OK,

It's been a couple of years since I was last on here. As I write this I'm not even sure what I'm looking for, but I've come to a bit of a junction and I don't want to talk to my friends and family about it because I know that no matter hoe hard they try, they'll be biased against my ex. So a little bit on my background.....

I met her in March 1997 and took on her 10 year old son as my own and we married the following year in August, with our daughter born in March 1998. Just before Christmas 1998 - on my ex's birthday - her dad died. She had totally looked up to her dad and this was a lot for her to deal with and TBH, I wasn't as good as I should have been. She dealt with it by emotionally lashing out and most of that landed on my family because she felt they weren't as supportive as they should have been. I found this difficult to deal with and allowed my mum to write a letter to my ex that at any other time would have been a resonable explanation of why they couldn't visit (they live 150 miles away and my dad had a heart attack 3 months earlier, so didn't feel ready to travel that distance).

But in hindsight (hindsight is a great thing, isn't it?), this was insensitive to my ex's needs. I think that was just the way she could deal with the loss of her dad. She found it very difficult to forgive me letting my mum write that letter, but we moved on.

But by the end of 2002, my job was looking very shaky; I was the sole money-earner in the household and we had a big house with a big mortgage. I was neglectful of my ex just trying to deal with reskilling myself, keeping my work coming in and trying to get a more secure job. My ex went quiet for a few months and at the beginning of 2003 we were even seriously considering moving to France for a fresh start. But I could tell something was wrong; each time I asked her if everything was OK, she'd just say yes. I couldn't get it out of her and put it down to her way of dealing with the stress of our financial situation (she'd also fallen out with her son. She has quite a fiery temper and her way of dealing with difficulties with others tends to be shutting them out. She's done it with her mum, her son and she hasn't spoken to her sister for almost 2 years).

I managed to find a new job locally that I was due to start in July 2003, but in April of that year, she told me it was over. There was a farmer who ran the stable yeard where she kept her horses who she'd always got on well with - I think there may have been a bit of substitution of her father to it, maybe? He's over 20 years older than me, so I'd never felt threatened by him and always given my ex total trust to the point of being OK with her going away wih him on the odd weekend to horse shows or days out to the horse auctions. But now she was telling me she loved him, he was her soulmate and i was over (he'd also sold a load of land to property developers, so he was goign to become very solvent).

I went through what most others on here have felt - that terrible emotional pain that gets so bad that it manifests itself as physical pain. There were a couple of times it even dropped me to my knees. But I'm a natural survivor and for the sake of myself and especially our young daughter, I came out of it with the help of this forum and loads of reading on the Internet on how to cope with it all. I tried to win her back, trying every angle from being completely undemanding, to feigning nonchalence, to threatening to beat him up. All of them failed and I resigned myself to it being over. She was adament. So I filed for divorce and that finalised in Jan 2004.

The house was sold and she moved in with him. But by March 2004, it was over between them and she was telling me she'd made a mistake. Amazing. All that pain, all that strength I'd had to use just to come to terms with a new life without her and only being a part-time dad and she hits me with this. I just felt that I'd emotionally shut her out by then and that there was no going back - self=preservation had set in. But for the sake of our daughter I did try it and we moved in to a rented house together.

At first it was OK and I thought we had a chance, but then it seemed like she soon stopped making an effort; where I wanted to concentrate on us getting comfortable with each other in a relationship again, it felt like she was more focused on buying a house. She was adament that this was what it would take to get us back on the road again, but I just felt suspicious that was was going to take me for a ride (trust. Once it's gone it's a bit of a devil getting it back, isn't it?), as she didn't have a career of her own and was going to struggle on her own. She skitted from looking across the whole of the east of the UK and then back out to France again. To me, this was all happening to fast and although I sometimes went along with it, I was regularly telling her that what I needed was security in our relationship first, not material things. But this just caused arguements and she was also diagnosed with PMS. I tried to be understanding, but we argued and she'd get nasty, undermining my confidence and making me feel physically threatened, any time of the month (up to two weeks I could deal with, but not every week of every month).

It's unfair to paint it all bad, because it wasn't. But the bad times were scarring (I'll admit now, I'm a fairly sensitive man) and as the months went by, it just seemed to get worse and worse to the point that I started to break one of my own rules and argue in front of our daughter; ******, figured if she didn't care about kicking off in front of her, then why should I be the one to surrender every time just to placate the arguement? Totally wrong and I didn't like what I was becoming. By the middle of 2005 it was enough. I felt like I was ready for the loony bin. I couldn't sleep, couldn't go near her, couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't talk to her about any issues because instead of seeing it as a positive thing to talk and work out, she'd tell me I was just creating problems, that i was talking sh*$, that I was weak and pathetic.... do you get the picture?

Now I'm not saying I was an angel in that time back together. A lot of things went through my head and a couple of times in the first 6 months back together I even left, saying I just couldn't do it. it must have been hard for her to be strong in all of that uncertainty and although I wanted - needed - physical contact, she's never been the kissy cuddly sort of person and so this didn't come naturally to her. I also found it very difficult to have any desire for sexual intimacy with her because of the images of her being with him.

By around August 2005 it had got too much and I called it a day and by Christmas 2005 we'd worked out how much more money I'd need to give her to get by and were living in our own houses.

Of course, now I'm the bad guy now for having left her, despite her own son and mother confessing to the stresses of living with her and how there were times they couldn't (her son moved out when he was 16)......

To be fair to her, we've been getting on fairly well over the last 6 - 9 months and I've suspected that sometimes it's a struggle for her as well as me, but we do it so that we can give our daughter some times together with both of her parents. But this weekend it came to a head. On Saturday she said some vile things about how she'd never forgiven me for letting her down when her dad died, how she'd gone off with the farmer partly through revenge to hurt me, how she'd enjoyed sleeping with him and then coming back home to see the look on my face when I'd know she'd been out with him, how many times she'd wished she'd gotten a phone call to hear that I'd been in some sort of accident and was dead, and how she'd never forgive me for breaking apart our daughter's family. I don't know. maybe she needs to be able to hate me to move on.

But then on Sunday, she was talking a bit more reasonably and explained she wasn't dealing with us having time together very well and if she was to move on that we'd have to stick to contact only at the times when picking up/dropping off our daughter. This included not being around when our daughter is at horse shows if it's not my time to have her.

I'm still not totally against the idea of having a relationship with my ex and I'd love to give our daughter a united family. But I'm not sure how much of the idea is down to being with her and how much is down to wanting to provide for our daughter.

I don't know what's going on.

So there's my story. I don't know what I want to get out of this posting, but it just feels a bit better getting it out. I haven't been sleeping well, as I'm torn between not wanting to risk the possibility that it would be a destructive relationship again and wanting a united family unit for my daughter (it's worth pointing out my stepson is now 22 and has a family of his own. He's been pretty good throughout all of this and very resilient, not that he should have needed to be.....).

Just re-reading this, for all the stress and strain of the last few years (surely there's a better way of living the years of our lives?), it gets summed up in just a few paragraphs. Seems weird.

Personally I think a "united" family that includes fighting, resentment and such discord isn't the best for a child. If you are going to work this out it would take much commitment and work. It's not going to be a magical let's get back together and live happily ever after thing. Whatever issues were there before will still be there if you haven't done the work to make changes in how you relate to one another. Certainly if she's going on about this man she ran off with she's not being respectful of you. Can't you try counseling at the very least? It doesn't appear that you are going to "just" work this out. Yes, that life can be summed up in a few paragraphs to strangers on the internet is quite strange, but it's like a live journal and this is a a good place to be for support...

Hi Adam,

Personally,I think you should let the relationship be very superficial,for your DD's sake at this stage, because your ex just hasn't grown any or stopped blaming you for all her troubles.Until she ever realizes that and that she has some of her own inner work to do,she will only repeat bad behaviors.

It's one reason why I am not usually supportive too much of rejoining a WS and giving them repeated chances.I have been here for a few years too and it always sounds the same.WS's and FWS's usually don't deal with what they did in a positive way and keep blaming other's for their mistakes
(and an A is a huge one).So when we do give them a chance,they draw us back in to the pain and blame game,into the quagmire and soon you find yourself back down that depressing road again wondering how you got there.

Incidentally,I think it was a wise choice for your Dad not to have traveled so soon after a heart attack.Many times these people can become depressed or anxious about leaving home and add in a fear of death,it can be quite troubling to some.Other's find renewed vigor and want to see the world.In any event though,he wasn't comfortable and your ex should have been a bit more understanding.

You could move to France,Sweden or even Tahiti but the same issues plaguing your ex now would only follow and resurface.Of course we would all love to have a loving,stable family to give our kids but that shouldn't be the only reason you are with someone.

So,based on what you said,I only see more pain and frustration for you if you give her another chance.She doesn't sound like she's managed to develop appropriate relationship skills that you could work from.

It's all up to you though.And yes,there's a much better way to be living.I am doing it right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your thoughts and insights.

I've thought almost non-stop about this since Saturday and the more I think about it, the more I feel she's not fiery - just angry. I'm not perfect and I'm sure I'm not aware of all my flaws, but I'm willing to have my eyes opened. But no matter what I do, I need her to be as ready as me to take a long hard look in the mirror to improve ourselves in order to improve our relationship.


Americanbeauty, I'm glad you've found the better way, because it gives me hope that it's out there.

Take care to you both and anyone else who's read/reading this.

Adam,

Just keep in mind that unless you want the frustration and struggle of trying to be your ex's "teacher" for who knows how many years,you should look at what reality is.

I've come to believe that most,if not all,BS's are the ones who really do the most work and have all the eye opening experiences,that could lead to the most awesome marriages but our WS's or FWS's don't usually get it.I see that is does happen and some of those people are over on the recovery board.

We are usually the ones ready,willing and able but you can't force anyone to come to the table with you.That's where I see marriages fail.A lack of willingness to accept responsibility for the A and the choices they make and/or the willingness to really do the hard stuff.

We all have flaws to some degree,sure.But cheating is a very disturbing way to handle problems that takes a very long time to delve into and learn about.Has your ex done that or is she still blaming you?

I wish you well in your decisions.One thing that helped me a great deal was diving in to taking care of my kids and just having as much fun with them as I could.It was the best therapy I could have asked for.And I have some grand memories to live off now.Hug that little girl of yours.Kids are healing angels on this earth.I really believe that.

Cheers~