I fought so hard for my M only to have lost this battle. My WH has gotten what he wanted- a D and the OW. The D is pending the judge's signature which means I'll be officially D'd any day now. I'm numb.

After reading the Harley's book and studying this site, I was praying my WH would emerge from the fog before the D became final. Unfortunately, this isn't the case with him. My WH has made all the decisions along the way as I've endured the heartache and pain of a broken M and a broken heart.

My question is to you all is: Do all wayward spouses emerge from the fog at some point? Even when the D has been final, does the WS "wake up" and realize how destructive the A was to the M?

i think that depends.
i think as long as they are with the other person, they remain in the fog unless the op stops meeting needs of some sort. i think if the affair ends and the ex has some time alone to think about what has happened and what they have done and it actually sinks in a bit, they might realize some things.

BUT, i think many of our exes just rewrite history, try to convince themselves and everyone else just how unhappy they were in the marriage thus giving them the entitlement of what they did.

mine, the narcissist that he is, is so full of self righteous entitlement his head will never see any clear skies again. he LIVES in the fog of his creation. in fact, for some reason he started bringing my children to church on sundays when he has them. i suppose to try and make himself look like father of the year. of course everyone in church knows the history of our marriage and the things he has done. he walks into church with his head held high and proud like he never has done a thing wrong. nevermind the fact he is living with ow. nope, he is pure white snow. one of my friends commented on how she is surprised he can just walk in with his head held so high knowing everyone knows. but that is my ex, he sees nothing wrong with what he has done.

so, to answer your question, i would not hold my breath on it. do not wait for that aha moment your ex may some day have, that phone call that says "i am so sorry i hurt you, i was so wrong" etc... i don't believe i will ever get that call. they had to rewrite history in order to even have the affair, they are not going to change it back.

mlhb

Read the book "Reconcible Differences" by Jim Talley. Most spouses do consider reconciliation after a D within 2 years. It has more to do with the changes you make within yourself that matters most. My wife and I are trying to reconcile after the D which was 15 months ago. It takes two to make a marriage implode, acknowledge your issues and work on them.
Your ex will notice, mine did.

My ex has done the same as mlhb's, he goes to church with the OW and all of the kids. Her pastor knows everything and it doesn't slow them down a bit. The OW has even raised her hand to ask for prayer for my ex's health (he only had a cold). I handle it by thinking of my ex as the sorry replacement of my H. My H was a good guy, honest, hardworking, decent, etc... This joker is the liar and the cheater. This is the guy who hurts anyone that gets in the way of what he wants. So, in essence, I am a widow. That way, I am not thinking about reconciliation and whether my ex will wake up from the "fog". Now I can just work on me and healing, as well as trying to undo some of the damage that the A inflicted upon my kids.

Stay strong and focus on you now. If, and that is a big "if", he ever wakes up, you may or may not want him back. But, whatever happens, you will be in a better place emotionally, mentally and hopefully, healthwise. Make yourself someone that you would want to spend time with and don't worry about those two fog shrouded fools.

Loni