Maybe the subject title is misleading.

My wife (the BS) has been doing all the work from her point of view and I have just been bidding time waiting for her to "get over it." I must admit that is an accurate description.

I had a one month EA and have had no contact for 11 months. I haven't even feel any desire to do so. My wife did nothing to cause my behavior. I have learned from Dr. HArley's books that my problems are dishonesty (conflict avoidance) and independent behavior. I feel that I have been very dependent on my wife to guide my behavior through the recovery process. She introduced me to this website and had to encourage me to use it. She has told me what she needs and then I respond. It seems that I am very dependent upon her to structure my life and then when I want to do something else, I do it as "independent behavior" This seems to me to be very passive aggressive on my part.

Needless to say, she is frustrated and wants me to take the lead in recovery activities, without her "guidance" as she is weary of the whole deal. I was the one who screwed up and she has been the one to do all the work. The problem is that I don't have any original ideas about what to do. I have done 75% of what I have found on most lists of actions and behaviors suggested to rekindle relationships. We recreate together (I now X-country ski with her rather than run on my own. We run together rather than separately. I am trying to respond to her identified emotional needs. I am trying to cut back on my recreational reading to spend more time on this site and read up on this stuff (this is painful to me.

But it took me 11 months to get to this point and my BS is angry because it took this long to start and it has left her hanging.

Listen to me whine. Help.

1anddone - Let me get this straight, you have been married some 30+ years, had a one month EA, have been in recovery for 11 months and have tried to do some things (even though it sounds as though the activities have centered around things that YOU like to do, may possibly not be things your wife likes to do?) and your wife is now getting angry that "she has carried the recovery load and you have done virtually nothing." Is that about right?

The first thing I want to say is that "anger" tends to surface in all Betrayed Spouses somewhere in the 6 to 12 mark of recovery. It is "finally time" to let the FWS "know how angry I was over the affair because I had to 'stuff my anger' out of fear that our marriage could end." This a rather normal "phase" of recovery.

The second thing I want to say is the current "stall problem" seems to be your wife's problem, and not your problem.

Your wife does not appear to understand the promises that she makes when she says, "I forgive you." In my opinion, it is quite likely that she has NOT forgiven you and you will remain "stalled" until she does so....and embraces the threefold promise that is inherent in choosing to forgive someone.

One last thought, the "average" recovery timeframe is 2 years. So having seen your "list" of do's and don'ts, I think you are both striving for "perfection in action" (something that is virtually impossible) and not striving for love.

So does your wife post on MB? If so, perhaps we need to talk with her too.

God bless.

Yeah I post on MB.

So the stalled recovery is my problem because I don't understand the promises about "I forgive you"

By the way, I have not said those words: "I forgive you" I don't even know what meaning those words have. I don't know what meaning a lot of words have in relationship to recovery when they are not correlated with behaviors.

Thanks so much for the help you have given, foreverhers. And yes, sarcasm is intended.
Lake

Lake-

I'm not sure why you're angry/sarcastic at FH? She posted the possibility that you hadn't forgiven your FWH. By your own admission, you haven't. What's the reason for being angry at FH? It was a valid observation...and likely is releveant to your situation.

Why do YOU feel things are stalled? What's YOUR take in this?

For me,
His EA high lighted aspects of our marriage that I had attempted to resolve for years.

Once I learned of the EA, I realized that those problems were not going to go away just because I had decided to pretty much let them go and consider them just quirks of our relationship.

I do feel I have done 90% of the work toward re-building the relationship since the EA. I feel like I have done about 99% of coming up with the ideas of how to re-build. It seems like I have just continued the dynamics of the marriage that are a problem in the marriage.

He does not act. He says he is going to act and then he does not act. He comes up with rationalizations about why he does not act and then says he will act. Then, he does not act.

Weeks ago, he committed to posting on this site in order to get some insight that comes from someone other than me.

Weeks ago he committed to taking charge of relationship building by spending an hour in the evening with me. He said he would come up with the plan for each evening and take responsibility for taking the lead in implementing the plan for the hour.

I am tired of his words, I am tired of the unkept commitments that turn out to be just words without any follow-through.

He is passive in our relationship. Before the EA, I changed some of my behaviors in our relationship so that the parts of the relationship where he was passive that I could not accept would be reduced.

For example, I hated being the enforcer or disciplinarian with our boys. So, I stopped doing certain things with them, simple things like no longer calling them to come to dinner. I know this sounds small but I did not like being the one to call out to them and H would not do it. I just stopped doing it so he had to start interacting with them at least to call them to dinner.

I prompted him to talk to the oldest about matters of sexuality. I tried as much as possible to stop being the enforcer so that he would have to start interacting with them more. After all, they are boys.

I also stopped telling him that one of them was trying to say something to him. ("Dad?,...Dad?....Dad?...."). At most, I would just tell the boy to tap him on the shoulder to get his attention.

I asked him to stop reading journals and magazines at key family times or when he was interacting with me. Examples are during dinner or when we are getting kids out the door for school, or when he and I are having a conversation, or he is asking me a question.

He has been passive in our relationship and distracted. But these things described above were the aspects of his passivity or distractedness that I could not live with and so I tried to reduce them as much as possibe. (when I found a journal at kitchen table, I would remove it or throw it away.)

He was the aggressor in his EA. He was able to be an aggressor in that relationship but he remains passive in our relationship. This hurts.

Now I've got someone telling him that the stalled recovery is my problem. The only way I see it as my problem is that I continue to be the one to act and this helps him to remain passive. But if I don't act, he won't. He just wants it all to just "disappear".

So, if I say those words, "I forgive you", then everything will be better? I think I have shown forgiveness. I do not think he will lose track of boundaries again related to any potential OW. I have stopped checking his cell phone and his e-mail account--only look at e-mail to know what is going on in his world. But what about the rest of our relationship?

Like I said, his EA actions brought to the surface a lot of baggage that I thought I could live with, now I don't feel like I can live with all of it.

I still say that this issue of forgiveness is a red herring.
Lake

Let me ask you this, just for my own understanding.

The problems and issues you're describing...

They don't appear related in any way to the affair. Correct? What you described are normal marital issues to me. They've got nothing to do with his EA, they have everything to do with the way the two of you interact. They don't have anything to do with your recovery from the EA...they have everything to do with your relationship overall.

Would you agree?

I can't fully agree that the issues don't have anything to do with the EA.

It was the EA that got us re-visiting these issues. The fact that he is passive with me but was an initiator with her--His passive behavior seems now to be a trigger for me related to the EA behavior.

He took charge of his relationship with her and aggressively persued the relationship. He can't or won't do that within our relationship.

I don't see how I can not connect all of this to the EA. I would not be in this nightmare state of limbo except for the EA. I know things have improved within the relationship since the EA. I really long to see him as an assertive individual in our relationship. I don't mean to add drama by saying "nightmare state of limbo". Many things have improved in our relationship, but there is still that part of me that regularly feels that "nightmare state of limbo"
Lake

It seems a lot of your actions were done to try to control your FWH's actions, "making" him more active instead of passive. I think that could only lead to resentment on both parts since ultimately that backfires. Someone is just going to do those things b/c they feel they have to, not want to which then frustrates both parties.

I see it as your FWH needs to commit to your relationship. It doesn't sound like he has. Has he had counseling for himself? If not, that's an action he could take to prove he's willing to work on this. He might also find it helpful to discover where all this passive-agressiveness is coming from. Constant reading is not just avoidance. It's an act of aggression and disrespect to read while someone is trying to talk to you. It's saying to them very clearly, "you are not important to me." I know - I'm an obsessive reader myself and have had to re-train myself to not read while my H and/or kids and/or friends even are trying to talk to me!

One other thought - I'm reading Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch for the second time now. Read it straight through and turned around to read it again. It seems you're at a point, lake53, where you need to pay attention to your own process instead of focusing on your husband's. That may mean some radical changes for both of you since if you start changing, he will be incapable of staying the same (although he might claim to be). You might want to give the book a read strictly for youself and your own development, not as a way to change your husband but as a way to help youself be happier. You sound bitter and angry and unhappy. You sound like me a lot of years past (constantly trying to get my DH to be more active) and still a lot of days now.

And if you're a reader, 1anddone, you might want to pick up your very OWN copy too.

The book you reference sounds interesting. I'm just looking for another book to buy so that I get free shipping.

My H says he is committed to our R and that he thinks of nothing else but me. He feels he was fully committed to the R even during his EA.

Sometimes I do feel very angry.

I was doing a good job of working on improving myself for a few years once the youngest was about six years old and the middle child with special needs was more manageable.

We moved into our dream home in July 04 we had planned together and I felt on top of the world. Then, my Dad died in Feb 05 and my Mom moved in with us.

Taking care of my Mom was very draining and really put a damper on our M and R. After D of the EA, I made other arrangements for my Mom and she moved out July 06.

Hopefully, I can get back to that good place where I was improving myself and felt on top of the world.
Lake

Lake and 1anddone,

I feel for both of you as I understand how devastating an EA can be, especially when I discovered the phone sex component, which it appears you may not have had.

I'm learning from your posters along with you and just wanted to encourage you to keep working together as you appear to be.

My H said "if it will help you heal, I'll register and post on MB, too.". I told him that if he has something he wants to say of his own volition, that's fine, but I do not want him to do it for me. Maybe I should take him up on it.

He does not like to write, seldom is on the web or sends emails, works 3 jobs and is very busy, but he is totally committed to doing/being/working with me.

One thing, though, Lake....like you I was very frustrated that he sure had time to write long flowery intensely personal and sexual emails to OW, but did not do that for me unless I guilt tripped him into it. I quit the guilt trips when I learned about the alien fog that creates a whole new personality of the 'victim' so the fact that he is 'back to his old self' (not being into emailing) is actually a good thing. Plus he is now handwriting letters (and emailing occasionally) and sending cards and flowers to me in a way I never thought possible.

Must get to work but I just wanted to encourage you to keep going and I'll check back later since I can't post at work.

Ace

Everything Lake says is true. Her capacity for honesty greatly exceeds mine own.

I must admit I am feeling exhausted emotionally much of the time. I don't feel that I have any more answers about the EA. Although it seems that just when I think there can be no new way to see it something comes up that helps.

I do enjoy our recreational times together. We must continue committing the time to each other.
I promised to set time aside to address love busters and emotional needs and I am often to easily distracted from that "chore" which should not be a "chore." Because the discussion is rewarding almost everytime it occurs. I know it feels like I don't care enough. I do.

I try to avoid my lovebusters but they still occur all too frequently. I know they act as triggers because they remind us of the capacities that lead to the EA.

I know I have been slow to get with the program, and that I have not brought sufficient sustained passion to the task.

"I know I have been slow to get with the program, and that I have not brought sufficient sustained passion to the task".

So what are you going to do to change this?

1anddone,

Not sure if another thread picks up where this one left off but I'll post here and hope you see it.

I went through what Lake is experiencing for most of our 32 years pre-A. I tried everything to get my H to do something, anything to show he was committed to our M. Two years ago, we got into a huge fight at a marriage seminar and I vowed to never suggest any more conferences, workshops, counseling sessions etc. ever again...thus for the past two years, we had been steadily detaching. Hence the EA with a strange woman he met online who after she emailed several photos, he says he thought was ugly and so boring he often put the phone down when she rambled on and on 'about blither blather' (his words).

Anyhow, after the 4th D Day, I gave up, told him to leave and suddenly he saw me in a different light....independent, strong, self-reliant and someone who he wanted to be with so much that he did a 180 in his personality and efforts.

Maybe it would help for you to picture yourself in a time machine.....say....6 months from now..... without Lake and the boys. How would your life be lacking?

Step back into reality knowing that by your continuing in a seemingly selfish state (that's what my H called it) it could result in those time machine thoughts becoming reality.

I'm not sure how it is for Lake, but I had to find a way to make my H feel safe, so that he would not get blasted if he revealed something to me that he used to hide. It's the difference between reacting (negatively) and responding (positively) when challenges arise.

Whether that fits (and maybe it doesn't), I am hoping it's worth a thought or two.

Ace

P.S. Remember to take baby steps if you have to but just get moving in the right direction as Lake's partner, not her adversary.

Every day I am going to try to take a specific action:

Initiating a discussion of Lovebusters or emotional needs to update our status.

Buy or create a present.

Plan an activity for just us.

Develop a new gesture to communicate caring.

Imagine a new way of demonstrating affection.

Pay attention and remember.

Hopefully some of these will force me to be assertive and creative.

Wow, 1&D,

Sounds like a great start.

Keep us posted....Lake, too.

As Dr. Phil says, "how's that (list) workin' for ya?"

Ace