Hi all. Well, H finally scheduled an appt. for us with a mc. (over a year after EA and many, many cyber-affairs) I'm really afraid now, though. I'm afraid he's going to schmooze the counselor like he schmoozes the rest of the world, and the counselor is going to buy it. I'm afraid MC is going to wonder what my problem is, b/c he "seems like a good guy". I'm wondering if we should do some individual sessions first. I just hate the though of re-hashing everything for this MC, and then having H turn on the charm and minimize all my feelings, like he always does. I know a good counselor should be able to see through that, but H is very, very good at BS. I mean, I bought it for the 1st 6 years of our marriage and I lived with him!! Besides, I'm afraid his "issues" are so buried and he has spent so much time pretending to be someone else, that no one can make him realize how P-A and out of touch with reality he really is. I'm just really afraid it won't work. And then where do we go?? This is our "last effort". At least for me it is. H ran out of chances woth me after the last round of lies and denial. I have no more chances to give him. But, the thought of tearing my family apart is killing me. There's a lot riding on MC, and I'm really afraid of what happens if it doesn't work....Any advice on how to get my story and feelings across to MC in a constructive way???

Hello Confursed-
Well, all I can suggest is that perhaps you meet with the MC individually for the first sessions. This way you can get your points across to the MC, without the other one present, and you can discuss your H's attempts to shmooze everyone...
My and my H went to MC on 2 different occasions (rounds, more like it- a year ago, and a few months ago), and the MC seemed to have my H's ticket, but my H did not like that at all. It did not make him want to continue going.

What I DO regret was that before it got TOO bad (a year ago) I think that there was more of a chance for us, I was just so angry at my H for everything, that I did not 'bond' (for lack of a better word) with him through the MC. I just left mad, and bitter... perhaps if I had opened my eyes a little more, and realized how much there was to lose, I would have taken down MY walls a little.

So my advice would also be that if he DOES let some of his love show through in the MC sessions, realize it, and take it to heart that it is sincere. Try to take down some of your walls that I am sure are building, and see where it goes.

Thanks, Sadmo- I hear what you're saying about taking down walls, but I don't know if I can do it. He has lied SOOOO much over the course of our marriage (7 years), and has always said whatever I wanted to hear, despite what he was actually feeling, that I don't know if he could say ANYTHING that I would BUY right now.

I really want to start counseling for me. I want to talk to someone about how to manage my anger and how to detach myself so that I can get by day to day without these feelings. H has a lot to prove as far as honesty and openness goes, and has yet to do it. As a matter of fact he hasn't done or said ANYTHING since D-day that I haven't heard or seen a million times before. I just don't buy it anymore. I would be a FOOL to fall for the same stuff AGAIN!!

I really want a counselor to understand this and take a look at the situation and HIM and tell me whether my feelings are valid or not. I want someone on my side for once. I'm sorry if this sounds shallow, or conceited, but he IS the one with the issues. HE has always had issues. I was perfectly content and STABLE before I met him. My family is the Cleavers compared to his. He is in denial, and I'm ready for a little validation. That may be all the Wrong reasons for going to therapy, but those are my reasons, nonetheless. My appt. is Saturday, then he goes the following Saturday. We'll see what happens. I hope the counselor is well-versed in P-A behavior. Wish me luck!!