I feel like jabbing too, in fact I sometimes do make it known that I am so angry with all this. I think it's only normal to be angry, but it really doesn't get you anywhere other than in more conflict, but it helps to get it out once in a while. Try and keep calm and rational and you might make some headway. That's why you need the ADs!!

Honestly, she has told me some things. I really feel we are on the same page about what happened with OM2. I feel that we are on the same page and are a "team". It feels great.
I like to look at it as something that we both are up against. It's not just me attacking her. I don't hate her, I hate the affair. Now I'm working a little on OM3.
I think I jab because I am insecure, like I said. Insecure about not knowing what happened or being assured that we both will do whatever it takes so this doesn't ever happen again.

So when was your D-day? If I may ask?

First some background. I have been married for 19 years. Last December my wife said she wanted a D. We separated in March.

My WW A was going on for close to three years. I new she was having an EA and confronted her about it several times. I even had her quit her job twice (The OM was her boss). I new about the PA for about a year. I have a vasectomy, so when she went on the pill, I was pretty sure. She claimed that this was because she was having bad periods and her doctor suggested the pill. All along the way I wanted to believe her, or, I should say, I didn't want to admit the truth. Also, when I finally did realize the truth, I was afraid that if I confronted her it would drive her away. (and they talk about the WS being in a fog)

To answer you question, I consider D-day the day I finally confronted her with the affair and told her all I knew about it. This was the day she stopped denying it. This was May 4th. She has been NC since May 7.

I wish I had found this site years ago.

Thanks for sharing, losinit. How is the recovery going so far? At least you eventually did find this site. The help and support here is amazing (although I think they're getting tired of me and all my whining <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> coughcoughcoughMAZcoughcough) I don't know where I would be right now if I never found this site.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I am thinking about laying it all out tonight with FWW and get to the things that I want to know about her A(s) tonight. Once and for all. It may be very painful to me and even her, but I want to get to the bottom of things and start moving forward. I'm tired of being stuck in this rut.
Do you think that is not such a good idea? Any advice would be apprciated.
Thanks!

Rock - I think if it is something that is holding you back then you need to talk about it. I have told you in the past not to talk about stuff like this, it was too early. Enough time has past now that you can/should talk about it.

Don't judge her though when/if she tells you things that you don't like.

good luck

Thanks for your thoughts M2L. My goal isn't to bash her, honest. There's just things that I feel that I need to know so we can start moving on. I don't even know how the A started. It's stuff like that that I want to know. I will be respectful of her feelings, but I hope that she understands where I'm coming from too.

All the best to you, Rock. Hope it goes well and you can start moving on.

It should go well. I think it will be good and help both of us. Then i will get myself on some ADs.

Hey DH, do you think that I should be able to get some info that I think I need? I mean all I know is that she had an A with some guy who works near her and they hooked up a few times. I just want to know some stuff that's all. I think I'm entitled to know some stuff. It is my wife and my marriage, right?

if she's open to helping you recover, you should be able to get some answers. I found it helped to have some questions prepared, and they were answered as best as FWH could. I have some more questions now, though, so I don't think for one minute that they're done. I am hoping that I can finish this game soon!

Me too. We have just been in this same old rut for so long. I just want to hear the truth. I would much rather just deal with the awful truth then sit here and be consumed by filling in the blanks.
Maybe I'm not totally sure what I'm looking for, but my gosh, I have to try something.

So looking back, did it help you to get some of your quetions answered? Or did you wish you didn't find out some things?

I think it did help in a way, but there were some things that I thought I didn't need to know, but which are now on my second list. The first questions were sent as an email and answered the same way, which made it easier at the time, but these new questions I am going to do face-to-face. I know I will break down, but I want to have some actual dialogue, rather than the safety net of writing to each other.

Some things had already been confessed just after D-day, before I asked the first questions. I think he was just so relieved that it was now out in the open he spilled a few things, and I wish I hadn't heard them, but I've dealt with it now and they don't really bother me.

I think, as you said, it is being consumed with filling in the blanks rather than having the truth. I didn't think I wanted all the nitty-gritty, but now I think I will not move on if I don't have at least some of the blanks filled in by H, rather than my imagination.

How's it going, Rock? Are you OK?

Hey DH. Thanks for asking. I'm doing ok, I guess. Just sitting around waiting until June 11 to see my dr so I can get some AD that I really don't want.
My whole question and answer session that I had fizzled out. I chickened out. I'm just a big lump doing nothing.
I don't know what to do. It seems right now that this depression has got the best of me. My thoughts seem totally consumed by my FWW's A.
Yay.
So how are things going with yourself?

Sorry to hear you're still struggling. Once you get the ADs you might get somewhere. They will help you, really.

My current ADs are helping me sleep a bit better, but if I have even a little alcohol (which it says not to do!), I go all dizzy, so I've had to miss the next tablet, so that my head spinning settles down - then no more alcohol!!
Strangely, I still feel OK when I don't take them, so maybe I'm coming out of my 'fog' anyway. I know that I'm not obsessing as much as I was. I haven't asked the questions yet - we've been catching up after our holiday and not really able to give it full concentration. Maybe tonight, or the weekend. I'm not really in any hurry now.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really don’t want to go on them. I told my wife though that I would see the doctor. I guess if it will help at all then I will. I just don’t want to rely on a drug to get me through things. My FWW has been on them for around 10 years now and I see her moods changing almost daily and her addiction to them. It kind of scares me.
I just want to get better. I just walk around in a daze. I think part of me is still in shock that this all even happened.
I love my wife, there’s no question about that. I feel that my kids deserve a good stable family. I don’t want their memories of their childhood to be filled with chaos. I really don’t know what my FWW was thinking. I don’t think that she knew either.
So now I am left trying to pick up the pieces. She is here, but not really here. I f that makes any sense. I am supposed to win her back. What a tough concept. She shatters what little self-worth that I felt that I had and now I’m supposed to pick myself up, dust myself off and show her what a great man that I am. It almost seems impossible.
Well, sorry I got to rambling on. Thanks for listening. Take care.

RB,

Sorry that progress is coming in small doses. Shock is what your going through can be disabling. Perhaps, your not ready/ It's okay to coast along. Take it smaller bits, here & there.

I wanted to say, I noticed you've made a lot of progress here on the board. Just think you barely felt you could post one grieving song, on your own at the time. Now look at the great initatives from there.

Have you considered contacting Dr. Harley to assist you with this? I would strongly suggest it with his expertise, easier to get the problem addressed right& his advice for you both!

Your situation sounds very painful& complex on both sides.

I don't regret blowin the wad, as I was in a position where I could not afford to get the right professional help.

I want to share, that if you are not comfortable taking AD's, then don't. Everyone's bio-chemistry system is different.

For me, I had a very bad experince, did try ADs a few yrs ago, the side effects did a great deal of extensive damage to my system& I became extremely ill.Needless to say, I was extremely ticked off.

Got a new doc, on the progressive side. He confirmed/pointed this out. It's been a uphill climb of recovery ever since. Minus the stress factors.

Anyways, if you do your own research on google you can find out the pro/cons from taking ad's. Maybe your system can tolerate it.

I'm not comfortable with addiction factor/side effects, or drugs. Meds have their place. I probably should of have been on heavy pain killers, still really need them for my chronic pain issues, but I refrain.

Personally, I think one achieves much better results, with a good excerise program.

Hard to do& process when one is in a state of shock, disorientation, back to orientation. Of course getting a comprehensive blood analysis communicates a great deal.

You have already made an appointment with your doc, that's a great step!!! Hope that you would really consider contacting Dr. Harley, or reviewing their broadcasts might provide more encouragement for you.... I dunno---->

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html