had talk with WW on the weekend... and she was crying.... saying she is scared of everything.... sometimes ifeels like she is making the right choice and other time she is scared... but what i got out of the talk is she wants to take the risk and see what happens on her own... but yet she looks into my eyes and tells me how handsome I am and she just wants to grab me and squeese me.... but she wont let herself do that... it seems to me she knows this is a misstake.... but she thinks it would be to hard to fix things with us... and so this is something she has to do



my mind is gone craxy I dont know what to do!!

Quote:
ok ... is there any happy endings out there when u have a WW
does she ever come around.... I dont know if I can be like some of you guys and wait 6 or 7 or 1yr for her to come around..... do i have any hope... fill me in on some of the rekindled marriages when there was a BS and a WW.



MIS just chiming in... Cowboy up!
I have been the the Sh&t since novemnber. I may go down but will do so swinging. Ok I say cowboy up cuz man this is one wild bull ride with a rank bull. There is no 8 sec buzzer, no clown to pull oyu off, your hung up on the Bull...

We all said what your saying mee too. (look at my book here) we all have indecision and confusion, depression goes with the turf... We (well I) and scared too.

So how do you do it, Take it one day at a time, one foot in fromt of the other... We all say we can't make it that long... your atronger then you think. reach down and garb a pair and hang on as long as you can... the pro will guide you... yes exposure is nasty... dud an anologuy someone told me is you are at war with your ww for you marrage... To me it fits...

We are /have been where you are, we are here for you and have your back. lean when needed and give a sholder to others to lean when tou can...

Jim

read my stich

"ok need some more help ". I just read your story. First let me say that I am sorry that you are going through this. I myself have a FWH. I hear what you are saying and you are confused. Right now you need to focus on her needs. If she thinks that the other man is something that she wants, then he is meeting a need that you are not. YOur mission is to find out what that is and start supplying her with this need better than you ever had. She may be feeling that she doesn't meet your needs and that is why she is upset also. I know that for my H he needs to feel appreciated. I wasn't doing that for him. He felt that he gave everything to me and I wasn't happy. Which wasn't true, I was so happy, just stressed with the daily grind. We are working on making our life more simple by cutting back on time at work and trying to spend more quality time together. HAve you tried flowers? Tickets for to to her favorite thing? HAve you tried dinner? What emotional needs are you trying to reach. I know starting with this and continuing to work on LB was helpful to us. OF course, we thought things were good enough to become comfortable again and slipped into this groove again.

Sorry, I am babbling, I really just want to leave you with one thought. Can you think about how you feel that your so upset that finding another would make things somewhat more tolerable. This (the way you are feeling now) is the way your spouse felt before she left, When you were feeling fine. DOn't be too hard on her, try to understand that you have hurt her too. NOT THAT WHAT SHE IS DOING IS RIGHT!!!!!!! but at least it is easier to understand when you can think that she feels so hopeless she is doing this. YOur job is to make her have hope again by meeting her needs. It makes it sad when they have this feeling when you love them so much. I read my quote below the week before I found out about the affair. When I reavealed, the affair, it helped to think that I loved my H enough to think about what his ENs were before I thought about mine. Hope some of this helps- good luck and be strong!

one thing i have not done yet is contact OM... I was thinking of sending him an email... but dont know what to say.... WW tells me he is a nice guy and doest want to come between us... but he already has... WW tells me it is her doing all the initiating... and for me not to have any grudges against him.... if he was such a nice guy I told her he would say come see me in 6 months or so when u and ur husband have everthing figured out.... he is away working now for 3months.... so should I send him an email... and what should I say.... I'm afraid if i send the email it might push WW further away.

Okay first of all, he isn't a "nice guy" if he is having an affair with a married woman. And, I assume he is an adult who is capable of making his own decisions, so even if WW was doing the initiating-he participated.

Also, if he is away with work right now, it sounds like your WW is going through withdrawal with OM gone. Plan A with a full court press!!! (watching a bit too much of the NCAA games) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have you done the EN questionaire with her or just yourself? You might get some insights into what to do for her.

I don't know what you've already done but if you haven't read the basic concepts or other things on this site, I'd recommend that. Reading it again couldn't hurt either. Oh dear, that's the English teacher in me coming out...

I have been through this too. I actually called theother woman on the phone- she hung up. I was very polite, but it enraged my H. He was telling me how controlling this was. I would be careful with this. It may sway her to the other direction. I think you should spend your efforts on meeting her needs while he is gone. What have you done to meet her need for affection? That is a big one for most women. Has she filled out the EN questionairre? what needs do you need to meet? Fill them or he will.

she filled it out... but didnt give it to me yet.... but thats the thing if she wont let me fill her EN and doesnt want to recieve them from me... how do I do that.

You figure out what she complained about before the A and work on changing those things.

Then you start blindly meeting needs. Try conversation, domestic support, and admiration for starts. Also will she go do anything with you? It is important to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

ok ppl its been awhile sicne I posted but you ppl have been a great help... so heres the update... things were going good between me and my ww wife over the last 3 months always talke to each other and stayed friends... and my hurt did go away... and believe me I thought it never would... so i came to the conclusion that we were no longer going to get back together... so just 2 weeks ago I told her there was another girl that I might start seeing ... i told her this because she asked me to tell her this if I ever started dating someone to let her know so she doesnt hear it from someone else... and so guess what happened .. I get a phone call from WW wife 6;30 in the mornig crying saying she cant imagine life without me and she loves me to death and she is very jealous of this other girl... she said I am not supose to be with anyone else but her! So I think this is great and I ask her does she want to come she says she doesnt know... but she wants to talk about things... again great for me... I love her sooo much!!! so she agreed to tell other man she is not going to cal him anymore( he works away) and she is not sure if she is gonna get back with her husband OM agreed he will not call her again until she figures out what she wants.... so it was all staritng to look good for me.. it was like all you guys told me the fog will lift!! and it seem to be lifting... so the last 2 weeks we spent alot more time with each other going for long drive geting icecream and going for dinner... and giving eachother alot of kisses and hugs and she stayed here at my place a few times... things were looking good!!

until the other night she tells me again she doesnt know if she is in love with me... my heart feels like it just got ripped out of my chest again!! she still tells me she cant imagine life without me and she cant imagine me being with someone else... but she says she just doesnt feel the spark when she kisses me and she still has feelings for this OM and doesnt know how to let them go....

so if she is jelous does that mean she is still in love with me? she tells me she still has feelings for me... I just told her we get back together and work on the spark... but she is hesitant because she doesnt want to come back and it not work and leave again... I showed her this website last night and asked her to post on it and get you ppl to hear her side of the story and try to help her... she said she would but she doesnt want me to read what she writes so I dont think she is going to... she did start to seek outside help 2 weeks ago...so that was a big step but she still hasnt gotin in to see anyone.

what do I do?

thanx ppl

Tell her that you don't care that she has no feelings for you right now, but that all you care about is her having NC with the OM. Tell her you are confident that the feelings will come back, but that both of you just need to be patient and let it happen. You didn't get in this situation overnight, and it won't fix itself overnight either. Just reassure her that everything will be okay, she just needs to give it time and NC with OM.

is it too early for her to move back home.. or should we just give it more time? I just find it hard living apart and trying to work on things I feel she needs to move back in order to work on things.

It is ideal for her to move back home. You just need to take things slow if you do. It is better for her to move back because you can monitor her for NC more easily and you have more of an opportunity to meet her ENs. Don't push it, but if she suggests it jump at the idea. However, let her know that you intend to take things VERY slowly.

just reading ur post again guys... wife has been back home for about a week now... and 2 days ago she called OM to tell him that she is back with me ... but the thing is she cried telling him this... she tells me she just cried because she didnt want to hurt him and she did.. so that is why she was crying... but I dont know if I believe that.

some days are good with us and then some days I just look at her and feel like she doesnt want to be here and it kills me and hurts like ******.. I know its only early and we have to give it time... but some days I just dont know if I should tell her to leave ... just because it hurts if I feel like she doesnt want to be here...

she does tell me that she cant imagine living without me and I am all she knows and she loves me... but things are just different now....

when x-mass time comes she told me she wouldnt even open up the x-mass decorations if we were not together cus I bought all of them for her and she cant imagine decorating the tree without me... when she talks like that it makes me feel good ... but some days I look at her and ahe is just blank and doesnt want to be here or thats how I feel anyway .. she doesnt actualy say it.

I told her last night that I feel like I should just let her go... cus we have been seperated for 4 months now and I was getting use to sleeping alone in our bed and now that she back Im getting use to having her back and want to spend every miniut of the day with her ... but I feel that she can leave at any point and I will get hurt again... do I let her go now so I dont get hurt again? or take my chances and hope things workout.... the thing is I love her to death and will do anything for her and do anything to fix our mariage so I should take my chances and see what happens.... BUT!!.... I dont know if I could take it getting hurt again... I feel like I would not survive the second time.

what do I do?... and what would I do without you guys thanx so much!

anyone out there tonight?

Quit telling her that you feel like you should just let her go. Chances are good to save your marriage. Ask her to at least do some reading here, even if she can't post. Most people who stick together end up happy. Most people who divorce end up miserable.

Spend 15 hours a week doing fun things, and encourage her not to contact the other man.

ok another update... wife is going to stay at her mothers tonight... says she needs a break from us to do some thinking... but its realy because Om is home now .. he was away for 3 months(works away) all she had with OM is EA talked to him for last 3 months on the phone.... and now she tells me she wants to see him to find out if the feelings she has for him are true feelings or when she looks at him all she thinks of is me and she cant go through with it... honestly how the heck do I put up with this bulshiit .... I am totaly back to square one again .. I cant eat and if i do I feel like throwing up..... and suicide is always in my head... I would never do it but why do I think like that? things where going good 2 weeks ago we did alot of talking and just cudling on the couch with a movie and she was kissing me alot more and telling me she loves me... and now he is home and she wants to see him to make sure she is making the right choice.

I explained the whole withdrawl thing to her and she kinda understands it..... I asked her just to make me one promise if she does go to see him to tell me first and dont do it behind my back.... I figure that I deserve that but she told me she cant do that.

is the pain I'm going through realy worth the fight... I realy cant imagine life without her... and she told me the same..... but she told me she never had feelings for anyone else in 15yrs only me and so what does this realy mean if she is able to have feeling for someone else.

I dont know what to do anymore I just want to give up on everything... her ... work... kids... house... I just want to dissapear.

It seems to be a bit unfortunate but your wife is behaving like a classic “cake eater”. She has you and she has him. She may continue in this manner if you permit it. But your choices are limited because your objective is to have her end it with the OM and return to the marriage. To complicate matters it appears to me from what I have gleaned from your posts that your wife does not think that she has already committed an act of infidelity. To state it clear so that there can be no misunderstanding “your wife is in the throes of an affair”. The physical aspects such as intercourse are a foregone conclusion on her present course. In fact, you should be prepared that the affair has already progressed to a physical state. Regardless, the advice to you is based on the emotional connection that your wife has made with a man outside your marriage and it matters little whether or not there was a physical side. In fact your issues would be much easier to counsel if your wife’s affair were only of a physical nature.

So, everything that is described above is the very typical “wayward spouse”. Your wife hardly has the market cornered. She wonders if the feelings she has developed for the other man are some kind of significant sign that she has found her “soul mate”. She questions that her love for you may never have been real in view of the fact that she has become attracted to another. Perhaps she may protest that the love that she feels for the other man is a chance occurrence that happened simply because it was “mean to be”.

Of course, none of what is described above are legitimate reasons for the actions that have happened. They are merely excuses for the simple fact that your wife ALLOWED someone access to what was reserved solely for husband and wife. Further, she really has no understanding of what inspires love between two people and how such love occurs and sustains itself. These are the things that she has yet to learn and I am willing to wager that you are as ill-informed as she is. This too, is normal. Right now, what you need to know is that, if she allows it, she can love you again. Remember this, ANYONE can fall in love with someone else, IF they both allow it to happen, even you.

You are unfortunately “where you are” and the ONLY way to open the door to reconciliation is for your wife to end ALL contact with the other man. She likely knows that what she is doing is the “wrong thing” but so long as the other man remains a part of your love triangle she will be unable to understand what has happened to her and will thus rationalize her way to create reasons why she should leave you for him.

So your first step, before any other step, is to not enable the affair in any fashion. In fact, anything you do to help end the affair will benefit your marriage. What can you think of? Prepare a list of any and every way that you can think of that will make her ongoing affair more difficult. Note, that you already have her back in the house and that is a good thing, but it falls far short of “getting the job done”. What else can you do? Consider exposing the affair to whoever might help end it. What about the OM’s mother?

I have to run now but, please, think about this. NO CONTACT is the key.

Mr. G

wow thank you that is some good advice... I never thought of talking to OM mother .. I dont know her but from what I hear she is a realy nice person... butwill this push my wife further away?... I realy think she might just lose it if I talk to OM mother... but it does seem like a good idea.

how do I bump your thread over to my other thread I started a new one.. "titled wife wants to see OM"