Its been a while since I've been here. I was the betrayed spouse and divorce was final Jan 13, 2006. I've been in a comitted, HEALTHY relationship since July of last year, but I feel old demons coming out. In so many ways I feel so grateful to have found someone that really makes me tick and that is so understanding of my 'green' streak, my fears, and most of all my bouts with insanity. I feel like there is so much detail to give for you to get the full force of what's happening so I'll give you the breakdown short and sweet.

1. He left her to date me (I found out on our second date he broke up with her the day after our first date).
2. We dated for 3 months.
3. We stopped dating (later I found out because he went back to her)... for one month.
4. For 3 months he dated both of us simultaneously, I knew this and told him as long as he was honest with me about it, I would be seeing other people as well.
5. I find out that she didn't know he and I were dating too so I ended things, two weeks.
6. He finalized things with her and they stopped talking for a month
7. We dated for 3 months before we decided to make 'us' a couple.

He has never stopped being friends with her, but their contact has been limited, however whenever he has had contact with her I feel that old fear coming back and gripping me. I lose all sense of myself and who I am. I don't know how to not make him into my ex. He is trustworthy and has offered to limit his friendship even more because he hates to see me hurt but doesn't want to lose someone who was his best friend for 10 years... and that makes me feel worse. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do or how to overcome this base reaction.

Sincerely,

Confused!

I'm a little confused, too.

You say it's a committed, healthy relationship and he's trustworthy, yet in 8 months he's cheated on her twice and on you twice.

He may be great company, but if it were me, I'm not sure how I'd ever trust them in a long-term relationship if they did that to me, especially as a betrayed spouse.

I absolutely agree with you from an outsiders perspective and that's why I wasn't sure if posting was a good idea. More because its never quite as cut and dried as it sounds. He didn't cheat on me because we were never "comitted" until this last July and since then I have no doubts about his fidelity. I am hopeful and I believe but I battle with myself if that's just me being naive or wanting to be hopeful. I believe him when he says the biggest mistake he ever made was trying to have a romantic relationship with her again knowing it wouldn't work but he thought he owed it to her to try and didn't want to lose the friendship. I understand being cynical but that's really not how I wanna live... but my reactions are immediate and I would almost say instinctive... my legs are weak, my stomach knots up and I feel myself becoming a rock... so hard i'll crumble under the pressure...

So you are thinking that he won't cheat on you, but he DID cheat on her. Not very good long term material.

Hi confused,

I have trouble with the fact that he didn't tell you right away: 1) he was seeing someone else-found out later, 2) he went back to the other GF-found out later, 3) he doesn't want to lose a "friend" whom apparently will be around,even in limited moments,and in contact with your BF.She isn't just a friend anyway,she is a former lover and really could be one again-where you find out later.

I don't want to sound like a downer but generally,when I read a post,I get a certain feeling right away,how I think things are.When I read yours,it made me uncomfortable-about your BF and what he's done.

I don't think you would be here again asking our opinions if it didn't feel quite right inside for you.Is anything else going on? It's been since last summer you say you are in a healthy committed relationship so why now are you here again really? Maybe the breakdown wasn't enough info for us? Is there more to the story?

You know,our gut is usually right most times.If something feels wrong,it probably is.What is it telling you? Things are good or things are questionable.

Is this tongue in cheek? Because the rest of your story implies that it is not.

AGG

It's not cheating. He wasn't married to either of you.
Stop trying to own him.