ok.... it has only been a little over a week since everything happened with my husband.. (pfa/filing for divorce)... but i don't know if i made a mistake... it's absolutely killing me inside.. i sit here at work and cry... i feel sooooo alone... i know i'll get past it, but how do you get past something when you don't know if you made the right decision .. my family and friends says i made the right choice...but it just feels so wrong... i just want to crawl into a hole and stay there until i come to my senses... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You made the right decision. Read over what you wrote in your first posts. This was not a good situation for you. In addition, I don't think his behavior since you got the pfa has indicated you made a mistake. The fact that he's just moving on speaks volumes about his commitment and motivation

Hello, I want to let you know that I too think that you are doing the right thing...

It's better to get out now, then later...before he starts hurting you...I'm making the same choice...things started getting detroyed...

I hear your pain...I too have my moments...I suggest that you work on yourself! Have you checking into DV counseling? Depending on time today, I am thinking about going tonight...

You are not ALONE...the batterer will make you doubt yourself...just as I have been doing...

Have you read up on any DV or VA? I'm reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship By Patricia Evans...Wonderful book...I suggest that you read it...there are copies all over the place...Check your local library and bookstores...

Also, the person that has helped me here with the same issues is FaithfulCJ...she is wonderful and has lived through the same things that we have...

Are you in a recovery group of some kind? What kind of support are you getting outside of MB?

I understand how difficult this is for you...wishing that he would change...if you do this then he will love you more and not hurt you...say mean things to you...please let me know if I'm wrong...I'm just speaking from my experience...

I'm on the GQII board, I just came here to see what was going on...Good thing huh...I believe that everything happens for a reason...

(((((((((SW))))))))))

Strivin... Thank you sooooo very much for the support.... yes, i have looked into counseling alone... and i have to call to reschedule a day that is good for me... you are so very right about wishing he could just change... and i wish that he would stop the abuse... but i know that people only change when they are ready.. and he's just not ready...
outside of MB i have the wonderful support of my family... they are awesome... my brother is the one who put an end to the life i was living... and i am very grateful to him...
greengables... thank you also.... you have been here for me since i popped in.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> i am so happy to know i'm not alone... for nobody in my family has ever gone through what i'm dealing with and i'm not so sure they really undertand me... they think i'm crazy when i tell them that i just want to call him... well, guess what.. i am crazy to think it... i have to move on... i have to for ME... and my children....
as far as my children go... i'm afraid to be in yet ANOTHER relationship... was with one man for 10 years... had a daughter, he took on my first, my son, as his own.. but once we separated (never married) he totally disowned him... very sad situation... his family followed right along in his footsteps.. yet, his mother was the one who helped me move on.. and out...
this is the 3rd LONG relationship since then.. it's been 6 years since my 10 year relationship... and now i'm just afraid to move on again... i do NOT want to hurt my children... do i just wait until they are out of the house? son is 16 daughter is 12... i have to protect them... they are my main priority... what do i do?

You survive for now. You don't have to make any of these decisions right now.

Also, there's nothing wrong with not having a romantic relationship in your life. You're not alone. You have family. You have a brother who stepped in to save you. You have your children. That's not being all alone.

Also, you can have a romantic relationship without living together.
I've been dating a man for over a year. I see him about 3 nights a week, and I love it. He has his house, I have mine.

Anyway, the big point is you don't do anything for right now but survive. Don't worry about next month or next year. Take care of yourself today.

Thank you again.... you are right... i need to worry about now.. and my safety now... and my children's safety now... this is all part of the emotional abuse, huh? well, it really stinks!!!

well, my husband contacted me over the weekend.. i agreed to meet him for coffee yesterday... things went really well.. he said that his counseling is doing wonders.. and he wants me to take him back... i can see that he has change... or i hope that he has changed... did i make a mistake in telling him that i would think about it this week? i miss him so much and he has been trying... but how long do i give the change until something goes terribly wrong again? do i try to save my marriage... i will admit that even though i have been trying, we never got to this point before... DIVORCE... it's still a new marriage... should i give it a chance?

I don't think that it would be wise right now...do you really think that someone can change in what a weeks time?

Please do yourself a favor and don't trust him...lip service is great...actions are what matters...

have you read anything on batterer? Do yourself another favor and read up on this...they use their charm, make everything look good and wham, it happens again...

STBX told me that he would do anything that it took to make our M work for as long as it took...that lasts three weeks...and hiding all HIS stuff again...

I am so fearful for you...you are in the honeymoon phase right now...he'll tell you anything you want to hear...

i do realize that i'm taking a chance... but i also am NOT dropping the divorce.. it will take PROOF for him to have changed...
is this what abuse entails? am i just being foolish?

If you're talking about hoping that they will change, yeah...

I still hope but I know better...13 years and he's the same...Selfish!

I wanted to tell you again how strong I think you're being right now. I can relate to wanting so deeply to believe that they can change so quickly. I am a diehard optimist myself - I believe God can do anything, just not always, anymore, the way we think.

Your husbands quick pledge of change is another control attempt. It's hard to see from where you are, but it's just the other end of the control spectrum of behaviors he's probably always used to get his way. None of us are immune from wanting to control our circumstances, but his methods, thus far with you, have not been with full consideration of your well-being. How could he have possibly learned all he has to learn that quickly to develop a level of empathy that considers your well-being where little to none existed before? (We spend 18 years raising our children to do this - it isn't something that happens overnight.) The only difference is the payoff. If he gets control of you and your stuff, then he doesn't have to work for anything anymore. If he doesn't get you and your stuff, then he works for it? That's what I see him demonstrating. That speaks volumes about his character. People of good character consider others in either case, all the time, and it never comes up to question, because that's how they operate. You already know that about good people - they don't have to plead their case.

You didn't do anything wrong to end up with him. He showed you in the beginning what he wanted you to see and you made a decision on that. If his words had continued to match his behavior, you'd still be with him. That's the lesson with men who try to control through abuse and anyone, really, isn't it? If their behavior doesn't match their words, you're safest to believe the behavior (not trust them) and throw out the words as worthless. They know they're not going to win you by acting badly, so once they have you they drop their guard and the character shows plainly when they do. That should tell you that what was in the beginning was mostly an act, or at the very most was devoid of demonstrating real-world coping skills, as most relationships begin with no stress - nothing to test their integrity. That's why we wait a good long time until the character surfaces before we make commitments. That's the only thing you could have done better, but even still, in my opinion you were deceived, because I've seen relationships last a lifetime that began with a very short courtship - 6 weeks at the shortest.

I have been reading "Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them" and all of the things that will keep you safe and making good decisions are in the final chapters of that book. Another book that you might find very helpful is called "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson, if I didn't mention that already. If you don't draw and hold clear boundaries, these men will just continue to trample all over you, just because we let them. A good man will respect your boundaries and not beat at them. So, you must not listen when he beats at your boundaries and it doesn't mean you aren't a soft, loving, beautiful woman for defending yourself. You're doing what he should be doing for you, if he were the man he purported to be in the beginning of your relationship. He should be protecting you and looking out for you.

It still looks to me like he's really looking out for himself. So, be strong. Don't stick your neck out a single bit. As soon as you do, he'll know he has you, he'll know your limits, he'll gain valuable information on how to control you in the future (it's a subconscious thing - they don't deliberately say "a-ha" to themselves when they figure you out. They just 'get' what works). He must believe that his behavior is completely unacceptable, always. Period.

You deserve to be loved and tenderly cared for. You are a precious creation that he should be humble and thankful for every day, every moment. He should treat you as a special gift in word and deed and only gently but firmly stand up to you when you are crossing his boundaries, as defined by God. You are God's precious daughter and God would not have you treated as less. Keep that in your heart and everpresent in your mind...