talked to him once i got home from work to remind him of our daughters choir concert that was tonight. he said he will be there.
that was basically our conversion. they were long pauses between like both of us was wanting to say more but we didnt.
he called me at 430pm and ask what time was the concert i told him 730pm he said okay.
when i got over to the school i dreaded walking in the auditorm i was scared i was going to see him and OW sitting together. But he was sitting by himself so he motioned for me to come over. he was on the end so he stood up for me to pass. i think he assumed that i was going to sit right next to him but i skipped a seat and put my purse in it. he had a strange look on his face but didnt say anything.
i had recieved some papers from the insurance in the mail that he was supposed to sign which just states that his name is on the deed with mine but he dont live at the residence. i said i have a paper for you to sign for the house insurance they said they had sent you papers and had no response.
he said i received them but i am not signing them. i said why? it is just stating that you are on the deed but you dont live there. he just shrugged his shoulders and changed the subject.
what is the big deal about that? i didnt pust the issue any further i thought i would wait a day or two and try again.
so during the concert every 10 minutes or so he would ask me for something. Do you have any mints? do you have any gum? what time do you have? i thought i was sitting near a 5 year old kid.
but half way thru the concert i notice him blinking his eyes alot. and he was rubbing them. i ask him was he okay and he said everything was blurry to him. he said he didnt have time to eat before he came over to the concert so he thinks it was his blood sugar going down.
i dug thru my purse till i found some peppermints. (the mints i always have is mostly sugar free but these werent.)
so i gave him a couple and after 10 minutea or so he seemed better.
i left after my daughter performed so i could come home and get ready for work. when i told him i was leaving he ask why i said i had to go but our daughter will still be here she is riding with one of her friends. he said okay.
he told me to have a good night at work.

so that was basically our interactions today. should i be doing more? i dont know. i know one of the songs the choir sung tonight was called "think of me" i am thinking it is from Phantom of the OPera. but i was teary eyed. thank goodness the lights were dim!

i know baby steps. so far no sign of OW. he mentioned to me that he had been calling around for car insurance.(remember OW add him to hers) so whether that is a good sign or not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

he has never mentioned us yet.
i am disappointed in that. but i know he has to go thru withdrawal from her.
should i call him during the day and talk to him or will that confuse him more? i know he has to do everything on his own.
but i am scared if i show lack of interest he really wont break it off with her.
men dont like the fact of being lonely....
he has mentioned to me numerous of times. he said that is the one thing he is scared of the most..
why is that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

BSJ,

I just wanted to interject one thing...when you thought he was acting like a five-year-old, you were seeing his questions not as connection, were you?

You can choose to believe you're real...you're who he really loves...and to believe every look, call, and question are his choice to connect to you.

I'm not saying he wasn't acting like a child...I believe all WS's are living their lives from their inner child...which is a prescription for disaster for adults! However, I saw you being respectful, self-contained, present and solid in your Plan A (though I would have sat next to him unless you are in Plan B...I haven't read your thread...but then, you wouldn't have been talking to him or choose to be in his presence if you were in Plan B).

I think you're doing great in not assuming, jumping to conclusions or picking the worse assumptions to stab yourself with...big kudos from me. You're an exemplary BS trying to save her marriage from what I read!!!

LA

P.S. Just saw your second post. LOL. I'm typing as fast as I can! Your expectation to hear your WS contemplate the marriage he has been attacking isn't that reasonable yet...choose not to expect and your disappoint will go away. And you nailed why this is a healthy choice...because withdrawal will be more of the same...if you are in Plan A, make those love deposits. If his ENs are conversation, affection, attention...which IS connection and presence...then call him with simple O&H statements. Listen and repeat. You can't confuse him more, BSJ...he's a WS.

He knows you're there for him, doesn't he? You have stated to him your goal...to save your marriage, right? Then trust he knows...if you're doing a modified 180-Plan A, then maybe one call a day...look to the middle ground...only act from your love, not from manipulation...not based on his possible response (to whether he'll be more confused or more attracted). He's half your marriage...which is a union...no loneliness in that...so stay your course and know your own motives thoroughly, align your actions with your intent.

Why is he most scared of feeling lonely? He has a fear of abandonment, which may sound strange because he's abandoning...really, same fear, flip side. Good question to explore when he goes NC, moves back and recommits to your marriage, doncha think?

(darn long PS...sorry 'bout that)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thank you for the encouragement. i guess i think about it too much. i know has bad as i want to know if he has contacted her i cant be questioning him about that yet. i know that OW has to wither away.
and yes i drove past again on my way to work just to see if her car was there. NO OW CAR! so i guess that was good.
now he could have been talking to her on the phone i dont know.
i just want to make sure i dont come across as nagging. once he says that he wants to work on our marriage then i will set up the NC i know right now i guess i can only be a loving friend.
we were the type of people that always kidded around with one another. we would send stupid messages back and forth on the phone. you know joke around. i know he didnt have that with her.
i know no matter what i do still really care for him and i know that he does for me. i have read alot of posts on here about WS's and mine was never as mean as some of them that i have read.
so far at least!!!!
but i know one of the OW demands were that he file for divorce before she would come back.
he has never ever mentioned divorce. so i guess that is a good thing huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by *Blondblossom*

yes it is hard.
i dont want to come across to strong. i dont want him to get the idea that he can come straight from their bed into mine.
but i know what you are saying. i will do that in the morning. he is usally getting up when i am on my way home. i will send him a text message.
something like:
time to wake up sunshine!!!!
if you dont get up i will have the send the kids over to wake you up!!(our dogs)
and you know they will do it!!!
i will just tell them that their daddy has scooby snacks hiding in his bed.(LOL) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

what do you think of that?

Time to wake up sunshine!!!! How about Breakfast in Tiffany's??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

i sent text to him this morning. got a text back saying that he was up and going to take a shower.
did not hear nothing else from him all day till 430pm. this is after fil called me, sil called me and mil called me wanting to know if i knew where he was. i told them he is probably with her. my fil( which i dont really speak to that much because i feel he is the start of everything that has happened)said no he wouldnt be he told me he was tired of all the bull----! i said i would bet you money right now that is where he is. he said i hope not you would figure by now he would have learned that they cant make it together.
so 430pm comes around dh comes by my house. he dropped off some money to me.
he said you probably have heard havent you? i said yes. i know where you were. i said well did you get everything settled between you guys. he said no. i said well how about if we would get a divorce maybe that would make it easier on you and her maybe you can get some peace not having to worry about me as your wife? he said dont ever say that. that is the last thing that i would want to do.
i said well you have a lot of soul searching to do then.
he nodded his head. i turned and walked away.
so before i came to work i sat down and wrote him an 8 page letter about my feelings, our memories and i do love him and i want him to be happy even if it is not with me.
i told him that something has to give. he cant sit on the fence no more. i felt i have done everything that i could do to show you i still love you.
i said i have been your friend, wife and everything else and i cant take it no more. i told him that i loved him enough to move forward from this dark era in our lives and dont look back what has happened. but i cant do that by myself. if he wants me and our life he as to give up her. no contact what so ever.
if he wants her i am willing to give him a divorce so both of us can move forward. i told him the ball was in his court now.

well just before i went to work tonight he called me and told me that he picked up his blood meter finally and he was going to bed. but our conversion ended up leading to some of the topics in my letter. there was no hostility in our conversion. i told him that every day i struggle to deal with the fact that my husband lives with ow. i just cant do that no more.

i told him that i wrote him a long letter that expressed my feelings and my thoughts.
he said that he knows he loves me and that he dont want to give me false hope about anything. he said that he has hurt me so many times and he hates himself for that.
i ask him i said can i ask you 3 questions? i said you may not have the answers for me right now but i would like to have the answers tomorrow they might require some serious thought from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
he said yes go ahead.
#1 why when i offer you a chance to break free from me why did you say not to even say that about us divorcing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

#2 do you see yourself with her in 1 or 2 years from now married to her or still living together? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
if not why?
#3 over the past 10 months have you really been happy?

he said wow those do require some thinking. he said i am so sorry for all the pain i caused you whether you believe it or not i do still love you. i hate myself because i am so confused. i know what i need to do and what i want to do but i cant. he said i know you really love me with all your heart. you told me before that love is an action word and you are right. the way you have been thru your actions show me that you really do love me.

i said it really boils down to whether you still love me and will to commit to me only.
he said i know. i said well i will drop the letter off to you in the morning. he said he will try to write me one as well trying to express how he feels. and answer my questions.

so now i am at work and i am so mentally drained... i know some of you might not agree with what had taken place. but i could tell in his voice that he was speaking the truth. he was really crying. he has been a very emotional person. that was one of the things that i love about him. he showed his feelings.


okay i am ready for the comments and smacking on my forehead or what the heck did you do?!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I just wrote a long post............and it got lost!!!!!
I'll try again.
bb

bb
what happen to you?
i am ready for the speech because i know i probably shouldnt have done that!!

I did a similar letter. It was effective. In my case it didn't stop the A but it sure weakened it.

It is good to see a WS confused. Sad to be happy at someone else's expense but WS' aren't human in their thought process so it is best to want to see them defeated. It will then leave your H with a way out.

JMHO,
L.

b,
a friend just came over, so I had to stop. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes situations call for a reaction and you did great!!!

You now know that your Plan A got over to him and that he knows that you love him.

Good thing is that you also know that he is confused. You knew that before and you know if from him now too.

His affair is (Âla Book).............not unique and if you understand the concept of MBers, you wil see what happens in advance.
He is breaking down............he's full of guilt and yet, he knows what to do and he says "he can't"..........well that's fogtalk.
As long as he has contact with OW, he'll be jumping between the lines.

Give this time. It good that you set some boundaries and it's good that you mentioned divorce.

I said something quit simular to my husband. i told him:

I love you and I always will and my main concern is to see you happy. I thank you for the past years...........they will always be special. I want you to be happy in your life and if this means that I have to let you go in order for you to be happy, I will do that. If it takes the OW to make you happy..........then I wish you all the luck in the world and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Thank you again for the past 25 years, you're a great man and you will always have a special place in my heart.

I told him that..................and I backed off............he's told me many times that it was this reaction that he never expected and it was my reaction that didn't let him go to OW because he knew he loved me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

b, just be aware right now..............both your ws and ow will be going through withdrawel. I don't believe that OW will simply let him go................remember, affairs are like an addiction.

Stay on track.................and PLEASE!!!!Don't tell your WS about MBers.............at least not now!!! IMPORTANT
Don't educate him...............
bb

i know it felt like it was something i had to do and it help to get alot of emotions that was bottled up from inside of me out.
i guess i just dont understand how he is confused. i know it is fog talk. i have to admit when i seen him today he wasnt smiling he wasnt happy he was sad looking. like he disappointed me again. i cant change his decison
i just have to wait it out.
how did you get thru the waiting period after the letter?

You pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Then you go and keep yourself busy.

I allowed my time here to serve a dual purpose. I helped where I could and posted when I needed help. I was very busy on MB (as you can see from my count - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ). Much of it at the beginning was help I needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Then I learned to give back.

You can also get a hobby or get involved helping others with voluntary work or other worthwhile pursuits. If all else fails, let me know.... I got windows that need t/b washed. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Post deleted by *Blondblossom*

SHE'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well at least her car was there tonight when i went past. i knew it was coming though. i shouldnt have gotten myself so hoping that this was the true end to them. i have not spoken to him since saturday morning. which ended up being a crying episode for both of us. he kept telling that he was so sorry for hurting me and he dont want to do that no more. he said he didnt want to get my hopes up and then he would hurt me again.

i told him everyday that we are married i have hope that we can reconcile. i think about everyday for the past 10 months. i said every day you are with her is hurting me. i told him that the only way to stop it is closure. whether either me or her. as much as i love you i willing to let you go if it will make you happy.

he said why are you talking like this? i dont want to talk about divorce. he said i am still confused. i said well you have been seeing her and talking to her so you must really miss her. if there is closure with us then maybe your life wont be so confusing. you have one less person to worry about.

he said i will always worry about you. i will always be there for you and help you any way that i can. you will need me for things and i promise i will do everything i can to do that for you. even if you happen to be with someone else. he said i love you.

i said no once there is closure i wont need you. i will have to do it on my own. there will be no contact. no friendly conversions. the only thing we will have is jess and that is it. i dont want to see you or her, i dont want to hear about you or hear. i cant take no more.

then he got emotional and he said you know i am not a mean person. he said i have a big heart and whether you believe it or not i am hurting just as bad as you are. he said yes i am with her but there is not a night that dont past that i dont think of you.
i said why are you telling me this? i said i cant believe that you tell me that you think of me when you are laying next to her.
i said i want bother you anymore. i will leave you with her. so maybe you can work it out.

there was not no yelling just a very emotional conversion. he tried to call me several times this past weekend after that i didnt answer.
then today i get up and on my porch was some landscaping lights and a note with 40 dollars in it. it just said happy mothers day and it was not signed but it was his writing.

why is he dong this do me? why cant he let me go if he wants to be with her?

i kept myself busy all weekend doing yard work. i am so drained. now he has me confused like him!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
sorry not a good day today... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

bump

I just wrote a long post and $§%§&" it's gone again!!!!grrrrrrrrrrr

b,
are you strong enough for Plan B????