Hi everyone,

We've been married for 2.5 years. No children. We've had lots of difficulties, no cheating though. Much of the problems are related to her being a bit of a control freak.
We spent alot of time seeing a marriage counselor last year, though she stopped accompany me to the MC towards the end. Our relationship is as lousy as ever, though I've never been mean to her. I also help around the house quite alot due to her not so obvious disability.

Yesterday, she was going on and about our savings, my life insurance, retirement, etc. So I couldn't take it anymore and told her we need to save our marriage first. The discussion was very rough and she said that she won't divorce me because 'she would end up living on the street' and that I would have to file first and would need to justify it, etc and that I would have to end up paying alimony.
I felt devastated as I still love her and thought that she seems to have no feelings towards me whatsoever. She kept on arguing in a very mean way and I was never able to calm her down.
I finally managed to persuade her to see the MC again, which will be in few weeks, though she only wants to go there for one meeting to help achieve some 'point scoring' and nothing to do with saving the marriage.

So I wonder if a marriage like that could be saved as I feel deeply wounded and not sure where to go from here.
Also, I know that this is probably not the right forum to discuss this, but is she right in what she says about the Alimony claim? I am perfectly happy to help her if and when divorce takes place, but I don't wish to feel abused about it.

I think you were hearing significant inner fear from her in that conversation, along the lines of her imaging the worst-case scenario. It seems at times like that the other person is not really capable of listening because finanical (in)security touches such deep emotional buttons. It may be that if the discussion is brought up subsequently, when you and her are feeling well, that the concerns can be dissipated.

Itsd quite possible that some of her fears were amplified by discussions with her female friends. I don't want to overgeneralize but frequently, no matter how many times a wife tells you that she is not discussing marriage problems outside of the marriage, she is with her friends.

If you married & did not have a pre-nuptional agreement, then clearly you will have responsibilties toward her financially if you divorce. Not sure what you meant by her disability?

just as a point of reference....

a "control freak" is usually someone who has learned to manage their anxiety using "excessive order" as medication, instead of pills

how does this fit with your experience?

the "control freak" is not trying to annoy you ... but trying to make the unpredictability of the world world more predictable and less anxious for them

JJ
I know what she talks about with her friends and that is 'I am staying married to him purely for financial reasons'!

Its the lack of human feelings that is getting to me.

Regarding her disability, she is registered disable due to a bone related/back problem. She has no formal qualifications and didn't have a job before I married her.
I tried to get her trained on various computer skills but she lacks interest.
Your last sentence worries me because I don't know what is the extent of these financial responsibilities.

Pepperband,
Its interesting what you said. The marriage counselor thought that this control freakiness may be due to her difficult childhood, she was abused by her parents. The MC thinks that a person who lacked control over their affairs when they were young, end up being obsessed with controlling affairs of others close to them.
But what you said sounds very true, especially in relation to her frequent pain.

Based on what you say I doubt she has a claim for alimony.

In general a judge will award alimony when one spouse has been economically dependent on the other spouse for most of a lengthy marriage. That in turn is often based on the economically dependent spouse being so because of a mutual decision in the marriage like W being home for kids, a mutual decision to enable other spouse to work on career and so on.

A necessary factor is also that the spouse requesting alimony has made sacrifices enabling the other to be financially better off than the other spouse. So a wife who waits tables to get her H through law school can expect alimony. The longer the marriage the higher the amount. A spouse that stays at home for the kids enabling the other to climb the corporate ladder also has a strong case for alimony.

A spouse that earns no income pre-marriage and is in a marriage for only 2 ½ years. I seriously doubt she has any claims to alimony. I also doubt that the amounts earned in pensions and savings in this time can be significant. I would guess a one-time buyout would be negotiated.

Having said that – have you two looked at the methodology presented on this site to save marriages? MB is not only for saving a marriage after infidelity.

Many thanks for the info.
I am still hoping to save the marriage but much of the resources I see here and elsewhere concerns infidelity, which doesn't apply in our case.

The problem is that she is not cooperating, constantly saying its my fault and always digging for old problems that happened two or three years ago.

Well we agreed to see the marriage counselor in a couple of weeks (though she only agreed to turn up for this one visit). I intend to put it to her, either work with me to save the marriage, or I might as well cut my losses now rather than suffer a greater financial burden later.