I think this book helps with love, inner peace, and forgiveness. Really a wonderful book!

Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

Thank you.

I was hoping there would be a book thread out here somewhere.

Right now I am reading Enneagram (sp.?) about personality types, etc. It has some info on the Jungian types too.

I also bought a book about meditation, Wherever You Go, There You Are, but haven't started it yet.

There was another one about happiness which looked very interesting from scanning it but I had enough to read already and have forgotten the darn title.

Anyone have any other recommendations?


Mom

I gotta go with this one..."Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix.

Standards I consider vital. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The Verbally Abusive Relationship - Evans

Between Parent and Child - Eincott

Healing the Shame that Binds us - Bradshaw

Codependent No More (no idea who wrote it...ack!)

Facing Love Addiction - I think Melody Beattie...might be wrong

Boundaries in Marriage - Cloud & Townsend

And for those who don't go to MC/IC...I highly recommend...The Seven Principles of Marriage by Goddard

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

LA,

Thanks for adding to the list. I am saving a file with all the book recommendations so I can check them out later. Hendrix's book has been recommended by a lot of people. Strangely enough, I know I read this years ago when it was first out. I guess it didn't take or I wasn't mature enough to apply it..

Also, I wanted to let you know I've been reading your posts to LITW on her "inevitable" thread. I have been talking to her a bit about the whole "happiness" thing in another thread and she suggested I take a look at your comments. I haven't gotten through all of them yet (I keep having to go back and reread!). Sometimes I have a hard time getting my head around some of the stuff you said (my fault, not yours!). You are extremely thought provoking and I feel like I'm on the tip of some amazing insight if I can just open my mind up enough! I will probably have some questions for you when I get through the whole thing!

Thanks so much. You are helping more people than you realize.

Mom

MTAZ,

Thank you for your response. Unexpected. Appreciated!

I know what you mean about us getting this info early on and then seemingly losing it. I got the whole feelings are about us thing when I was 19...the not the cause, control or cure...I remember vividly having a discussion about it with my mother...and then promptly went off and acted as if I could control, cause and cure others...as a way to earn love.

LOL

I know that God brings us all we need, whenever we need it...and respects what we choose from it...I think wishing we'd gotten whatever it is now back then is our wishful child inside...wanting, ceaselessly, to smooth life out of all it's wrinkles...and I think it's linked to when we were children and were told, "If you hadn't done this, then this wouldn't have happened!"

(I can hear this with spills, even, when I was three...if I'd paid more attention, didn't squirm, wasn't running my mouth...so we naturally get we're the cause and control...as if we really can make life perfect with enough attention, control, EFFORT...sucks the whole being part of human being away, doesn't it?)

I've read many of your posts, as well, and commend you for your efforts to bring all of you together, to know...and I believe you would not be who you are today, without all the wrinkles a long the way. Seriously. Nor me. Nor anyone.

In "Boundaries in Marriage" they have a chapter on Happiness...and I remember it said that Happiness was a horrible goal...or moral. That was stunning to me...like many, I had heard repeatedly, for years, "I just want you to be happy." Seemed like the ultimate goal we all sought...even in the Constitution...

I remember writing around the age of 14 that at any given moment, I could say honestly, "I am happy" and feel it. Doesn't sound like I was in love with resentment back then, does it? I know I was, even then.

I just went off on a tangent...I appreciate every reader's efforts on my behalf...can't count the number of times posters will read and re-read my words...I know it's a battle...not because of them or me...I don't know how to share any other way...and I that's God's way of showing me human limits in communication...you can put it out there, intent set to purity and love...and that doesn't mean it will be easy.

JustLearning makes it look easy.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Now I've thought of another book I believe was instrumental in my changes..."Rebuilding After Your Relationship Ends" and no, I can't remember the author. I found this to be a key book to grieving losses...and I applied it to unmet expectations, fantasies, death of loved ones, and my old marriage...I think it helped me to see myself as a real, separate self...and I know it scared the heck out of my DH when I was reading it.

Heehee.

LA

Out of all the books I have read since the bomb, here’s a selection of several that I found helpful. They may not be interesting or helpful to you. I'm not sure of all of the authors' names.

“What Happy People Know” – Dan Baker (From the field of positive psychology. A lot of good information about changing your perspective and avoiding “happiness traps”. I found it helpful with taking responsibility for my own happiness.)

“The 4 Agreements” (A great look at detachment and perspective.)
“Emotional Unavailability” (Discusses dysfunctional relationships, why they function the way they do, how to change them or avoid them. Also addresses personal emotional issues. Basic premise is that our defense mechanisms and lack of personal emotional awareness lead to unfulfilling and dysfunctional relationships.)

“A Guide to Rational Living” – Ellis (A great, personal approach to Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy – a form of cognitive/behavioral therapy often applied to relationships. Basic premise is that your thoughts have a lot to do with shaping your feelings. Things like awfulizing or catastrophizing events leads to traumatic emotions, not the events themselves. Practical solutions are offered.)

“Why We Believe What We Believe” – Andrew Newburg (A very thought provoking look into the biology of belief. Discusses how much our beliefs influence our cognition. Really helps dispute the idea that if you show someone all the right facts they have no option but to change their beliefs.)

“Healing the Hardware of the Soul/Change Your Brain, Change Your Life” – Dr. Amen (A huge degree of overlap between these two books, so either serves the same purpose. Dr. Amen does a lot of brain scans, and gives a general overview of what each portion of the brain does, how hyper/hypo-activity in each area manifests itself as symptoms and what can be done to treat it – from drugs to diet and exercise. He provides many brain scans in the book and even shows how the scan of someone in a stage 1 relationship closely resembles that of someone on cocaine. He also discusses Automatic Negative Thoughts and how to dispute them to maintain a realistic view of reality.)

“Why Can’t You Read My Mind?” (A good relationship application of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Discusses how your perspective determines your satisfaction with the relationship. Offers 9 toxic thought patterns with solutions.)

“Divorce Busting/Divorce Remedy” - Michelle Weiner-Davis (A look at the feedback cycle in relationships and how personal change changes the dynamic of a relationship. From the school of Solution-based Brief Therapy)

“Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” - John Gray (A classic that discusses differences in the way the two genders view the world and how these differences create misunderstanding.)

“5 Love Languages” (Main premise is that we love the way we wish to be loved, which is often different than the way our mate wants to be loved. Basically, we naturally try to the needs in our partner we most want met in ourselves, the way we want them met.)

LA,

I guess one way I look at it is that you have to be in the right place and totally open for new insights to make headway. I guess I wasn't totally open, I wasn't ready to accept the truths wholeheartedly. I wasn't ready to give up the fantasy completely either.

What you said about happiness (being a horrible goal according to that book) had never even entered my mind. Happiness has been the one ultimate goal I have strived for my entire life, yet is has always been transient and elusive. It's hard for me to accept that happiness is not a worthy goal. Maybe it depends on how we define happiness.

On another note, my husband would say he's always been happy, even during times when I would've swore he wasn't happy (didn't appear happy to me, my perception). I find that interesting and enviable. What I could not understand was how could he be happy when I clearly wasn't...somehow that must've meant he didn't really love me. Don't worry, I know better. I was most likely projecting.

I have other things I'd like to talk to you about but I wont TJ anymore...LOL

Thanks for being here, LA


Mom

Thank you. I have added these to my list. I have several of the Mars/Venus books and have seen the What Happy People Know at the store.

5 Love Languages sounds similar to Harley's concept that we try to give what we want to get, which may not be necessarily what the other persons need is.

Thanks...

keep 'em coming.

Well no one needs to forget the shield(Bible).
Another I have found is "Love Must Be Tough - Dr. James Dobson".

"Real Love" and "The 4 Agreements" are definite must-reads!

Thank you TFC and straight...jacket...man (?).

Ok, that last nick has me just a tad worried...

At some point, when it seems like there's been all the traffic here there is gonna be, I'll double check the authors and compile one complete list, maybe even with links, just cuz!

Great thread, wish I'd started it.

That would be straight-jacket Minnesota. I live in MN, and I chose str8jkt because of a funny statement I heard a while back.
Something like "We all have to be a little crazy sometimes, or we'd a loose our minds."

I forgot one. Really good, thought provoking, inspiring book:

"The Art of Loving" - Erich Fromm (Discusses love, what it is, how we do it. Talks about love for spouse, others and self, and how humans can't really love someone and not love everyone, can't love another without loving self.)

Muddle,

That Fromm book sounds just like something I would love to read, I'll have to check it out. I was a psych major. Apparently it didn't help me figure myself out back then though, lol!

Finally Learning2H posted in another thread about a book called in the Grip of Grace. I believe it relates to forgiveness, and is helpful to FWS who are dealing with self forgiveness.

That reminded me of another book I loved, What's so Amazing About Grace by Yancey.

Just Learning posted about a book Men Made Easy, author last name "Oh" that I wanted to add as well.

Mark1952 recommended this book in LITW's thread I believe...

A recommendation by CV55 posted on another thread I came across.

Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado

found on another thread...

"20 (Surprising Simple!) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens. Great 'lite' read, and the common sense rules all make a ton of sense. Also, includes scripture for reading and practical excersises to help show how you can apply those rules. They tie in nicely with the MB concepts as well. Recommended by our MC...and I think it helped save our marriage.

Also, "The Five Love Languages", and of course all of the MB books normally recommended on this site.

Standing Together has a thread re: