Hi my wife and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids in that time we have had our rough patches which we have always been able to talk it out and solve things between ourselves. Over the last few months things have been getting bad between my wife and I.

This time round talking things out between ourselves is not working everything has come to a head she says that she is not ready to work things out and doesn’t want to get divorced but just needs me to give her time to think things over. While we were discussing our situation she mentioned that she that she felt emotionally dead. This is when she mentioned that she was in regular contact with a guy via MSN which I was aware of as she runs an internet forum and is a member on a few others so she has a network of online friend. She told me that this person she is in touch with is only a friend and there is nothing there but he is bringing out emotions in her that she has not had for a while with me. After Our discussions she is constantly on msn with him now at all hours of the day
After reading various articles I discovered the term emotional affair and I feel that this what is going on. The articles advise that when in this situation it is best to step back from the situation and ride things out until she is ready to move forward in which ever direction she comes up with. I understand the logic behind it.
But I would like to know do I let her know I think that she is having an emotional affair and that it is not just a friendship?
The other thing is what is a fair amount of time to give her to think things over, do I continue trying to work things out in the meantime not pushing her for a commitment or do I keep quiet and wait for her to make the next move?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Based on the information you provided, I honestly believe your marriage is in trouble. Does your wife keep the content of all the messages exchanged with the OM (other man) secret from you? As soon as any thing she shares or does with the OM becomes secretive from you she has slipped into an emotional affair. If they are just comparing notes on fly tying or some other activity then in time it will still become an emotional affair. There are several red flags regarding her comments in the air here. Emotional affairs are as destructive to a marriage as physical affairs (PA). Men typically fear PA's but lose their wives to EA's. And an PA is just and EA that got an opportunity.

Sorry but you will not get anyone familiar with the concepts utilized here that will advise that you step back and do nothing. If you do nothing you will end up with nothing. You have a lot of work to do.

Start reading here about Plan A and Emotional Needs. The faceless OM is providing her with basic emotional needs she craves but was not getting from you. Without confrontation or LB (love busting) you have to identify these needs and start showing your probable WW (wayward wife) your ability to provide them.

You need to start snooping to get to the bottom of the content of their communication. Where is he? Can they physically get together? Have they already? Be prepared for the worst regarding the answers to these questions.

Get a keylogger on that computer as soon as possible. Build a lot of evidence before you confront her about the nature of her relationship with the OM.

In the mean time start providing the needs she is getting supplied by another man. Look up the Emotional Needs Questionaire on this web site. You both need to fill one out to understand what the other craves but is not receiving. Then give her what she wants and don’t ask or expect anything during the time she is still in contact with the OM. Read “His Needs Her Needs”.

You must gather your evidence, confront her when it can no longer be denied and then you much reach a state where she never contacts this OM again. Not ever. They are not “Just Friends”.

This will take a lot of work and patience on your part. No Love Busting behavior on your part. Read, read, read, all over this site. Don’t do anything until you understand the concept. Just to the right of my post you will see the most popular concept links. Get linking!

Finally, consider moving this thread over to the General Question Forum. There is a lot more traffic and experts hanging out there.

You came to the right place. With work you can fully recover your marriage and make it better than it has ever been. How much do you desire to save your marriage?

Thanks for the welcome.
Yes the marriage is in trouble the thing is my W did not really keep things a secret if I was paying attention I could have figured it out a lot sooner, she did let me view some of the messages over the weekend when it all came out which is what set of the alarm bells, she started of telling me it was just a friendship but during the day I found out she was trying to set up a webcam between them I did lose it and ended up confronting her she then started of saying no it was just a friendship then as the evening progressed it turned out that she has intense feelings for the OM and that If he had asked her to meet up as he dose live close enough for that she would do so at the drop of a hat but my W reckons that all the emotions and feelings towards the OM are from her side at this stage and the only indication he has shown her at the moment is that he is just there to listen and that is not reciprocal that is just what she says though.

I realize that I have a lot of work to do it was just difficult not knowing which direction to take when I am 100% keen at working at it and she has indicated that she doesn’t have the energy or want to work at anything right now.

As you have suggested I am of to read and I am just relieved that I should not just sit back and see how things pan out. My W knows I am looking through these sites do I discuss my findings with her as at the moment she thinks that I am just making the changes because that is what the books or articles I come across say I should do.

How would I go about moving the thread over to the general question forum.

thank you for your help.

Hi knak.
On a first note, this is the best place to be under the circunstances. Please, listen up for the wise and great advise you get. They really know.

I believe your W is indeed a WW, she's telling you about it... BUT she definatelly not telling you about it ALL.

Unless she show's you all and every message/ mail/ chat she had with OM, be sure she's in a EA (Emotional Affair)

She's sugarcoating the situation, dont buy it. She's a WW now, and she's lying.

Don't really believe that OM doesnt even know... lol Your WW is trying to minimize the A. She'll be more cautions from now on and you have to snoop.

Install a keylogger.

NO, don't bring her over to MB forums, right now it's not a good idea, this might become your only safe place to talk and get advise... if she's reading here, whatever you do she'll know it.

If you want to move the thread to GQ forum just create a new one, copy/paste your first post here.

No she wont want to work on M until A is over, till then she'll try to remake history and make you and your M very bad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Be strong.


Can you get any info on the OM?
Real name. address, working place anything? Married? So you could expose to OMW (Other Man Wife), it would help kill the A.