Not sure if just found out is the right place...how about just found out again. Long story short, found out about W's first (?) A in '04 a few months before our 10th anniversary. Got all the usual from my WS, found this site and posted a lot. Therapy, promises, etc followed only to find out that during the course of all the "recovery", my dear and loving W was having yet ANOTHER A! Responders to my posts on this site made the responsible (sane?) recommendation that I cut bait. So did my individual (and Christian) counselor by the way.
Never said I had good judgment. Listened to more of the same promises but ended up ignoring the big pink elephant in the corner of the living room. There was no recovery, only accommodation. As such, I guess it's not surprising that I just found out about another (ongoing) A.

SO NOW WHAT????? WS has serious issues; cheating father, divorced parents, dysfunctional upbringing, etc. Thankfully she’s stopped using those as excuses. She’s just an “awful person and awful wife” (like you would have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out). Despite my comments I have made every effort to be supportive to her problems (personal and professional) but it has been rejected out right (its a sign of weakness to depend on someone else). I'd bet my life that she is clinically depressed. yet she absolutely refuses to go to IC. Another “sign of weakness". She is yet again falling apart to the point that I'm worried for her safety as well as my ability to go through it all again. I'm also worried for our kids (7 yo B and 9 yo G). Rounds 1 and 2 were VERY hard on them because of what it did to us although they had now clue what was going on. I can't stand to see them (or me) go through the emotional devastation that my WS's A's cause in our home. I just don't think I can keep doing this...

What was your old MB name? (2004)

Pep

I think the reason we ignore the PINK ELEPHANT in these situations is because we don't live in the real world.I know I have been in the hopes and dreams part until lately. Sometimes our spouses can be like a cancerous limb that we know is not good for our body and should be severed but we just can't seem to figure out how to go on without it and keep it until the whole body is dying.

Orig MB name was "moondog" as I recall. seems like a million years ago...seems like yesterday. more developments that I can't possibly get into. I'd say "i'm done" but I dont even have the strength for that.

TT (moondog),

Have you figure out you cannot fix her? Have you figured out she cannot fix herself? Have you figured out this is not an issue of love, it is an issue of her ISSUES? Have you figured out that hanging in there will hurt your children because yet again they are exposed to adultery?

Don't you think it is time to admit that perhaps you cannot heal this marriage, because it is not the marriage that is ill?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

In answer to your questions JL, after the second A 2 yrs ago, I realized I couldn't fix her and that her "issues", which she locks in a closet and refuses to face, would always hold us back. Regarding "love" in a letter she wrote to her first lover she said that she never really loved me and that marrying me was a huge mistake. After that and everything else that happened over the course of the next year and 2 A's, I realized that I was no longer in love with her. Sure, I care about her. But that deep emotional attachment was gone. Like everything else that's bad in her life, she locked it in a closet pretending it wasn't there. And so did I. So I guess I can't blame her for starting up another affair.

RE: the children, now there's the real problem. If it weren't for them, we would have D 2 yrs ago. I know that everyone (with the exception of me) says that you should never stay in a marriage for the kids. Maybe that's true but I CAN NOT leave my children!!!!!!! I we D, I get to see them every other weekend and 2 weeks during the summer. That's the way it goes for the husband. It's part selfishness yet not completely. I am the stabilizing force in our house. Always have been. I need them in my life on a daily basis, sure, but they need me just as much.

Maybe it's time I Google "divorce builders" and find a good lawyer...

TT,

I would definitely go find a good lawyer to understand your options with regard to custody, shared custody, etc. You have waited this long, there is no need to rush into this, but you should be gathering facts, data, and developing a plan for you future, and your children's future. Your W? Well, that is another issue.

God Bless,

JL

OK, so I found a good lawyer and I've got another string going on the "divorcing/divorced" forum. But I still need to post something here which should tell anyone reading this quite a bit. Granted, my WW has now had 3 A's. 2 were 3 yrs ago and then another one in the last 6 weeks. But there are some very important things that I have not included in any of my posts. Things that I have come to realize about myself and my own actions. The truth of the matter is that I never forgave her for the A's 3 yrs ago. And the truth of the matter is I have taken every opportunity to cause her emotional pain for those 3 years. The truth of the matter is that I never gave her the opportunity to fix things. The truth of the matter is she DID reach out for my love and I turned my back on her.

I will give one very good example. About a month ago (likely before last A started) I was on my way to the airport coming home. My wife called me almost in a panic. She said "do you love me?” I was taken off guard but quickly replied "where's this coming from". She had had a dream that I told her I didn't love her that that I left her. I said that was ridiculous. And I never said that I loved her. When I got home, she was waiting for me. She grabbed me in her arms and started crying. I gave her a little hug and tried to pull away but she wouldn't let me go. I was barely there.

I have realized what I have don for the last 3 years and I am horrified. I KNOW THAT WE ARE BOTH TO BLAME SO DON'T TELL ME THAT!!!! But I have seen my sins. I know that if we get divorced, we will be doing so without trying to save our marriage and our family. I am done being angry. I have forgiven her for her A's, even the most recent one that she has yet to ask forgiveness for. I don't even see them any more. they are small potato's compared to the breakup of our family. And I have told her all of these things and I have told her that I would change. My love was always there but I refused to let myself feel it or let her see it. It was buried but it would not be ANY LONGER.

But she said she is done. Not because she sees "greener pastures" (i.e. another man) but because she just can't take it any more. She has distanced herself from me and basically will not talk about it. I KNOW that I can do things better. And I've finally realized that and she won't let me.

I honestly believe that she doesn't want a divorce. She just can’t go on living the life we've been living together. And she wants to be loved. She wants an understanding shoulder to cry on. I SEE IT SO VERY CLEARLY NOW!!!!! She wants all the things that I want to give her. But now SHE doesn't trust ME.

For 3 years, EVERYBODY has been telling me to get a divorce. I have whined and cried about what my WW has done on any shoulder I could find. But I never admitted to anyone, even myself, the horrible mistakes I have made. I can NOT do this without trying something new. TRYING!!!!

Try calling the Harley's. Best advice I can give you.

SD

Going to MC tomorrow (alone). Getting recomendations for IC (for me and suggestions for her; she did finally admit after 3 years of this that she needed it). No action on her part. No lawyer. No IC. Total denial and stasis. NOT talking about anything substantial but then again I don't think we can at this point without mediation (MC). I'll see what I learn tomorrow.