this cut is very deep

Has she ever written a letter to YOU ?

Pep

^^

No.

I don't think she can. Too difficult for her.

She does occasionally say nice things now though.


ed: It occurs to me I still have a copy of that letter. I don't take it out and read it. I don't have any desire to.

I wonder why I don't burn it.

it keeps you safe from yourself

It was to OM

OUCH!!!!

Aphelion, I am curious as to how you aquired the letter.

I pray to God that she didn't give it to you.

Does she know you have it?

I still have some emails I printed out from the OM to FWW.

I guess I keep them to never forget that such a thing can happen.

kirk

AP,

Have you ever considered returning the letter to your W? I would imagine it might be quite an eye opener for her. You don't really need a copy of it do you? You can probably recite it word for word can you not?

Why not give the letter to her, it is after all hers.

Please think about it.

JL

I don't make a big deal of this letter, now.

It was her attempt at an NC letter. We agreed I got to see and approve. She sent it before showing it to me, though. Needless to say we had a do-over, months later. After he declared again he would not leave his W.

I toss this letter into the fog bank, along with most of the other withdrawal things. It was quite a letter though. (I also saw, and still have, other letters and emails from her to OM, BTW.)

Sure, I wish she would/could write such a letter to me. Even now. I asked her back during MC if she would. She needed to think about it because she felt at the time it would not be sincere. Notice she felt that way, not me. No such letter yet.

Why?

No, I don't need a copy. I don't think so anyway. I never look at it. But it's mere existence is sort of a reminder to not be a doormat ever again. I think. I don't know.

Actually, I have suppressed most of it. I can remember the gist of certain parts, like how good he is in bed (a bit of the superman stuff), but for the most part I can't recite it now.

FWW is a very good writer. She could publish. Reading this letter was like being in the affair myself. It would probably bring tears of longing for long lost love to every non-cynic on MB.

that's what I was thinking too

peP spelled backwards

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So sorry friend, that must have really been difficult to read.

""It was her attempt at an NC letter.""

OOFDAH!!

“So sorry friend, that must have really been difficult to read.”

It was, not to put too fine a point on it.

FWW had moved out a couple of months earlier. She wanted to come home at that time because OM was not going to join her after all. An NC letter was a requirement in the Plan B letter – typical MB Plan B stuff. And I was sticking to the Plan.

I wanted her home too, but after I read that letter I pretty much gave up. I went away in my head for a while. I don’t remember much about the following weeks. They are still a blank.

ed: I do remember holding her while she cried her eyes and heart out the night OM told her he was not leaving his W, and to leave him alone. That was not difficult for me to do at all. I so wanted her pain to go away.

Is she through with withdrawl Ap?

Hi, I don't post much but this thread really struck a chord with me. During my RWH's withdrawal, I discovered a "love letter" that he'd written to OW#1 pouring out his heart, and then again months later another letter he'd written to OW#2... blah, blah, blah. I was devastated!

Later on down the recovery road, he and I had a little ceremony (his idea). We went out on the patio and lit a fire in the grill. We both contributed... we burned all photos, cards, letters, emails, cell phone bills... basically anything that remotely had to do with or caused us to remember his affair(s).

It was so freeing for both of us. RWH prayed (I listened) during our little ceremony and told God that this was symbolic in that we were both “letting go.” He asked God for forgiveness, and asked for help so that our marriage would be fully restored out of the ashes of the past.

We're now 3 years + in recovery and RWH is in Bible School. He leaves tomorrow for a mission trip to Mexico.

Wow, Meggy. What a beautiful thing to do. Good for you guys.

It would be so wonderful if Mr. and Mrs Appy were able to get to that place.

I guess I should add... that even though we did that I still struggled with those "heartfelt words" written to those OP. I'd never received anything like that from him before. Many times I LB'd him with that and so of course he couldn't write me one because it would have felt forced (and I wouldn't have beleived it after that anyway!) I finally HAD to let that one go and resign myself to the fact that I'd probably never get a love letter because IRL (out of the fog) RWH just wasn't like that (I told myself). I can happily say though that about a month ago, I finally got one of my own.

It WOULD be wonderful if M/M Appy could get there too. It IS possible and there's ALWAYS hope. NO ONE would have believed after all the crapola that RWH and I would EVER be where we are now.

"Is she through with withdrawal Ap?"

For the most part, I think so.

However, an MB trained M coach warned me (and Torn Asunder supports it) both withdrawal and recovery can take as long as the VLTA lasted. So we are probably talking the rest of her (and my) life here.

Without expressing a DJ, I still notice times she is back in withdrawal: missing him, wondering about him, asking acquiantances about him, secretly crying, moping around, cranky... And it's been three years since DDay2.

Ask 2L about the agonizingly slow withdrawal from an LTA.

IRL we did indeed toss a truckload of A related memorabilia and just plain A-tainted stuff. We did it together.

But I kept copies of certain letters and emails. OM's BW has copies too.

Like I said earlier. They are not easy to get at and I never look at them. But, I know they still exist.

I don't know why that is important to me.

But are you happy, appy?

Sorry, couldn't resist. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I know that you are.

So why you keep the letter (and stuff) is a mystery to me. Maybe it is, an unfriendly reminder, I don't know. Maybe it is a way to keep you from totally reconnecting with her.

You do know that the only reason she felt those things for OM was because she held them in her mind and chose to project them onto him, instead of onto you. It's always all in the mind of the person who thinks they are in love, and had he not withheld and given himself to her (in marriage) the way you did, she would have found out that the qualities she projected onto him were not his. They were what she wanted to give him.

So if the letter serves a purpose to you in that it keeps you safe from yourself, it so served a purpose to her in that it kept her safe from herself as well. She was able to avoid true intimacy. And she never had to accept the fact that the life she had chosen was what she had chosen. She could instead in her mind feel that she could have had so much more, if only, if only, if only. Looking outward instead of inward. Saying this isn't what I wanted, I wanted OM. I couldn't have OM, so I am not responsible for what I have. Never understanding that you get exactly what you give. She could have projected all those things onto you, and saw you as superman.

It never had anything to do with you Ap, or even to do with OM.

That is my pop psych for the day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I kept some stuff for a number of years

because

I wanted a reminder to stay alert
I wanted a reminder in case it started over again
I wanted documentation for any potential divorce proceeding

after awhile, I forgot where I put the stuff ... finally I threw it all away, with ONE exception, my diary ... it is PRICELESS

here is my simple rule of thumb ... take the number of years you were betrayed, double it ... when you reach THAT number in actual recovery years ... time to throw all of it out

sooooooooooo, using that measurement...
in your case, dear precious Aph, it's gonna be awhile yet

Pep