I’m at a loss of what to do anymore.

added 3-9-07
Moved from Recovery board.

This post in no way covers all. A big mistake of mine was taking 3-4 months revealing everything. Based on that, I've been told that the beginning of recovery probably only started at the end of Dec.
end addition

I know my choices to have an affair were just that, my choices. My VERY BAD choices. I feel I own every aspect of it and have told my wife. It’s one of the few things she doesn’t much argue with me about, leading me to believe that she has seen it too. In fact, she has told me she never felt like I made excuses.

I feel the pain of the decisions I made. I don’t know how to describe it, other than a knot in my stomach, chest tightening, and many times on the edge of tears. I know she is in constant pain that affects every facet of her life. I know I am not good at expressing or comforting emotional pain, but am working to be better. I recognize her pain, but often don’t do enough to comfort her. Other than hugging her and telling her “I’m sorry I caused this turmoil”, I don’t know how else to comfort. I can feel the hurt.

I am searching for answers regarding my character flaws that I let surface and override my knowledge and belief that what I was doing was wrong. I lied, abandoned, betrayed and humiliated my wife. I disregarded the effects it would have on the entire family.

It pains and embarrasses me to know I gave good parts of myself freely to someone other than my wife. To someone whose character I would normally have questioned.

I have held her while she expresses her pain over my actions and feelings. I don’t feel I’ve done as well with this as I should though. Most of the time, I am able to set aside my own guilt. Tonight, I was denied the chance.

I’ve apologized and asked forgiveness for many things. Recently, I was told they needed to be more specific and that what I have done is not enough. The couple things I have specifically apologized for, felt brushed off. While it may sound bad, I want more chances to prove I can do better at this.

I have started (for a few weeks now) making a point of asking her how she is doing, and making myself available for talking about it. Rather than waiting for her to bring it up. I know I should have been doing this from the beginning. I wish I could change it.

I have told her everything about the affair. At least, everything I can recall. I feel confident there is nothing more. Her gut tells her differently. It lasted 4 months and was happening 2 years ago. I don’t know what else she is looking for.

I answer all her questions to the best of my ability. Some things, I do not know the answers to, but am trying to find them. I want to understand “why” fully, before I try and muddle through a flawed theory.

I’ve set and discussed boundaries regarding contact with other women. Her only complaint is that she thinks I am taking it too far. We have argued about that. I will continue to act on the side of safety.

I have a copy of “the list” that has been posted several times, and I am working towards fulfilling all its contents. I know I’m not there yet. I know I’m working on it.


I don’t feel any growth or resolution of any of this. I feel my efforts are almost in vain. I am losing hope. Our marriage feels like it’s going back to the abusive cycle it used to be. I don’t want that, nor does she.


I’m fearful that this is the end. She has told me tonight that she doesn’t want to make herself vulnerable anymore.

Last night, I lost my temper where I said some intentionally hurtful things. I apologized shortly after, specifically for what I said. I have only lost my temper like that a handful of times over the course of our marriage. I’m sure that adds to the hurt it generated. Being on the receiving end fairly often, I know how empty an apology can sound and that the words will never be forgotten. Ain’t hindsight grand?

I feel like more will become rambling, if not already.

Thanks for any insight and/or advice.

Windstopped-

I am glad you are here. It sounds like you really do want to work on your M but I'm not sure you completely understand the process for your BW. I think you understand some of it, but I"m not sure if you can get to recovery without some help. Are you in individual counseling so you can understand why you did what you did?

Are you in MC? If not, have you considered calling the Harleys?

You have to realize that although it happened two years ago and it was only a few months-for your BW it happened new every time you revealed something new-so her hurt is very raw.

Until your BW believes in her heart that you truly understand the pain and devastation you have caused to her as a woman, wife, lover and friend, and the way your actions ripped apart what she thought was the truth about her life, she won't be able to get past this. I'm not trying to 2X4 you-I am just telling you how it feels from the BW side of things. From her statement that she "doesn't want to make herself vulnerable anymore" I think she doesn't yet believe you truly understand the pain you have caused her.

Your actions will speak the loudest.

My advice in a nutshell:
Don't give up.
Call the Harley's.
Get into IC and MC with a pro-marriage counselor, preferably one that uses MB principles.
Plan A her.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the fead back johnstwin.

I'm not giving up, just getting discouraged sometimes. It's tough not to. I just found out last night that she was kissing and dancing with one of our S18's friends at a party they decided to have while I was out of town. Not sure exactly when that happened. Turns out she's been holding it in memory for 2 months. During the past couple months, I've been blasted fairly regularly about O&H and how it took 4 months to get to all the truth. I'm a bit pissed about that atm.

Grrr....I don't need to be thinking about this crap at work right now.....

We are not in MC. Wife had first IC appt today. I am looking through the yellow pages now. I believe MC will be happening soon.

Calling the Harley's has been brought up. She doesn't like a couple of their principles though. No POJA there.

Hopefully, I will be able to convince her that I am sincere in wanting to be with her and build a wonderful future. I've seen a glimpse of it and know it's what I want.

I'll get busier on meeting ENs, empathizing and counseling.

What the hale is this about?

Drunken stupidity?

Apparently, he pulled her into his lap. They swapped a couple/few kisses. She came to her senses and left. I didn't want to ask for details. I want to process it for a few days, then ask.

This happened 6-12 months ago...I think. Not recently. I don't want to give the impression it just happened. I just heard about it last night.

My main concern at the time of telling, was ensuring I am safe to tell these things to.

She was "getting drunk" with your 18 yr old son and his friends?

It was a while ago. I reread and see where the impression could be gotten it was done recently.

Yes

Why is your W getting drunk with your children and his friends? Is it even legal to drink at age 18 in your state? Do the parents of this boy know about this? Did she give booze to these kids?

It's not legal. I don't know the answers to the other questions.

I doubt she was serving them. They most likely had plenty of their own.

Now is not a good time for me to be thinking about this. I'm at work.

She's really angry with how I handled this and has decided to leave for a couple days. Won't tell me where.

Was it wrong of me to post that here? I'm thinking not, but she thinks otherwise.

I just picked up a book about cognitive therapy. This event sure has confirmed some of my initial learning about myself.