ok where to start.... married 5yrs together 15yrs 31 yrs old 2 boys 5 and 3
we have been separated for only a week now... she is the love of my life and will do anything to save our marriage... I have been on the puter every night reading and reading on how to fix everything.... but right now she tells me she doesnt want to fix it .... doesnt want to seek outside help she is a big girl and can do it on her own. she basicly told me we grew apart... there is no spark... no passion and she doesnt want to have sex with me.... she hates sex.... she loves me to death and doesnt want to hurt me but she doesnt think she is in love with me.

now what hurts so much is that I always felt loved by her... like insane kinda love madly in love with me... I mean we had our problems like anybody else but i never thought she would leave.

I think she thinks she is not in love with me because of her low sex drive and it was always a problem for us... her not wanting to have sex with me so me thinking she doesnt love me and me threatening to leave... ya i was an ****** ... but i feel I am more educated now and know some woman have low sex drives and it doesnt mean they do not love their partner.

she told me she wonders what it would be like to kiss somone else and she wants change tired of the same routine.

everything she told me seems like we can work on it to fix it but she doesnt know if she wants to ... i told her I think its normal to think what it would be like to be with someone else... but she thinks that means she is not in love with me.


i cry myself to sleep every night and lost 10lbs.

oh ya when she packed her things to leave she was very emotional i thought at the time that was a good sign ... but now I dont think she is coming back...

I seen her last night I told her I need to hold her and kiss her so she came over and cried when I kissed her... but still told me part of her wants to see what its like... I asume she means someone else.

my whole family is shocked they all say you guys were so in love.

We still talk on the phone cus we have kids but I dont think I can live without her... I try to give her her space and time but its hard... cus I feel if I give her space i may lose her.... I only felt the distance between us the last 2 months.... should I just let her go and focus my energy on getting over her.... I just dont think I can live without her I love her too much!!

sorry for the long post thanx for any replies

oh ya I asked her a million times if there was sombody else or does she even have the slight bit of feelings for someone she says no and I believe her cus she is a home person loves to be home with the kids on a friday night and now I think she had enough of that and wants to go out more.

we still share the kids my oldest 6 decided he wants to spend one night with me then one night with mom and keep rotating.... he is the best.

Hi MMW. I am no expert on here but your position sounds very similar to mine at the minute. I too am seperated from my wife who i love and cherish very very much. All i can suggest is that you read through my thread. It has some great advice on there and has helped me tremendously during this very difficult period of my life. I have also lost alot of weight (28lb) and seeked medical advice as also depressed. AD were prescribed and are helping a little. Go to Doctor and see what he says. Don't worry about her sex drive, that is the least of your problems at the minute. You say she is tired of the same routine, life is a routine but you can change that. Do something different from the normal, if you take the kids to the park normally, take them to the zoo etc. Little changes will break that routine. I am trying hard to get my wife to come home using the techniques that i have learnt on here and although no result yet i slowly see changes in her attitude. Best advice i have had on here is step by step, day by day. Stay strong, read lots on here and apply the techniques. Stay strong, keep posting and the experts will guide you through.

miss_my_wife - Others will be around soon to post to you, so I'll keep it brief.

Having heard the same sort of things from my wife 5 years ago, I understand what you are feeling and thinking.

But now I have to "splash some cold water" on you to get you to put a "brake" on those raging emotions and begin to start helping yourself, and potentially helping your marriage.

Your wife is either having an affair or is thinking she is homosexual. You know her best, so you choose.

No, and I mean NO, wife in a 5 year marriage with her high school sweetheart, with 2 small children just "suddenly" decides she is not "in love" with you AND moves out UNLESS there is another man waiting for her.

It is now time you turn yourself into "Mr. Master Detective." Go through your computer with a fine tooth comb. See where she spends her days, and nights, etc.

By the way, WHO watches the children during working hours since she is no longer at home?

Separate, immediately, ALL finances from her. Change bank accounts if you need to, but stop her access to joint funds. You need to be thinking of protecting your children from the insanity of a Wayward Spouse (WS).

Find out in your State what the "legal separation" requirements that precede a divorce.

Did she move into an apartment? Where did she go?

Here's the "hardest" one for you to "get your mind around" right now. Your marriage is already over. She chose to end it. You have two options left....straight to divorce and sue her for abandonment....or you can "suck it up" among all the pain you are feeling and force yourself to "man up" and DO what is needed "no matter what" if you want to try to save the marriage and rebuild the love she thinks is missing.

One last thing, if faith plays a part in your lives, then there is also a "church family" that can help.

God bless.

I agree about another man being somewhere in the picture. It could be just an emotional affair, and she doesn't think of it as an affair.

Does she work outside the home?

ok I dont think there is another man... she just started work only 2 weeks ago... and for her to meet another man I dont know where she would have met him she never goes out... and as far as the money goes we do have a joint account but she said she is not going to use it and she hasnt... she actualy helped me out and gave me $400 to pay some of the bills.... she is staying at her moms right now and kids are with my mom or her mom in the day and we split the nights and weekends with them so far.

remember I kinda said to her that i wasnt happy with our sex life about 2 yrs ago now... and she said she has been living in fear for 2yrs now that i was going to leave... but I had no intentions of leaving just trying to make things better...

MMW,

Something is up. It could be via the internet. It could be a friend that she talks to. It could be a lot of things, but the odds of someone else in the woodpile is very high. It could actually be someone she has met at work. Two weeks is plenty of time to find an attraction to someone else.

And she has hinted that she wants to explore. Pay attention to the advice you have received. Also go talk to your MIL and find out what she knows and what she thinks. Most women confide in someone.

Hang in there this is a long road and these are just the first few steps.

God Bless,

JL

Sorry man, nobody leaves a M b/c they are afraid that the other person will leave. ????

You need to start snooping and be on the low low with it. If your wife finds out that you are then she will go deeper in and make it very hard to find.

I too think that another guy is somewhere. Why???

"she told me she wonders what it would be like to kiss somone else and she wants change tired of the same routine."

Big red flag -

u guys were right she has feelings for another guy... she kinda likes him.... and she has been talking to him on the phone since we were seperated.... I just cant believe it

Sorry we were right.

Let me say your M is not done and over. You will have a lot of hard work to do, but it can be done.

Stick around and we can help.

First thing - read about Plan A.

Second thing - find out who OM is - you will need to expose to his wife (if he is M).

Best wishes

So who is the guy? And was he in the picture before you separated? I would bet yes?

Sorry that this happened, but the classic signs were there. Now you need to do some spying to see what has been going on.

just got off the phone with wife and told her I need closure ... are we going to try and fix it or is it over... she said she wants to move on.... I dont think I even want to save our marriage now.... I tell her everything that i have read and there is still hope for us if u want to make it work... she said thats just it she dont think she wants it to work.... and if she made the wrong choice then she will have do deal with that.... i told her I'm keeping the house ... she said she owns half...I said we will work something out... I'm not selling it.... the thing is it hurts but it seems like there is a load off my shoulders and i might be able to move on.... or just go sleep with someone.

the guy is chris and he is not married.... she said she thinks he is handsome and has feelings for him.. but nothing happened ... she thinks I'm freeking out over nothing.... but I confronted her about him before when she was going to a dance with her sister and I found out he was going and she didnt tell me.... I knew he liked her... right now I say ****** her and move on.

The starting place for you is Plan A. That includes showing her what a great husband and father you can be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. Also please don't go sleep with someone else.

Part of Plan A is exposing the affair to friends and family. Sometimes when you shed light on the affair, it ends.

Your wife will not regain her feelings for you until Chris is out of the picture. Until then, she will be like a drug addict, forgetting everything else that used to be important to her.

Now is the time for you to remain calm and make a stand for your marriage and family.

Get your emotions under control and don't make a rash decision you will regret for the rest of your life. Not to mention the Kids.

Expose her adultery to people who can influence her behaviour.

Read up on Plan A.

Man UP!!

MMW,
Read up on Plan A right away and get Surviving an Affair (SAA) and Love Busters (LB) and His Needs Her Needs (HNHN)!!

Who cares what you or your WW want right now? What about your kids!?!?! What do you think they want?

Ask yourself this question:
"What am I willing to endure for the sake of my children?"

The answer to that question is what allowed me to Plan A long enough to cause my WW to choose her family over the OM. If it wasn't for my kids, I would have walked away, but what better reason to give it a shot. If you do everything you can to preserve the world your children live in, you will always be able to look them in the eye and tell them you love them and would trade the world for them. Protecting your family is your number one job as the man and the father. Please do not abdicate your responsibility to your family. Please.

ok she didnt comit adultery yet... not even a kiss she said but calling him on the phone i think is the first step... just her telling me she has feelings for someone else is enough for me.... I think I am done... I feel big wieght lifted of my shoulders cus I was racking my brain tring to figure out everything and driving myself nuts... and what am i supose to do if she wants to call it quits... I educated myself quite well over the last 2 weeks over the internet and I try to relay the info to her and she doesnt want anything to do with it.....
oh ya i would do anything for my kids and what kills me the most is I asked her to make sure this is 100% what she wants and is she ready to let someone else into our 6yr old life.... she said he will have to get use to it!!! I say what a ******!!

Oh, ho-hum, that is what they all say while they are babbling away. The kids will get used to it, they will adapt, blah, blah, blah.

We've seen this over and over and over. She doesn't want to fix the marriage, hear about ways to fix it, work on counseling, because she is in the midst of a fantasy. Chances are good the man is a jerk - why else would he be interested in a married woman with two children?

This is still a HUGE shock to you. Please give it some time to think about. Your boys deserve an unbroken home, and your wife is temporarily insane, so that leaves YOU to do the work.

She may not be involved in a physical affair yet, but she is involved in an emotional affair. In my book any kind of affair which she is ready to abandon your marriage is the same. Just harder to break up affairs when they have progressed to bieng physical.


Please read SAA before you decide you are done, or better yet, read SAA and call to make an appointment with the Harleys.


This, my friend, is a Disrespectful Judgement, in my opinion the most isidious of the LB, because you actually believe that you are doing her a favor by "straightening her out". I am a DJ master, errrr or was still have to keep an eye on that. Don'y try to manipulate or modify her behavior...focus on modifying your behavior. See below for Mr. Wonderings list of Do's and Don'ts, reviewing these every day or several times a day helped me develop good habits for plan a and remove bad habits


Plan A is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. It is not rewarding while you do it and it goes against your pride and ego. But when you gain the perspective of hindsight, you will feel the power of knowing that YOU held back the tide of the inevitable by an act of will.

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Brief threadjack - Gameface - Good on you. For someone so new in this, you have it down.

Believer, thanks...first read SAA in Y2K, re-read it this year. Shame on me for thinking I could "fix" things all by myself and not requiring buy-in to MB principles by WW the 1st time around.

MMW - Please do not repeat my mistakes. Plan A has worked for me twice. You can do it too. Once you have shown your WW what she could have with you, make sure you BOTH get with the program.