i need help talked to DH today. he called and i accidently answered when i was on the other line. he asked was do i hate him? i said i hate what you have become and what you have done to me. i said the sad part is that you are not even happy. i said i am worried about your health and so is daughter. I said since you went to the doctor and they put you on insulin you still havent changed your ways and the sad part is that OW the one who says she loves you had not bothered to help you. you still eat out every day. he said that he knows that he has start taking care of himself. he said he knows in his heart that he loves me but he said he is trying to recapture what he had with her (20 years ago he was 15 she was 13) i said well i have left you alone and still you can not make a connection. i said you and her was young and 20 years ago you guys were different people. life and time has a way of changing people. he said i know he said he is scared that if he keeps trying he is going to lose the one person that loves and cares for him the most. he said you are going to move on and i will realize what i have lost. i said yes that is true. i am not going to live in limbo forever. i love you but i cant love enough for both of us and i cant do this all by myself. i said you think i might be lying to you when i tell you that i see you spiraling down. i said you know you are not happy. you do things that is not you and you think that is going to help. then i know she is pressuring you for a divorce but she hasnt even started one herself. i said you have to make descions about your life and your health. i hope you have a wake up call soon before its too late.
he said he had to go because he had customers coming in and he wanted me to call in back. but i fell asleep ( i work 3rd shift) i didnt get a chance to.
his birthday is saturday. i bought him a few gifts(cd and movie) going to give it to him in the morning.
i want some advice on what to say to him?
helppppppppp!!!!
bsj
( my other post was TEEN DAUGHTER SPENDING NIGHT WITH DH AND OW) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

no one can advise me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

How about making him an album for his birtday???
All the *good memories* pictures...............dating pics, holiday pics, wedding pics, children birth pics and and and.............you will not even have to comment them..........it'll give him a great dash of reality and it will for sure get him thinking!!
bb

the only thing is that OW might throw it out. she has been known to throw out things before or things have came up missing. the movie i bought him was actually the Tyler Perry play called Why Did I Get Married. It is really good and it talks about couples and marriage and an affair and the out come of what can happen when you think the grass is always greener on the other side.He loves his plays. i hope he gets the message and sees the light

I'd give it to him at his work and maybe he'll know what to do with it, so that ow does NOT throw it away.
I just recall my husband telling me that it really got him thinking when I reacted loving and non-pressuring..........it brought *fond* feelings up in him towards me and freaked him out.............(he didn't understand himself)

I think that when people are involved in affairs, they don't think logical............they react "Emotional", therefore if you are aware of this.....go for that.
You know your husband better than any OW..............and remember, he's in the fog. And from what I have experienced, foggy people react very high to romance and emotions...............

You can use that for your benefit. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Looking at an album will bring back good old memories an feelings................you will not even have to say anything..........well you might just want to "Thank him" for the wonderfull years and the beautiful times you spent together.
This will work "subconciously"............you'll be getting him thinking about past, fond memories without even pointing them out.

I have to go now.............I'm writting this in the middle of a Puppy birth. My dog is about to give birth and she's growning.
bb

be sure to make copies of the pics if you decide to do this. Paste the copies in the album and keep the originals.

thank you for the idea.
i made one for him that day. i gave it to him at work. it had our high school pictures, wedding pictures, family pictures and other pictures he hadnt seen in a long time. i wrote little comments to each picture. he called me later on that day and said it took him about 7 times to get thru the photo album with out crying. he said he had forgotten alot of those pictures. he thanked me over and over again. i hope it got him thinking about things. i have been kinda down this weekend. because of his birthday we always went to a certain place and i cant get myself out of dumps. then OW planned a surprise Bday for him. my sil and mil said they are only going because of DH not OW. i just been getting so sickly feeling here lately when i hear OW name. and alot of anger. am i going nuts? you think i would be use to hearing her name but i cant stomach it.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You will always hate OW's name. You need to make sure your anger is directed at the person and NOT the name. That will take time.

You conversed well with the WS and made good headway.

Keep up the good work.

Take care,
L.

Hi,
it does sound as if you've gotting him thinking. I'd back off now abit and maybe it'll sink in a little more.

As Orchid said, you're always going to hate OW name..........it'll always be a reminder but within time it does get better.

The OW's name in our situation is Monika. I HATE it and then again I have to *chuckle* because her intials are "ML". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'M sorry that you're feeling down but please think........give this time and don't pressure. You know your husband the best..........
If he's reacted this way (about the album) you do seem to be on track. Just back off now and Do everything possible for yourself. Take the best care of yourself and your well-being.

hugs
bb

i know i try to direct the anger in the right way. sometimes it is so hard because i feel that she is up on this pedestal and all i want to do is knock off it with a good thump!!! maybe since his birthday passed this will help some. for st pattys day i am going out with my SIL and MIL. they have ask me plenty of times finally i said yes. i guess i feel guilt for going out even though i shouldnt. sometimes i leave right before my daughter comes home from midnight bowling (my mom is there) and just to arrive after she does so in case he asks or drives by i am not there. Thank God for 24 hour walmart!!!!
he kepts telling me things are not the same with him and OW but i cant believe him. he says that she dont treat him like i did. that he feels like he is under a mircoscope all the time with her. i try not to comment because i feel my blood boiling when it comes to her.i change the subject.i hope that he realize what he gave up for her and she is not worth the trouble. he was keeping the photo album at the store so she couldnt get ahold of it. he said that was one of the best bday gifts that he ever got. he was emotional maybe it had to do with the fact that i wrote in the front of the album that i had left some pages blank in hopes we can feel them with new memories but if that dont happen that i would always treasure the ones that we made together. and i hope as you look thru you will remember our good times out weigh our bad. i will always have a place in my heart for him. i thanked him for the times he was there with me which was holding me after my dad took his last breath, for letting me be his support when his brother passed, for being my best friend and my soulmate, and i thanked him for giving me our beautiful daughter. i was crying my eyes out when i was writing it so i hope it would touch his heart.
now where do i go from here? i do have to call him to remind of some things i need out of the garage at the other house that he was suppose to bring over.
thank you guys for all of your support. i know you guys have helped me alot and even though i feel alone sometimes i know i can always get on here and find caring people that understand what i am going thru. even though sometimes i get tough love i know you guys tell me the truth!!
thank you!!!!

Hi bjs220,

I'm sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes reading that last post, as I recall that I buried my dad and grandpa with my WS at my side. She was supportive and loving and now she wants to separate to "think about whether I want to TRY and work on the marriage". My father didn't get the chance to know her, or to see us get married, but my grandpa who passed away last year loved her dearly, like she was his own flesh and blood. More so that her own grumpy, selfish grandfather. So many bittersweat memories.

I pray all goes well for you. You are truly on the right track and you WH's response seems to be at least positive. I hope I can be as strong as you

update
talked to DH today he was sick with his blood sugar in the 400's this is after his shot i told him that he needed to go to the hospital but of course he wouldnt listen. he said he didnt feel good all weekend. which i didnt either but i didnt say anything.OW got him a puppy for his Bday which my heart sank some but i didnt say anything. he said that he would not forget ours(yeah right) he misses them terriblly.I said well you have to be the one to tell them that you got a puppy. i not.he just laughed and said i will have to stop by and bring the puppy by. i said i dont care but i am not babysitting. (this puppy thing will be interesting because i was the one who potting trained both of ours and there was someone always home with them during the day)
Needless to say that it was pretty much our conversion but i couldnt sleep all day because i was worried about his blood sugar. i called my SIL a couple of hours later to see if she had talked to him(he was home and so was OW)she said breifly she said she is really concern about his health. she said even at his party he was not happy or feeling well. she said she thinks he is miserable as much as i am and OW is just sucking the life out of him. he just dont care bout himself and it is so upsetting. i told her i dont know what more i can do. i have done everything possible to try for this relationship to end. she said she knows. she said that OW INVITED HER HUSBAND TO THE PARTY!!! you believe that. and she dont want him to talk to me but yet she invites her husband to her boyfriends bday party. my SIL said he was there for about 20 minutes then he left. she said that said part is that he seemed like a really nice guy. am i missing something here? that just dont sound right. DH had told me that he comes over there and she tries to get him to be friends with her husband. DH said he is very uncomfortable because of the kids being around. I said well until you stand up for yourself it will continue.

sorry seems like i am venting today. i just feel anger but sick about everything and i cant do anything.

I would send HER a diabetic cook book so that she may know how to care for the man she swiped, and also one on puppy
potty training for the unsuspecting canine sould she legally obtained. JMHO 22D

i know i get mad at myself for caring so much. but how can you just stop caring for someone?
as far as the cookbook i dont think she evens cooks. they eat out all the time.
and the past 2 weeks it seems like i cant get him out of my head. and i am driving myself crazy.
is that normal?
sometimes i feel like i am losing it... and that i could just burst. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

sometimes i feel that i am holding out for something that my not happen. i know he still has strong feelings for me. i just dont get why he is with her. she is so demanding for her needs she can do what ever he wants but when it comes to him he has to do what is told to him. i know i know i have to learn to let it go. i think i could if he was happier than what he was with me but he isnt. and now that is health is becoming worse i am scared that any moment that i will lose him forever!!!!!!!!! i just want to go and pack her things and move her out myself. i know i cant stand him dwelling away with her!!!! help so advice here i can sure use it.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Listen to the whole thing before you shut off this post.

U need to let go. You are holding onto the tail of a wild WS and A. Not the OW but the WS and A. You can't hold onto a WS.

What you worry about is your H. This is a prime time to put pressure on the WS and the OW. How?

By demanding they meet each other's needs. Of course they can't, all the more reason to demand it.

I recall the OW's original taunt to make the WS happier, healthier and wealthier than he ever was with his family. That hurt big time. We were basically struggling because H was not good at finances but thought he was. He played the stock market and lost. He expected me to recoup his losses and I did to some extent but it got tiring. I warned him NOT to make me use up our savings and that's about the time the A went live.

Still I knew in my heart I was doing my best but I was not longer able to protect H from the Ws. I had to let go. His own doctor who knew of the A, warned WS that he was headed for a major breakdown in his health. That's when it dawned on me to use OW's words against her. It took a while but when I developed the courage, I slammed her words back at her through the WS. I demanded they both show me the $$, demand he show me he was healthier and demand he be happy because of our misery.

While my H didn't have diabetes, his health declined enough that he was under treatment of a cardiologist for a while. That did scare me but remember who put him in that stressful position.

My giving up on the WS meant I gave him back his guilt and I meant to destroy the WS in order to give my real H a chance to escape.

That's where I think you need to be. You love your H but you should NOT love a WS.

L.

i know what i need to do but it so hard. i prayed so hard today to God for him to lift this feeling that i have been having. just to keep my mind at ease where i can sleep. i do have to say i felt much better and was able to sleep some today. i didnt talk to him. he called but i didnt pick up. i just did not had it in me today to deal with him. i just feel that i am walking around in a daze. and i am just waiting to snap out of it.

bsj220

read exactly what Orchid wrote:


Read this over again!!!! This "can possibly" be the key to success in your situation.

No matter how hard it is for you...........back off.

Let them deal with the stress of a new puppy! Let them deal with your husbands health issues. This will be the only way for your WS to see that the "other side isn't greener"!

Oh, btw...........I breed dogs, so I know how much work "potty training" is and I know how frustrating a pup can get if you're unexperienced.
I've experienced something interesting throughout my years of breeding........(I'll try to find the right words)

Many times I've noticed that a puppy sorta "symbolizes" a child........I've had childless or patchwork family-couples come to me wanting a puppy and after awhile they splitt up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It's as if it's a hidden wish for a child or a romantic gesture representing a child. (do you understand what I mean??)

The pup (at the beginning) resembles "romance" but within time......it just gets frustrating. Mostly after a few puddles and piles.........

Don't you dare send them any books about "Potty-training".........

Back off and let "reality " set into their lives.........and have patience. Keep yourself as busy as possible!!! and remember, the more you back off now.....the more your WS will be "thinking", it'll confuse him!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

bb

bumping up

thanks for the advice
i talked to him today briefly mostly about our daughter's 16 birthday and what we are going to plan for it. the OW name was not mentioned in our conversion.i plan on keeping it that way. i was reading some posting about dont ever refer OW by name it just makes her a person. so that is what i am going to do from now on. if she is spoken out i will refer to her as the OW.
i know i have to start taking care of me more and stop all of the worrying like i do. but how? i try to fill my time up with my daughter and her schoolwork. the weekends is what i hate the most. she is with her friends alot of the time and i am left alone. we plan at least one thing together on the weekend but i know she needs time with her friends and i make sure she gets that.