ok ppl thanx for everything but I am new here
what is SSA?
what is plan A?
there is so much info on this web site I get lost
what is a wayward spouse?

oh ya should I call this guy and tell him to lay off and stay away .... I'm sure I can find his #....
the thing is I dont realy get along with her mother so I'm sure she is telling my wife she would be better off.

SAA - Surviving an Affair
LB - Lovebusters
HNHN - His Needs Her Needs

Plan A is described in SAA, but is in a nutshell, meeting her emotional needs and not Lovebusting while at the same time establishing boundaries on behaviors that you will not accept from her, like for example, having an 3 person marriage.

Wayward spouse is a spouse that has become addicted to the feeling of euphoria that an affair provides and makes whacked out decisions, lies, wounds those that love them, acts totally selfish...etc.

you may have missed some posts that had some of that info in it.

No, do not do anything that provides your WW any ammunition or "justifications" for her actions. Also, if worst comes to worst, you do not want to get into any kind of altercation that could negatively impact you getting custody of your kids.

You need to have a plan that is well thought out (post ideas here and the experts will give you sanity checks). You then need to execute the plan and not act impulsively.

Please start to formulate plan by reading the website Basic Concepts and then go to the bookstore tomorrow. Read SAA 1st and then LB.

ok on to plan A I guess... so let me get this straight did some reading on the plan A&B
so I am to aske her or negotiate with her to break all ties with OM... and try to fulfill her emotional needs...
but this seems to me to be the problem she doesnt want me to fulfill her needs ... we talked before she left and she knew I was willing to chnge and do whatever it takes but thats not what she wants... and she said she has to want it in order for it to work... and still says that.
and if she willl not cut all ties with OM... I do not want to move to plan B.
I can not take her back if she goes ahead with the afair and just sit back until the afair is over.

oh is it a wise choice to change my MSN messanger display name to somthing like "wife has feelings for somone else"

or would this just fuel the fire... my friends and family are on the meesanger and so r hers.... I alredy told my mom and my sister... my wife was very close to them so they r hurt also.

Hey MMW,

Don't change your MSN name.

Don't tell your wife about this site, for now anyway. All WS (wayward spouses) think we are a cult. We're not, but that is what they think.

Over on "Just Found Out" part of this site, I think the 3rd or 4th post down will tell you what all of the WW, WH, Dday means.
You are a BH (betrayed Husband) she is a WW (wayward wife) that is having an EA (Emotional A). Reading there will help lots.

You are no diff than when I came here last June. I found out my wife was talking to and "falling" for a guy she worked with. Had gone on for about a year too. I have 2 small kids so walking away was not the answer. What did I do?
I plan A - making me better overall and exposed the EA to OMW (other mans wife). Does your wife and OM work togther?

What I want to tell you most today is that your M is not "just over and done." The things your wife tells you is so very common around here that I think there is a thread where people post these things they say.

Try to get a feel for what your wife's needs are and work to meet them. If she likes family time then start doing more things as a family.

You can save your M. I know it sucks and who the he)) is she (your wife) to put you in this crap to start with. MANY - heck I think all of the people here know your hurt and pain.

**the weekends are slow around here. Good time to read about Plan A. You can find it above in the Harleys part of this site.

Ok buddy???

ok but I thought plan a was to expose her EA to friends and family.... that is why I wanted to chsnge my msn name ... just so everybody stops asking question and now they know.

for all u BS out there I dont know some of u move on to plan B !!.... Plan B is not for me.... I can not be with her again if she goes ahead and has PA... I am quite confident in myself to be able to find someone else who will love me.

as my wife told me I am a great guy and an great dad and has nothing bad to say about me but we grwe apart.

Ok buddy, I hear your pain very clear. Please remember that this is all very new to you. You need to take stock of things here. I'm sure you don't want some other guy playing daddy to your kids - do you?

This may just be an EA, but still an A is an A - all bad. You need to work on keeping this from going to a PA.

Are you ready to start the hard work?

wif esaid she is not going to cut all ties with OM ... and is going to still talk to him... says he is just a friend and she likes talking to him... i told her its a EA and it will lead to PA.... she said she wants our marriage to be over.. i am just going to move on and give her space ... but if it leads to more than an EA .. I am done.

MissMyWife:

Do you really?

We call certain posts 2x4's around here.

And I'm about to deliver one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

You have been threatening to leave her for 2 years, because you are not getting SF from her.

You find this site, and others, 2 weeks ago.

You "tell" your W how she can get better, look what I have learned!

And in your first postings, you do not know what a wayward wife is. After two weeks of reading.

So.

Stop lovebusting your W.

She's gone, and it's mostly your fault.

Although, so far, outside of saying she needs to give you SF or you are leaving for the past two years, you were perfect.

You can blame "Chris" but "Chris" only showed up recently.

You have known your W for 15 years.

And in your second to last post before this, you state:



And you can go out on the prowl again. Missed alot since you married your high school sweetheart.

Now, 2x4 over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You have got to pull your head back into this M. You have 15 years of History that are going to go "POOF" if you do not start listening to the excellent advice given to you so far.

"Chris" or someone NEW is going to be spending 6 days a week and every other weekend with YOUR KIDS if you do not put your head back into this M.

Your W is in the early stages of at least an EA, if not a PA.

And as amazing as it sounds, when a spouse is feeling neglected and ignored, it is really easy to get involved in an EA/PA.

I am not taking your wife off the hook for her decision to go down a path she shouldn't have, she should have come to you to try something different to work it out, or even came here to MB beforehand, but she didn't. So we get to work on you.

And you can be very successful. Because it is early in her Affair.

And you can learn an awful lot around here about the dynamics inside your M and although unique in some respects, are so very similar in story to others.

And then start working on the things that you need to be doing to stop this A, Bring your W home, and start building a better M.

Because you do not want to go back to the "way it used to be" Because that M had you threatening to leave, and her actually leaving.

You want to go to something better.

And there are alot of examples of that around here.

And you need to check all the "things" you know about your Marriage at the door. And start learning how to do it right.

There is WAY TOO MUCH AT STAKE to be cavalier about the road ahead. Or to think that it will be easy. It the hardest thing you will ever do.

But it the right thing to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

ok... I am not willing to give up!!! I am not just going to let 15yrs be thrown away that easy.

but.. I need help
how can I meet her emotional needs when she is not living with me... and not willing to recieve them from me.

What are you real W's ENs....not the WS' ENs.

L.

I just asked wife if she would fill out EN's questionaire and she said she would If i need her to ... so I guess this is a start... I will give her the LB one also.

MMW - I may be totally off beam here but I have to ask you given your posts on this thread....

Have you already found another potential partner yourself?

hmmmm... I wonder how u got that out of my posts... but anyhow u are good!!

did i find a potential partner... no
do I think of potential partners ... yes
do I want another partner .... no

Hi MIW,

Firstly, welcome to MB. You are getting lots of advice from the experts here, and they really are experts and give good advice. Listen to them and consider what they have told you. Although everyone has a different story to tell and comes from different scenarios and backgrounds, the stories are all strikingly SIMILAR. Almost every WS does and says the same things, its scary.

My story is pretty similar to yours at this point. My WS started drifting apart, spending a lot of time with a coworker who was a lesbian. I suspected, but didn't believe my wife would go down that road. We drifted apart, had lots of arguments in which she would tell me it was all because she wasn't happy, it was my fault, my temper etc etc, until I found out that she had started a PA with the other woman (OW) by confronting her with SMSes on her phone which were more intimate in nature.

To cut a long story short, I exposed to her management, some of her friends, her parents and mine. As a result, she had to leave that job, and cut off contact with OW for a while, but started talking to her again while she was serving out her notice period. Her mom (like your MIL) is also taking her side, and tells her if divorce or separation will make her precious daughter happy, then she should do what is right. My family is devastated as they all love her very much. But I tried to plan A since January.

After taking a 2 week break and staying at her mum's place, during which time I have no idea if she's been in contact with OW or not, she comes back last Friday and says she wants to separate, to move out and share an apartment with her friends. She also says she's unwilling to work on the marriage and has convinced herself she was really unhappy with our marriage, that she wants to have the freedom to be single again etc. It was devastating as I had hoped she would at least try to work on the marriage after she returned. It was very much like the death of a loved one, when I thnk of all the memories and stuff we shared and did together, I broke down and cried.

She's moving out end of the month. And I'm still trying to plan A, following the excellent advice I've gotten from MB. If not for them, I think I would have divorced her in anger, or would still be floundering around, just reacting to every move she makes and allowing her to sit on the fence and cake-eat instead of making positive, proactive steps to save my marriage.

I may still lose her in the end, but following MB principles at least I can look myself in the mirror and know that I really tried to save my M and that the decision to end it, to forsake her vows was hers and hers alone.

Most of us have been where you are now. Hang in the bud <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What you are considering is what is called a 'revenge affair'. I've also walked down that road.

"If she can do it, why can't I??"

Well, you can. BUT,

1. It would make you an adulterer, no better than her
2. It would be wrong and terribly unfair to the other woman, not to mention your kids. Do they really need more confusion in their lives?
3. We're better than this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Get a divorce if you want to move on with someone else, and take some time to recover before you do that. Unless you want more 2x4's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

yes I hear ya... I have no intentions on throwing another women into the mix right now.... cus I think that is waht my wife wants ... so it makes her decision easier and she will have no guilt.

I just dont want to sit back and let this EA turn into a PA

MMW,
Hey,
Now that the weekend is over, more of the experts will start chiming in to help. I can see a couple things though that are only going to make your situation tougher.


This is the right decision but the rationale is all wrong. Your decisions now should be focused on doing what YOU think is RIGHT for you. You will not be able ot make any changes or sustain them if you are not doing it because you feel it is the best for you. The fact that you are here and you have recognized that you need help says that you know you need to make changes in yourself.

Stop reacting to what your WW is doing an focus on what makes you a better man/father in yourt own opinion. Being that your WW is in the midst of an A (E or P) she is going to lie to you and say things to deliberately provoke you. My WW filled out the EN questionairre for me while she was in the middle of a PA. She said her #1 EN was FS and she would be happy when I was making $250K/yr. Did she do this to show me how "hopeless" is was for me to keep trying? I think so. We may be recovering now, just over a month from DDay for me. Anyway, you cannot make these changes for her, but because this is the goal you set for yourself as far as the kind of husband or father you want to be. She may like those changes, if so, she is lured back to the marriage, if not, then you at least know you are a better man and better father anyway.


Yes, when a woman is the wayward, PA is harder to break up becasue she typically has more emotional investment in it, but the truth is, you cannot stop it. Reread that, You cannot stop the EA from becoming a PA. Only your wife can stop it. What you can do, and I guarantee that if you have a good plan and good execution, you can do this, is...YOU CAN CAUSE YOUR WIFE TO CHOOSE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY OVER HER AFFAIR.

The way is to stop LBing and start meeting her EN. You may need to snoop and expose the affair, but that is just an add-on. The real key is that you make yourself into an option that is MORE ATTRACTIVE than the affair. The most effective way to do this is to stop LBing and start meeting EN. If she will not be honest in telling you what they are, the play the percentages. Conversation, Affection, Family Commitment these are pretty common for women, but also, hit the gym and lift weights, run, get fit and strong. Develop your hobbies, become an intersting person that has things to talk about OTHER than your marriage or relationship. Those topics are too heacy for the two of you. If you will get some time alone with WW, go see a movie or something that takes the pressure off. Right now you want her experiences with you to be light and fun.

Review these, commit to memory if possible, before ANY interaction with your WW:
DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP