This is my first post, I was really glad to find this site because i've been very lost laterly.
My wife left me 7 days ago and I don't know what to do.

Here is our background. I met my wife 4 years ago when she was 20 and I was 28. She was pregnant after 6 months and we got married because we were madly in love. We have now been married 3 yrs and have a 3 and 1 yr old child. We've had numerous problems over the years and have discussed divorce 5 times but this time it is for real. Before we separated last week we had a heart to heart discussion and I now feel very badly for some things I have done and want things to work but she doesn't. She has been very depressed lately and sits in the bathtub for hours crying. I try to console her but does not react to my attempts. She said she's been unhappy for over a year and felt like I was a stranger and did not feel I loved and respected her and she now felt so empty and lost. She stated she could no longer go on like this and found an apartment by her mothers house.

She said it all started after she had our first child. She started experiencing bouts of anxiety and depression and did not feel like I was there for here when she needed me the most. I admit I did not understand her emotional needs and tried to talk her out of the anxiety and depression when she just needed me to listen and be there for her. She said it made her feel stupid for being so emotional, invalidated her feelings and from that point on lost faith that I would always been there for her when she needed me and could not confide in me with her deepest emotions. She said little by little it got worse after I was arrested and started going out to the bar with my friends more often. She felt as if I did not always put our family 1st. During our last fight 3 months ago I called her crazy and said I could not longer put up with her erratic behavior. From that point on she felt like I was blaming all of our marital problems on her anxiety and depression when she felt as if her anxiety and depression was because of our bad relationship. She asked me to see a marriage counselor but I thought it was stupid.

How wrong I know I was! I do not blame everything on myself but from what I now understand I caused most of it to happen. I tried to reconcile with her and said SORRY more times than I can remember but she said it is not enough anymore. She is now afraid to try a reconciliation because she is afraid it will just happen again whether it be 6 months or 10 yrs from now. She said she is just not in love with me anymore because I broke her heart a long time ago and she didn't know if she could ever love me again.

What do I do? I am desperate for some advice, I really still do love my wife and never intended to hurt he so badly. I just didn't understand how to react to her anxiety and depression.

I had to think about this and sleep on it before answering. It's a very difficult position you're in and there's a lot we don't know about your situation. You said you "feel very badly for some things I have done" but don't mention what those were. Depending on what those things were, you may be looking at an impossible task.

Without knowing much about the situation, here are Rob's personal rules for when everything goes wrong:

- Don't beg her to come back and cry on her shoulder that you can't live without her. That's the worst possible thing you can do.

- If you find out that she's decided to "date" or spend any time with another man, don't show jealousy in any fashion. That's even worse than begging her to come back and guarantees you're out of the picture forever.

- Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life. Offer her any assistance you can in terms of financial, practical, a friend to call on, etc. If you're not "squared away" yourself, why would she want to come back to you?

- Be willing to take her out on dates that meet her needs of affection and communication. That means (among other things) that maybe you buy her a simple flower (single rose, carnation, etc.) and hand it to her when you pick her up. It means you could send a short note once in a while to let her know you care and are thinking of her. Most importantly, it means that even though you once had a strong, familiar and sexual relationship, you don't now so don't even try to make those moves without her consent and desire. It doesn't mean that you send a dozen roses every week, long letters and poetry and you certainly don't make your phone number every other pair of digits on her Caller ID.

- Most importantly, all of the above has to be sincere because you care for her, not because you're trying not to lose something you already lost. If she can find a way to love you again, the world can be yours. If she can't (and there's an equal chance that she'll tell you to buzz off), you need to come to terms with that and move on. Carrying a torch for a woman who (presently) wants nothing to do with you guarantees that she never will and puts you in a position to miss the best parts of your life (32 is very young in the grand scheme of things).

I hope it all works out for both of you.

Best Wishes,

Rob

Rob,
Thanks I really appreciate your reply!

I feel bad about......
1) Not understanding her anxiety and depression and being there for her when she needed me
2) Going out to the bar 3 times a week with my buddies and not wearing my wedding ring (I have never cheated on her nor do I feel she has)
3) Getting arrested on drug charges when she begged me to stop (I am clean now)
4) Not showing her enough affection
5) Continually arguing with her mother and never visiting them with her on the weekends which made her fell like I did not respect her family.
6) Being cheap and skimping on her Birthday and Valentines day Ect....
7) Continually complaining about her spending

I know I sound very selfish and am embarrassed of my actions. I know that it doesn't look good for me and I am trying to cope with that. We have already separated all of our belongings and I started paying her the standard child support and alimony to pay for her apartment. I begged her not to leave after we had the heart to heart discussion but all she did was cry and said she was afraid of being unhappy the rest of her life and did not want to take the risk anymore, and I don't blame her. She said it is too bad I have finally come to this realization when she was constantly trying to get me to change. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she didn't know but also didn't want to reconcile. She asked me not to start seeing someone else during the separation and I asked the same of her and I feel she is being sincere. We are trying to decide if a divorce is the only option. I told her I am a changed man and wanted her back but she said she didn't want to make any hasty decisions.

Where do I go from here?????

Also, I did not mention we both have numerous friends of the opposite sex me more than her. They are truly only friends. Most of my girlfriends I have never dated and knew them before I met her when I was in college. She has never accused me of cheating on her but I wonder if this was always in the back of her mind. Is this normal or was I stepping over the boundary?

The good news is that it doesn't sound as dire as it could! You've changed and said as much to her. Consider it a VERY positive sign that she doesn't want you dating during the separation AND that she hasn't entirely decided on divorce.

I'm not going to say you have a rosy picture. It's hard on a woman to see the man she admired get arrested, spend his time drunk and doing drugs. It kills her a little bit every day and I know you already know this.

Continue to take care of her and the kids with every resource you have. Be there for her and the extended family. Show her the affection she's missing, listen when she talks and get to know her all over again. It sounds like you have a wonderful woman in your life who still loves you but doesn't remember why because she isn't "in love with you" anymore.

I know what it's like to have most of your friends of the opposite sex; my wife and I have been that way most of our lives. On the other hand, especially at times like this, having those friends can make her feel vulnerable and insecure. Make sure that your deeds match your words and don't do anything that would cast so much as a shadow of doubt on your faitfulness. I've never understood why, but women will often put up with and forgive addiction and abuse for years but one incidence of infidelity and they'll never trust again.

Most importantly, if you haven't already done so, find an addiction/rehab group you can participate in just to validate to yourself that you're clean now and forever. The bar scene has to disappear forever and at any cost if she is to trust you to keep your promise.

Dates, birthday and Valentine's gifts don't have to be expensive or extravagent (in fact, that can backfire if the money doesn't support it) but they do have to be meaningful. When I say meaningful, I mean something as simple as showing up with a red carnation, picking up a large Frosty at the Wendy's drive-thru and sharing it while sitting on a bench and just chatting just before sunset at the city park - you'd be surprised at how meaningful and memorable such a simple date like that can be.

Be the man she needs and wants you to be, prove her worst fears are over and her dreams just may have come true and I expect that a lot of her depression will go away. Like I said, it looks like you both still love each other but you have a lot to work on. If you're as sincere as you sound, I know you can do it.

Rob

Rob,
Thanks for the vote of confidence I really needed it. I have been reading a lot of the other forums and your posts and I now realize the only thing I can really do is improve myself so my wife wants to come back. Whenever I tell her I've changed, I love her and ask her to come back it only pressures her and pushes her farther away. I need to become a better man and if she leaves me anyways I at least have that as a positive. Thanks again I think now I am at least headed in the right direction and will be a better man in the end.

Wow how things can change so quickly. I thought I had things figured out but I am now having a hard time deciding what to do. I've been fighting the urge to call her but to this point have not gone thru with it.

Over the last 4 days I've only spoke to her when she calls me. What triggered the situation was numerous calls from her a couple of days ago then a frantic call from her yesterday along with text messages. She has bad anxiety and depression so I do not know what to think. She called me yesterday crying and I almost felt like she wanted me to ask her to come home, I was strong and did not but do not know if I made the right decision. She was upset about how living on her own was so hard and how our 2 children have been so overwhelming. I did not want this to be the reason she came back to me so I offered her a few comforting words and gave her the option to drop the boys off at my house to relieve her stress even though I was not supposed to get them until the weekend. I feel so bad for her because her emotions always get the better of her and set off a panic attack. She did bring over the boys which I was very happy about. What do I do? She is emotionally unstable right now and I do not want to take advantage of the situation, I want her to come back because she loves me and not because she needs me. Some advice would be appreciated.