I need help here. My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. In November 2005, I was foolish, got through really rough moments and cheated on her. I realized how stupid I was and decided to tell her. I confessed, answered all the questions she had (if this was an ongoing thing, which it wasn't at all) over the following few days, told her I loved her, was sorry, and told her I will do everything I need to do to regain her love and trust. I decided that the year would be hers. Everything would be for her, no matter how much energy I need to burn to regain her love and trust. And she mentioned some things she didn't like and I changed from one day to the next. For her.

We went to counseling and after a while she decided to stop. After stopping, she became more distant. A lot more. And it made everything a lot more difficult, and the pain was extreme. However, I was still doing everything I could to make it work. I had decided it would. When she became distant, I noticed that things changed and started having doubts. Then more doubts. And some more, until I actually had proofs that she had cheated on me several times, with several persons, the last one only 6 weeks ago. I also believe that one of her dear friends is encouraging some of this behaviour. She admitted but was really apologetic, although she did say she loved me again. but her actions and her words don't match. She spends a lot of time with her friends and not much with me.
She doesn't work at this stage. And hasn't for 8 years. We have no kids (which is probably best at this time) and I would really love to have kids (not her). So, she has all the time in the world, while I work 60-70hrs a week. And yet, she doesn't find time for me when I try to be home.

So, am I supposed to just deal with this, being the first to fault? Is it over and I'm not able to let go? Is she staying to enjoy the lifestyle, and it's up to me to decide if it can stay like this? Besides the cheating she's done several things that I really didn't agree with (big tattoos among other things) after I said not, and without telling me...

No more counseling now. Besides the last times we went, she was seeing someone and was outright lying, so I really don't see the point. I would understand that it's over, if she doesn't want to go over things. I faulted. But I did everything to regain her love and trust. If there is no second chance, do I need to keep banging my head on a wall and accept that it will be like that, and this is it? And whenever she feels like meeting someone, she can say she wasn't the first??

Hello nase,

I went back and read all your old posts.

So things still aren't going well huh? Sorry about that.I think one major issue is the counseling stopped.It sounds like your W never really has healed and it did sound like you were sincere and were trying hard.I think most of us here can spot a phoney a mile away.

However,an A changes people in such profound ways.It is extremely hard to recover from an A and your W sounds lost and confused.Having what seems to be revenge affairs or just plain bad choices isn't helping anything either.

I can understand your W's feelings but this isn't part of healthy behavior either.And she has to stop punishing you too.Yes there may be a time where YOU have to let go if she won't work on the marriage.It may be she doesn't feel anything is left to salvage.Even though you went first in the cheating department,that doesn't mean she can do whatever she wants.She's in the marriage or out.

Actions speak louder than words.So,if your W will not make a decision to work on the marriage and make it better,then you also have some tough choices to make.You can't go on like that forever.It isn't fair to either one of you.

Indeed, I can't say that 2006 was fun at all. Besides, to add to the complexity a bit, I'm not sure I was the first to fault. I knew something was up 6 months before I had proofs and confessions (at least partial). In the past year, my intuition has been spot on each time. And my intuition tells me that something happened before I faulted. I have no proof, but considering the recent events, it's hard not to listen to it.
I truly have the impression that she's staying because she can go on living a life without the need to work (I make ok money but not tons either), take care of kids etc. In short, the relationship is entirely one way as far as responsibilities are concerned.

As for counseling, I'm not sure it ever helped. After all, we've gone there 6 months together (I believe she had been honest initially) and she was just lying the whole way.

Well,in the end,it doesn't really matter "who went first".It matters what you both are going to do about it all now.I didn't know you went to counseling for 6 months.That is a good chunk of time.

Anyway,it still comes down to both parties working on the marriage.If one won't,refuses or waffles,then you have to make decisions based on your own wellbeing.

We went for 4 months. Then she decided to stop. And we went back for another 6 months. So, nearly a year total. The second period was because I asked and I realized only recently that she'd been lying during sessions.
She is nice to me, at home, says nice things, but her actions don't match her words. And I have the impression that she says things just to keep things under relative control where she can do what she wants without committing to anything, and with me still having hope when things get really tough.

So,what's your plan?

I have no plan. I've tried everything I could. Counselor, no counselor, holidays, staying home, take her out, eat at home be there whenever she needs, give her space, told her I forgave her (and I mean it, I'm not the type to hold grudge) for the affairs...but I can't even say that it stopped and I don't see any sign of improvement.

nase,

How about this for a plan. You go to a lawyer and you file for divorce, citing irrconcillable (sp) differences. Do you know why I am saying this? One little statement in your first post on this thread. You don't have children together, and you want children and she does not.

Mister, that "little" disagreement in how the future of your lives is going to go, is a deal breaker.

Further, she has cheated, and you have cheated. She shows little effort to recover. Mister, with no children, there is no reason for this mess to continue. The affairs show very clearly that this marriage IS NOT meeting either of your needs or expectations. GET OUT NOW.

Please consider this and consider it carefully. I will also point out that even Harley states if his W had an affair, and they had no children, he would most likely divorce her.

This is not a marriage at all costs site. It is a place to get information on how to save marriages that might otherwise be lost to lack of knowledge on the parts of both parties. In this case, with both of you having affairs AND you having divergent views on having children (the main purpose of the institution of marriage), I suggest you strongly consider filing for divorce.

Your call, and it is your future.

I hope this post gives you some food for thought.

God Bless,

JL

As much as I hate to admit it, it does make a lot of sense :-(

nase,

I know you hate to admit it. We all enter marriage with high expectations and hopes. Saving one is tough, ending one is even tougher, but sometimes the later is required.

It really is your call. If you read all of the articles on this site and they don't give you a strong sense of hope, then my guess is that a lot of water has passed under the bridge.

I wish you the best on your decision. If you decide to fight for it I and others will help.

God Bless,

JL

nase,

I would suggest you give yourself a time frame when you will decide to D.Unless you want to go on for infinity wondering if your W will ever come around,you have to have a time in mind that you will stop trying.

It's one of the saddest things to think about a marriage ending but they do.I used to wonder how it could be that way and now I know.Marriage is well worth fighting for but it can only survive if both spouses believe it is and work at it.

This is more than just the A's now,it's a lack of understanding and committment to making the marriage work.The very basis for it's survival,and she isn't helping.It also may be that filing for a D or talking about it will wake her up to how serious you are but if she doesn't stop it,or she has too much pride to step up then you will know.The marriage will be saved last minute or she will let it sink.

So if it means anything to her anymore,to be married to you and the vows she took,she will get in there.If not,then who would want to be married to a person who didn't care? You may have to let it all go.

Well, we had a long chat today. As I said, she doesn't work and I work a lot and she has often complained that I wasn't available enough (which is true but required by a 60-70hrs work week)...So I told her I wanted a new job where I don't have to take work home every evening, every weekend, every holidays on top of the already big hours and because of my background I do have lots of really well paid opportunities, however, not in my town. Her answer was 'my friends are here and I want to stay here'.

Not sure how you can be the one not working, not raising kids and decide where to live...and yet complain that your spouse works too much...seems like I'm fighting the hydra.

Yet, I know I love her :-(

nase,

Do you love the woman you think you married or the woman you are married to? That is something you have to decide.

Once that is figured out, then I think your decision tree will fall into line.

God Bless,

JL

Right now, it's hard to say I love her. She is so selfish, it's unreal. All she does is to have fun, go clubbing (by herself) until late (3am, 4am etc...), exercise, and spend time with her friends...always has time for her friends...for me, not so.
But I'm worried to call it a quit, because I'm hopeful that she would be again the generous and caring person she once was...or are we to expect that people change, and there is nothing we can do about it?
Also, there are lots of red flags...her car locked in the garage always (she used to leave it unlocked) and the spare key nowhere to be found, a pwd on her cell phone, new pwds on her email, etc...

nase,

This is why you have to give yourself a time limit that you will put up with this kind of behavior.You can only change **yourself.

So,if your W continues living basically independently and not working on the marriage,what exactly do you have anyway? Sure you can be afraid to give that up and hope and pray she will change,but you could be waiting a long time.Meanwhile your life is passing you by and it's a painful thing to endure.

If your W will not come to the table to help make the marriage better and you have given it your all,you can safely say you did what you could and it's time to move on.That's what many of us have to do.I did.Don't let the fear of what if's cloud your judgment.Look at reality ok?

Truthfully, all my friends say the same thing...I'm trying to convince myself that things aren't as bleak as they look. My friends know both sides of the story, for many of them...they know everything, and still don't understand why I wait. i guess I'm just really worried. My last 10 years were with her. So it's difficult to imagine the following years without her.

nase,

No one here usually tells you to go and get a D right out of the gate.Speaking for myself,I do believe very much that it is important to give the marriage the best you can for as long as you can before deciding on something as serious as a D.

Set a time frame.A goal.It doesn't have to be next month or even 3 months from now.That will depend on you alone,what you are comfortable with.Not friends,not family.Just you.

The alternative is to go on hoping and wondering when she will come around.And what are you really doing with your life then? I truly do not believe that any one person gets carte blanche in our lives.She cannot go on treating you this way anymore than she should expect that of you.She wants to live life like a single girl but she is married to you and she needs to stop ignoring that fact.If she doesn't,then again,you have choices to make for YOURSELF.

Many of us have had to give up long term marriages,myself included.But what I had was no longer a marriage.That was the reality.It was enormously painful to end it.I wanted so much more for myself and certainly my kids.But it wasn't to be.You can survive and make a happy life for yourself again.It is possible.

Well, in august 06, I had already told myself that if things were going on like this I would tell her we need to divorce early february. Apparently I can cope with a bit more...but I've already extended the timeframe.
I do agree though. She's just hoping to get a free ride. she wants zero reponsibilities.