Good morning all,

I have been reading this board for about 3 weeks and have finally reached the point where I can ask for some advice/support. I have been married for 18 years and have 2 kids...15 and 12. I found out on January 28th that my wife was having an affair with her boss. It had been going on for at least 6 months according to what she told me. I had suspected something for at least 3 months, but after going through phone records I finally got the proof I needed in January. When I confronted her, she denied it at first and said it was all in my head. I knew that it wasn't and so did she. After about an hour of denials, she finally admitted to me that she was having the A. I was devestated. I know this man well, and I also know his wife. He has been married for 25 years, and is 13 years older than my W.

Over the last few weeks I have been trying to hold my life and my family together. She has given me the standard "not sure I'm in love with you anymore" and "I'm confussed/Need to think things through" She has continued to go to work everyday with this man, and has told me numerous times that it is over with him. I have tried to be as understanding and supportive as I can, but this week she had to take a business trip with him for a week. It's killing everynight she calls to see if "I'm OK" I want to believe her when she says it's over. They both have so much to lose. The OM has been caught by his W in the past for having an affair and my W tells me that the OM will never leave his W. My W understands that there is no future with this man.

I am trying to put up a good Plan A, but it is very difficult when she is off on her own with the same man she had been having an A with. I suspect that many of you will tell me that this is still going on. Am I living in a dream world?

Thanks for any insight.

Welcome. Well you got one thing right. All of us are going to tell you that the affair is still going on.

Part of Plan A is EXPOSING the affair. Please let the other man's wife know what is going on. Then let the company know, or the boss's boss, if he has one. He is risking a sexual harrassment suit.

Next your wife absolutely needs to quit her job. She must have no contact with him FOREVER.

While exposing the affair, be sure to include her family and friends, and your family.

Expose the affair, hurtvet. You must cause as much conflict as possible in the affair in order to get it to end and have a chance to save your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is ruinous. Call his W, the company, her parents, etc. Your marriage will never recover as long as they continue to see each other. Recovery will be impossible if they work together.

This is Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

[color:"red"] well .... I am going to offer you something controversial [/color]

[color:"blue"] call OW's wife
tell her you need to meet with her IN PERSON ... a local coffee shop [/color]

[color:"red"] bring all your evidence to that meeting ... tell her the bad news ... and ask her to GO WITH YOU to confront the both of them ... that's right .... all 4 of you in the same room ... preferably AT WORK with witnesses [/color]

[color:"blue"]chances are ... OM will fire your wife .... [/color]

[color:"red"] which may enrage her ... for 2 reasons ... OM will betray HER .... and you will greatly increase the chances of your marriage survival [/color]

[color:"blue"] your marriage has a better chance of recovery the SOONER you throw a HUGE monkey wrench into this stinkin' adulterous work-affair [/color]

[color:"red"] that's what I would do .... if their "love" is sooooooooo grand, let them hash it out in front of everyone .... [/color]

[color:"pink"] Pep[/color]

I actually thought of something similar over the last few weeks. I know his wife. Have had dinner with them at firm gatherings. Always thought she was a lovely person.

Not sure if I could ever be in the same room with that man. I can't imagine that he would fire her, but I can see their Boss firing both of them.

Then do it. Do it today. Your M will not start to get better until you expose it to OMW and work.


DO IT NOW!!!!

don't tell anyone that you are about to expose - other than if you are with OMW when you expose. If your not with her then don't tell her that you are going to expose to work when you expose it to her.

TODAY

the thing is ... most of the time .... adulterous couples will TURN ON EACH OTHER when the heat is on

worth a try!

this is not a license to have any sort of verbal or physical fight ... just take the TRUTH and spill it all out in front of EVERYONE, all at once

Pep

work place affairs can cause legal problems for the company ... ESPECIALLY affairs between a boss/supervisor and a lower level worker .... sexual harassment lawsuits make the employer REALLY sit up and pay attention

Pep

Thanks for all your kind words. I have been playing a waiting game because I have access to things that neither of them know I have access to. Since DDay, I have seen nothing strange like I did before DDay. I was planning on taking a wait and see approach to gather more information.

The thing is, the OM knows I know. He also knows that I could expose them at any time and ruin both of there careers and his family. Wouldn't that be enough to scare them both straight. Since he has done this before, wouldn't it seem logical that he would just move on to another woman with less complications? He certainly wouldn't want this to ruin his career this late in life, and he seems dead set on staying with his wife.

well

consider yourself informed

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair will become.

I wouldn't rely on the OM to realize that he is making stupid choices. He is obviously not smart enough to stay away from a married woman who is his employee.

You have NOTHING to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain by exposing the affair. And yes, your wife will be very angry.

Sounds like you're giving them more than enough time to spin their own story about the A.



Nope. He *knows* that your WW gave into his advances, and he can use that to his advantage again when he's got another itch to scratch. And the next time it happens, they'll do a much better job of hiding it.

HV,

I took the wait and see approach, and the EA turned into a PA...we were seeing a MC at the time.

But he knows you are too scared to expose him and is hoping you will take a "wait and see" approach. That is a gift TO HIM and he appreciates your help greatly. He is counting on this so he can continue to get it on with your wife while you sit by idly doing nothing to stop him.
Apparently, he is pretty confident in that belief because he doesn't seem to care that you know.

And if you merely threaten him, he will know you won't tell because he can then just go further underground with your wife. Threats only DISARM you of the most potent weapon you possess: EXPOSURE. Forewarning them gives them a chance to PRE-EMPT you by spinning the story. That will give them plenty of time to tell others, including the OMW, that you are a "jealous nut" who imagines everyone is in pursuit of his wife. Then when you do call, you will hear pity or disgust on the other end of the phone. Your credibility will be shot and you will have been neutralized.

It is the equivalent of DISARMING while under fire. You have handed your best weapon over to the enemy combatant.

hurtvet, just know that if you want to save your marriage, the "wait and see" and the threaten approaches will not acheive that for you. They will only help the AFFAIREES. If you want to save your marriage, you are going to man up and do some work.

Surely, you don't believe this affair is over? Please tell me you don't really believe this. The affair is in full swing and you are an ENABLER through your silence.

This will get worse unless you get up and do something. The goal must be to a) ruin the affair and b) get her to leave this job. She can never ever see this man again if you hope to save your marriage.

But it will not save itself on it own. You must get up, my friend. Get up, get up, get up.. Help yourself.

You will not be ruining his career or M. He brought this upon himself when he had an A. You did nothing wrong here. It is his fault, not yours.

Either pull the damn trigger now or you can post over in the D section down the road.

How in the he)) can you just sit by and wait doing nothing while this guy had/has his way with your wife????

I assume that these comments are the brutal truth about my situation. I have been holding on to the hope that me knowing would sour any excitement they may see in this "secret" relationship. I went to see a lawyer about the possibility of a civil case against the OM for alienation of affection. I told WW about that 2 weeks ago. Since he is a lawyer, he knows that if I did file suit, all of his personal, professional, and financial records would be open to discovery. He would also have to explain to his W, and Boss his actions, in which case he would lose his family and job.

I'm not really sure how this can get any worse. Worst case, I spill the beans, she leaves. Or, I do nothing, she still leaves after "thinking through her feelings." Since he has done this with at least 2 other women, I guess I'm holding out hope that he just moves on to someone less complicated. But I'm sure you will all tell me I'm living in a fantasy world.

you are assuming this is your wife's 1st affair, aren't you .... and why is that?

Pep

and ... you are assuming that if/when this adultery ends ... your wife will return to the marriage 100% .... why should she?

If she has the wherewithall to become an adultress at least once, what would be her motivation to NEVER do this again?

Pep

Let's just say for the moment that you wife finds a new job and never ever talks to OM agian. Ok - good. She falls back in love with you - good.

Now OM just moves on to another M woman. Hurts her H and family while still F ing up his M.

Do you want this man to move on an rape another M? F him. He doesn't care much about his our M, wife or job or else he would not be doing what he is with your wife.

Expose to all, file a suit would be good. End this mans time with your wife. Stop it today.

How can it get an worse?? Dude - He can end up M to your X wife with your kids at their home and you paying CS. Add to it - you living everyday with the thought of "I should have done more to stop it. If only I had that chance agian."

This OM P.O.S is doing this to himself and your letting him.

Stop it today