with so many people in plan B right now, i thought it might be helpful to have a thread with success stories to give everyone hope.

i found this post on lilsis's thread.

I hope Lizzie doesn't mind that i copied it here to start the thread!

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LS,

I've not posted to you before, but have recently started following your thread. Just wanted to share a few things with you because some of the things you have posted sound oh so familiar.

My H's A was absolutely devastating to me. I was totally blindsided. I heard:

I'm not the same person.
People change.
I wasn't really being my true self.
We aren't right for each other.
There's just something about her, she's my soulmate.
Her husband doesn't understand her.
Blah, blah, blah.

I thought my H was gone forever. I began to believe that WH was who he really had been all along, that our time together was all a lie, that he had been an imposter all along.

Thank God I had this site.

I did Plan A. I did it while he was living in his own apartment. It was tough, but I did it for me, knowing that I would be able to say that I had made chnages for the better.

A fit of anger threw me into an abrupt Plan B. It lasted for 3 weeks and H came running back with an I'm sorry letter. I felt much like you did during my first Plan B. I worried that I was just giving up, that he would be thrilled to be free, that no longer would he feel torn, that there would be nothing I could do. I worried, I speculated, I imagined. I had visions of him and OW laughing at my expense, planning their lives together, planning to have a child (something that I couldn't give him.) Oh yes, it hurt and I was a mess. But I kept reading and posting here and things began to make sense.

That first recovery was a false one. I now know that he came back because he hated Plan B so much, not because he was ready to give up OW.

My point is that while I thought he was happy and living it up, he has told me that he was actually lonesome and miserable. The life of affair partners is really not what we imagine it to be. That's why it's good to just turn over all thoughts and fears to God.

You'll get through this, LS.

My H wanted us to remain friends because he "still cared about me". Plan B gave him a cold hard look at what life without Lizzie would be like. Throughout last summer, we followed a predictable pattern. I told him not to contact me at all unless he was ready to talk about recovering our marriage. He honored that for the most part, but he would get his Lizzie fix by asking BIL about me and the boys. My BIL gave him all the newsy detauils, the funny stories, and the updates hoping that WH would realize all that he was missing. I finally asked BIL not to mention me anymore so that WH would really be in the drak. That's when it really started to hit home with him. Every 2 or 3 weeks I would get a little e-mail. He was sending out feelers, these ILYBNILWY letters with a little bait attached (can we meet to talk, jsut thinking of you, missing you, blah, blah, blah) which I mostly ignored. I did let myself get sucked back in once or twice. I counseled with SH and we agreed on a modified Plan B towards the end. H actually had 1 session with Steve Harley. I heard that it finally ended with OW. He had spent all summer calling her 20 to 30 times a day, but she very seldom called him back. She decided to stay with her H.

So he contacted me and started with the I'm not sure what I want speech again. By this time, I was ready to move on and told him so.

We are now recovering. I would have bet my life that we never would have gotten here. Just keep reading everyone's stories. They all follow the same script. I found a lot of comfort in that while I was in Plan B. I still find comfort in that now that we are recovering.

Another little tid-bit. NEVER call oW by her name. It makes her a person. Refer to her as "your affair partmner" or "so-and-so's wife" or "Mrs. Last Name". I don't know the specifics of your sitch, if OW is till married, or how long the A has been going on, but I know it helped me immenselt to refer to her as a non-person. I called her R.J.'s wife. My son and OW's daughter were in the same class. I referred to the girl as R.J.'s daughter. It was R.J.'s family, R.J.'s house, the road R.J. lives on...you get the point. It was a constant reminder (and still is) that OW was someone else's wife, and had a life and a family with someone else. It was a little reality bringer. My H even now refers to her as "whatshername."

(((LilSis)))

--------------------
Lizzie

BS - 46 (me)
WH - 39
EA started 6-05, PA started 9-05
DD 12-28-05. He moved out on DD
"I'm sorry" letter and false recovery on 4-12-06
A resumed May 06 to August 06.
Recovery started 9-29-06.
2 boys (mine) still at home - ages 18 and 12 who were very close to their stepfather

awaiting Mimi's story.........

Ask me some questions. I'm LAZY....
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I am very, very, very HAPPY today and I'm having LOTS OF FUN this weekend with my H....

He acts like he NEVER had an AFFAIR..like he's FORGOTTEN IT or something... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You think I imagined our HORRIBLE he was to me...and that he was IN LOVE with the OW???? It feels that way.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

We met some new people this weekend and he went on and on about how long we've been together and how wonderful I am, etc....

some others in plan B have also said this thread would be a help to them so if anyone is willing.....please share your story!

mimi

it was very helpful for me to hear how awful your H treated you, how positive he was that your marraige was over, you had fals recoveries, had a legal seperation, and that he and OW were living together

even with extremely bad things, that make it look like there is no hope....things CAN change completely and your marraige can be saved

this is WHY you have so much hope when others have none....because you have been there and seen that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Mimi I agree with Eve..

I read your thread when it was bumped up for LiLSis. It was very helpful in the sense that all the wisdom you share here it made me realise that you felt just like we do. It made it real to me.

I thought oh boy Mimi felt insecure... plus it gives me hope that maybe this will work for me.

Still

EXACTLY!! I do not have the words to tell you how AMAZED I AM at how much my H and marriage have changed to the POSITIVE. It's like we are NOW LIVING the NEXT CHAPTER of the STORY OF US and we HAD to go through THAT HORROR in order to get to THIS.

I'm not at all EXAGGERATING how AWFUL it was...and how WONDERFUL it is NOW...

I'm so THANKFUL that I DID NOT GIVE UP.

PLAN B only lasted about 2 months for me. PLAN A lasted longer...too long, really....because by the end of my contact with him..before PLAN B..I was actually ENABLING the AFFAIR...

Keep in mind, though, that from the VERY START ALMOST after D-DAY..my H told me that he was coming back..wanted to come back but "COULDN'T"..from the very beginning ALMOST..he knew that it was an ADDICTION to her..an OBSESSION with HER is what he called it..he clearly was not planning on MARRYING her..just wanted to ENJOY HER...he was ADDICTED to the FEELINGS she created in him ...these FACTORS probably do make my situation different from some others...

The key was PLAN A, letting him know that the OLD ME was still there..that was what he was SEEKING and THOUGHT that he FOUND in HER..the ROMANTIC FEELINGS that he had lost...I don't think WHO SHE WAS AS A PERSON MATTERED THAT MUCH as the ILLUSION..so in fact he did USE HER...It took PLAN B for him to REALLY get to know HER...

What was true was...like STEVE SAID..he LOVED ME ONCE and he remembered that...I REMINDED HIM OF THAT during PLAN A..that I was LOVEABLE and knew how to create a SPARK..and I knew that he could LOVE ME AGAIN if I claimed my territory...not just through SF..but all the other things that I KNEW were important to him but that I had stopped doing in taking him for granted..

Does that mean for us that our WS didn't say they wanted to come back it's probably not going to work? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Still

I'm not saying that AT ALL..

I'm trying to be CAREFUL not to assume that everyone's experience will be like mine..

I am MAKING IT CLEAR THAT I'm telling MY STORY...without the EXPECTATION that everyone's will END LIKE MINE...

I sooo want EVERYONE to end up as HAPPY as I AM...

I WANT YOU GUYS TO TAKE WHAT YOU FIND TO BE HELPFUL AND TRASH THE REST....

I need to ADD that, although my H was TELLING ME THAT HE WAS COMING BACK, HE TRULY WANTED TO MAKE IT WORK WITH THE OW and kept TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK WITH HER..up until the very end...

And, too, moreso than not, the As that I've read about and come to know about in my reading and on here, pretty much follow the SAME SCRIPT or PATTERN...

Can you tell we try to grasp at anything?

I know I wnat the easy answers that are just not there.

Still

look.....never say never...click on link in signature....success....??

wow send me on my way

THAT'S a 180 isn't it!

but hey! everyone stop filling all of this thread up with success stories or there'll be no room for mine...

i'll try to squeeze it in right here......

************

hmmmmmmmmmmm still hoping and praying.....ain't even close

************

gee....i thought it would take more room than that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

(i'm practicing to become the queen of sarcasim comedy)

Why not become a GODDESS and live a SUCCULENT, WILD LIFE???

Are you interested in a GODDESS ASSIGNMENT FOR TODAY?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

thanks for the offer BUT

i don't have time for any assignment until i finish the one i have....

my final paper is due on friday!

as soon as i get home from work...it's back to work

i HATE having to take these classes!!

Bump. There's a lot of us in Plan B...please remind us why again?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This isn't a Plan B story but it was inspiring to me and my H.

TRUE STORY:
A man married woman in 1965. They had two children but he bar-hopped incessantly and lied and cheated on her repeatedly so she divorced him in 1969.

She tried dating again but it did not feel comfortable. He continued his wild ways but soon became a Christian and realized what a mess he was making of his life.

During his weekend with their two young kids, he invited her to come along for the ride. She saw his changes, they began seeing each other again and went to see their pastor who remarried them in 1971.

By 1975, they were sharing their testimony at various events to inspire couples who were having marital difficulties that God can work miracles even when things seem devastatingly hopeless.

After my H and I endured D-day #3 (Aug. '06), my H offered to try to find this man to see if he could help hold H accountable on a regular basis. We had not been in touch with them for 22 years, but fortunately they still lived in the same house about 30 minutes away. (They had endured major financial challenges and the man had survived 2 major life-threatening issues but God had helped them persevere and they were/are doing well.)

Since August, my H has met and continues to meet with this mentor for lunch weekly and they both say they are helping each other stay accountable. (He also insisted we go to MC since he is not trained to counsel H, only to share his experiences. His insights for my H to 'see things through my eyes' is one aspect that has contributed to our improved M.)

I met with his wife once who said that she was a Christian when they initially got married but was not really committed. This was the late 60's, pre-MB and they only went to their pastor for counseling when they decided to remarry, which she admitted was far too hastily. But they worked through all their issues with the help of God, their pastor/counselor and their church and have now been married 4 (-2) +36 years!

I am thankful that God worked a miracle in their lives and they are committed to HIM and making a positive impact in the lives of others, including my H and me.

One day, I hope we can do the same thing for others, if not in person, then on these MB forums like so many of you pros and veterans. I hope at least one is inspired by what God has done for this once hopeless couple.

Thanks for reading,
Ace

Hey, GREAT! Success stories outside of MB are WELCOME!!!

Thanks Ace!

My success story (not really a PLAN B story, but a success story nonetheless)--

My D-day occurred in 1999. I didn't find the MB site until about a month after d-day. My initial reaction to discovery was total disbelief-- I remember spending the night in front of the toilet,,, puking.

I had been so HAPPY with my life. I thought we BOTH were happy with life... and in-love. Yet, here was my husband-- saying he fell in-love with OW... too worried about her, and what was happening between her and her H, to even notice that I was in the bathroom,,, puking.

The next morning, I was eerily calm. I wanted to piece together a "game plan" to fix this. It never occurred to me that H really loved this OW... that I wasn't the FIRST CHOICE... that I was the default choice (if by chance things with OW didn't materialize).

Within a few days following d-day, it finally clicked in my silly, little pooh-brain that I wasn't even in H's game plan-- and fear set in! (and along with the fear came the anger... and along with the anger came the fight-flight instinct).

And so, not having this site for information, I initially FOUGHT. One moment I was fighting for my own sanity, and the next minute I was fighting for both of us and the marriage. But mostly, I fought against my H (lovebusting horribly by telling him what an inconsiderate, selfish [censored] he was)...

Within a month following d-day, it was painfully apparent to me that H was not willing to give up contact with OW; nor was he willing to discuss any details of the affair; nor was he being honest with me about anything.

And that's when I shut down. Literally. No plan A from me. I withdrew from life. Told H to get lost, that I didn't need any man, that I didn't want his money, or his children. He could have OW, the house, the kids, the cars. All I wanted was the clothes on my back. And, I meant it too. It wasn't an act to get his pity, or his attention, or to shake him into reality.

So, I guess I didn't really Plan A, or Plan B. I simply withdrew. I gave up. I surrendered. I didn't want to fight what I couldn't see or understand-- I thought, "Who in their right mind would enter a battlefield blindfolded??"

I'm honestly not sure what happened in the next few months. The weeks all seemed to blur together. I did find this site-- and familiarized myself with the concepts, and tried to buy into the fact that I should be Plan A'ing H, but I just couldn't do it... blame it on stupidity, or pride, or apathy/ambiguity.

During this time, H and I remained under the same roof... and he remained in contact with OW. Somewhere along the line, things with H and OW began to unravel. I'm not clear on the details. I honestly don't know if the break-up was a mutual decision, or if H was dropped by OW (??). I do know that OW initiated NC (and that OW/OWH visited my H at his office to make certain he "got the message.")

Soon after, H had what I would call a turn-around. Wanted to work on marriage, wanted to renew wedding vows, actually PLAN A'd me-- to bring me back to the marriage.

I was so wishy-washy during that first year following d-day. I didn't know if I really wanted the marriage, yet I was too much of a chicken-****** to get a divorce. Then there was the guilt from the kids (two teens, who wanted us to work things out).

Looking back, I probably didn't do anything *right* that first year (according to MB rules). And, yet, here I stand-- 7.5 years later, still married to the same guy... and, gulp, happy (even though I swore I'd never love him again).

So, what do I think saved us? SHEER DETERMINATION NOT TO BE SEEN AS A FAILURE (most importantly in each other's eyes).

I remember saying to my H that it was because I generally LIKED him-- even when I couldn't love him-- that kept me married to him.

I honestly believe that if you can have a friendship with your spouse-- if you yearn to share yourself with him/her just because you know they "get you," if you need to hear from them that you are not a failure in their eyes in order for your world to seem "righted"-- then you can most certainly find your way back to each other...

(EVEN if you royally screw up along the way)

Peace, ~Marie

Thanks for posting your inspiring story, Marie. I pray I'll have one like yours someday.

I posted another inspiring story a couple days ago, but when I realized the thread title said "Plan B" stories, I pulled it, offering to email it to anyone who wanted to read it instead.

Now that you've posted your 'non Plan B' story, I reposted it. The fact that the couple got divorced and remarried 36 years ago made a huge impact on my H and me.

Thanks,
Ace