My wife recently had decided to divorce me while she was away at a military training school. During her stay (and without her demanding it) I decided to quit drinking, get control of my anger and turn my life around. I have.

She decided to give us another chance, but in the meantime developed feelings for another man (married, also in the military). She says nothing physical ever happened between them, but he made her feel really good when they were together and she wanted more from the relationship at times.

Since returning, she has stayed in e-mail contact with this man, although he has yet to divulge the friendship to his wife. She says I have to trust her, and that if we weren't at such a terrible point in OUR relationship this man could have been a very good friend. She said she was the pursuer, mostly, but that she has come to terms with her feelings about the guy and it's in the past. No phone calls have been exchanged, and the contact is entirely through work e-mails.

She said this is something I have to understand, and that she will not tell me about their correspondence because that is her business. She says they only talk about "chit-chatty" stuff and that there is no improper communication. I believe her that it is over, but there is this lingering feeling that there is more. I think the relationship will whither on the vine with the distance and the lack of possibility of future contact. Can I or should I trust her that she can keep this in check?

My thought is, "NO".

She has acknowledged to you this man "makes her feel good" meaning he's meeting needs of hers at some level. The fact that she "wanted more from the relationship at times" means she's vulnerable to him and anything he might decide to do. He is clearly meeting (or met) very important Emotional Needs of hers at a time when you weren't (or still aren't). This is a very dangerous relationship and has a great potential to be an anchor to your marriage and future together.

If she met him at a training school, then it sounds like they're in the same MOS/AFSC so they may possibly run into each other again -- deployment, training, exercises, etc.

So, you can try and be a better husband -- fix the issues that drove her to the brink of divorce and hope that she will forget him. While you're doing this, she will continue to "chat" with this other man and keep her feelings for him alive at some level so the next time they meet on TDY or deployment, she will have a harder time resisting her feelings for him.

The only way she is going to be able to focus on your marriage and the changes you are making and the better husband you are trying to be for her is to stop all contact with this man. Period.

Do you know enough about him to contact him yourself and get him to cut ties? Explain that you think HIS wife should know about the "friendship" and see if he backs off?

Keep posting and be sure to read through the MarriageBuilders info on Plan A, Emotional Needs, etc.

Your XW's actions there are telling you a lot, but I don't think you're listening. SHE's giving YOU a chance? SHE tells you to trust her, but chooses to act in an untrustworthy manner? She pursued someone else, a MM? She chooses to continue talking to him, knowing that you're bothered by that, and wants to keep her communication with the MM secret?

Why do want to try to develop a LTR with this woman? It seems clear to me that it's all about her and she has little respect for you or your feelings. A M to someone like that will likely end up being a disaster.

I suggest walking away. Oh, and exposing the EA to the OMW.

Your wife is having an emotional affair, probably a physical affair that will grow into much more unless and until you do something to stop it. One does not go backwards from lover to friend, that is unrealistic and they should never be in contact with each other. Not that I believe they are "friends" now, that is a ruse to throw you off their path so you won't interfere with her affair.

No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair. You have a right to know each and every word your wife speaks to this man. Of course you should not trust her. It would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person.

If I were you, I would place a keylogger on her computer and get the goods. Once you get the evidence of the affair, you can confront her with it and inform the OM's wife. That might just kill the affair right there.

I do think it may be a good idea to contact him, but I would wait until you get the evidence. Call his WIFE FIRST and inform her of the affair BEFORE you call him. DO NOT WARN OR THREATEN HIM because this will blow up in your face when he pre-empts you. Telling his W about the affair will increase the chances of the affair ending with 2 people watching from both ends. Plus, she needs to know about it.

This won't be easy, Gaylon, but with a little hard work, I think you can bust up this affair. Once it is busted up, you will have a chance to save your marriage by working on the problems. But there will be no recovery until the affair is ended, so you have a lot of work on your hands, my friend.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

A good keylogger is eblaster if you don't have constant access to her computer because it will email you the reports, along with all emails. If you do have easy access to her computer, I would install spectorpro. You can download either online at : http://www.spectorsoft.com/

ummmmm no. This is information about your life to which you have right to know. You have a right, as her husband, to know every word she utters; you are entitled to know this. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO THE PRIVACY TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.