Post deleted by Lori991

Are there children involved? If yes, then you're really stuck, because children need their father, which means, no matter what, ex-wife will have contact.

Hi Lori,

Welcome to MB.It's ok to post here.

It is true that if there are kids involved,then that is just a fact of life you would have to deal with.You can keep the interaction to a minimum but parents do need to communicate about their kids.

If there are no kids,then there shouldn't really be any reason for your boyfriend (BF) to talk to the ex unless there are some financial issues from the divorce (D),etc.

So,having said that,your BF can change his e-mail address,phone number (not sure why the court would require that unless kids are an issue),you've already moved so that's good.Is she still stalking you both? Can you elaborate a bit more?

Also,I'm curious: how long after the D did you start to date this man?

Post deleted by Lori991

Poor little child...

I don't deal with quite sane X <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> but he's not insane either, therefore not so much 'help' from me (btw, what does your lawyer say how you can protect yourselves? Must be the way...) So, waiting for MBers with that experience,

After reading your first post I felt you had started a R with him before he had been divorced. I just felt it. And your second post, even if you didn't say it, I would know it...
"Wierd", isn't it...

Also, I see a few/more contradictions...
If she's there ilegally, it means soon she'll be deported, therefore no problem for you. (Btw, how his own child cannot have "visa" or "green card" or citizenship but be deported??)
If the court requires she knows your address, you moved so she doesn't know it now, is that going to be OK with the court.
He married her because she was pregnant, and he divorced her because he didn't want to be the father.
And this one I heard many times and never liked: "There was never any love, just fear, guilt, manipulation and a feeling of obligation."...

Is all you know about her and their R/M what he told you, or from other people too?

Why I can't feel that "her insanity/craziness" is a problem here, at least not unsolvable one...?
What's mising here?? (Unless I totally misunderstood your writing... if so, I apologyze...)

In any case: He didn't resolve his issues from his past, maybe it's high time you let him finally resolve them now...

Post deleted by Lori991

Well,that's quite a story.

However,as bad as all that was made out to be,it sounds a bit like he fed you a lot more lines to his benefit and you ate them right up.

I'm sorry but it's not anywhere near noble to just hang in the marriage for x number of days and then leave,now not wanting to have anything to do with his own child.Sure the ex may have been as horrible as was suggested,and who really knows.But the child is the innocent one here and this man did decide to have sex with the ex and also was married to her,there must have been something there like love.

This man would be wise to try and work things out for the sake of the child and stop running away.I thought too that maybe you were an other woman who got involved with the married man.We hear lines like this all the time about how "bad" the ex wife is.It makes them feel better to portray her as such and justifies bad behavior in their mind.Not having the ex here to speak for herself,we can only speculate.


This is interesting:



I'm not sure how we can help you.It's obvious that this man has to get his life in order,address the needs of his own child and try to smooth things over with his ex since they do still have reason to be in contact,to a point.It would behoove you to back out of the relationship til things cool down.If indeed the relationship was started from an affair,then I don't have anything supportive to say.If not,I still think you should take some time to let this man get his own life in order first.Just my opinion.

What I skipped AB added...


But some of them took her side (then "he's stopped all contact with any friends and family who have taken her side.")...
Her crazy cousins? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


She doesn't know where you live, you don't know where she (and even child!?!) live, yet you talk about stalking...


I have impression that her existence itself is harrasment for you... and that you are in a denial... and that your problems are not her... and it's easier to accuse her...

And you don't think of that child and her/his benefits and future and life itself even for a second..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think it is. Well, Lori said "I made the mistake of dating this man before the divorce was final."
She's just choosing to believe that their M was over before they started dating (and this is so deja vu...)

Are you married to him, Lori?

OK, I see now


Lori, you are jealous, and you are afraid of her... not because of stalking...
Am I wrong?

However, there is more than enough reason that he's in contact with her for the rest of life - THE CHILD!
You have to accept, his past, and that child.
Unless he wants to disown his own child... but in that case I couldn't recommend marrying that kind of man Lori... (i.e. if so, run Lori run... disowning own child even if unwanted is much harder than disowning any woman, at the first, new and fresh, opportunity...)

Post deleted by Lori991

Post deleted by Lori991

Before even finishing your original post I need to say this about your BF. His is the father of this child whether he likes it or not. If he REALLY didn't want to risk pregnancy with this "fling" he should have used a condom.

So then, this makes the child the one that should be the focus here. She's not being cared for properly by the mother & the father is willing to look the other way? That's not a man I would want in my life even if I too didn't want children.

Before anything else, the child needs protection, all the other behavior from the mother needs to looked at in a different light. Not is it pissing you off & bothering the father of the child, but how is this child being raised by a woman who behaves in this way.

It's great your BF is living up to his financial responsibilities for the child. But the fact he wants to walk away from his child who is being raised by what appears to be an unstable mother says A LOT about his character.

Ops, forgot to say this about your concerns.

Were I in your shoes this is what I would focus on.

How do I feel about a man who would walk away from his child knowing the child isn't being cared for properly?

Do I want to get involved with a man who will, in all likelihood, be tied up either raising the child if he chooses to pursue gaining custody or having to deal with the apparently unstable mother?

Do I really know the truth about the circumstances of how the child came to be & how she & the mother came to this country? Am I comfortable with that?

B2M,




That's why I always wonder.You get defensiveness if people are "long since divorced" in their own mind and date other's,though they are still legally married.Therein lies a lot of justification.It has the classic veneer of being an A situation as she puts it.This guy abandoning his own child is all part of it and it's sad.We know how that goes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

lori

i personally have no issue with you dating someone who was legally separated and not yet divorced. yes, some on this forum do, and that is their own opinion. forgive them, some of them try to force their beliefs on others. i for one was legally separated when i started dating. my marriage was done and just waiting on having the money to do a divorce. ex was living with ow. period. i was ready to start a relationship and i did. i have been in this relationship seriously since august and have known him since last april.so, i have no issue there.

my concern is for that child. i understand women can trick men into being fathers, happens all the time. that child is an innocent victim. i am not judging but am confused... your bf does not want to be a father and yet he has 2 children? does that not concern you? does he have contact with his first child? i personally do not understand how anyone can parent a child and not want anything to do with them. they are your flesh and blood after all.

here is what i would do:
i would encourage him to get help to deal with past issues, ie, his marriage/ex wife issues. i do think you can be by his side helping him do this.

i would encourage him to have a relationship with his children no matter what the cost. those children deserve a father, THEIR father. when you have sex, protected or not, you are taking the chance a baby might be made. if you don't want children, don't have sex, or go get a vasectomy. those children deserve more than just monetary support from their father, and i just feel he will regret not having them in his life at some point. or, worse yet, when they are old enuff and he gets a knock on the door that says hi i am your daughter, why didn't you want me? i don't think anyone wants that to happen.

i am going to give the benefit of the doubt here and say he is a man that has made some poor choices. there needs to be a plan in place so things do not go on as they are. and i really hope in the process for YOU he is the man he says he is and that you don't end up getting hurt. you are definitely right not to marry this man until he gets these issues resolved.

mlhb

Lori,

You can leave.It's usually what happens when we don't support relationships born from affairs or when people abandon their own kids.All the tag lines about things being so bad and his wife didn't understand him and she is crazy,etc,etc are all part of the process of justification for doing what cheaters do.

If things were so bad as we are lead to believe,then the guy should have had a divorce,taken steps to ensure his child was well cared for,AS A PRIORITY then start boinking some other woman.Not while he's still married.He had trouble staying in the marriage partly because of you."Conditioned" as you said.My guess is that is a part of why the ex is acting so strongly to a degree.Imagine being left to care for your own child alone while your then H goes out with someone else and now is running away.How fair is that to the child let alone the W/ex W?

As I said,I'm not sure we can help you.This is a marriage building site.Your BF will have to find a proper way to deal with the ex and his child or this scenario could go on for a very long time.

jmo

Edited to add: and just so you know,I too went a little "crazy" after finding out my husband was cheating on me.It's hard to even describe what it's like to be the betrayed spouse.The pain is enormous,you feel so vulnerable,lost,scared,angry,threatened,suicidal,the works.What you described could very well be what a person,the ex, went through when you think your spouse loves you and is there for you and your children and you find out they are cheating.It was the worst experience of my life.

Not everyone here lives by this theory.

I've been separated for 2 years and dating for about a year and a half. He's dragging our divorce out although the end is very near FINALLY but I refuse to sit back and wait to live MY life because of him.

I don't post here as often as I used to, just simply because there are a few that try to make people who don't live by that theory feel like they are doing something wrong with their lives.

Hang in there. Know that you aren't alone. While I'm not dating someone with a crazy ex stalking us, I can understand your frustration and I don't think there will be an easy answer for you.

HUGS
Alluring

Just to clarify: my situation was quite different; my XH never wanted to leave me and our son (moreover, 3 yrs after divorce he still hopes we'll get back together one day), he's never lived with the woman he had affair with, and it's been about one year they have no contact at all.

I'm talking based on my experience with what happens to other people around me...

Also, dating someone else when legally separated not divorced yet... just a few people have no chance at all for recovery, nor EACH of them want it.
The problem is that noone out of that M really can know that. Starting dating with someone still married decreases chances of someone elses's child's parents have back their family and their home.
Personally, (and HERE I project my own situation), I would never be in that place! I would never be an obstacle nor influent some decisions that any child looses their home with both parents in it! That's a hugh burden to carry into future... And a boomerang is waiting around the corner...
I.e. if I met a guy who's not divorced at least a couple of years and settled in his new post-divorced life, I could never start dating him.
Because whatever he didn't solve from his past, he'd solve - at my expense.
And I am too selfish to be in that place.
Nor it's worthy, to spend a few first years or forever - cleaning his own garbage..
Above everything, the way he deals with his own children would tell me all about his character.
Bad father cannot be good husband. Not in the long run anyway.

And the way he chose to get out of M/R with child would tell me a lot, too.
Too high probability that what he did to her would do to me...
(Another "fog" (illusion) here for ANY woman is - I'm better than her, he'd never do that to me - Nonsense!)

So, you asked for help, I gave my opinion.
Someone else's opinion might help, but not if you keep that denial of your and not accepting him (or not) as he really is...

Perhaps you are not in the right place if you are only looking for sympathy.

I would question the values of this man you are dating. He's now ignoring 2 children and not financially supporting the first. How can you trust this man?

The child should be the priority. And parents should be responsible for their offspring, hence communication is necessary. My thought is that he was likely a poor communicator in the past - hence the avoidance of communication. Is this what you want in a mate.

So far he's had 2 failed marriages, each with children who are left behind without apparent adequate support.

Read a different view from here and think about your relationship a little more.