I have been married for 15 years, have three children and have had a very loyal wife through a lot of tough times. 5 years ago I confessed to her that I had an affair and she tried to deal with it the best she could. Her parents sort of forced her to accept the situation and asked her "where are you going to go, you have 2 (at the time) children. No one wants you." She is a very sexy and physically fit 45 year old. and I think she is going through a bit of a midlife crisis.
I noticed she was acting strangly a few months back but didn't see whatwas comming. I almost thought she was finally adjusting to me again and that she was gaining her confidence. Little did I know she was starting a relationship with some 50 year old millionaire from the gym. I have since found out that any time I was gone to kids events she was on the phone with him. I found a text message to a realtor friend on Feb 23 that said "i can sign a lease for the first year with an option for the second year" she denied sending a message like that until I showed it to her on her own phone. that is whne the typical "I need my space" and I am not sure I love you routine started. everytime we argued it would turn nasty and harsh. we now sleep in different places, which happened before I realized what was going on. I started to investigate, and found many disturbing things to prove she was having an affair. She is in total denial. the evidence I have is beyond what a reasonable person could conclude as an affair. I confronted her and it just made her mad and put her on the offensive and she brings up my affair. it has been 5 years and now she is using it to justify what she is doing. I looked at her phone records and now her millionare jsut got her a new phone that is hidden so they can talk whenever and I wont know. she is moving into a beautiful appartment that I know she could not afford without the rich punk. I have been working my butt off trying to make deposits into her love bank and I think it is working. the problem is she likes the attention from both of us. I have a hard time believing the nice things she tells me because seh lies so much. I am totally lost as to what I should do. I have read the MB website and follow it principles. I guess I am in plan A right now, but she is not changing anything. once in a while she will hint that she is having an affair but will deny everything to the death and she is getting anyone close to me to think I am an abusive husband and that is why she is moving out. even her parents are starting to believe her. they used to believe me but she has talkedthem out of it. I know she is having an affair. I want to confront her to make her realize I know but if I even hint at it she gets mad and lots of withdrawl from the love bank. I am stuck in limbo as she will tell me she loves me and tells me thanks for being so nice to her and then run to the OM as soon as possible. it hurts like heck and I want to explode, but at the same time laugh at her because she is so dumb about what she is doing. I guess if it makes sense in her mind it must make sense in every one elses. theexcuses and the frequenst trips to walgreen's for an hour or to buy donuts is horrible. She talks on the phone for ever out in the car and I have seen this second phone that rich boy got her. she tried to hide it but it is not hard to figure out what she is holding.
I have ordered SAA. I don't want to confront her and loose the ground I have made to this point but I also think she needs to realize I know so that she isn't thinking she is succeeding.
any help would be great.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

Is the other man married? That is what I would investigate. If he is, telling his wife might help.

Is she leaving the kids with you?

Yes, you should be nice to her, but you must also launch a full scale assault on the affair in order to save your marriage. Make her affair as difficult as possible to carry on.

Expose the affair and do it soon. Find out who the OM is and expose to his wife and family, ALSO. Make up a list of exposure targets and do it in one fell swoop to get the maximum impact. Include her parents, your parents, siblings, friends, etc.

As you can see, affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is ruinous to them. Some affairs here have ended the day they were exposed, in others, the death was hastened. Either way, it will cause huge conflict in the affair and force the affairees to face some reality.

Be prepared to cause as much trouble as possible in the affair. You may also want to consider confronting the OM and making sure he knows the true story. She is likely lying to him about her marital status. Ask him what his intentions are and make sure he understands that if this goes to court that you will call him as a witness to adultery. Most OM are cowards, so this may scare him.

Secondly, it will be important to stop all lovebusters. Stop accusing her, stop angry outbursts, etc. Don't ask her anymore IF she is having an affair, tell her you KNOW the truth. You don't need her admission to know the truth.

Please read carefully:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

This is nothing more than enabling and certainly NOT Plan A. This appeasement approach is working against you. You have become her ENABLER. Plan A does not stand for [censored] kissing, my friend. Its goal is to end the affair, NOT APPEASE AT ALL COSTS. The goal here is to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, *NOT* avoid making her mad by helping her avoid the consequences of her affair. You play these protect-her-from-reality games AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE.

Hi Josh,

Welcome to MB. This is the right place to start your plan for restoring your marriage.

First I want to tell you that you are not alone.

I am glad you have ordered SAA, but you don't have to wait until then to get started on making yourself a better person.

Check out the links on MB from Dr. Harley.

He covers a lot of what is printed in his books and that alone will keep you busy for awhile.

The first thing I would suggest in your plan is to gather information on the infidels.

Don't expect your WS to admit that she is having an affair. If they are asked, they will deny it, even if they are caught together redhanded.

That is why you gather information, guard your intelligence resources, and do not blurt things out until you have all the facts lined up, and even then wait until you have had time to make a well thought out exposure plan.

Invest in a keylogger on your PC to find passwords and emails that might be damning.

Search her car.

Hire an investigator

Buy a digital voice activated recorder and hide it in her car.

Buy recorder for the home phone.

Buy a GPS and attach to car.



Remember, don't ask her if she is having an affair. State that she is having an affair and then list the damning evidence. (Don't tell where you got the infomration from though, if you want to continue to use that person)

Plan A is all about improving yourself, eliminating the lovebusters, and making yourself attractive to your WS.

Plan A is also about EXPOSURE..........

Exposure is what will bring the affair out of the dark, into the sunlight...

Exposures should be done in a well thought out manner, and done consequitively, and done in a firm but calm manner.

Make your list of whom you plan on exposing to, usually the people that your wifes cares about their opinion.

Find out information about the OM.

When you are ready, lower the boom on the same day so the infidels don't have time to create a story to cover their lies.

Hang in there,

Listen to Mel. Exposure will shine the light of day on the affair. She will yell, she will threaten, she will accuse you of all sorts of things, but it will not help HER affair. Your job #1 is to see if exposure will start the end of this affair. It will not happen over night, but your plan A and your exposure are sowing the seeds to rebuild your marriage and destroy the affair.

Start sowing NOW. Tell her parents, her work place, and even your family, but do it by asking their help in convincing her to end the affair.

Don't delay.

God Bless,

JL

to give you all some details. I know the man is married with six kids. I have met him and he knows my wife is married. He took my son to a football game with his kids and some of my wifes other friends. He bought him a bunch of stuff, so he is aware of the family my wife has. I think my wife has given him the impression that I have cheaated on her and that I am not a very loving person who will abuse her in some way. I know his name and I know all his addresses. I have some of his phone numbers.
Last night was interesting because my wife tried to tell me in her most convincing way that she would never do anything immoral like what i did. i do accept that she has never really got over my affair and is just now facing it. I think I have enough info on her to be able to say confidently that she is having an affair. I have telephone records, a fax for an order of cookies during valentines day stating she missed him. I have Visa bill charges for a limo one day. phone records indicate that she has spent the night away from home on three occasions. She is also going through a midlife crisis right now wondering if this is all she will amount to. she has a habit of comparing herself to wealthy friends and isn't sure if she wants to always have worries about money. She expressed these things last night and then said that these weren't the most important thing. she is very lost and confused.
I searched her purse last night and found out she has a new chekcing account, and a visa charge for 25 grand on the 7th of this month. I am sure her rich boy will come through to pay for it, and I am sure it has to do with her apartment, but I am limited on the details. Her address on the checks is a PO box.
I need help in making a plan to bust the affair. If i even emply she is having an affair she goes crazy and I look like the bad guy, and I am sure I make withdrawls. How do I do it without the withdrawl. I am not comminting any LB problems, i stay calm and don't judge her or anything but she takes my accusations as judgement.
any PI's out ther who would follow her around. I am also stumped when she moves out because I will loose any access I have to her stuff.
help
by the way she said she thinks the kids will move with her to her appartment during the week and then on weekends will come back to the house with me. I know she uses that as her escape time, how do I address that. and she said she thinks they will be ok. I know she is not thinking right when she says that.

Don't delay. Call OMW right now. Call her parents. They met at the gym, right? Expose there as well. Don't let this go on any longer. It will make ONE large withdrawal, but it is a necessary one. She will get over it in a couple weeks. Let her know that you are not okay with her getting her own apartment, and will not let the kids stay with her. Your house is their home, and you will not support her leaving. Take a strong stand for your family and she will get pissed, but learn to respect you.