Good morning all,

I have been reading this board for about 3 weeks and have finally reached the point where I can ask for some advice/support. I have been married for 18 years and have 2 kids...15 and 12. I found out on January 28th that my wife was having an affair with her boss. It had been going on for at least 6 months according to what she told me. I had suspected something for at least 3 months, but after going through phone records I finally got the proof I needed in January. When I confronted her, she denied it at first and said it was all in my head. I knew that it wasn't and so did she. After about an hour of denials, she finally admitted to me that she was having the A. I was devestated. I know this man well, and I also know his wife. He has been married for 25 years, and is 13 years older than my W.

Over the last few weeks I have been trying to hold my life and my family together. She has given me the standard "not sure I'm in love with you anymore" and "I'm confussed/Need to think things through" She has continued to go to work everyday with this man, and has told me numerous times that it is over with him. I have tried to be as understanding and supportive as I can, but this week she had to take a business trip with him for a week. It's killing everynight she calls to see if "I'm OK" I want to believe her when she says it's over. They both have so much to lose. The OM has been caught by his W in the past for having an affair and my W tells me that the OM will never leave his W. My W understands that there is no future with this man.

I am trying to put up a good Plan A, but it is very difficult when she is off on her own with the same man she had been having an A with. I suspect that many of you will tell me that this is still going on. Am I living in a dream world?

Thanks for any insight.

I'll be brief:

1. It is very unlikely that your M will recover if your WW continues to work with the OM. Trust me, BTDT. It only makes recovery much harder, and adds a lot of resentment to the mix. She certainly should NOT be going on any business trips with him!

2. Have you exposed the A to the OMW? If not, what is stopping you?

3. Have you exposed the A to their workplace? If this was done, it's quite likely you won't be wrestling with some of the problems you're wrestling with now.

I have not exposed this to anyone yet. I have thought about calling the OMW. He was caught having an A 4 years ago and she threw him out of the house...but let him come back a couple months later. From what my W has told me, this is his 3rd affair in 6 years. He is very unhappy in his M, but doesn't want to leave his W and kids. Not much of a future for my W there.

If I expose to the workplace, they would probably both lose their jobs. Since he is a partner in the firm, and she works as his "direct report" I can't imagine that the firm would continue to allow them to work there.

IMO you are shielding your WW and the OM from the consequences of their actions. So of course your W feels comfortable continuing to work for him. And eventually they will both feel comfortable to resume the A if they continue working together.

I know how hard this is and how much pain you must feel. I am so sorry for that...I agree though with the above the A must be exposed to the other mans wife.

I know about denial too...I found out about my husbands affair in November and have gone in and out of the denial..I think we both have. We just seperated this week to give us both some space..not what i wanted but we probably should have done this months ago. I would expose and that way you get some input/help from his wife in ending the A..of course she could kick him out and that might only draw your wife closer. Surely though your wife sees that this is a dead end relationship..it sounds like he cannot be faithful to anyone..eventually your wife too if she were to continue with him. I would be very concerned with whats really going on with this so called business trip.