Well. Where to begin?

First, I logged in as a new user, but actually I am one of the old-timers around here. Many thousand posts. I still frequent the site and post regularly. When I first came here over 7 years ago, I was one of those who wanted to make my marriage work out but did not. I ended up divorced after finding out about my spouse's infidelity.

I did the "program". I learned a lot. I know, without a doubt in my heart that I became a better person, and would be a better spouse myself. After being divorced for several years, and three before I let myself become deeply involved with anyone else, I remarried to a person who believed a LOT as I did. I just knew that I had a million times better chance for a successful relationship than I ever had. They shared many of the thoughts that I had, the views that I learned here, and in all reality had practiced them.

I was wrong.

I just found out that my spouse was recently unfaithful to me, with an "old-flame" from years back.

That's not even the bad part.

After all of it (I think) has surfaced, seems as though the FIRST infidelity was just 17 days after we married. That was right about 2 years ago. I'm not guessing. They have confessed to the one recently, and now to the one back then.

Needless to say, I am devastated.

And ashamed. Hence me not using my identity.

Oh well.....

My heart goes out to you I_D. Words cannot describe the pain you are going through. I liken it to the image of a scab being ripped of a wound - actually more like being ripped in two.

Just remember, you are still the better person you became back then.

There is really a couple of things that aren't sitting well with me as of now...........

Both times were single incidents - quickies if you will - this is 100% confirmed. There is no "relationship" if one wants to refer to it that way.

Spouse is adamant about not wanting to split. Has apologized and apologized profusely.

Over 2 years between the incidents - some will argue and disagree with me possibly.....but.....seriously.....100% confirmed that there was NO contact between them between these incidents. Trust me....without going into the details, there was no contact, nada, none, zero, zilch in the past 2 years, but....within 10 minutes of contact, they end up together physically. That bothers the he!! out of me....

That shoots my sexual ego down as low as it can get...permananently....This I know with all of my heart...I can never live with them again...


I had a brief suspcicion on the first one years back....no real proof.....decided that it was my own hang-ups and new "commitment" causing me to read more into things than were there....Not enough evidenc to really even consider even being rational with all I had learned here on the site. Am sure that most here would have advised me the same at the time...

Oh....one of the other things really bugging me? Nowhere near determining a "why" as of yet. Even though spouse is familiar with concepts here....Says I was meeting all needs....(our R was as perfect as could expect)...Due to certain circumstances (again, no details)...I was doing things that anyone that knew us was saying "Wow! You would never find a step-parent to assume THOSE responsibilities...." We were in a couple of unique situations that not very many people have to undertake in a lifetime....


Sheesh.....

did you share why your first marraige had broken up?

If so, i can't beleive that you new H would ever put you through this h*ll after knowing you have already lived through it once.

also, if your H had SF with a person within 10 minutes of seeing them again after so long, i would suspect they had planned it out through many contacts before they got togther BOTH times. Have you asked this? I can't imagine they just bumped into each other by accident and ended up naked can you?

If they were in contact prior to the encounters each time, it is an emotional affair that became physical once, and then was planned out to happen again.

i'm sorry this is happening to you

what do YOU want to do about your marraige?

Likewise, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Most of us have been through ******, but in your case, its like reliving it all over again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, Eph is right: you ARE still the better person, and nobody can change that.

Yes...Both of our first marriages broke up due to infidelity. Theirs as well as mine. We both knew each others pasts extensively.



Believe me....I know the denials and red-flag scenarios too well after being here this long...I can guarantee you that there was no contact for the 2 years leading up to this recent incident. To clarify something - There of course was the one conversation when they initially ran into each other at the same place after not seeing each other for that length of time....Agreed to have a cup of coffee (yes, they said they don't know why they even agreed to THAT, and was stupid for doing so)....next thing you know....well...you know the rest...


What am I going to do? Well...trust is shot, for sure. And really, the why is actually irrelevant....that easy and that quick to happen is deeper than unmet EN's..There are flaws there that MB techniques cannot fix....

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That shoots my sexual ego down as low as it can get...permananently....This I know with all of my heart...I can never live with them again...
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Sorry you are here again... but please dont go here, you know it has nothing to do with you at any level right? WS decided to do it for her, for her own WS selfish reasons.



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Oh....one of the other things really bugging me? Nowhere near determining a "why" as of yet.
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Please stay calm and be strong.

Was it with the same person the two times?
If so what are they supposed to be, old friends? Co-workers?
Or with complete strangers?
How old is your WS?

It doesnt really makes sense, unless your WS has some hidden issues <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What do you want to do with your M?

And also what how your WS assuring you it wont happen in the future?

I_D,

I think the good doctor would point out that this is the very reason why no contact must be for life. It may be that easy to fall off the wagon when an opportunity presents itself. Especially when the original bond between the partners was never really severed.

I've been posting a series on fishing in the recreation forum and one of my posts deals with how to entice a fish to bite when it isn't looking for food. What a fisherman does is to find a trigger that creates the response of biting the bait, even though the fish had no intention of eating to begin with.

People are a lot like that. There are certain things that will cause us to do things we have no intention of doing and would even be willing to bet that it could never happen just because we don't want it to happen. Pavlov's dogs salivated at the sound of a bell, even when no food was forthcoming. To avoid this kind of reaction, the trigger must be identified and avoided like life itself depends on it. In this case, the OP or a memory from the past involving the OP may be just such a trigger.

I know this doesn't make it feel any better and I know that you are probably in so much pain right now that nothing will help much, but it should be a lesson to every FWS and every BS as to why NC must be just that; NO CONTACT, NONE, NADA, ZIP, ZILCH, ZERO...NEVER!



My heart breaks for you I_D. I have nothing of value to offer but this; I will pray for you...

Mark

Yes, same person both times.

Not an inkling of the spouse wanting out of our marriage. Not a doubt, spouse says. Wants to be with me forever, and the OP is nothing to them. OP is single, mid 30's...Spouse is same age, mid 30's.

Spouse commented that there looks to be a "sexual" weakness for the OP for some reason. Of course it is probably from the WS script, but spouse does honestly seem to be at a loss as to the "why". Try not to beat me up on that comment...but..........after the length of time I have been in a R with them, they do seem sincere as to being as confused as I am....

But, really....I don't look very intelligent in all of this mess after all, anyway...do I?

There it is in a nutshell...Unless they never run into each other again, even if by chance, I am sure the possibility of it happening again is higher than I am willing to live with.

I am convinced that it they get within each other's line of vision again, [censored] is going to happen. Isn't that obvious? As long as both of them are here on earth together, that is a real possibility. And I am not the type to try to eliminate one or the other....

Right now, there is only one thing that I can say with 100% certainity...


..This hurts. This frickin' hurts like hades. The first one years ago can not even hold a candle to this one..

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This is so scary and I can't believe how people can do this, mostly NOT if they have went through the pain of infidelity thmeselves. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
BIG cyber HUG for you!!!!!
bb

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Yes, same person both times.

But, really....I don't look very intelligent in all of this mess after all, anyway...do I? --------------------------

Actually you look very intelligent, or you would be in plan D.

quote:---------------_
There it is in a nutshell...Unless they never run into each other again, even if by chance, I am sure the possibility of it happening again is higher than I am willing to live with.

I am convinced that it they get within each other's line of vision again, [censored] is going to happen. Isn't that obvious? As long as both of them are here on earth together, that is a real possibility. And I am not the type to try to eliminate one or the other....
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Again I ask, who is the OP? Old friend?... what? How does this person comes out of the blue with a 2 year timeframe?


And, are you sure your WS is not “running”from guilt by using the "sexual" weakness? Or is hidding some kind of inner “fear”, “weakness”, “secret?


I am sorry to point these at this time of pain, and please experts, beat me up and shut me down, is this is wrong…but,
Is by any chance your WS using you as married to the nice, perfect person, parent, spouse but kept some kind of secret old crush for someone else unavailable for a long term R???

I am sorry, but it really seam so out of sense that someone would do this to you, following MB, knowing about your past experience.

I am no expert, I am just saying this based on my own person, I mean, we all eventually at some point in our life meet someone that we might feel any kind of strong atraction to… it’s what we do with that, that defines us… and it’s so hard to imagine that someone following MB would fall fot it.



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Right now, there is only one thing that I can say with 100% certainity...


..This hurts. This frickin' hurts like hades. The first one years ago can not even hold a candle to this one..

I bet it does. I can only imagine and feel my own pain so small compared.

You have to be such a good and strong person or God wouldn’t let you go thru this.


On another side… Are you in some kind of fog yourself so you do not face such overwhelming pain, holding to your WS “honesty”?

Be strong, you know you have to and you can, you know no matter what the pain will lessen.

Have you called the Harleys? Your situation may not be unique but it sure is not the most common.

You'll be in my prays.

They were introduced briefly a year or so before we began to see each other. They saw each other a few times (don't know exactly how many, but those who know say less than 5 times). At that time, the OP had found a little trouble and was looking at some minor "white-collar" "time". Totally against spouse's grain to be involved with someone in a mess like that, especially since an R had not had time to develop to a critical point. Spouse broke it off at that time when they found out.

They ran into each other right before OP had to go away for the white collar stuff and a mild case of contempt. That was the escapade after we married. Just a few days or weeks after that, OP left and was locked up for the 2 years. That is how I am positive there was no contact during that time. OP was many states away. OP even says there was no contact with spouse during that time, and those people familiar to both sides concur that was the case.

And what happens, now that he's out?

17 days after your wedding? That's got to hurt - and real bad too. Frankly, if I was you, I would walk away from this M, for that alone. At least it took the OM in my case 18 months to worm his way into my W's underwear, and that happened when our 13-year M was at a down point and also after she'd suffered two very traumatic incidents. 10 minutes, after sharing a cup of coffee? Yes, I'd walk away.

i don't honestly know what i'd do if i were you

i do know that his doing this to you after having it happen to him in his 1st marraige....knowing how it destroys a person

and doing it more than once

i don't know how i would forgive that OR trust him with my heart again

but only you can decide

(my H isn't a piller of virture either, and i am still willing to forgive)

ID,

I am sorry you are back. Since I have been here a long time I was wondering if I posted to you when you here before.

I have no idea what to suggest to you, but I do have a few thoughts.

1. You have nothing to be embarressed about. You made your vows and you have kept them. She is NOT your property and you don't have any control over her behavior and decisions.

2. It would seem that you have a good idea of what has gone on.

Given those two points and your lack of an answer as to why? she allowed herself to violate her boundaries, her vows, and her marriage, I would have serious doubts about remaining.

Could you please elaborate on how you found out about the second one. I may have missed it in your initial post but I don't recall you saying. I know you are torn up about this, but I would suggest you wait awhile and sort out your feelings. And perhaps you will learn something additional that may make your decision clearer.

God Bless,

JL

PS: When you feel comfortable I would like to know your previous incarnation on this site.

Hello, JL....Yes, we have posted to each other many times, and posted to others on the same threads.

This sucks, you know?

You asked:


Would you believe that I actually stumbled into it? The spouse is/was out of town about 4 hours away on a project, and probably will be for a few more weeks. I actually started out by deceiving spouse, but with no malice intended. I had been called to a last-minute meeting in another town just an hour or so away from the spouse. So...I decided to surprise them. I never let them know I was that close. I was going to drop in and have a nice dinner, etc. The not disclosing my whereabouts to them did not cause me any concern because they had always seemed to love a last minute surprise.

When I got in the immediate area, they were telling me what they were planning, where they were, etc. However....I was at one place at the precise moment that they said they were.

But they weren't. That flew the first red flag that I had seen in years. Just a few moments later a blatant lie came out, with them having no idea I KNEW they had just lied to me.

I knew then....Geez I knew something.....

To make a long story short, I knew where spouse was staying and I caught them. No way out of it.

That led to a "come-to-truth" meeting or so I think. Hindsight is 20/20, so after a little prodding about my concerns from a couple years ago, out it came.

I'm not doing anything sudden right now. No major decisions. But....I don't know up from down...

I'll consider the last request. I can't see myself ever making it public knowledge my past, but there are a few that I may uncover myself to.

When you say you were going to surprise them. Did you know she was with somebody, or did you know she was with OM? I am a bit confused. I presume that you caught your W and OM at the hotel.

Is she still away now, or did she come home with you? Are you home by yourself now?

Lots of questions. I am a bit confused.

Hang in there ID you will know the right thing to do in time.

God Bless,

JL

Sorry for the confusion. A lot of it is intended, as I have been trying to keep the genders somewhat secret to keep y'all from narrowing it down. With that, I need to stop that because it could get very confusing...

I am the BH. She is the WW. I have been using "they" and "them" for that reason.

I intended on surprising her. Maybe call her from the cell and ask her to look out her window and be standing there with a rose and a smile or such. She normally likes little romantic gestures like that. That is why I sort of deceived her and did not let her know that I was in her area.

I had absolutely NO idea that she was with anyone. I totally assumed she was alone. While arriving where she was at I was talking to her on the cell phone, all the while not letting her know where I was. During the convo she remarked that she had to step out for a moment to get some fuel. She remarked that she was at a certain gas station close to where she was staying. But...at that precise moment, I was there. She wasn't. HUGE flag...

Then, a little later there was a blatant deceit that I detected. Uh-oh...what is happening, I asked myself....

Immediately after that, while speaking to me she was also speaking to a person at a shop that we both knew. I then knew her exact location. She had remarked that she had a meeting coming up in the next few minutes that she needed to attend. After the lies that I caught, I managed to get to where I knew she was and followed her from there. To make a long story short, there were a couple of things that weren't adding up. Normally, they would have been miniscule and I would have thought nothing of them. However, with the recent events I was worried and concerned.

I followed her to a place that she entered. I maneuvered myself to where I could see inside.

That was when I saw all that I needed to. I recognized the person. He is from where we live, so that means that he was several hours from home as well.

I then followed them to where I wish I hadn't. I did not confront until the next day. Of course she tried to lie about it, but after telling her things that she then knew I had to have been there to know, she knew she was caught.

Since the OP was the one that there was a question about 2 years ago, I wanted everything out there in the open. She confesssed to it as well.

I hope that clears things up a bit.

BTW...She is still there, and may be for up to 3 or 4 more weeks. THAT is making this even more difficult...Of course trust is shot to he!! right now. ANy time period at all without hearing from her, and...you know what I assume...makes life pretty miserable right now.