Very recently my BH and I have turned a corner. He is ready to reclaim his life and W as he puts it.

After living for more than 18 months in a nightmare (yelling, fighting and crying nearly everyday)... I can say with faith that we are coming through.

I have read several times on many posts that WW and WH give up after less than a year fighting for their marriages. I was there before also. Thinking that I would never make it, that I would never have a chance. So, I'm writing this to say, you can do it. Hold on and Pray!

About 2 weeks ago I found this forum. I have gained insight and advice and it has made a difference in our recovery.

1st - I was told that the A was like an emotional rape or death of a family member to my H. "Emotional Rape." That was what hit me the hardest. I discussed this with my H and finally we had break through on what I had done. He knows I would never do this again. NO DOUBT - NOW.

2nd - I was told that my BH had to make an effort in our recovery. My shame, grief and remorse transposed into an enablement of his anger. He was stuck and I could now see it. I started walking out of the house with the kids when he blew up, I quit yelling back, and I told him lovingly each time I left that I loved him - but he was hurting our recovery.

3rd - I insisted on counseling. This was the third time he has gone. And, in a very short time speaking with the counselor, not MC, but IC - and a long "session" speaking with a long time recovered BS - he had a break through. I also saw a new counselor that God placed in my path - that gave me more assurance and peace.

Most of all through all of this I want to make it clear, we would not have made it without the love and strength of God. I asked for forgiveness (a million times),plead the blood of Jesus over my marriage, I wrote down every promise in the scriptures on mental clarity, peace, forgiveness and love and read them over and over, I prayed for my husband, read him scriptures on nights that he could not sleep, prayed for my children and marriage daily, I read every book I could get my hands on, had IC myself, uncovered generational issues, reclaimed relationships with family, got downright open and honest about my flaws, sang love songs to my H, painted him a painting of the two of us, made him coffee every morning to help with the ADs he was taking, and did a million other things to add to his LB, spent time with him alone as much as possible and screwed up a lot along the way - but I kept trying. "One more day....strength for one more day."

I guess what I am saying...if you deeply love your BS -- stick it out, but learn from the mistakes I have made.

Thanks to each and everyone that posted on my first thread! You made a difference.

lilmom

lilmom - Thanks so much for this! I, for one, needed this extra encouragement today!

I'm happy I could encourage even one...God still uses imperfect people doesn't he?

Just to keep this going, I thought I would add some of my thanksgiving!

Things that I thank God for:

1. I used to hate his snoring, now I thank God that he is sleeping peacefully when I hear it...it is music to my ears.
2. I never had time for early morning kisses and so on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Now I thank God for his gentle touch and the love light that still comes to his eyes.
3. I complained about time that he wanted to spend away from me on his hobby ...now I thank God that he has something that still brings him peace.
4. I used to feel that God couldn't hear when I cried about my marriage ... now I thank God for leading people into our lives that remind us that we are still in his hand and not far from his ear.
5. I used to take my husband, my job, my house, my family, my kids for granted ... they would always be there ... now I truly thank God for every blessing that he has chosen to bestowe on me and my family. I know I am truly not worthy for all that he has given me.

lilmom

Quote for the day ... we read this one going to church today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A dog can win a fight with a skunk ...but sometimes it's just not worth it!!!

lilmom

lilmom,
Thank you so much for your encouragement! You are a godsend!
Im sitting here, tears streaming down my face, I so badly want my marriage to recover, and am willing to do everything I have to. It is just so hard to hang in there when my BH has returned to his old behavior and just isnt willing to do any work to help us.
Thank you so much for the lift, I needed it! Im so happy for you, and your H! Blessings to you both!

Keep praying. One of the biggest blessings in our lives was a family member that had fought for her marriage over 20 years ago. She talked to my BH all the time. Sometimes at 3 am in the morning. She put her life on hold to help us make it. I encourage you to push your H to find that person that he can talk to that will be encouraging in the face of great odds. I can be there to tell you that you can do this. I've done it for 18 months. I'm stronger than I ever thought that I could be. Your H is wounded. He is still in recovery and can't help much. I think it is different for men. It hits them at their core. Try to understand what was said to me --- emotional rape. I would never ever rape someone, and when I was told that is what it felt like... I finally understood what I had done. To quote Dr. Phil .... I forget who does that on this web site ... but someone does .... anyway... he can't start to heal unless he knows that you know what you have done to him.

I got the no excuses early on. I took responsibility and did the work to find out why... but it wasn't until recently that I really understood.

It is a lonely road at times. But, you can hold your family together. God can give you the strength when you don't have any more.

When it's too much...take the kids out for ice cream, watch them play in the park, let God heal your heart so that you can lead your H to healing through the only person that died not only for our sins but also to heal --- heal the brokenhearted. That's a promise and it can happen. Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

lilmom