Here is the sort version...

WW struck up friendship with Married other man - a neighbor.
Each of us has two kids - who play outside all the time together. Freindship has been going on for 2 years and turned into an emotional affair 6 months ago and physical 3 months ago. D-day was Feb 27 for me. Was apparently Feb 26 for W of OM. Quite by coincedince I understand.

I had suspected for a while.. yada yada.

WW has given full disclosure (in two parts).
Exposure to my parents, her parents, good friends, her employers, her friend, and one other person at each of our offices. Plan A. I want her in my life period. But man, full disclosure sucked bad. I made the mistake of getting too many details (such a thing) and now want to sell her car, and our chest freezer. OK, yes.. I deal with stress by humor... so excuse any jokes. I can assure you, my pain is real.

Anyway, things haven't been good for a while, and unlike most.. I take responsibility for that. Yes, she could have said no at any point. No point to get into that.

OK, here is the prob. I have had some communication with W of OM. We compared notes that has led to full disclosure on WW's part. However, we keep talking, and more details... the little things keep coming out. No, I don't want my wifes panties back. That sort of thing.

For MOM's part, full disclosure is still not there. W of OM is completely alone. She hasn't even told her mother. Other than me, she has confided with one friend in another state. I told her we couldn't do this. The human in me wants to reach out, but the husband in me can't. I think that makes sense... but the real problem is OM's exposure. He has none, and it is making me worried that all he has to do is lie to his wife, and then he can come after my wife again. Did I mention that things were bad between us for the last few years?

Not bad so much. I was completely unaware of it other than knowing I was a distant SOB. That changes. But withdrawl is real and this OM lives two doors down. I have told the W of the OM that one of us has to move, but I don't want to. I want it all of course. And my WW is being so good, seeming doing everything right.

So I want to tell the W of the OM that she needs to tell the world. But my therapist and my WW are telling me that I need to worry about MY house, not theirs. Still, our kids were friends. How do I tell to 7 year old girls they can no longer play.

OM and family went on Vacation 5 days ago. She came back without him. She left him there alone. Good for her. But I fear she is weak and I fear she may never give him the emotional validation he got from my WW. I fear he may never have a reason to agree to plan A and I fear she is too weak for Plan B.

I don't want to seem like I am taking responsibility away from my WW, but I sort of am. I understand why she went elsewhere. I can't say that I wouldn't have in her shoes. I also believe OM to be somewhat of a preditor. Prior to sex, he assure WW he had a STD test. Why whould he get one if this wasn't his first affair? Ever escalation was well planned on his part. WW told OM everything she wasn't getting from me, and he provided it as simply as preparing a recipie.

OK, you can see I am still in a little bit of denial, but I truley with all my heart think WW is going to turn into FWW. But he lives two doors down. Help.

Even now I get an email from WW telling me how horrible of a mistake she has made and trying to console me. We can't find another house in our school district that we can afford (yep looked) and why should we have to move. They should go!

Hi abacusdog,
I am sorry you are here, but it is a good place to be. I saw that you had not yet gotten a response and wanted to welcome you here. General Questions II gets a ton more traffic and you may want to consider reposting this there for more advice.

Here is what I can tell you about supporting OMW from my experience...
After d-day my FWH was remorseful and ended all contact immediately. We immediately started working a plan for recovery which included counseling, accountability with another couple, and sharing what we were going through with a few family members and close friends.

The OW and her H on the other hand, told no one, did not seek counseling, and in general did not deal with it at all. Within 4 months of d day they had filed for divorce.

The OWH kept calling me during that 4 mos. and initially I was trying to give him advice, tell him what we were doing to recover, etc...but his calls became painful to me and I knew that it was not helping my recovery and I asked him to no longer call me because it was not appropriate for me to try and help him and made me uncomfortable and upset.

So that is to tell you that you cannot be OMW's helper. Her and her H have to find their own way, and I don't believe it is beneficial for the recovery of your M to be involved in that.

Your situation is complicated by the fact that you are n'bors. You have to ask yourself...do you want to recover your M? If the answer is yes, then I will tell you, YOU MUST MOVE! You will NEVER recover your M living 2 doors down from them. Noone here will tell you differently.

Take a stand for your M and family and move. You will never regret it. Get into counseling and devour everything on this site. Taking the EN questionaire was one of the best things my H and I did in our recovery. Communicate like crazy. MOVE! A's have big consequences and this is one of them.

Also, we got rid of my H's truck the day after we had a question/answer talk and I found out it was the scene of the crimes. It was a nice truck, fully paid for and we ended up having a car payment, which we couldn't really affort, especially with the weekly counseling we now were doing...but you know, God was/is/will always be faithful to provide and we made it.

I am sure we spent over $3000 on counseling that first year, not to mention the car payment, the money for anti-d's, etc....I don't miss, regret, or feel the pain of one dime lost for the recovery of my M. You won't either.

Develop a plan for your recovery, that will give you the best opportunity for successful results.

Blessings,
Glad

Hello Abacusdog,

"Glad" gave you great advice and I'm so new at this that I will leave the advice part to the pros who will help soon. It is the weekend so things are usually slow on the forums, but don't give up.

In the meantime, read everything you can on this website and listen to the radio re-broadcasts. You are fortunate that your spouse is wanting to recover but it will take a long time and many sacrifices.

I do have one idea......start a list of priorities with your wife that will help in your decisions. What items that you have control of can and cannot be replaced? A house is a high priority but if it costs you your marriage, is it worth that?

Sorry for your reasons for being here, but you've made a wise choice to seek solutions through these forums.

Ace

ab, Glad is right on about moving. Unless you are prepared for a few more years of an on-again, off again affair, I would move. Some people don't mind dealing with affairs, but personally, I would not live like that. It is like dying a death of a thousand cuts. We have folks on our forum whose affairs turned into 4,6 and 10 year affairs because they ignored Harley's advice to move as far away as possible from the OP.

See, an affair is an addiction. If you live by the OP your wife will never withdraw and recovery will be impossible. That is like sending an alcoholic into the bar every day, setting a beer down in front of him and expecting him to never drink it. He stares at the beer all day and thinks of nothing else; he is obsessed with that beer. When the INEVTIABLE weak moment arrives, and it always does, he reaches out and takes a drink because the temptation is too great and the opportunity is right under his nose. This is why you can't live there anymore if you want your marriage to recover.

So, ask yourself which is harder, living with a few more years of on again, off again affair that will likely lead to divorce or moving and making a higher house payment? Which is more expensive, a divorce or a higher house payment? You will have to decide which. Those are your options.

For your reading pleasure:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Here is advice from someone who live around the corner from my FOM. I would strongly suggest moving. My suggestions is not based on whether or not close proximity will refuel the A, it is because the constant reminders will prolong the healing process.

Hindsight I would have healed faster, thus confessed to my H sooner had we up and moved after I ended my A. Finally after 2 years of not only living by, but also working with my FOM they decided to move. This gave us a real chance to heal and recover.

One other thing. If OMW won't expose, you do the exposing for her. After all, it will help with your situation. You expose for YOU. Find his family and expose to them. Who cares if it upsets OW? She is not your problem. OM is, and you need to deal with that threat accordingly.

OK, 16 days past D day.

Doctor has perscribed Abien 5mg for night and Lorazepam 1mg for the day. The anxiety can be overwhelming at times, and I have simply never experianced anything like it.

Remember, the OM lives two doors down. After he got back from Fla (where his wife left him without a car), he took a plane back into town and his family picked him up at the airport (was on 3/10). They went straight to b-fast, which was EXACTLY where my family was pulling into. They were dead in front of us in the parking lot. Good thing I hit the break instead of the gas ;-)

That night the OM left for Africa for a 7 day business trip. I simply dread his return. I have spoken to the W of OM (she is good, doesn't deserve this either) 2 times since my last post. She has spoken to a real estate agent. She and I have provided VERY LIGHT emotional support to each other. I say very light, because there is ZERO chance of retaliation on our parts. I am into my wife, not her. I made that very clear to her the first time we spoke, less there be that cloud hanging over us. We both laughed for the first time in probably days.

I do want to move, but the reality of it is catching up to me. I own a small business, and while I can move a zip code or two, I simply cannot move out of state or region. To do so would invite financial ruin. WW and I are working on our marriage, going to counseling. It may or may not work, but I have to accept it. To sell my business and start over would be unfair to my children's futures. "Man Up" I keep telling myself.

WW is being OK. I believe there has been not contact and no attempt. OM being out of country helps. I dread his return. My biggest grip with WW is her continued partial distance. Not as bad as during A, but still there. I have basically begun to court her again. Flowers, love, affection, etc. (Plan A, right?) It almost appears that "I" am the one who wronged her, and to a small degree I resent myself for doing it, but cannot help it. However, for her part she tells me that she hurt me so bad, and has so much to work out, that she needs a little space to get "right" with herself. Unfortunately, I had 6 months of the same line.

I want to believe her, but my gut is screaming.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot change someone else, only myself. I have pledged to simply expose myself to her... She owns a knife. She can be a part of our marriage, or she can cut my jugular and dance in the spurting blood. Her choice. I like to think I know her after 19 years. She is not a bad person, just someone who made a series of bad choices. However, should she revert, I will know that the reality IS that she isn't as good as I thought. Then it will be time to leave. No plan B, just surrender.

I want her with all my heart. I hope I can show her that "I" can be the one to meet her emotional needs. The father of her children.

Yes, I still have anxiety each and every day. I still sometimes (although more infrequent) dwell on the acts. On the specifics. On what she has done. On what they have done together.... but with each passing day the dots become harder to connect. It has been one month since their last physical encounter. Today WW got her period. 28 day cycle... I think to myself... came a few days early.. That sort of stuff.

I hope the OM moves. W of OM isn't sure she is going to move, or if she does if its with or without him. What would you prefer, that they make it or fail? I guess it would be better for me if they move and stay together. If OM was single, there would be more opportunity.

Darn, this is long.

OK, just giving an update. Even if they move, it will still be close by. OM owns a business just like me. I am not a G-d fearing man... but it is out of my hands to some extent. I can Plan A with the best, and being honest.... I am one heck of a lot more of a man than OM is. OM can't compete with me once I hit my stride. At least thats what I tell myself ;-). After all, OM cheated... I didn't. What quality do you think would be more attractive to a spouse?

I think my biggest problem is thinking of OM... Everyone advises me to stop re-living it... But its sort of like a post tramatic stress disorder situation, isn't it? It's the darn dreams...........

Thanks for letting me share. Just got my copy of Surviving an Affair. WW has agreed to read each chapter with me and discuss as we go along. Better than some I guess....

"She owns a knife. She can be a part of our marriage, or she can cut my jugular and dance in the spurting blood."

She will most likely choose to cut your jugular. It is next to impossible to recover a marriage with the other infidel living 2 doors down. She cannot go through withdrawal, which is essential for her to have feelings for you again.

"It may or may not work, but I have to accept it. To sell my business and start over would be unfair to my children's futures. "Man Up" I keep telling myself."

Your children's futures, I guarantee, will be more greatly affected by not having their mom and dad together than by not having funds for college...or whatever you were thinking financially.

You are experiencing PTSD...so will your kids if you divorce. And if moving away (far enough but not too far for your business...enough to narrow down chance of accidental contact to 2% or so) or divorcing ends up being your choice...which would you really choose?

I think you'll really enjoy SAA...and it will help your dreams, your current fixation on OM (very normal)...you're doing a brave and marvelous thing by choice...saving your marriage. Don't sabotage yourself, 'k?

In your corner,

LA

I started reading SAA and after 1.5 chapters (arrived yesturday) I am already glad I have gotten it. I think I am going to buy Love Busters too.

Anyway, WW and I had a breakthrough last night. She has begun to express her feelings of loss caused by the end (if) of the A. These were the things she claimed to be protecting me from, but I have been persistant and loving. As the bottom line is that I love her, I WANT to help her through her emotional issues every bit as I want to get through mine. Actually, I have hit a road block. I don't know how much further I can go until she faces HER demons. Otherwise, she will continue to put distance between us. She is still asking for more time...

OM should get back sometime this weekend.

I hear what you are saying folks about moving. But question... Would moving 10 miles, or 20 miles actually lessen the chance of a relapse. If they are still just a town or two away, I am not sure how it could significantly alter the end result.

I sooooo hope I am not doomed. I have been more understanding and forgiving than I though possible. I can not go through this again. I will simply run.

Yes, I am messed up. I wonder if I shouldn't up my sessions to two a week.... Course that's another story. Somehow in marriage session, I had waaaayyyy to much responsibility heaped upon me. It was uncool. I never had an A.

""I hear what you are saying folks about moving. But question... Would moving 10 miles, or 20 miles actually lessen the chance of a relapse. If they are still just a town or two away, I am not sure how it could significantly alter the end result.""

IMO, it would be better than having him 2 doors down. What stops people from relapsing when they live 1000 miles away? NC. It would be easier to have NC if you don't see him every day out and about in the neighborhood. For my H the constant reminders when FOM still lived in the neighborhood were rough. Now that he is gone from here it has been easier for my H to lose some of the anger he had.

Here is an update, our breakthrough of the other night is simply turning into a nightmare. While I understand the feelings she "had"... I can't get her to any sort of closure. She still has some feelings for OM. Using the book and this cite, I recommended a letter. She is refusing though. She wants to talk to him again to get closure. Without me.... She says it tood two to have the A and it only takes two to get closure, and I am not one of those two.

Her knife is ON my jugular.

I'll keep you posted.

If anyone is interested, I posted a sample letter on the Gen II site. I gave it to her. She has other idea's though....

God help me.

I sent out this email moments ago....

Against my better judgment, <OM> please call <WW> at <phone numbers>.

She has requested to speak with you, but has vowed to me to never initiate contact with you.

And while I think any private conversation is inherently bad, I have taken a vow to my wife for better or worse.

You have my permission for a ONE TIME call. Any additional calls will cause problems for <WW> and my marriage, which we are trying so very hard to reconcile.

Should this not meet with your (or W of OM's) approval, feel free to reply that you will never speak to her or our family again. I have written similar letters that remain unsent. All I ask is that this email not be ignored. Respectfully.

WW,
I love you.

I hope this brings you some peace, for better or worse.

BS

This was sent to WW, OM, W of OM and copied to BS.

You are an idiot.

You MUST move if you hope to recover and we practiced what I am preaching to you. OM was our next door neighbour and at great expense we moved away from him. Move as far as you can.

STOP worring about him or his family. They are NONE of your concern. Only thing you should be using OM'sW for is to ensure NC.

Your wife WILL have feelings for OM for a few MONTHS if not longer. Deal with it and get over it.

NEVER EVER initiate contact again.

Well duh....

But read your own sig line. D-Day was 20 days ago.

The best thing I could have done was the right thing. The worst thing was nothing.

She wasn't having any of the closure letter. Why, because she is still in withdrawl, and probably still has feelings for him.

WW's self esteme is shot. Not only is she dealing with the possible loss of her family, but she was close to OM, and it is all but certain that OM preyed on her. He prayed on the EN that was most lacking, admiration. WW was nearing a breakdown. I literally have my bag in my car for plan B.

So I sent the email. What did I have to lose? The response? "In my effort to re-resurrect my own marriage, I can not honor that request."

WW was convinced, even with exposure of the email to OM's W that OM would slather on admiration. WW was convinced she knew the OM so well and he was so good and caring, that he wouldn't be able to resist. OM stated he was going to leave his W if they were ever found out, and was "pretending" to go through the motions in the month before D-Day.

WW now KNOWS OM was full of feces. WW now knows she was played, which is EXACTLY what I was telling her since D-Day. This isn't OM's first A, and it won't be his last. OM actually was trying to get into the neighbor two doors down on the other side of me's pants. That was exposed to WW too, but she didn't want to believe.

So something as simply as his reply saying he wasn't validating her any more, has at a miniumum bought me some time (can't sell a house in 20 days) and possibly (too good to be true I know) brought a natural conclusion to the A, even though it literally ended with getting caught.

I know everyone would have me follow the SAA literally, but I was thinking on the fly. I used the priciples, but yes... adapted them.

The best thing I could have done was the right thing. The worst thing was nothing.

Still, I will take idiot. If it works, what does it matter. If it fails, I am not any worse off. Sorta hitting rock bottom in the last 48 hours....

The problem is, even though she knows she has been used, she will still pine away for OM. I'm certain OM is protecting his [censored], and as soon as his wife and you let down your guard, he will be meeting your wife for a little "closure".

Keep letting your wife know that you need her to mail a no contact letter -

OM - The affair was a horrible mistake. I love my husband and want to work on our marriage. I desire no contact with you forever.

Believer is dead right.

YOU MAKE sure there is no contact, you don't initiate it.

Can you afford to rent another house while you sell yours? There truely is no hope of recovery without NC. Regardless of what they say, the close proximity means the temptation will be too great. Sorry but that's just the plain facts.


I understand you need to understand that OM was a predator at this point. But eventually, whether that is true or not, you will come to see him as nothing and come to see that it was 1000% your wife's choice.

Why is your bag packed? It's way too soon for Plan B?

Believer, Big K.... love you guys. Thanks for putting up with me.

You may find humor in this. W of OM called this morning to tell me that WW opened 2 new emails and pinged OM in IM. OM told his W immediately (upon his next use of IM). W of OM called me. I confronted WW. She claimed it was on Friday, that she was so devistated by need to contact OM (for closure... falling of the turnup truck), well before yesturday's contact. It's possible, but with so many lies.....

Anyway. I basically got the NC letter from OMs family today, which of course I forwarded to my WW.

Then WW sends an email to me regarding the rejection and hurt she feels because the OM isn't the person she thought he was, and how she can now relate to me..... Yea, let that sink in for a while. Pot=Kettle=Black.

I wonder of OM and his W are on this site?

Could my humiliaiton be any more complete?

So, here I stand... on the recieving end of a NC letter. I guess that's one of the benifits of MOM...

Anyway, the NC letter states they are moving to get away from my WW.... You think that meets the criteria?

Let the "I told you so"s be mild. What was I called? An idiot? In spades baby.... And here I am.... without my anxiety meds....

That is very promising that you got a no contact letter and that they may be moving.

Now, you get to the real fun (gag) part. You need to sit there and try to be supportive and kind to your wife while she is whining about the OM.

That is the part where I ended up divorced. I told hubby that he got himself into this mess, and he could get himself out. That doesn't work. So good luck.