Is been 18 months since I moved back in with my WS after A/B. Unfortunately I just discovered evidence that she is back at it. WS denys, lies, we all know the story.

I want her to leave but she won't go. Do I have any options besides moving out?

Change the locks and drop her crap on the curb. Yes, she can get a court order to make you let her back in, but it will send a strong message and won't likely come to that.

What kind of evidence are you talking about? Take time to sort it out before acting, unlesss it d&*m solid evidence, then I agree with Jim.

WS is working on her Masters degree. She had a lot of school work to do one weekend so I suggested she get a hotel room and get away from the kids etc. Approximately a week later I find two wine glasses and two burned candles hidden in her drawer. I never saw these before but I thought maybe (and stupidly) they were for us, especially since valentines day was coming up.

This last weekend she had a final term paper due so once again I suggested a hotel weekend. A day before the hotel I found that the wine glasses were gone and in their place was two shot glasses, two candles, and a bottle of whisky in her drawer. It looked to me like a nice little romance kit for her weekend. I removed the items and waited till she got home.

Here first words were "I don't have any idea what the shot glasses are". At that point I knew she was lying. I very specifically asked "why did you put these in your drawer?" Her response was I was being crazy. Finally I said "who is he?" She said there is no he. Then she said she wants a divorce.

So thats my evidence. I really don't think I am jumping to conclusions.

Lao,
Your intuition is most likely correct but that's a big, life altering step (especially for the kids) over circumstantial evidence. Would you feel comfortable remaining cool and covert while you gather more concrete evidence that either confirms suspicions or not?
Still, if you want her out, then Jim's suggestion would probably work, it would also be interesting to see where she'd go - to OM?
Just a few thoughts, you're the man on scene.

V/r,
No way

Let the gas-lighting begin...!

I agree with Jim. You can play it cool and gather more evidence (which will likely be a bit more difficult now because your exposure will likely drive her further underground with her activities). Or you can take action now.

laotzu... how many kids do you have and how old? I just know how hard it is for kids to deal with these types of situations..... my heart goes to you and your kids.....
One thing I would like to say though, is to not call yourself stupid for believing that she had something planned for the two of you for V-day..... That is what a trusting husband would do and this has nothing to do with you being smart or stupid..... As a previous WW.... something like Jim suggested would be a big eye opener.... but if there is a way that you could figure things out without getting the kids in the middle.... please consider that.....

laotzu:


Is it possible that there is a she?
Maybe you didn't ask the right question.
Stanger things have happened.

MB
--------------------
What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

We have a 23 boomarang boy, a 20 year old boy away at college, a 17 year old girl, and a 12 year old girl.

As far as as a she, I actually did ask that and got the same "no" response.

Yeah I know the evidence isn't much. What was much more convincing was her reaction when confronted. She is quick to think and this time she stumbled around and never came up with any explanation. Just anger. I have seen this game face before so sitting around gathering evidence doesn't sound like it would buy me much.

The other thing I found was a book she was reading. Something like "What every women should know about divorce and custody". That one hit me out of the blue since we haven't even discussed major problems or counseling.

I left last time we went through this and I just really don't want to be the leaver again. Kicking her out with the kids around needs some planning. Do you tell the kids before or after I kick her out?

All I really want is some honest dialog so we can fix this again. But she won't admit or apologize and twists the situation by claiming I got overly angry when I found the evidence.

could you set up a counseling appointment for mediation? you set it up and dont even discuss it with her... when the appointment time approaches tell her that you want her to go with you..... and just show up ... sure she will be pist but at least that way you get her there and the counselor can help mediate the conversation so that you can have some honest dialog.... that way the kids wont have to see anything that is happening too....

Early on in my Plan A, I kept wondering the same thing. If I discover evidence of continued contact, how do I go to Plan B if my WW isn't willing to leave?

I have come to terms with what I am willing to do if I turn out to be in a false recovery and need to go Plan B (and my WW is not willing to leave). I will begin proceedings for a LSA and put the house on the market. I know from experience now that if I try to go halfway on enforcing my boundaries that I will end up dead or in a mental hospital.

Yes, it would be horrible for the kids if I ever had to go Plan B/LSA, but the kind of household they would be in where I appease my WW's continued contact and betrayals would not be any better for them. With any luck, the shock of an LSA and being willing to sell the family home would bring a WS to their senses. If it doesn't, then you have to assume that the WS never will truly commit to the M anyway and you and the kids are better off removing yourselves from that situation.

That being said, I certainly hope I'll never have to face this, but it is something I plan to do if I find out that I am still being betrayed.

NS

I made an appointment for a counselor for later in the week. I also told WS that she is welcome to go and in fact this might be a safe place to have some honest dialog about whats going on.

Her answer was a resounding "no". This is pretty much the same story as last time. I go to the counselor alone and she tells me what a waste of time this all is. When I ask her for a positive solution she says "quit always expecting the worst in me".

I went back are re-read some of my emails from 2005 and my reluctance to move back was because we didnt have a plan.
I kick myself for moving back in after Plan B too quickly. What a way to waste almost 2 years of your life and find yourself in the exact same position. I am actually much more angry at myself than her right now.

Laotzu... I can understand you being upset, but at that time you did what was best for you and your family.... this is now.... you have to look at this situation right now.... would you be able to approach your W and express that you Want her to come so that the two of you can discuss with a mediator the different things you have found? Maybe going from the angle of this is something that you need?... I know that having a mediator during some of my H and my conversations helped to shed light to both of us when we were acting inappropriate and not even realizing it....
LITW