another A isn't what's best. We have discussed almost daily what I am willing to do for the M and my actions back it up. We have also discussed that I will respect his decision to D if that is what he chooses, even though that is not what I want. We have also discussed that I will be staying in our home with DD should we no longer be together ... that is why he would be the one to go.

I am here because I truly want to change/fix my M. Please understand that I am not a "get over it" kind of person. I am willing to own up to my errors and take responsibility for them and make the efforts to change.

You make a valid point ... but what if I hadn't had the A first? What is the normal protocol for exposure?

Okay, that leads to a few questions... why wouldn't he get custody of your DD in the event of a divorce? Why doesn't he stay in the house with the DD? I am of the mindset that if the WS actions lead to divorce, the BS should get to call those shots. JMHO.

Moving on...

Next, I am sorry for misreading you. Now, I truly feel that if you do not expose what you know to him you will be making a huge mistake. He will be pissed... but he will get over it. If you do nothing... you KNOW what is going to happen. Are you prepared to just sit back and let him act without speaking up? Will this make you feel like the playing field has been leveled and in a way take away some of your guilt?

MEDC