Hi,<BR>Calling all you old timers!! A few interesting things have happened this past month. My ex and I hadn't talked in about 3 months. He called about a month ago on the premise that he had mail for me, and wanted to know what to do with it. I thought this was strange, as he knew my address and could have very easily just mailed it to me. During this conversation, he said there was a part of him that would always love me, that he missed me, and apologized for the way he treated me on our last meeting. We had a pretty good talk, we both cried a little. He didn't ask to see me, just asked again about the mail. I told him to mail it to me. I too told him that I missed him and would always love him too, but I am/was still wary about his angry outbursts. He said he wasn't mad at me anymore. He said he wanted to keep in touch and I said I did too.<P>I thought about this for a couple weeks, wondering if that was his attempt to reestablish contact, or if he was just being nice. I'm so confused! I wrote him an e-mail, saying that I understand that he is not mad at me anymore, that I still love him and I wanted to see him. No reply. I wasn't even sure he got my e-mail, so I called. Come to find out, during those couple of weeks I was "thinking", he was moving to his parent's place near Boston (I live in GA). I had previously asked him in the first call if he was planning on moving soon and he said he didn't know (but I think he did). Anyway, during this last call, he admitted how horribly he had treated me over this past year, that he was a terrible person to do that. However, he still seems to be sending mixed signals about contact/friendship or any hopes for a future with us. Him admitting that was probably the bare minimum for me to want to talk to him. I told him, thanks for the apology, but that I didn't call to dredge up the past, I simply wanted to talk to someone who had known me for a long time, and to see how he was doing and ask him if he wanted to go sailing with me that day. We had a real nice talk. I'm pretty sure he is not dating anyone seriously (he took his brother to his company's annual meeting in Hawaii). Right now I'm just waiting to see if he'll make the next move. What do you think? Is this just another step in the gradual "withdrawal" on his part? I'd like to think that since he took the initiative to apologize, etc. that ALL hope is not lost. I told him that if he was in town sometime, I would take him sailing... Oh, one more thing. When I called him in Hawaii, I forgot about the time change (it was about 3 am there). I got his answering machine, and he actually called me back...at 3 AM! I even offered to let him call back later, but he wanted to stay on the phone. I think we're both confused, but I'm not sure how to take the next step. Or if there is any step to take.<P>I've tried dating the past month or so, but still feel married in my heart.

Hey, Student... Been wondering about you. Particularly thought about you when a discussion started yesterday on whether or not to tell the spouse about the affair. You might want to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/008124.html" TARGET=_blank>check it out.</A><P><BR>On your news... I would imagine any contact now is good. I’m thinking his admitting to the Angry Outbursts is a big step for him, right? You might want to initiate a <I>little</I> contact, just to see what direction things are going in his head. I don’t see how you can have a close relationship with someone as in a marriage and not really miss them when they are gone. Don’t get your hopes up too much, but it’s worth checking out, right???<BR>

Hi Student. <BR>One of you has to make the first big step. Either of you seems too shell shocked to do it. Just taking baby steps. If you really want him, put yourself out there. Keep in mind it leaves you vulnerable for regection. I would hate to see you get hurt again. But maybe he has changed. If so then there has to be an agreement to put the past (bad stuff) behind you. <BR>I hope this is the beginning of the beginning.

You said you still feel married in your heart. To me that means that you should act on that feeling. Rather than give you a lot of advice I'll include the words from a Billy Joel song that I think applys. Good luck with your new relationship with your ex.<P>And So It Goes – by Billy Joel<P>In every heart there is a room<BR>a sanctuary safe and strong<BR>to heal the wounds from lovers past<BR>until a new one comes along<P>I spoke to you in cautious tones<BR>You answered me with no pretense<BR>and still I feel I said too much<BR>my silence is my self defense<P>And every time I've held a rose<BR>it seems I only felt the thorns<BR>and so it goes, and so it goes<BR>and so will you soon I suppose<P>But if my silence made you leave<BR>then that would be my worst mistake<BR>so I will share this room with you<BR>and you can have this heart to break<P>And this is why my eyes are closed<BR>it's just as well for all I've seen<BR>and so it goes, and so it goes<BR>and you're the only one who knows<P>So I will choose to be with you<BR>that's if the choice were mine to make<BR>but you can make decisions too<BR>and you can have this heart to break<P>And so it goes, and so it goes<BR>and you're the only one who knows

TheStudent,<P>Well, it's been a week. How about an update?

TCL,<BR>It has been more than a week. I haven't called him and he hasn't called me. Since I'm the last one who called him, I'm waiting for him to call me back. I'm really coming to the conclusion that, no matter how much my ex tells me he still loves me, how sorry he is for whatever, how much he *wishes* he was a bigger person, the fact is---he is not willing to put forth the effort. Oh well. It is only a matter of time before I don't feel married in my heart anymore. I did my year + of grovelling and begging for him not to get a divorce. When he called and said those things recently, I thought he had a change of heart, so I told him that I still loved him. I gave him another chance to come around. So, I'm finally at peace now. I've finally convinced myself that I've done everything I could and gave him sufficient time to consider his part in our marriage. I must move on now....

TheStudent,<BR>I agree with you. You have done all that you can do. However, as long as he is not married there is still hope. Now is the time to pray about it and let God do the rest. I feel your pain from your post. Thank God that you at least get an I love you that has some feeling in it. You have to look for the small enjoyable things. Gary Smalley calss them pearls amidst the bad things (horrible paraphrase from "Making Love Last Forever.")<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

professorg,<BR>I've stopped praying for my H to come back to me, but instead have prayed for peace and forgiveness. It is still an uphill battle to forgive myself, much less my H.

TheStudent,<BR>Don't pray that he will come back to you. Pray that God will change you so that you will be able to forgive yourself and so that he will see God's light shine through you. When that is in order, then there is hope of reconciliation. Don't let Satan ruin your dreams: it sounds like you would love to be with him and that you miss him dearly. I can relate to this because I feel this way and my W has not left me. When you pray, pray for God's best for you which is not always what we want. We let our wants get in the way of what is truly in our best interest because our wants are usually very selfish not taking others into account. Pray that He will change you to do His will.<P>When your H sees the changes God has made in you, then he may come back if it is not to late. I pray that God will give you the peace that you want. I know He will once you give Him total control of your life. The guilt will subside significantly. I can't say that it will go away completely because there are things that I still feel guilty about that I wasn't able to do for my W and still am not doing very well now. Yet, I know God is showing me what He wants me to do. Things are looking better. I just need to be patient and wait on Him to answer the prayers. He works in His time not ours.<P>I am praying for you. MONDO HUG!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

HI Student!! So nice to see you again. More later-have to work and think about what you wrote. (((hugs)))