Finally a place to share and vent... Been together 17 years, married for 13 and although we had a very rocky marriage, I was the idiot who believed no matter what we were going through he would never cheat on me and I found out right before Christmas, nice timing! I chose not to tell our son, who idolizes mr. self-righteous, but our teen age daughter knows and is tired of seeing me crying and throwing up.The emotion that comes from betrayal is a tough one , only pain I can compare it to is when my mother passed away. I would never be able to function again. He recently stated that he was no longer seeing her and for a second I felt good, thought I was worth something, but then after thinking about things I've seen and overheard I have to wonder if it was her choice to stop seeing him and he is just letting me believe he had second thoughts I think that maybe her husband came back. Now I feel like a used up piece of garbage, a fool.We are back and forth on the living arrangement, first he was out, then he came back, said he couldn't afford to pay for the bills here and somewhere else too. Then he thought it would be a good idea for him to move again, said he thought I needed space to figure out what I want. If I sound confused and messed up, it's because I am. Thanks for listening... Encouraging words are welcome

Welcome, EL, to MarriageBuilders. I found it a relief, too, to discover I wasn't alone or crazy...and to share is to exist, come to find out. So thank you for both.

Have you read the Basic Concepts? About ENs and LBs? To the right of your screen are articles by Dr. Harley about Coping with Infidelity...and why blind trust, believing you won't be cheated on is a form of fantasy...and to affair proof your marriage takes total reality?

You are not garbage...you can feel like you are.

What I don't see in your post is your active knowledge...your checks to know, not relying on your WH for truth...finding out the truth.

And I don't see where you shared the truth, either. Did you expose to everyone, including her family?

Would you reconsider telling your son? When one child knows and not the other, there's the complication of them having secrets from one another...and infidelity is about how much secrets tear us apart from the inside out.

What are you choosing in your life right now? Are you choosing to recover your marriage? Have you read up on Plan A and Plan B? There are great threads here to help you, along with great people.

Confusion is just a signal that you have conflicting beliefs. Not bad or wrong...and you're certainly not messed up. You're in a mess, not one.

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Please keep posting...weekends can be slow...and consider making a signature line with standard stuff...ages, how long married (I know you said, I just like to see it in the posts for easy remembering), ages of kids, length of affair, DDay and status.

Again, to live clearly, we gotta get to our facts. You're not alone. You're not crazy. You are valuable, worthy and whole. You really are. And an A does not erase you...it's can't. It wasn't about YOU...it's a choice your partner makes, and it's really about them.

Welcome.

LA